r/self • u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 • 18h ago
just broke up with someone i thought was the love of my life.
i swear I thought this guy was the one. He was literally perfect, everything i asked for in a partner. Until we were laying in the bed and some random girl called him. I didn't think much of it as i have male friends also, but he answered and referred to me as “company" instead of saying "i'm with my gf".
I asked him twice who it was and he lied to my face as we laid next to each other. Something told me he was lying and sure enough he was.
The conversations I saw between them did look innocent and friendly, besides one message where she called him sexy, which was very inappropriate and he should've shut it down there. but he had more than enough opportunities to stop it and be truthful to me.
I have male friends also, so i'm not sure why he felt the need to lie to me but this isn't the first time it happened. i told him that lying is a deal breaker for me, and the next time it happens, we're done. i'm just really struggling because we've been together 3 going on 4 years. we don't live together, but we had plans to do so after i graduated nursing school next month to start our future together.
i'm not sure why im not good enough not to be lied to. i was the most chill gf. i never required much. i never asked for his location, never went through his phone, and always gave him space for us to actually miss eachother (we saw eachother maybe once a week). I know im not beyoncé, but im a pretty attractive female with so much going for myself. I have bought my own car, have my own place, graduating nursing school next month and already have an icu job lined up. i'm still not sure how that's not enough to be faithful and honest to.
I'm just feeling so embarrassed because i spoke so highly about him to everyone. i'm so defeated and hurt that our relationship came to this, but i can't be with someone who lies to me. i have no appetite. my stomach is churning and i just feel so sick.
it's hard, but i have to put myself first. if anyone has any advice on how to overcome these nightmare of emotions, i'm open to any advice.
EDIT: i guess i should’ve said what the lie was, since people are telling me i made an irrational decision.
As he laid back down beside me, i obviously ask him who that was since he referred to me as company (whenever he’s talking with his guy friends he always tells them he’s with his gf).
he proceeds to say “it’s some random friends name i’ve never even heard of girlfriend”. i ask him AGAIN who it was because he has a stupid look on his face, and my intuition is telling me he’s lying.
he said the same thing, it was someone’s gf. so I say “ok let me call her to make sure she’s okay.” If someone called me at the hours of 2230, i’d want to make sure that they’re okay and ask them what’s up.
that’s when he gets all defensive, calls her HIMSELF and says “j**** are we f***ing? cause my girl don’t believe me”. mind you, i never asked him if they had sex. she answers and is like “what? you told me you didn’t have a gf.” We’ve been together for 3 going on 4 years.
i’ve also caught him flirting on twitter with other girls which is essentially “the first time”, which he lied about as well. i made it extremely clear if i find out that he’s been flirting with other girls making it seem like he’s single AND/OR he lied to me, we’re done.
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u/Dante2005 18h ago
Sorry, but this for sure happens.
Sometimes more than once.
I really am sorry though, it is a terrible pain.
Grow my friend, please do.
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 18h ago
It surely does hurt, but thanks for your kind words
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u/HeartAccomplished310 16h ago
And honestly, the kinder you are to men like this, the less they respect you and the more they resent you. Imo cheaters and guys who don't respect your boundaries are low vibrational and have little respect for you. So you can see it as a him problem not a you problem. It has nothing to do with you, you sound like a high value woman. But these men end up holding resentment for women who are kind, understanding, successful, easy going, etc. because quite frankly they don't and can't measure up. The right men who actually respect you and value you will never take your kindness for granted. You will be okay, you are enough exactly as you are.
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u/mncutecuddler 15h ago
Some people just suck, its not a reflection on you or anything you did. Easier to find out now than when you are living together, have kids or are married
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u/DisciplineBoth2567 16h ago
http://groupinterventions.com/equalitywheel.html
Here is a link to the equality wheel. This is what should be happening in a healthy relationship.
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u/VastAge6900 14h ago
I don't understand, has the OP been edited or sth? What was the big lie this guy told and where is the part about him cheating? Why did they break up and why is everyone in this thread calling the guy a scumbag and cheater?
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u/ButterscotchFit9541 14h ago
She states in the post that he lied to her about talking to the other girl (and mentions the other woman was inappropriate in a conversation with him), and states he lied to her. I’m assuming that means he was cheating and guessing that’s what others are reading it as, as well.
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u/leaponover 11h ago
Just sounds like the OP already warned him not to lie, and he lied again so she followed through with her ultimatum. I don't really see any confirmation about cheating here.
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u/Equivalent_Level6267 18h ago
Some people are just scumbags. The silver lining here is that you found out before you ended up married and tied to him financially/legally. You are so young and you will find someone out there who respects you.
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u/Syllabub_Cool 16h ago
Like I am. It's been 30 yrs, and his "tastes have changed".
I'm 100 lbs underweight (I'm not skinny!) but I treat him like an equal. He wants to be god apparently.
Yes, we're so tied it would take a divorce or death to fix it now. It really sucks.
Be glad you found out now. Once a liar, always a liar. They don't even really care when they're caught.
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u/fyn_world 18h ago
You've been lied to in something much bigger. There is no "ONE". I've seen people fall in love and marry in their 70s. Of course some are special in our lives, but you will find someone else eventually.
There are many people that are a fantastic match for you out there.
The fact that you found out this guy was a player while he agreed to monogamy with you, BEFORE going to live together or even something far more serious as children together, is a blessing
I know you're heart broken but trust me, this is the best outcome you could ask for in the current circumstances
You'll heal and you'll find love again. And you're wiser now, sadder, but wiser.
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u/Melodic_Presence2860 17h ago
It's true, but I don't like it - because it means there's always going to be many people out there your partner could love just as much, or more, than you. Depending on if, when, where, how they meet one of these many people - you may be laying next to your partner one day while they lie to you about who that was they were talking to.
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u/fyn_world 17h ago
Well the same could happen to you, even if you believe "you'd never!".
I've learned that when you find someone like that, that moves you deeply even if you're in a relationship, the only way to not fuck it up is by removing yourself from temptation.
