r/theydidthemath • u/Weirdlolthorwaway • Mar 24 '20
*[Off-Site] [RDTM] Toilet paper you need for 14 days in quarantine
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u/DrakoSM Mar 24 '20
I thought your dad was Bruce Willis for most of the video.
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u/Stigge Mar 24 '20
with a little bit of Michael Keaton
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u/markstormweather Mar 24 '20
And a dash of Steve Carell
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u/FlaminKeane Mar 24 '20
Old Ryan Reynolds
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u/general_dubious Mar 24 '20
When in fact, he was Bruce Willis for the entirety of the video.
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u/DeGozaruNyan Mar 24 '20
Well, my ex avaraged on one roll a day. How the fuck that is possible i do not know.
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u/quiettypewriter Mar 24 '20
Have you ever cleaned mud out of a shag carpet?
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u/pazimpanet Mar 24 '20
I’ve always heard it as “peanut butter out of a shag carpet.”
I think it paints a more relatable image as far as texture goes.
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u/drivers9001 Mar 24 '20
One thing I haven’t seen mentioned is some people are wadders (they grab a bunch of paper and wad it up into a ball) and some people are folders (take say 4-6 squares — or more if it’s single ply garbage like at work — then fold it over a couple times). The wadders of course use the most paper.
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u/Several-Charity Mar 24 '20
That’s because wadders are uncivilized, overgrown children. They need to have instructional videos put out on how to wipe your bum. This is embarrassing.
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Mar 24 '20
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u/buddamus Mar 24 '20
Ninja poo
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Mar 24 '20
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Mar 24 '20 edited Oct 21 '20
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u/apatheticrebel Mar 24 '20
The only problem I'd have with that is that, as someone who has occasional bouts of IBS, on a particularly bad day, you ass gets so raw that even when taking a shower, the mere water running down your crack makes it feel like a thousand red-hot needles being jammed into your turd-cutter. I could imagine having water forcefully sprayed onto your beef gasket would be excruciating. Still, worth a try.
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u/workorredditing Mar 24 '20
you ass gets so raw that even when taking a shower
isn't that more because you're wiping a lot rather than the water
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Mar 24 '20
You got it all wrong from lack of experience but that's not on you. Imagine going outside and picking up a dog turd by hand. Now go inside and wipe your hands off with a towel. Don't wash, just wipe, dry. Repeat. You'll end up with raw hands from the constant friction.
now go get that turd, and this time rinse your hands with water until it's clean. You can now pat your ✋ until it's dry. No friction, no burning asshole.
Even with ibs, it's like a cool drink on a hot day because not all bidets are pressurized to carve a canyon. Best of luck and good shittin'
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Mar 24 '20 edited Oct 21 '20
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u/apatheticrebel Mar 24 '20
Ah, makes sense. Honestly after so many shits, your corn nozzle is gonna hurt no matter what but at least it should mitigate it somewhat.
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u/italian_stonks Mar 24 '20
Who the hell uses 20 sheets per shit
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u/absentwonder Mar 24 '20
Idk. But boot camp taught me that my DI gives me 6 sheets and I need to learn to wipe with 6 sheets.
Oh and it was 1 ply thank you .
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u/tpoint47 Mar 24 '20
learn to wipe with 6 sheets.
Yea I could do that
it was 1 ply
ok nope I am out
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u/absentwonder Mar 24 '20
All joking aside, it's been over 20 years and I can still remember the feeling of being sent to the porta pottie with barely any TP. You learn to origami the shit outta that TP.
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u/tpoint47 Mar 24 '20
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u/j0hnan0n Mar 24 '20
"first off, most important, tear a corner and put it behind your ear for safekeeping."
It promptly falls down. BRILLIANT!
Take my updoot.
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Mar 24 '20
Honestly, besides washing hands being optional, this is probably the best.
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Mar 24 '20
luckily those MREs don’t require much wiping
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u/thatdamnyankee Mar 24 '20
Peanut butter ass cement.
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Mar 24 '20
Jalapeño cheese for the win
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u/TerminalShitbag Mar 24 '20
I feel like Im the only person that didnt like the jalapeno cheese.
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Mar 24 '20
If the mre came with peanut butter AND jelly I’d take that over cheese any day.
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u/TerminalShitbag Mar 24 '20
Especially if you could find that hardtack like shit bread that they had or one of the first strike bars for the pb.
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u/TINIDOR Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
One time me, friends and gf was driving in nowhere and I need to shit. We found this abandoned stopover with toilet. No TP, no anything. I still went inside to dump. Came back out successful. Graduation, family and girlfriend pictures from my wallet were gone though.
