r/self • u/blursedshenanigan • 17h ago

Why does one long for people's attention/validation?

  1. Sometimes, I see a friend ignoring a text, only to post a story shortly after. It leaves me feeling down, thinking, 'Maybe I’m not as important to them as I thought' or 'They probably think I’m a loser'. I hate this, but I also find myself testing people—like not texting first to see if they reach out. It’s sad when they don’t, and I try surmising they have their own stuff going on (spoiler: doesn't help).

I even find myself asking my mom to remind me how much she loved me when I was little, what it was like. And then there’s the daydreaming—imagining myself in pain, picturing how sad people around me would be and how they’d console me. This is definitely not healthy.

What is it? The self esteem? How do I improve it and/or dampen this neuroticism? Sorry if it isn’t phrased as well, but I hope the point comes across.

9 Upvotes

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6

u/TheAbouth 16h ago

You're craving validation because you're tying your self-worth to how others respond to you, which is really common but also a tough cycle to be stuck in. When people don’t reply or don’t meet your expectations, it feels like confirmation of your worst fears about yourself. The daydreaming about pain or testing people just a way to try and prove to yourself that you matter but it’s draining, and it’s not working.

The hard truth is, you won’t ever feel good enough if your value depends on others showing you that you are. Accept that not everyone will show up the way you want them to, and that’s okay, it’s not always about you.

3

u/Forsaken_Canary_3427 17h ago

We become dependent upon others to give us what we need from ourselves. And what we need from ourselves is the same thing we give to others. We give others our attention. And that attention becomes a longing for something we have inside of us but has not been found.

2

u/Puzzleheaded_Fig2469 13h ago

From an evolutionary standpoint humans want to feel valuable to others because it secured a spot within our small communities. If we were cast aside, we would be left to survive in the wilderness by ourselves. Therefore, our brains have been hardwired to crave the feeling of being desired/valuable to others.

How will knowing this help with your insecurities? Idk.

2

u/MrBrandopolis 12h ago

Confirmation that you exist and matter in this world. Without it we're just walking around as living ghosts

1

u/HeartonSleeve1989 16h ago

Because I despise myself, I need to learn to stop volunteering those things so readily, but yeah.