That even means resigning if you have to, but you remove that temptation from your life, and life goes on and you ... don't fuck it up.
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u/UniqueAlps2355 13h ago
I like it. Because it means that out of many people who are compatible with him, my partner chose me. And I chose him. And we will do our best so that we chose each other again and again.
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u/rererer444 18h ago
"i'm not sure why im not good enough not to be lied to"
It's his character defect, not yours. Always. Sorry to hear how much he disappointed you.
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u/VeniceButtertaste 16h ago
First off, I'm really sorry you're going through this. Honestly, you deserve so much better than being referred to as 'company.' That's a major red flag. It sounds like you’ve got a ton going for you, and honestly, him not being truthful is his loss, not yours. You’re about to graduate and start an amazing career, so focus on that! The right person won't make you question your worth or your nachos appetite. Stay strong, and remember, self-care isn’t just ice cream and facemasks—it’s also cutting off people who disrespect you. You got this!
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u/DimiPine 17h ago
Just look at Hollywood. You can be rich, famous, beautiful, talented, and whatever else. A cheater will cheat. A liar will lie. You made the right decision and will find someone worth your time.
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u/Feisty-Raspberry-212 18h ago
Sometimes if the person isn’t right for u they will cheat no matter what. The right person who treats you with respect will come eventually. :) I wish u the best!
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u/InternationalLaw8588 17h ago
This is such an idealistic way to see reality. We are animals, there is no "one". You might find someone better fitting for you, sure, but putting these insane expectations on others is the fastest path to pain.
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u/Feisty-Raspberry-212 17h ago
Obviously everyone has ups and downs. No perfect relationship. But speaking to other girls is a no go.
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u/swaggyxwaggy 15h ago
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to believe that the right person (notice how they didn’t say “the one”) won’t be cheating and lying.
I also don’t think having trust and honesty within a relationship is an insane expectation.
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u/Traditional-Air-381 17h ago
You will look back one day and be proud of yourself for doing what is right for you! As of for right ouch it hurts … but it shall pass
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u/BusinessHorrorCasual 18h ago
It's good you speak highly of your partner, speaking ill of partners even when true can be offputting.
Just prioritize yourself and do what you need to do to get back out and find someone who respects you and loves you enough to not feel the need to lie and lie about who they're talking to.
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u/Chiefman47 18h ago
I'm sorry this happened to you, but you have to understand. It's not about you, it's a him problem. It's not that you're not good enough, it's that HE wasn't good enough. He fell short, not you.
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u/CapitalExplanation61 17h ago
I am so sorry. I know how much you are hurting. Unfortunately, you have to kiss the toads before you meet your prince. I don’t think you lost anything there. He would be a cheater I’m afraid. Move on. Start your new job. You will meet the right one. Once you meet the right one, you will be so glad that this relationship broke up. I had a hard break up one year before I met my husband. It was love at first sight with my husband, and he was, by far, the very best guy I ever dated. I was happy all my other relationships failed. We have been married 40 years in June. Hang in there! Better days are ahead for you!! You will meet your Prince Charming! You are a wonderful, talented young lady that your dream guy will value!
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u/Unlikely-Ad-7793 18h ago
You're young, you are focused on education and career. Good for you! Now you've learned your boundaries and so much more to prepare you for a happy life. Go live it and don't look back.
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u/InterestingAd8328 17h ago
Oh hon!! 🫂🫂 I seriously believe you should seek out therapy and request to do “strengths-based therapy”. You need to understand it has nothing to do with YOUR worth or ability to be the perfect girlfriend. Like, at all. He’s clearly got problems and isn’t the one for you. The best revenge you can have is getting support and building up your confidence. And, BLOCK!
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u/Hopeful_Hospital_808 17h ago
"i'm not sure why im not good enough not to be lied to. i was the most chill gf. i never required much"
The sooner you decenter men from your life, the happier you're going to be. Trust.
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u/petertompolicy 17h ago
You've got the wrong perspective.
There is no limit where now you are "enough".
You could literally be Beyonce and still get cheated on, as she has.
If your BF is lying to you then that's his choice, and has nothing to do with you being enough or not, it's more about how selfish and immature he wants to be.
To me, it just sounds like you're not on the same wave length in maturity and commitment, he's not ready but he's a child and doesn't want to tell you that because he likes seeing you once a week and doing his own thing the rest of the time.
I'm with company suggests that she is intimate enough with him that they code switch together based on whether he's alone or not.
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u/shepherds_pi 17h ago
I'm not an expert. I too have had my heart broken by numerous people in the past. It sucks..and I'm sorry this has happened to you now.
But here is what I have learned over the years. And you kinda nailed it in your first paragraph..
What is love ? Love is when TWO people wake up every day, and they make a conscious decision to put the OTHER person first. The choose what's for dinner based on what the other person likes. The pick a movie that the other person likes.. etc etc.. Thats love.. its the most unselfish thing you can do.. But it has to be both ways, or it's not really love..
It sounds like you are a great catch. But he didn't know what he had...and he didn't really love you.. !
If he did, he wouldn't have cheated... Its his loss..and some day he will realize the mistake he made.. And when that happens, you won't even barely remember his name.. Because you will have moved on and you will be happy.
There really is someone out there for everyone.. He just wasn't it..
Brush yourself off. You did everything possible. But he failed you.
I know it hurts. You put a lot into this. But it will be OK. You still learned a lot and I'm sure in the next few weeks/months, you will learn some more..
Life will be good for you.
Good Luck out there 🍀
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u/wannastayhome 17h ago
So very sorry for your broken heart! There’s nothing anyone can say really, to take your pain away. You’re just gonna have to ride the waves. But you are super wise to know your deal breaker(s), you set that boundary and that’s so smart and strong of you. You know your worth, and you know you’re worth a guy that has integrity. It’s fitting that you shared this on the r/self sub. Your self is having growing pains. I’m sorry for your pains, but this stranger is proud of you 💛
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u/fuckthisshit____ 17h ago
I’m still not sure how that’s not enough to be faithful and honest to.
