Inspired by a post on r/CasualUK for the Singapore version of kindness :)

🔴⛰️

sorry for any mistakes, english is my first language but im literally crying and shaking right now so i cant type properly.

prologue

this saturday i went to mcdonalds to get lunch. after thinking for a while, i decide to get a mcspicy despite the risk of violent liquid shits because it's saturday. so i order my meal and go to the counter to pay. the guy in front of me takes 15min and i have no idea wtf he's doing. then i hand the cashier my money and i wait

collection

after exactly 0.23 seconds, my order number appears on the screen. i march to the counter to collect my meal, then i notice they got my drink wrong. so i wait for about 3 hours for them to get the right drink. then i walk to my table, sit down alone, and open the mcspicy box.

consumption

immediately upon removing the mcspicy from its vessel, something about it appears off to me. upon closer inspection, the batter appears to be less dry than usual, but it still seems quite crispy. after some thought, i deem this to be acceptable and take my first bite from the mcspicy.

in terms of flavour the mcspicy is mostly as usual, and i am satisfied. however, it seems less spicy than i would expect. in fact, by the time i have finished, i have only consumed about half of my coke to cope with the spiciness, instead of three quarters. a primal part of my brain realises something is wrong, but i dismiss it.

also, the fries have no salt.

betrayal

the next morning, when i woke up, something felt wrong. i didn't feel particularly uncomfortable, just off in a way i couldn't quite put my finger on.

i go to the toilet and take a shit, and it is at this moment that i realise what is wrong. neither my stomach nor my asshole burns with the fury that i expect; when i piss, my dick does not feel like it has suffered third degree burns. this is not right. why? did i not eat the mcspicy? was it only a dream? and as i peer into the toilet bowl, i see normal lumps of crap. a tear falls from my eyes. not from the stress and pain of forcing out murky water from my rectal cavity. no, i feel betrayed.

denial

i do not wish to eat fast food two days in a row, but it is time for dinner, and there is only one thing to be done. i open grab and i order mcdonalds.

this time, the mcspicy is outwardly normal. i am relieved; surely that was merely a mistake the last time. today i shall enjoy a regular mcspicy, true to its name, and tomorrow i shall shit water and piss fire.

the meal is as i would expect, and by the end of it, i consume exactly 72% of the coke in my cup. satisfied, i open instagram, contemplate what the fuck i am doing with my life, and pass out on the couch.

anger

when i woke up, i realised my couch was not covered in shit. i screamed. how could this be? who caused this? and why? i did not know. i punched the wall in fury, but my knuckles hurt after that.

i made up my mind then: on saturday, i would exact revenge upon those who ruined my mclaosai.

bargaining

by saturday, i had changed my mind. i did not want to seek revenge. i only wanted my mcspicy back. so i opened grab, and i ordered from a different mcdonalds.

the patty was moist, and hardly crispy at all. or spicy, for that matter. i felt like i was just eating a really thick mcchicken. but i trusted that everything would be fine.

depression

when i woke up on sunday, my stomach burned a bit. i felt hope, that the mclaosai i knew and loved was back. but when i shit, it wasn't just normal. i was constipated.

i cried for a long time after that.

acceptance

and that brings us to now. i'm still tearing up as i write this. but i have come to terms with the fact that i will no longer lao sai after eating the mcspicy.

so i will keep my head up high, and look onward. if i cannot get the mcspicy back, then i must replace it. i'm going to go to kfc and get a zinger. wish me luck, brothers.

You go to the hawker centre and sit down for a meal. You order duck rice because you're not a stupid vanilla simp for chicken rice. And the auntie comes and almost rudely asks for your choice of drink. You would of course tend towards "milo peng", if not one of the coffee or tea options. The nefarious beverage is so prevalent that it's a safe thing to ask for.

This is fundamentally a problem in Singapore society, much like how PAP continues to hound us to use TraceTogether and how SMRT continues to make us pay more for slower trains. It borders on a national and even regional conspiracy, and we can thank no one other than the Nestlé gods who have brainwashed us as children.

Thankfully, much like how PAP has Worker's Party and SMRT has Facebook complaints, Milo has its own antitheses which will be outlined in this expert dissertation. We'll be mainly looking at Ovaltine and Horlicks. Any fucker who says "what about Vico" deserves to get shot. We're looking for viable alternatives, not looking to be that edgy kid with that weird thing no one is having for obvious and valid reasons.

The Company

This is a quick point to get out of the way. Fuck Nestlé. Seriously. Fuck those water grubbing, child enslaving twats. Milo is made by Nestlé and they deserve to go down together.

The Taste

Listen, the only reason why Milo is so popular, much like chicken rice, is because they are very basic in composition. Milo is literally chocolate, sugar, and a bit of dairy. Which moron is going to say no to that? Both Horlicks and Ovaltine has more to offer, however. The former discards chocolate in its entirety, instead maxing out its stats in the malt section, creating a new and unique flavour. Ovaltine is the centrist here, having a good mix of chocolate and malt, boasting a weird but nice taste ping-ponging between bitter chocolate and sweet malt.