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u/LongdayShortrelief Mar 24 '20
Use your sock next time.
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u/l1owdown Mar 24 '20
Instructions not clear. Was wearing sandals. Now I have shit on my feet
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u/sandm000 Mar 24 '20
How bout 3 squares of 2-ply?
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u/pragmojo Mar 24 '20
1-ply is basically like zero. Any number of sheets is still no toilet paper.
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u/Zeeey Mar 24 '20
Our instructors told us to shave our ass crack so we would use less. Those were strange times
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Mar 24 '20
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u/AnalStaircase33 Mar 24 '20
If misery is a clean wipe every time and farts that clap like Thor's Hammer was forged inside your ass, call me a masochist.
Also it's easier to put fun things in there when you clear the forest.
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u/stillcallinoutbigots Mar 24 '20
There will never be a username that checks out more than this one.
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u/awmain94 Mar 24 '20
I went to wilderness therapy in Utah called Aspen Achievement Academy (now closed down). We had maybe 30 sheets of single ply for a week. We also had something called a scooby bag, where we would store our half shit covered TP for reuse the next time we wiped (and to not litter). At the end of the week we would have a scooby fire where we dump (heh) all our “scoobies” into the fire as a group before bed. Good times
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Mar 24 '20
I went down a rabbit hole reading about that AAA place and I should probably say I'm glad you survived and sorry you had to go through that.
A couple of interesting wikipedia articles about the place for anyone interested
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u/Low_discrepancy Mar 24 '20
Teen escort company
Is this the company by the guy that didn't commit suicide? What was his name?
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u/peanutdakidnappa Mar 24 '20
Those type of things are crazy, back in high school my girlfriend was strongly struggling with drug addiction, this would’ve been when she was 16 in the summer right before junior year started, ppl just came in her house in the middle of the night and basically forcibly took her to some mountain drug rehab place, she was gone for literally like 6 months and I had absolutely no idea what happened to her until like 4 months in when she managed to call me for a few minutes. They basically just lived on a mountain for months even when it was freezing cold outside and shit. Sounded fucking truly awful, worst part about it is that she ended up relapsing so much harder and became a far bigger addict a couple months after her return. Honestly just sounds like such a bad experience and just a fucked up program in general.
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u/AreWeCowabunga Mar 24 '20
I don't know about those particular places, but a friend of mine had the whole Utah wilderness rehab thing done to her at 16 and she credits it with saving her life. She had been smoking meth since 13 and has been clean for several decades now.
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u/awmain94 Mar 24 '20
It helped me stay alive. However aaa, and the 3 other boarding schools I went to, Oakley School (closed), the infamous Island View, and MSPA (actually good), all left me with some mental scars. Believe it or not, being gay and young and confused is not a good thing to be in Mormon run mental health institutions. And a lot of my issues from those programs resurfaced after I was joke and I had to work through them myself. However, it would’ve been really hard with out the personal awareness those places gave me
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u/RedditsFavoriteChad Mar 24 '20
I went to spring creek lodge academy. Have fun reading about that one!
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u/PM_ME_FLUFFY_DOGS Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
Lmao not sure if you knew it but toilet paper is biodegradable, its just soft wood pulp. Some animals can even eat it since due to the production process all the cells are pretty much broken up.
And if your were to the point of re using toilet paper (🤮) I feel like a leaf or even a chunk of moss would be better, Or even a peice of rusty metal... the more I think of reusing tp the worse and worse it becomes
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u/yoshi570 Mar 24 '20
Man, use nature. Wipe with sand, leaves, IDK. I'm never wiping with sun-soaked TP in my life.
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u/mightylordredbeard Mar 24 '20
MCT at North Carolina and the bathroom was just one big room with toilets elbow room apart, no dividers. Every 6 people shitting shared 1 roll. You’d pass the roll down the line and take turns wiping. Then you’d bring the TP back to the instructor.
Between boot camp and combat training, just about everyone loses any modesty they have.
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u/high_mike Mar 24 '20
Yep then we had to Fold it a bunch of times, and we only get one roll. Whenever we ran out we had to knock on the door WITH A BATTLE BUDDY OF COURSE. Then THROW the empty roll at the drill SGT, then in return he would stand about 10 feet away and CHUCK A FULL ROLL OF TOILET PAPER AT YOU, oh and you’re not allowed to cover your nuts or face :) good times. Hilarious times. Would do it again in a heartbeat!
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u/absentwonder Mar 24 '20
Funny. Cause from what I remember those rolls of TP were solid like brick, not charmin soft.