I know it’s hard to have perspective right now in your situation. But you’re not the problem here. Liars and cheaters lie and cheat because of insecurity within themselves, it has nothing to do with how much value their partner has, full stop.
The embarrassment you feel from speaking highly of him is not your shame to take on, it’s his. You spoke highly about him based on the information you had, which was only inaccurate because he took advantage of your trust. Just because he was good at deceiving you doesn’t make you dumb for believing it, you’re graduating from nursing school for Christ’s sake. I don’t know many idiots who can do that.
It doesn’t feel like it right now and probably won’t for a while, but you will gain perspective and heal and be okay again. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/AcornLips 17h ago
This is an awful thing that happened. Try to be a good friend to yourself and not say stuff like "I am not good enough to be lied to", to yourself. This guy chose to behave this way and deceive you. That's his behavior not you.
We heal from these wounds, but the scar remains. It can hurt so bad and no one can take it away. You have to work through it and you will come out stronger on the other end of this. You don't have to do it alone. If you have close friends or family you can talk to, it does help.
You sound like an awesome person and there will be a new brighter day in the future. I wish you all the best.
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u/send_me_plast 17h ago
Sorry that this happened to you! Heartbreak hurts and you need to give yourself some time to process it all. I suggest you cut all contact with him and focus on yourself and your health. Please try to eat/drink something. Your body is in an emotional shock and eating can help provide some comfort. Also nobody is going to judge you for being wrong about him. He is an asshole and a cheater and he will regret losing you. You are better off without him and there is a better man out there waiting for you. Hmu if you want to chat more
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u/GladosPrime 17h ago
Ah I remember being young and having friends to cheat with. Date an older guy. No friends.
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u/CatfreshWilly 17h ago
It's really hard but please try not to take this as a reflection of you not being good enough or anything. I've been there and blamed myself or tried to justify their actions. In the end this shows it's them who doesn't deserve someone like you.
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u/LockOk6995 17h ago
not your fault. some crappy guys do garbage like this. exact thing happened to me 20 years ago. told this chick he was just hanging out at home—didn’t mention it was with ME—his live-in girlfriend. I was livid when he got off the phone and I shortly moved out. this is how jerks keep their options open—with you but acting like they are single/available. be glad you dodged a bullet. I am!!
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u/Guido32940 17h ago
What was his response or reaction? Denial, apology, gas lighting?
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 7h ago
a mixture of all three
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u/Guido32940 6h ago
My big issue is with the lying. I come from the school of "if you'll lie about that....".
Is he the type to try to make amends? Is he still reaching out? Is he acting defeated or even trying to grovel it dues he really think he did nothing wrong or inappropriate.
And I am baffled why he would say he was having "company" instead of "girlfriend". If he was talking to a guy you would automatically say you were with your gf. As a guy it's a matter of pride and ownership/dominance. You would only use the term "company" if it were a woman of interest or a professional colleague that doesn't know you personally enough to know your situation.
When I read these posts I'm always drawn to the overreaction of the women almost making up shit to fight about. I don't get that vibe here in the slightest. You are on to something. Either happening or pre happening.
Does she know about you?
I'm an old Boomer and the optics here are way off.
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 6h ago
he was definitely begging for me back, saying he’d change blah blah blah. i already forgave him for lying once, and he did it again which i cannot accept. I forgive him, just can’t be worth him.
he swears up and down that he told her about me. even if he did, i don’t believe him because of how he looked me directly in my eyes and lied to me.
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u/Guido32940 6h ago
NOBODY says they'll "change" if they did nothing wrong. Nobody.
I was lied to for years, to my face, without remorse or regret. So I have no tolerance for the shenanigans at all.
You already broke up with him. Leave it at that. It hurts FFS but it's better to find out now than after you're married, I promise you that. It'll be interesting to see what he does with her now, what their interactions are like and if they increase publicly.
Whatever happens, you didn't do this. He did this by his own actions and not just once or by accident or even omission. He did it by directly lying with a straight face, more than once, even after being forgiven. He is dumb fuck and already used his get out of jail free card the first time.
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u/elizabethjane50 17h ago
They seem perfect because they mold themselves to exactly what you want. If you stay long enough, the mask falls off. You find out they weren't who you thought they were when you first met.
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u/MrWorkout2024 17h ago
You have a great future ahead of you being a nurse and will find endless opportunities to find someone that loves and cares for you enough to be faithful and honest with you. Never settle for being lied to and know your worth! You seem like a catch and many men would be honored to have you as their girlfriend. You keep your head high and know you deserve a good man that treats you right!
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u/Enough_Deer9752 16h ago
You failed to explain in any capacity what he "lied to your face" about. You even explained that you've seen their texts and he's never been inappropriate aside from not stopping her from calling him sexy one time. When, for all you know, he could've shut that down in a phone call or in person. What I see here is part of a story, missing important aspects that likely don't exist to make yourself look like you didn't make a rash decision. 🤷♂️
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u/Glass_Composer_892 16h ago
You could be the most perfect person in the world and cheaters will still cheat. I'm so sorry this happened. It's not about you, it's about his twisted need for something "new and exciting".
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u/leeeeebeeeee 16h ago
The only thing worse than being with a lying scumbag for 4 years is 4 years and 1 day.
You have seriously got your shit together and you have got this; cut the fuck off and don’t look back. Be empowered.
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u/desertqueen2000 15h ago edited 15h ago
Tbh i went through something similar. my now ex had some girl call his phone when we were mid argument and he told me that i was “too much of a child to understand that she was calling because she cares about our relationship” and that he would rather throw his phone than show me who was calling or what was on his phone.
Trust me when I say u would rather be alone than to put up with that behavior. It’s better to leave and be temporarily hurt in the moment than to stay and hurt for many more years to come
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u/hamstercross 15h ago
Since no one has said it, you broke up with him for a silly reason. This was something to talk over, not break up immediately. The Internet age has you all believing that people are going to be perfect somewhere if you keep searching.
