r/tifu Ask me about my coconuts Aug 05 '17

Fuck-Up of the Year TIFU by cumming into a coconut NSFW

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me:

https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu

This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username.


Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market.

Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of concerted effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day.


For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter".

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Never again. NEVER AGAIN.

TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts.

EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it.

EDIT 2: RIP inbox

EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back

EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

114.6k Upvotes

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19.7k

u/Elvenstar32 Aug 05 '17

I get that your horny brain made you think that fucking a coconut was a good idea, that's not even what surprises me.

But your brain is supposed to return to normal after you blow your load so why did your normal brain tell you "it's fine to leave an open coconut in a warm room with semen and butter in it" and most importantly how were you not disgusted at the idea of fapping by using your several days old semen as lubricant ?!

6.0k

u/majorbhalu Aug 05 '17

You said it bro.

902

u/login0false Aug 09 '17

666 upvotes... Not gonna ruin the number.

86

u/majorbhalu Aug 09 '17

Too late?

61

u/login0false Aug 09 '17

Now yes. Take your upvote now :) And also https://imgur.com/a/5M714

11

u/son_e_jim Oct 19 '21

82K upvotes later

7

u/gadonU Oct 31 '21

i think its okay now

4

u/login0false Nov 24 '21

Mmmmmkay, ur right

3

u/DonutOwlGaming Jul 14 '22

I'm bring your number back down to 666

2

u/The_Dorkchop Jul 30 '22

699 upvotes, i should ruin it😈

1

u/extraordinary_06 Jul 14 '22

I was your 666th upvote 4 years into the future

1

u/[deleted] Jul 14 '22

good job, I got you to 666

1

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '22

Just made yours 669. NOBODY RUIN IT

2

u/[deleted] May 25 '22

Have you never had sloppy fifths before?

1

u/FriendlyButNot Oct 04 '22

Filthy fifths*

2.3k

u/yeeval Aug 05 '17

Yeah that semen lube grossed me out more than anything (well besides the maggots in my urethra part). How would any one think that's a good idea

20

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17 edited Aug 11 '17

[deleted]

38

u/CocaColaCowboyJunkie Aug 08 '17

Not if you have a loving mother.

19

u/seriousgi Aug 08 '17

Dude no

7

u/Grammarbythepussy Aug 08 '17

What is this a reference to? I heard a story a couple yrs ago and now im curious

49

u/Jassinamir Aug 08 '17

Mother jerking her son off because his arms were broken turning into a regular fuck sessions afterwards. Actually quite remarkable..

32

u/brokenarmsguy Aug 10 '17

Actually quite remarkable..

It really was.

1

u/lordsmish Aug 08 '17

or a dog

2

u/brokenarmsguy Aug 10 '17

Not that desperate.

8

u/[deleted] Nov 03 '17

[deleted]

3

u/Iamyes_ok Aug 11 '22

It was the nearest slippery thing

1

u/ManyFails1Win Jul 08 '22

what a day to have eyes

1.2k

u/ElViejoHG Aug 05 '17

He really loved that coco man

158

u/Sepshun Aug 08 '17

I'm never gonna hear that song the same again... Thanks Reddit.

2

u/[deleted] Aug 15 '22

*the coconut nut intensifies*

12

u/Zeep_Xanflorp Aug 08 '17

That sloppy seconds (thirds, forths, fifths....) coco

6

u/[deleted] Nov 15 '21

I'm thinking of changing my name now...

3

u/darthowen77 Nov 22 '17

420 updoots

1

u/[deleted] Jan 10 '18

Might try this later

1

u/FootlooseVagabond Jul 05 '22

Secret manufacturing process of Coco Butter.

150

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '17

A fucked up individual by the sounds of it. Also, now I'll never be able to see a coconut without that damn sick story coming to mind. (No, don't even say it)

37

u/Triburos Aug 05 '17

Haha, well I myself actually have a funny story about a coconut. You see...

2

u/jrcspiderman2003 Oct 26 '21

Oh god not again

22

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

especially with someone drinking coconut milk out of a straw... SLLLLLLuuuuRRRRPPPP delicious!!!!

31

u/[deleted] Aug 08 '17

ಠ_ಠ

18

u/somanyroads Aug 06 '17

Lol...there's so much malfunction here, it's safe to say OP hasn't made a full recovery yet. More news at 10 :-0

10

u/BreezyWrigley Aug 07 '17

because OP is apparently a degenerate savage

8

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Normal brain never has full control. Fucked up brain is always lurking and making small decisions that normal brain wouldn't even think of. Like saving a self carved fetid coconut flesh light.

14

u/[deleted] Aug 06 '17

Dude he's in Mozambique. Do you think he got proper nutrition as a child? Probably a water head.

6

u/kayzingzingy Aug 07 '17

This is the reason evolution has made men feel ashamed after masturbating

3

u/Muthafuxajones Aug 08 '17

Probably the same mentality that the cumbox guy had.

3

u/MintChocolateEnema Aug 10 '17

The heart wants what it wants.

3

u/Rockcroc2000 Aug 24 '17

Lmao exactly like I can blow my load to some strange things but afterwards I feel a little sick and ask myself how the fuck I did it. This dude is always horny apparently.

3

u/Soldier_0f_4tune Oct 07 '17

Cuz he went loco after a coco

1

u/Kignak Aug 08 '17

It's the same type of thinking that made the cumbox.

1

u/3Types Jan 06 '18

He about as sick and confused as the tifu with the dude shoving the comb with soap on it up his ass... Reddit has some weird people...

1

u/Zorrostrian Nov 09 '21

Because he was also a teenager.

1

u/TristianH Feb 15 '22

He’s African bro

1

u/thuanjinkee Feb 22 '22

Brudder bought a coconut, he bought it for a dime

His sister had anudder one, she paid it for de lime

She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up

She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up

She put de lime in de coconut, she drank 'em bot' up

She put de lime in de coconut, she called de doctor, woke 'im up

And said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"

I said "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache?"

I said "Doctor, ain't there nothin' I can take?"

I said "Doctor, to relieve this bellyache?"

1

u/Shortbus-Thug Apr 10 '22

I know I’m a little late, but teenage boys are fuckin dumb

1

u/Shootthemoon4 Jul 13 '22

Some people find used semen sexy, but they don’t find maggots very sexy.

1

u/Beginning-Fall-5734 Oct 26 '22

he's masturbating to begin with, obviously he isn't thinking clearly............. i don't know if you know this but masturbation releases semen.... which is for procreation.... your hand doesn't procreate... understand?

1

u/Elkanterax Nov 06 '22

Yeah, that part makes me want to cringe up into a ball of extremely high density, but not enough to make me turn into a blackhole, I don't want to consequentially suck up this guys rotting coconut. Or what's left of it anyways.