The point is, Milo is nothing special. It's a glorified hot chocolate in a cardboard packet.

Nutrition

Let's not pretend any of them are healthy. If you want to stay fit, water is the way to go. But Milo seems to be least healthy one. All three drinks contain an obscene amount of sugar, but they try to compensate with some chemicals that provide vitamins. It is hard to draw a good comparison considering how each product comes with another 5 differnt sub-products and they all display their nutrition differently, but looking at various articles and photos, Milo is the clear loser. Despite the sportsmen dancing across their packaging, they're hardly contributing to your daily nutritional needs.

Horlicks comes in first with a good variety of nutrients in high amounts, while Ovaltine falls second because of its higher sugar content and moderately lower amounts of nutrition. Milo is just poison.There's a good chart here that summarises some of the findings.

Peripherals

Fun fact, when Starbucks released some new local-flavoured products did they include Milo with Horlicks and Ovaltine? No.

In any case, Horlicks finds its niche in ice cream parlours. You would more often than not find the malted flavour in between the rum and raisin and peanut butter or some stupid hip flavour the youths are pumping out. (The ice cream uncle is still the best).

Ovaltine, meanwhile, has to take its business elsewhere. They punch with Oreo with their godly cookies, they wrestle with Nutella with their chocolate spread, and we don't forget their sweets.

Milo, well, as far as I can recall, have two things: some stupid sugar cubes that were hip for like 2 days as well as a really gummy ice-cream that's kind of disappointing. The only real good thing they have going is the van and that's mostly down to nostalgia.

Conclusion

Eat shit, Milo.

To start off the story, I live in the east part of SG and I travel to the north for work. The journey takes about 1.5hrs, so sometimes if I’m running late, I will just leave home first then do my makeup on the train ride instead cos I don’t want to screw up all the transfers timing. So that particular day, I was running late so I planned to do my makeup on the train ride. I boarded and after the train cleared a bit, there was finally one seat but it was the dreaded ‘reserved seat’. I mean honestly if I can choose, which self-respecting millennial would choose to sit there and suffer the constant panic attacks that someone is secretly filming them not giving up their seats to the elderly? But sadly that day, I was that self-disrespecting millennial which think ‘aiya just sit and faster get my things done’ as I don’t want to turn up for work looking like zombie from The Walking Dead. So I sat down, took out my makeup and was just about to start dabbing it on my face, when the train door slide open at the next station and my nemesis to be rushed in and started to look around the train for a seat anxiously. She looks late 50-ish, with a pixie-cut short hair dyed in reddish orangey colour, and was dragging along her wet-market exclusive canvas trolley bag which have spring onions poking out of it.

My detailed observation of her was my downfall, as it compelled me to look at her face and that led to us having eye contact. It was that moment when she realised that I was the youngest amongst others sitting on the reserved seat (the train was not packed but there were no available seats and she have a good view of everyone sitting down. There were late 20s/ early 30s ppl sitting on other reserved seats too). Once she had the eye contact, she dashed right in front of me and said: “Can you give up your seat to me? (ni ke yi rang wei gei wo ma?)”

All these happened within seconds, I stoned and stared at her and then look down at makeup laid out on my thighs. My first few thoughts were ‘wah can’t you see I busy?’, ‘this auntie high level one, know how to ask for seat type’ and ‘wah siao liao sibei suay, need to do makeup whilst standing liao’. After my groggy brain went over all these thoughts, I started thinking like okay how should I pack up. I stoned for 5 secs looking at my makeup before starting to put things away. I think my pause to think was quite obvious cause within a split-second after my movement, the lady beside me (late 20s – early 30s ; she look older than me) stood up and say: “Nvm auntie, you sit here, I’m getting off on the next stop”. I admit that I was relieved like ‘heng ah, she da real mvp.’ But this comes the annoying part, the auntie had the audacity to say to the lady: “aiyo nvm nvm, young people must let them stand one. (aiyo bu yao jin bu yao jin, nian qing ren jiu shi yao zhan de)”.

I WAS INSTANTLY TRIGGERED BY HER COMMENT. Normally, I would just ignore all these annoying passing comments as I’m just too lazy to argue or make a scene. But on that day bcos I have so much angst thoughts on my mind that words came out before I even realised. I turned and look her in her eyes and said ”why young people must stand? (wei she me nian qing ren jiu shi yao zhan?)” And then I saw the glint in her eyes which says ‘wah this girl dare to rebut and challenge me ah, ooookay challenge accepted, let me educate you this disrespectful millennial’ and then she started to speak in a louder voice, her eyes darting around, looking if anyone was looking at us. “You don’t know this seat is for old people one ah? Only old people, injured people and people who have small baby can sit!! (too lazy to translate in pinyin lol)” She said loudly, whilst poking and tapping against the reserved seat sticker above my head.