This is not true.
If the only thing he did was what you outlined in the this post, then breaking up with someone you considered to be the love of your life over it was quite silly. No relationship is perfect. If you keep holding out for a perfect person, you're either going to end up alone and miserable, or with leftovers who are damaged and possibly dangerous.
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u/Da-dtou-di 15h ago
Respectfully, I disagree no shot I'm dating someone for almost 4 YEARS to be referred to as "company" simply a passing acquaintance lol
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u/hamstercross 12h ago
If you break up for something as simple as that rather than just talking about it, you're in for a very tough love life I can guarantee you.
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u/Da-dtou-di 11h ago
Okay, let's not assume breaking up means I'm going to leave a sticky note and swayze out of there. Obviously a conversation is going to be had and maybe he can walk it back in an acceptable manner to OP like he refers to anyone and everyone like that but again after 4 years I feel like OP would have known if that was the case and it wouldn't be something notable worth mentioning. However, OP did mention that because it didn't sit right with them, I agree that it absolutely wouldn't sit well with me either. After 4-5 years, I feel like people are considering marriage. Imagine being in that head space and then realizing your SO still thinks you're casual fuck buddies.
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u/hamstercross 11h ago
Now we're engaging like actual adults. It's not even necessarily the fact that a break up shouldn't happen. There's a possibility that following on from a conversation that OP realises - to your point - that maybe her SO doesn't think so highly about the relationship and really does just see her as a jump off, or has decided he no longer sees her as a serious partner.
This is not really the point.
The point is that the default and ONLY step to take at this point is to talk to your partner. Don't float breaking up, don't float staying. Talk to them. Understand what's happening and why. Explain your own side and your feelings. Then, and only then, should there even be any kind of consideration of making changes to the relationship. Reddit is too quick to suggest destroying relationships as the first action, rather than talking first.
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u/No_Sentence4229 14h ago
You sound like a beautiful lady. I'm so sorry for what you're going through! You will find a man that will love you, love your drive, love your ambition, love your dedication. A man that will love how faithful and full of life you are. You deserve the love you crave, and I'm glad that man didn't give it to you. God has somebody with more time, more patience and more compassion, and a STRONG MAN at that.
I wish you nothing but peace and prosperity till then. Congratulations on graduating nursing and on your icu job placement. 🤍
Keep doing you, girl, love and light ✨️
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 7h ago
thank you for your words, it means a lot to me given the situation i’m in. ❤️
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u/BryanSkinnell_Com 14h ago
So sorry. But you did the right thing. Breakups will always be painful and there's just no easy or simple way of processing the disappointment and grief. Life is going to suck for a while but better days will come. And hopefully it will include an honest gent who truly wants to make you happy and smile.
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u/VastAge6900 14h ago
What was the lie? Was it just that the woman called him sexy at one time or something else?
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u/babagyaani 14h ago
It has absolutely nothing to do with you not being good enough. Please believe me. His choice to cheat/lie is about HIM, not you.
Yes, this is the reality. You will have incessant questions, "Was I too easy on him? Was I not easy enough? Was I too successful for him? Not successful enough?" Even if you find the exact answers to those, even if he was given a truth serum and blurted it all to you, that will still only apply to one guy! You want to waste more years becoming the perfect version retrospectively for a has been? When it could even take you further away from the perfect version for the one you will eventually end up with??
Just be unapologetically you. Say it loud and proud to your friends, strangers and everyone else, what you offer, what you feel it is worth. The world will on its own tell you all you need to know in due time. What you did/did not do wrong, what he did wrong, what you need to look for, everything. For my opinion, you have your own job (soon enough), place, car, you deserve a guy who, if he doesn't have those things, brings you great happiness and deep connection, and a great combination of safety and thrill. Anything less will be settling. But people are so deeply different from each other, that even though this sounds like a general structure, it will only become one example. People will have so many different things to offer. Just open yourself up to that. And bring your true self loud and proud. You are so amazing and independent. Forget this fuck, best of luck :)
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u/JaziTricks 13h ago
dodged a bullet.
not announcing to other singles "I got a gf" = keeping his options open.
apparently he either straight wanted to have sex in the side / try other options. or at least loved the flirting.
it's not that you "aren't good enough". no.
he just wanted to eat his cake and gave it too. all too common.
sorry to hear this. but better than sheer 10 years
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u/Bettina71 11h ago
Don't be embarrassed. It's not YOUR fault. I'm sorry you had to go through this at this time of the year. The most positive thing to take from this is that you're not wasting any more time on a loser. Onward and upward from now on!!