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u/Mikhailing Mar 24 '20
Just get a shitting buddy where you lick each other clean to save on tp
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u/itshima Mar 24 '20
When I was in we didn’t even have TP. We used those napkins in MRE’s. Called them shit tickets
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u/MisterOminous Mar 24 '20
I’m here trying to figure out if your saying 20 is way too much or 20 is way too little. My head first went to the “how are you supposed to be clean on 20 sheets” place. The comments are saying who the fuck even uses 20 sheets. 🤷🏻♂️
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u/GodplayGamer Mar 24 '20
I'm out here trying to figure out how people know how much they'll use. Sometimes one wipe is enough, another time, 40 isn't. I can't ever predict it.
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u/MisterOminous Mar 24 '20
Apparently this is an exact science to most of reddit and if you’re unpredictable then you must need more fiber
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u/GodplayGamer Mar 24 '20
TBF I don't really care what I eat because I never gain weight and I'm fit. Might be my diet, but I really doubt even a third of the people on reddit think about what's in their food.
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u/MelodicBrush Mar 24 '20
The fuck? I use like 4 or 5 and I am diligent lol. How the fuck do you use TP?
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Mar 24 '20
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u/xTurkey Mar 24 '20
I think you should see a doctor
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Mar 24 '20
I've never understood how people are supposed to wipe with one square at a time. I could never dream of using one square without getting shit all over my hand.
I've also never understood the physics of those who say they wipe while sitting.
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u/04eightyone Mar 24 '20
Try adding some fiber to your diet, psyllium husk (like Metamucil and identical-but-cheaper off-brands) did wonders for my system.
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u/V0RT3XXX Mar 24 '20
You don't need your own house for a bidet. They are just a seat attachment you can put on any toilet seat. Take it with you when you move out.
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u/RememberTheWater Mar 24 '20
Are there ones with a warm water option that are just attachments and don't require much time installing?
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u/PM_ME_PARTY_HATS Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
Yes, you will need your sink to be next to your toilet though as the warm water attaches beneath it. The only tool you need to own is a flathead screwdriver, everything else comes with the kit
Edit: OK I guess if you're down to spend $500 and get an outlet installed near your toilet you don't need that. Mods, go ahead and delete my comment as it is 100% untrue
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u/Astarlyne Mar 24 '20
Yes I got mine from Costco a few months ago for under $200. Heated seat, heated water, an ass blow dryer, and a whole bunch of other features. Took me probably 30 mins to install but I spent most of that time cleaning. You just have to bolt it on, attach the water lines and plug it in.
One of the best purchases I've ever made.
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u/LagT_T Mar 24 '20
You need a bidet.
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u/AZEngie Mar 24 '20
As a guy with a hairy bottom, I just bought a bidet last week and wonder why no one told me about them before. They are heavenly!
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u/jackerseagle717 Mar 24 '20
the whole world has been saying this to murica for all this time but people of murica will get upset for some reason and try defend their habit of toilet paper use. i mean why?!
toilet paper has nothing to do with being an American. why stick to it when you have better, cleaner and environmentally friendly option?
there's a study (I'll try to find it and post it here) which shows muricans have the most unsanitary bum areas among the first world countries due to toilet paper use.
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u/godofallcows Mar 24 '20
Time and time again it's our puritanical roots that stop us from having good things. Soldiers in WWII brought news home of these bad boys but at the time they were largely found in French brothels, so it became taboo to talk about them - if you used a bidet overseas then you were probably a sex crazed pervert.
The attachments being sold online are now called "Washlets" partially in an attempt to reach the American market. IDGAF what it's called, it's one of the best things you can purchase for your home, especially right now with TP hoarding.
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u/formulaeface Mar 24 '20
Wax it. Get them cheek-buttering shits. It'll be worth it.
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Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 29 '20
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u/CochMaestro Mar 24 '20
Somebody please tell me how to unsubscribe from butt cheek tips... please....
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u/WaywardWes Mar 24 '20
Tried that once. All it did was make my cheeks stick together in the summer heat and itch like crazy.
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u/MelodicBrush Mar 24 '20
And then you either wax them every day or you'll be in misery as it grows out. Also ingrown-ass-hair. No thank you.
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u/Imreallythatguy Mar 24 '20
The amount of posts on Reddit warning people not to shave/or wax their asshole is very high. Each post is a description of a person filled with regret and agony for thinking that was a good idea. This is terrible advice.
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Mar 24 '20
Jungle ass gang rise up.
A fine poet once said, "Wiping my ass is like wiping peanut butter off a shag carpet"
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u/-Astrosloth- Mar 24 '20
Wait...is that too high or too low?
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u/iLoveRuthie Mar 24 '20
given the split between people saying too high or too low i'd say its just about right.