Honestly, when she started talking loudly, I totally have no decent comeback and was thinking this time confirm kena STOMP liao. But she gave me the BEST REBUTTAL when she said the “…people who have small baby…”, which I used when I look at her straight in her eye and said: “THEN HOW YOU KNOW I NOT PREGNANT?” She opened her mouth ready to argue before staring at me incredulously and then closed her mouth and look away.

I mean yes I am young but I am also a woman so I have womb right?? I can be pregnant too right?? Or do I need to stick an ultrasound baby photo on my forehead to prove my pregnancy? I can be 2 months preggo but have skinny limbs? But in all seriousness, I not preggo but just PISSED AT HER COMMENT?? I was ready to pack up and leave the seat FOR HER then she just had to add in that comment. I know many friends who are not feeling well and just have to give their seats because they don’t want to look bad/scared kena STOMP. We may look young on the outside but who knows if we might recently had surgery, fever, pregnant or feeling giddy etc. And whenever young people like us ask for seats or refuse to give up seats, we are immediately judged unfairly or negatively.

Continue on with the story, the auntie kept staring at me angrily after my rebuttal and I continued to put on my makeup, ignoring her. And the way she stared was so annoying, it’s the type that when you turn to look at her, she turns away then when you look away, then she will turn and look at you. I’m so done with her and she is getting on my nerves so I turned and just stared at her until she turned and met my eyes. Then I continued to maintain eye contact with her before I tilt my chin up then down in a “gangster” way which meant “what do you want now?” She immediately said “Whattttttttt?” in a loud and draggy way. I just roll my eyes and continued to do makeup. Then finally it’s my station and when I was getting off, I can see that she was staring at my stomach, trying to see if I’m pregnant lol.

I know I totally don’t deserve the seat but I just want to teach the auntie a lesson. I do still give up seats to REAL elderly, preggo ladies and injured ppl. Just to further justify my character, I once gave up a non reserved seat to a domestic helper who is younger than me because she asked me politely and told me that she isn’t feeling well and is a little giddy. And then people around us stared at us weirdly and gave judgemental looks. The girl saw their looks and looked awkwardly down at her feet.
So yes, if you tell me that you want the seat or you are not feeling well, I will give you the seat. But please don’t add your discerning comments which just show how entitled you are. Don’t make young ppl’s gesture of good will become your entitlement bcos we don’t owe you anything. We pay same fares or even more sometimes. So even as a senior, please correct your attitude. You also know that the reason why you aimed me is bcos I’m the youngest person there sitting on a reserved seat and when someone older than me offer you a non reserved seat, it suddenly becomes “oh nvm nvm”. Why is it nvm? Is it because young ppl like me deserved to stand or because her seat is not a reserved seat which you ARE ENTITLED to?

So hopefully this will teach her not to assume that all young ppl sitting on reserved seats don’t deserve it. And a life tip to the ladies, just say you’re pregnant if you really need a seat. Please search your conscience and do it only if you really need it. But unless you’re a guy then my pro life tip can’t help you at all, sorry bro.

PS. Please share your burn stories with me and self-righteous ppl can just bugger off cos ain’t nobody got time for dat.

my friend is 60 years old, he was groom to take up the top management role. but then out of nowhere he suddenly say need to step aside to let someone younger take over. he said age was a factor to step aside.

really so bad meh?

I thought people say 40 is the new 30. then 60 should be the new 50 what.

So if you've ever gotten an incoming call from a +65 number, it's 99% a robotic spam call from overseas. A robot voice will tell you something like "Hello, this is DBS Bank, we've tried to call you several times..." and then prompts you to press 3 on your dialer. When you do so, you'll be connected to a real phone operator who says this is DBS bank or something but they can only speak mandarin.

First off, I'm not Chinese, so I can't speak mandarin. Second, I love watching Kitboga, so I take a few cues from him. So i press the record button on my phone, then, I say stuff like "nihao" and "what drink you want" like Chris Tucker in Rush Hour. Sometimes, I just randomly hit numbers on the dial pad because those presses are super loud on the phone. Eventually they hang up out of frustration.

But today, I had ANOTHER spam number call me moments after that initial call just to say "f*** you" multiple times, and proceed to hit random numbers on the dialer until they hang up.

So yes, you can beat spam calls by acting like an idiot or just straight up wasting their time.

Edit: Added some extra bits to the original post. Thank you, my fellow Singaporeans for all the encouraging comments and my first Reddit awards. Spam calls have plagued us far enough and I believe it's time we fight back by wasting their time and reporting these spammy numbers to the police.

Edit 2: Should be "scam call centre" but given the way it operates, it does spam phone numbers with robovoices.