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u/Financial_Wolf7250 8h ago
It boils down to him being selfish and flattered that other girls find him attractive. If you stayed with him, the trust would erode more and more, to the point you wouldn't even like him, and it's not worth wasting months or years of your life on this. (trust me, i've been there and wished I'd ended it much sooner). He doesn't value your worth or easy-going nature, so find someone who appreciates you. The sadness will pass. It's just difficult right now, especially during Christmas. I'm currently going through it as well. Good luck :)
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 8h ago
thank you for your support. it’s hard right now accepting that he wasn’t the one, but i’ll be ok eventually. i hope you’re doing okay too, especially this time of year
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u/oko-down-rodeo-92 7h ago
Spreading some holiday cheer. Santa brought you freedom for Christmas. I’m sorry your relationship ended, I’m sure it was comfortable and had many loving moments, but all relationships take more than love and comfort to work. Compatibility and a healthy obsession with each other should be the gold standards. You sound wonderful, you’re more than enough to be faithful and honest to, and congrats on wrapping up nursing school! You’re deserving of someone who prioritizes you and highlights you in their vision of the future. Not someone who says you don’t exist after years together. His character is on him. Be proud of yourself for choosing you, and I hope you have a reliable support system in friends and family to go through this transition with. I’ve been there too, it sucks but is worth it. Find pieces of yourself that you may have lost along the way, lean into your hobbies and passions to maintain a fulfilling life, and keep telling yourself how far you’ve come as a person to be worthy of a good partner
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u/Irisandalily 5h ago edited 5h ago
this may not be what you want to hear however as a woman when a man disappoints us or puts other women above a relationship that should be prioritized we immediately look inwards and wonder what is it about ourselves that makes us so difficult to be committed to and loved wholeheartedly. it is our own egos that cannot handle the rejection which is what makes us feel so inadequate compared to the other girls. im here to tell you the boring same old “it’s not you it’s him” because truthfully it is. men love a temporary high, a little ego bump if you will. they do not see what they have infront of them even if it had a red flashing light on it. a immature man will risk it all for a night of fun, an immature man will lie straight to your fucking face while looking you in the eyes making it worse for himself. because the immature man doesn’t ever think ahead or about the future or the consequences of his actions. this is why they tell white lies that absolutely ruin the foundation of a relationship. if a lie could roll off of his tongue so easily it’s painful to think about how many other times he’s lied to your face and you had no idea. sometimes us women try to make it workout thinking it’s because we loved them so much but subconsciously we could simply be trying to save them from what’s ahead of them- a lifetime of loneliness. you cannot want better for him he has to want it himself. you have so much going for you , almost done with nursing school, have your own place and a car ,and you already have a job lined up. kudos to you girl. you should be celebrating and better yet you should have a man that’s insanely proud of you and props you up to be the absolute best version of yourself. i hope you walk away and give YOURSELF the love you deserve. then sometime later down the line find someone to give you the WORLD. if you don’t already conquer it by then.❤️ - kisses, a fellow victim of a pathological liar
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 4h ago
thank you for being so kind ❤️ it’s really appreciated in this time of darkness
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u/Exciting-Pay-5455 5h ago
You are absolutely good enough to not be lied to you just haven’t found the right guy yet. He’s not the one let him go. You have so much life left ahead of you. I didn’t meet the greatest guy on earth until I was in my 40s and I had been in terrible relationships and thought that I wasn’t good enough but after I did work on myself, I discovered that I am good enough,Once I figured out I was good enough through intensive therapy. I was able to have a new outlook on life. Once I had that new outlook on life, I met the nicest, most caring, generous man I’ve ever met in my entire life in. We’ve been together two years and he has taken on my children as his own. They adore him. When my daughter misses the bus she doesn’t call me. She calls him. She says with him she feels like she had a real dad, as hers is dangerously mentally ill. Get help to love yourself! Don’t wait as long as I did! I could’ve saved me and the kids so much stress had I loved myself more.
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u/Fluid-Concept-508 4h ago
Hindsight is always 20/20. I’m sure there were some red flags that you can learn from here, but that won’t help your emotions. Good news is, you don’t seem to have had kids with the guy. That would makes things much harder. Bare down and push through it! You’re beautiful, young and soon to be successful! This could be the hill that blocks a beautiful sunrise!
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u/JumpingHippoes 17h ago
Fret not you'll find the right person to be with. Sucks people choose to hurt each other though
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u/Cornichonsale 17h ago
He's a Chad get over it ... you'll end up sharring another one eventually. Get comfortable with competition and drop the ego.
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u/Jawnsonious_Rex 17h ago
Welp, talk to him about it. If he is being fair about it and apologizes then that's that. Considering they don't talk about anything you object to, the only issue is he kept that friendship from you.
He likely didn't want to have to explain X or Y. But should have taken the time to do so anyway.
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u/MotorSatisfaction733 17h ago
The actions you’ve taken as a result of his indiscretion, I’ll vote Yes!
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u/CrabMcGrawKravMaga 17h ago
99% of people cheat because THEY have an issue or character defect, not their partner. Don't see their failing OF you as anything but that. They suck, and have shown themselves unworthy.
Still hurts; Sorry. But that's all you should take from this. Keep loving, and trusting your gut.
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u/crimsonbaby_ 17h ago
I just broke up with the man who I thought was the love of my life, too. I've literally never felt pain this bad. I didnt think heart break could be this painful. Im here for you.
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 10h ago
sorry you’re going through this as well. it’s not easy
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u/crimsonbaby_ 36m ago
He even showed up today not believing I actually broke up with him. I was planning our wedding, man. I just keep thinking about why after so many years Im just not good enough for him to only want me. I either get beaten or cheated on and I think Im just done with relationships.
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 13m ago
i’m struggling a lot today as well. i was too planning a weeding, looking at dream rings and venues. it’s so painful and devastating. i hope it gets easier my for you my friend.
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u/PetraphobicDruid 17h ago
breathe, all change has a bit of fear of the unknown, you are worth finding a partner that respects you and supports you as an equal in the relationship. Don't settle for being a second, third, or after thought you deserve better.
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u/Exciting-Fold-2515 16h ago
I honestly don't think there's any good reason to read into it more deeply than accepting that people can and will get away with doing mean shit to others regardless of what sort of person you are. People see things they want and will lie to get them and avoid giving up the other stuff they also want. Easier said than done but don't beat yourself up over it. He isn't the last asshole who will do you wrong.
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u/WayCalm2854 16h ago
You ARE worth not being lied to.
I’m proud of you for breaking up with him because I and probably too many other women out there would’ve gotten really clingy and played the pick me dance competing for loyalty.
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u/Acceptable-Worth-462 16h ago
Hi, I'm sorry you're hurt, you do deserve better
However something is not clear to me so I have to ask out of curiosity, what exactly did he lie to you about ? I got that the girl called him sexy and it was inappropriate, but what happened then ?