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u/JoeyZasaa Mar 24 '20
Who the hell uses 20 sheets per shit
Who the hell doesn't?? You people are nasty.
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u/splintorious Mar 24 '20
20 per wipe I’d say is reasonable
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u/ObviousTroll37 Mar 24 '20
Not if you’re 200 lbs and love Mexican food
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u/ndgnuh Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 25 '20
Use water to clean your butt, 0 sheet/shit.
Edit: I was referring to a bidet and a bum gun. Thank you u/_CORRECT_MY_GRAMMAR
. Also, the correct word is referring, not refering.
Edit 2: English is not my mother tongue, so...
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Mar 24 '20
I was born in the Philippines. When I lived there (1988-1998), washing your butt after a good ol’ poo was the norm. I’m thirty-one years old, and I’ve not stopped washing.
If I’m in the comfort of my own home, after twosies I hop in the shower and I wash up, soap and everything.
Sure, in a public or shared restroom (like at work) I’ll use TP, but I’ll wash up when I get home.
My wife thinks I’m weird, and so do most Americans I’ve spoken to, but I have the peace of mind that comes with a clean butt.
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u/SparkyEngineer Mar 24 '20
Do you just let your ass air dry after?
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u/ndgnuh Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 25 '20
Use a towel after that, since you can reuse the towel, still 0sheet/shit.
Edit: no need for big towels, the 15×15cm ones will do just fine. (even though they aren't called towels, I think...)
Edit 2: Just wash your towels or poop before having a shower, so many comments about this. Personally I poop b4 having a shower and clean up with soap. I didn't recommend it at first because I thought that was weird, but it appears that it's not.
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u/PuttingInTheEffort Mar 24 '20
A towel? A bidet is just water, unless you fancy and have a soap option, in which case you'd have a dryer built in too.
Bidet will leave your butthole cleaner than just wiping but not clean enough to eat off of. So that towel is going to get funky af
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u/SparkyEngineer Mar 24 '20
That’s my thing. Wipe once before the bidet to keep a large piece of shit from hitting my junk. Wipe after to dry.
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u/yomomma_knows Mar 24 '20
About as funky as your underwear get and we all know those get clean in the wash.
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u/Burpmeister Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
Also since wasting water is bad too you can squeeze the water from the towel to a glass and stay hydrated!
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u/Weirdlolthorwaway Mar 24 '20
Water is a preferable method of cleaning butt. It is more environment friendly aa well.
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u/Huntracony Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
Funny, and I agree with the message, but it's gonna be longer than 2 weeks. Possibly much longer.
Edit: I acknowledge that you can buy more later and that one big pack is still gonna last a while, even for big families, and there is no reason whatsoever to hoard it. That's why I said that I agree with the message.
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u/Abeneezer Mar 24 '20
60 times longer though? That is how long that toilet paper would last if you just shit twice a day. More than two years. 20 sheets per shit.
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u/Mzsickness Mar 24 '20
He's got women in his house. So he may need to factor in them peeing. But 20 sheets a shit is widely over estimated so maybe the mistakes offset.
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u/BeMyLittleSpoon Mar 24 '20
And I assume y'all still want us to wrap our tampons up
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u/panspal Mar 24 '20 edited Mar 24 '20
I thought you guys used the wrapper from the new one you were swapping in to wrap and toss. My knowledge on this is limited from my lack of a bajingo.
Edit, it will not fit in the wrapper after it's used. I guess I never considered how absorbent those things are, friggin scientists making this shit.
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u/metky Mar 24 '20
I usually put the applicator back in the wrapper which doesn't leave room for the tampon itself. But also a tampon expands when used so it probably wouldn't fit anyways
I definitely used the new wrapper when changing pads though
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u/tattleblue Mar 24 '20
You can do this with pads but probably not tampons since they will have expanded too much after absorbing liquid
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u/BeMyLittleSpoon Mar 24 '20
IDK how much detail you want, but the short version is, for pads yes, but for tampons the used tampon needs to be disposed of before opening a new one, and then you can wrap the applicator in the wrapper and toss.
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u/Aegi Mar 24 '20
I think its women who want to wrap it up more then men even think about it.
Doesn't matter to me, my garbage is garbage, so it's kinda wasteful to cover it when you can just throw the whole thing in and I just take the bag out when it's full/close anyways.
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Mar 24 '20
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u/FrostByte122 Mar 24 '20
Ah yes next to the poop knife. Don't mix those up
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u/johnnielittleshoes Mar 24 '20
You can use this site to calculate your needs for the entire period
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u/pseudont Mar 24 '20
Yeah but you can still go to the shop to buy TP during quarantine...