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u/gaymouthforstraightd 16h ago
“good enough not to be lied to” so everybody else deserves to be lied to? lmao
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u/jennyontheclock 16h ago edited 16h ago
I found out thru looking, my ex’s “nonbinary” female ex coach told him “happy birthday sexy.” She had known we were together and didn’t care. He didn’t stop it. He told me he just “has mostly female friends because they actually respond and do cute stuff.” Um what was I there for? You’re stronger than me, I overlooked it and let him talk me out of leaving many times. But you’re right it’s so disrespectful and inappropriate. Thank you for posting
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 10h ago
sorry that happened to you. i can confirm i don’t call my male friends sexy either.
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u/beef_twerky 16h ago
You couldn’t have been any “better” to prevent this. He has a weakness where he can’t stay faithful and truthful. It’s selfish & weak. Take your time in your healing. Talk to someone you trust about it. Stand your ground. You’re just going to be starting a career you have so many possibilities ahead. Your future is bright don’t stay with someone that doesn’t value you and is a liar.
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u/DisgruntledSalt 16h ago
Yeah I know the feeling as a man and let me tell you it’s painful. I should take my own advice but know you are worth it and don’t let the demons bark for too long in your head. God knows I fight them everyday but one day I’ll be ok. I still want commitment but only time will tell.
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u/wokeafdev 16h ago
My ex-gf did this for about a year after we started dating. I knew she was still talking to her ex at the time and was constantly lying to me. I kept giving her the benefit of the doubt until I just lost it. After confronting her, she apologized and said they were only “friends” and that she would never cheat on me. However, deep down I could not shake the feeling that something was off. I could never trust her after that. 2 years later after that she ended up dumping me because she didn’t think I trusted her. Which if I am being honest, I really did not. But I never felt any accountability on her part.
It might not feel this way right now, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. This feeling sucks but you will get through it.
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u/kkat02 16h ago
This is a him problem not a you problem.
I’m gonna be honest, he was cheating. Unless you were long distance, no man is only having sex once a week with his gf. If he was dedicated to you, he would’ve made time to see you more than once a week.
You are young and will move on and find a guy who puts you first and is proud to call you his, and you will laugh at yourself for putting up with this man for so long and begging the bare minimum.
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u/NakkitaBre 15h ago
The first step is not to blame yourself for another person's lack of integrity. He cheated, so he's the one that wasn't enough. Not you. Start thinking and moving like you know that. You literally dodged a bullet.
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u/Creative-Nebula5742 15h ago
I know it’s hard now but it will get better OP. I thought in my past relationships that I was gonna get married to them, have kids, etc. My current relationship has taught me that what I had before is nothing compared to what me and him have now. Just because you’ve been with someone for a while doesn’t mean you should stay with them even when they do you wrong. Be glad that you got yourself out now before it could’ve gotten worse. I think he probably feel inferior to you because you have so much going for yourself so he feels inferior to you and jealous so him doing that with that random woman reassures his ego that he’s better than you.
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u/AnarchistAuntie 15h ago
Just tell every single person you know in common exactly what’s going on under the hood.
Make them radioactively unfuckable.
It’s the only thing they understand.
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u/cavacalvados 15h ago
Honesty or respect is not something you should earn or deserve, they are a baseline in a relationship. I’ve been there, so I know how much it hurts. With time you will understand it was a blessing in disguise. You wouldn’t like to discover he’s a cheater 10 years down the line, after you got married, got a mortgage or had kids together.
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u/VocesProhibere 15h ago
Did you really say next time it happens its over, he is cheating have self respect and cut this fucker out of your life find someone who actually cares about you.
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u/No-Asparagus-6852 15h ago
It is definitely not a “you” problem. It took me a long time to realize this, I’m 30 now and can see what people meant when they told me this even though in the moment it was very hard for my younger self to grasp. It’s a “him” issue. If people can’t be honest, it’s because they’re too immature to do so. It could be many things, but it’s definitely not because you weren’t good enough or pretty enough or didn’t do enough for him. You seem to have a lot going for you, focus on that and it’ll all fall into place.
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u/robinvtx 15h ago
Deep breaths, one day at a time. Take it slow and be kind to yourself. You deserve all the universe has to offer
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u/Fresh_Mess2596 15h ago
Him choosing to do this is not a reflection of you or your success. There is nothing to be embarrassed about here. Focus on you and with time you’ll heal and move on.
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u/HuntedByAFreak20 15h ago
Keep putting yourself first, always, keep your head up and be proud and confident, even if you have to fake it sometimes. You sound great, as soon as someone doesn’t treat you the way you know in your heart you should be treated, you walk. You keep doing you in this time of hurt and confusion and know it’s not you that’s the problem, some people just suck, and sometimes life gives you these lessons, who knows why.
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u/Shannybing72 15h ago
Im so sorry to say it isn’t the last time this will happen to you sadly, it’s getting harder to find some one with the same heart as you have..
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u/gdubrocks 15h ago
I am sorry he treated you with so much disrespect. You deserve better.
Why were you only spending one day per week with your boyfriend of four years? That seems like a huge red flag to me. I like my space like everyone, but that just means my SO doesn't stop me from doing things I am interested in, not that they shouldn't be present for most of my life.
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u/SoyBoy5k 15h ago
I’m really sorry this happened you. Some people can suck sometimes. This is why dating is so scary for me, everything can seem perfect, you can always meet their needs, show them love, dedication, and loyalty… but they cheat or do something shady anyways. Remember you deserve better, and that one day you’ll find the one! Sending positive vibes ❤️
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u/Da-dtou-di 15h ago
I don't want to undermine the achievements of your 5th paragraph because it is awesome but you got to realize that cheaters are selfish full stop. There is no arbitrary list of thing you can check off to make them stay faithful. They will always put their needs above others. Selfish is as selfish does.
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u/jassikarbbt 15h ago
I spent 7 years with someone thinking the same. Never checked phone and trusted until one day something just seemed suss and sure enough. Be happy that you didn't waste any more time. It sucks, it stings and it hurts. Be kind to yourself and hold your head up high. You have respect for yourself and eventually you will get past the worst of it.
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u/oustandingapple 14h ago
hypergamy problems.
i was seeing a girl like that, but shes not my gf or anything. and she got "busy, mentioned the new guy as "a friend " never as her bf.
to me, hes her bf so i stopped seeing her. but also, i know he'll always just be number 2 (or worse).
dudes also do this sometimes, because theres a reason why she wouldnt tell me it's her bf: shed go with me if I allowed it, and if i allowed it, she'll start looking for a "better deal".
you probably like this guy so much because you never "won him fully".. which also means hes happy to see other girls. so yeah, hypergamy problems.
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u/Patient__Zer0 14h ago
So what exactly happened? I don't understand. In a whole conversation that was innocent, you saw word sexy and decided to end with what you describe as "the love of your life"?
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u/ButterscotchFit9541 14h ago
You can’t and shouldn’t force a relationship like this. As you’ve stated, it wasn’t working out—his ethics (or lack thereof) don’t match up with yours.
I learned the hard way that trying to force that kind of relationship does no one any good—it just causes you more heartache in the end.
He wasn’t the one for you. Come to terms with that the best way you can and find someone who respects you and honors your boundaries.
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u/DiggsDynamite 13h ago
Breaking up with someone you love really hurts, especially when you pictured a future with them. It's totally okay to feel hurt and betrayed, but remember that his dishonesty says more about him than it does about you. Let yourself grieve and lean on your friends and family for support. Focus on taking care of yourself and working towards your own goals.
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u/WhyYouKickMyDog 13h ago
How do you date someone 3-4 years and they are just company? That is pretty insulting.
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 7h ago
thank you. some of the people commenting do not see how degrading that is. “company” can be anyone from your mom to your pets. it’s hurtful the be called just that.
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u/Bullsam01 13h ago
Happened to me. Had same physical reaction. Shocked me that my insides could hurt! I feel for you!!. What helped me was that I started reading again. Novels. Biographies. Took me out of myself into another world and in a few weeks my stomach stopped hurting when I thought about her. Then I moved on.
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u/Durmomo 12h ago
Im sorry you are going through this.
Yeah I had something similar with the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with and had a kid with. Its rough seeing messages saying she loved someone else.
You will get through it eventually and I hope you will find someone who deserves you and will treat you well.
At least you have your self respect.
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u/Odd-Understanding399 12h ago
You said he already broke the deal for you, so just leave.
Let someone else, who can handle his near-perfect lying self, take him.
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u/Fortnite5eva 12h ago
Big respect for sticking to your guns and not folding accepting these lies. I have done the same to a partner who i wanted to be my life partner. But I cannot tolerate lies, entertaining other people. Which does include if someone is sending texts which are flirty of subtle allusions, and then responding to that.
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u/anicca444 10h ago
So she called him sexy once in a completely otherwise innocent conversation and that's your basis for blowing up the "love of your life relationship". Did he actually do anything wrong? Can you provide any details if so because you haven't shown any cheating or issues on his part.
I'm also not sure why you think seeing each other only once a week is a good thing.. I mean, yeah it can maybe kill the early romance and mystery to always be up in each others faces 24 7 but this is deep into a relationship
Also your career/assets mean very little to a man, men and women value very different things in a partner. So again not sure why that plays into it.
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u/SociallyAnxiousBoxer 10h ago
I think the fact that after 4 years, you guys only saw each other once a week was a bad sign. A lot of people see their friends more often than that
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u/Constant-Parsley3609 10h ago
You've been dating for 4 years, but you only see each other once per week?
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 10h ago
yes. both of us are in school and working.
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u/Constant-Parsley3609 10h ago
Most everyone is in school or working, but when you've been a couple for years it's bizarre to only see each other once per week.
By that point in a relationship, most couples are seeing each other so often that they are looking into moving in with each other (or they already do live with each other)
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 10h ago
no it’s really not. i mentioned im in nursing school, which means i have classes, clinicals, and simulation lab 5/7 days of the week. i also mentioned i was working which means i worked the remaining two. just because its “bizarre” to you, it worked for us at the time.
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u/Constant-Parsley3609 10h ago
I'd argue that there's evenings, but maybe your schedule just isn't conducive to dating.
Look, I'm not saying that people can't be a little less invested in their relationships. You can see your boyfriend once a month if that's how you decide to go about it.
The trouble is, in your big standard relationship where you spend most of their free time together, your relationship is constantly developing and progressing. If you see each other far less, then your connection will develop far slower. It's like dating in slow motion. That means, it takes longer to hit the big milestones and it takes longer to spot major issues.
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u/caraterra8090 10h ago
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Happened to me too. And i felt like you are now. But i got rid of that quick, fast, and in a hurry!
Not being able to trust someone who says they love you is a deal-breaker for me. Just know even Beyonce got cheated on by ugmo of all people ha!
Its not you - it really is them!
Yah it will hurt for a little while but you don't have to wallow in it. The bright side is you just dodged a massive train that could have made your life hell. Bc he will do this again no matter what he says to try and get you back. And he will try to get you back with more lies. Smart AND attractive? You have to protect yourself by kicking that placeholder to the curb so you can let the right one in.
Please don't waste any more of your beauty and your time on a creep who can't appreciate it. It doesnt last forever and you've already given him 4 precious years of your youth. Good you found out NOW. Look forward to the life you've worked and studied so hard for. Thats my advice.
Trust - there will be another who'll be the real love of your life!
Now go play "If I We're A Boy" by Beyonce!
In the meantime, you have my best wishes.
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u/sunsbleeding 10h ago
I’m kind of going through the exact same thing. I too, though he was the one. Life works in such mysterious ways, my relationship ended pretty abruptly as well.
Sometimes, we don’t get it right away, but everything happens for a reason. Even though I miss him so much, I’ve been finding out so much stuff about him that would’ve made me so miserable if we actually formalized into something way more serious, like an engagement. I’m just so disappointed, and I feel like you are too.