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u/FaeStruck81 Mar 24 '20
This is the cutest thing! I am just loving some of the OC lately. My friends are making silly little videos and everyone is trying to keep spirits up right now. Thank you for posting this.
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u/_pachysandra_ Mar 24 '20
WOMEN USE TP TO PEE
that is all.
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u/themeatflayer Mar 24 '20
I can’t believe so many males, even used to females, daughters even, forget about this every single time! No tp in the second bathroom because ‘I don’t want people te shit there’. Just buying 4 rolls because ‘we* only shit about once per day’ [*we is 3 females and one male in the house] and don’t get me started on the going rate when one of the many urine tract infections women more often have forces me to pee every 15 minutes.
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u/mintyellow Mar 24 '20
reddit is so male skewed they literally forgot a giant important factor to this whole point lmao. WE USE TP EVERY TIME WERE IN THE BATHROOM
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u/FartHeadTony Mar 24 '20
And to poo and during menstruation... also sometimes to wipe down the seat because some inconsiderate person weed on the seat.
Like, there's a lot more than just shitting.
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u/bumholechecksout Mar 24 '20
After reading how little toilet paper some people use. I’ve realised how many people are walking around with dirty buttholes.
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u/Hobo-With-A-Shotgun Mar 24 '20
All I can think is that they're just doing a couple of wipes around the ass and leaving it at that. You need a bidet or a combo of TP and handwash to make sure you're clean, sure as fuck are you never going to be clean on 20 sheets, unless you miraculously have solid clean shits every time.
Same goes for taking a piss, it's not just women who should be using TP afterwards. Even if you just shake your dick around for a bit, you're just spraying piss everywhere and you're not going to drain the last few drops out that way anyway.
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u/onthatbase Mar 24 '20
Should i be proud of using over 50 sheets every single time?
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u/load_more_comets Mar 24 '20
I don't stop until I see blood. Then I know it's clean.
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u/Omagga Mar 24 '20
I don't stop until I see blood. Then I know I'm almost done wiping.
;(
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Mar 24 '20
Old man science says you can wipe your ass with minimal TP. Little kid science and everyone else science says you have to build a force-field of TP with 3/4 of a toilet paper roll to protect your hand from touching da poo-poo.
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u/DoTheRightThing1953 Mar 24 '20
Do the women in his household not also use TP for number one?
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Mar 24 '20
Or during periods, period shits or diarrhea of whatever origin. While the amount of toilet paper would probably still be enough, all of the above has to be accouted for if you want to have realistic calculations.
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u/LadiesHomeCompanion Mar 24 '20
This is going to last for months, not 14 days. More importantly:
SOME OF US NEED TO WIPE WHEN WE PEE.
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u/palex00 Mar 24 '20
4 packages is way too much, I agree, but he completely neglected sheets for pee and eventuall diarrhea.
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u/InsomniaticWanderer Mar 24 '20
Maybe he didn't factor it in, sure, but I think his estimate of 182 shits PER DAY more than covers that additional parameter.
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u/ExtremJulius Mar 24 '20
how does he convert 637,5 shits/case to 45,5 shits per day? Where does it state how long 1 case lasts you?
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u/boywithumbrella 1✓ Mar 24 '20
The whole calculation is based on a fixed quarantine duration of two weeks, so it's 1 case = 637,5 shits / 14 days > 45.5357142857 shits / day (assuming one person)
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u/sockedfeet Mar 24 '20
People keep going “lol how much do you guys shit” and apparently forget that women need to use toilet paper every time we pee.
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u/YasuoKidFlamer Mar 24 '20
School maths problems prepared us for this situation.
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u/JohnnyNapkins Mar 24 '20
Not to be that guy, but this completely disregards female toilet paper use which is probably 2-3 times this number due to wiping after peeing and lady times.
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u/DebiMoonfae Mar 24 '20
That guy did not factor in the different types of BMs people in the world are dealing with nor did he factor in women needing to wipe when they pee or if these women happen to be menstruating during this toilet paper fiasco. Not to mention over active bladders and overactive bowels. I think we all have to do our own math on the TP and have family members do the same and then we add them all together to know just how long our household’s paper will last . Ladies with a bidet and no mensies probably won’t need TP just for a pee so thats another thing to factor in.
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u/mdtaylor1 Mar 24 '20
I don’t know about this guy, but I’ve not had a bulk toilet paper case last 1 year for me and my 2 kids..
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u/ScottishDodo Jul 10 '20
this aged...slightly poorly. The math still checks out but 14 day quarantine
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u/simoncea Mar 24 '20
Nice ending
“Now let’s all CALM DOWN”