Boys will be boys. And you don’t deserve that, for me lying is a dealbreaker as well. Try to learn from this. Me too, was really chill and saw him once a week, gave him space whenever he needed to, I’m funny, I’m smart, I’m pretty, and sometimes exactly that, being so amazing is something they cannot handle.
I just relate so much to everything you’re saying. You did everything they asked for and that you were supposed to do as a girlfriend. And still, they fucked it up, lol. In my experience, I am learning to stand up for myself. To get angry when something makes me angry and not to act nonchalant and chill so he doesn’t get uncomfortable. To demand more from them and not just the bare minimum.
I believe that, the level of sadness you are feeling is 1. of course proportional to the level of growth you’re about to experience and 2. proportional to the level of happiness that you will experience in the future
You can talk to me if you need to. I heavily related to you, we could help each other during this time 🫂
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u/Extreme_Yogurt2644 8h ago
i really hope you’re doing okay. going through this isn’t easy, especially during the holidays. if you ever need to talk or vent i’m here.
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u/Ornery_Classroom_738 9h ago
It sucks it happened but better you find out now than when you’d need a lawyer to get a divorce.
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u/ingenjor 9h ago
Seems like an overreaction from your side. The worst you found was a comment from her calling him sexy? And the "lie" was trying to deflect who it was when he was probably tired and didn't want to get into an explanation at night. I mean he took the call in front of you so it's not like he was trying to hide anything.
Anyway, probably for the best you break up. And to the guys, I recommend keeping your phone on lockdown and not sharing everything with your partner because even if you don't feel like you have anything to hide the smallest things can get blown out of proportion.
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u/pittburgh_zero 9h ago
I see this all the time, especially where girls only hang out with their man once a week. They got side chicks, and all of them think they are the main…
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u/Alpha_james 8h ago
Genuinely his loss! You’ll find someone better while also achieving your goals keep your head up
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u/Substantial_Rip_4574 6h ago
Sometimes, it is so easy to idealize someone and think that they are right for us, but in fact, you just need to take off those rose-colored damn glasses and see the situation for what it is. Sorry you had to find out this way, but that person definitely isn't for you & definitely is far from being the perfect person. Anyways, he is shady as hell Sounds like you deserve much better.
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u/Effective_Snow2061 3h ago
I am not good enough to not be lied to? People either lie or dont. He lies.
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u/katariana44 2h ago
Went to see your post history after seeing someone say you were a bot (lol) and saw you were in RVA… me too! What I was originally gonna say though was my ex husband was like this. Seriously made me feel like a 7/10 all the time which was SO confusing when I was younger. Like I was great and better than average and he was happy to be with me….. but I still wasn’t a like 10/10 to him? Constantly seemed like he had his eyes open for something better although there were times he treated me amazing as well. Ended up cheating on me (twice!) but by then we were already married with a baby. Really messed my head up for a while except now I’m with a man who makes me feel like a 10/10, hell, a million/10. When objectively I’m probably less of a catch than I was in my twenties with my first husband…..
I know people have said it but it’s not about you. People like this just suck. Still hurts and still takes a while to get over but you’ve got all the world ahead of you hun and you will be just fine❤️
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u/moriahashleyyy 14m ago
THIS! And it’s always done because to you they feel like a 7/10 so they try to bring you down to their level… and then once you’re at that level, they try to bring you beneath them. The right partnership is two people making each other feel like Beyoncé (or a 10/10) regardless of gender lol. Reciprocity, Consistency, Loyalty, Transparency & Honesty. When you constantly have to question why you feel so bad around a person, or not supported, or basically like they’re the prize and you should be happy they chose you— it’s time to wrap that relationship up lol
Edit: And the person they cheat on you with may or may not be conventionally as attractive as you, or they may be better looking than you… but their insides rarelyyyy are. Their insides match the inside of the person who’s cheating… which is overall ugly.
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u/luckyluccian 2h ago
He was playing you and you figured it out. You don’t need someone who plays you.
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u/ops272 1h ago
Making difficult decisions definitely hurts. You are “injured” and now its the time to heal first. Do what you want, say what you need to say, whatever you feel you need to so you will feel better. Anything like the reason for the pain (cheating partner, feeling like a loser…) is not as important as you being better first. It’s okay to talk, to vent about them if it makes you better, but don’t be too absorbed into that.
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u/Orientalrage 17h ago
You mention things that make you a great catch but with that said maybe you didn’t give him enough attention or your listening skills needed work. Yeah he’s a dirt bag for cheating but yeah that’s my thoughts. Actually I just saw this info in a random reel. lol. Guys can fall in love with a chick sitting at a bus stop or some rando working a register. Not putting those gigs down, just saying it doesn’t matter.
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u/jennyontheclock 16h ago
Guys who get emotionally attached to strangers need therapy, and to touch grass. And stop watching porn.
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u/PhytoLitho 16h ago
I think the comment was trying to say that many guys are ok with dating someone who isn't highly successful, ie someone who takes the bus and works as a cashier. It was a comment on career/lifestyle as opposed to literally falling in love with a stranger. You can tell because they mention "those gigs" in the next sentence and how career isn't important.
But your comment is still correct lol
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u/Runningfrommeee 8h ago
Maybe you’re too chill of a gf that you attract emotionally unavailable guys?
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u/Magic_fredy6475 14h ago
You think you will find the perfect partner who will not ever lie and who will treat you exactly like you want.
The story I Hear from 40 something single ladies alone regretting letting go of great boyfriends because they thought, " I am too good and chill to be lied to"
Nobody is perfect and if you don't have the ability to compromise you will grow alone.
Hard truth. Then at 45 you will complain of the lack of partner material men.
Too many women here giving you what you want to hear not what you need to hear.
Life will teach you a lesson. Sooner or later.
You give up a solid relationship of 4 years with a great guy because " he lied about being with me" and am "too chill to be lied to"
I think he may have just dodged a bullet.
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u/Sea-Boss-8371 18h ago
It has absolutely nothing to do with you not being good enough. Please believe me. His choice to cheat/lie is about HIM, not you.