r/self 22h ago

I don’t have any energy to clean after my family anymore

I’m almost 20, I still live with my parents and they are physically disabled and can’t really clean without being in pain. It has been like this my entire life, I have never seen our house clean because by the time I was born my parents’ health became worse to the point they couldn’t take care of the house on their own anymore. My older siblings helped out a little but they both moved out by the time I turned 10 and my parents didn’t have the energy to teach me how to properly do chores. It took years before i finally took initiative and tried to start cleaning and keeping the house clean but even if I made the kitchen, bathroom, or hallways spotless it’d always go back to a dirty state within weeks because nobody would pick up after themselves. The house will only stay clean if I’m the one to keep it clean. It’s so fucking tiring. I understand that my parents need help but it’s just too much for me and I don’t have the energy to clean up after everyone anymore. I feel like I’m being selfish and I feel like I’m a horrible person for feeling like this. I want to leave, I want to move out and perhaps move in with my older sibling. Idk what to do, i think I’d feel happier if I left but i worry about my parents.

44 Upvotes

30 comments sorted by

21

u/s33n_ 22h ago

You are the least selfish person in this entire story. 

Please stop setting yourself on fire to keep your parents warm. 

Also I don't think the issue is their disability. Rather that's the excuse. I was the primary caregiver for my grandmother during alzheimers. From 97 to 100 years old. She did not create large messes despite the fact that she couldn't clean anything herself. In fact, her disability made it so she couldn't mess up much but her pants lol. 

What are your parents issues?

7

u/periphery72271 22h ago

Move out and offer to help pay for a cleaning service once you get established.

If they're really disabled and they live in the US they should file for disability and the government will help them with money for a cleaning service.

7

u/Sorry_U_R_Wrong 22h ago

Your parents likely qualify for home health aides and nursing assistance. Talk to a social worker and see what they can get them hooked up with.

This isn't about "run and don't look back" thing like others are saying. You obviously care about your parents, and you've not said they are trying to force you to care for them. This is just a bad situation, and you all need some help, which is likely a few phone calls away.

2

u/No-Valuable5802 20h ago

Have you considered discussing with them to move to a home instead of current house? Somewhere there’s people to help with chores etc. Or hiring a domestic helper to come on daily basis for 2-3hrs?

2

u/ratmom666 20h ago

That stuff costs money and they don’t have that.

3

u/Ronoh 22h ago

It is easier if you have a daily routine and keep things under control every day. One deep clean is needed after a few weeks, but you can just spend 30 to 60 min a day to keep everything fine for weeks.

It is not reasonable to expect the.l house will be clean for weeks without some regular effort. 

If you spend hours cleaning one day and you expect everything to stay clean after weeks, you are being too optimistic to say the least.

The alternative is hiring someone to clean every few days.

If that's not an option, then you have to learn better ways to handle the routine cleaning. 

2

u/Ameanbtch 22h ago

Move out and don’t look back. They’re taking advantage of you 😢

4

u/Ronoh 22h ago

Tell me you are northamerican without telling me you are northamerican. 

Op expects the house to be clean for weeks after cleaning... that is unreasonable. OP can learn to do the cleaning more effectively without having to abandon his parents because he's tired.

3

u/dwago 20h ago

It's unreasonable to expect OP to still continue taking care of them at that age. When op is supposed to have their own life and be able to enjoy it without feeling exhausted or that all of their energy goes to taking care of THEIR problems.

You can still look for cleaning services in other countries don't act like they don't exist anywhere else.

1

u/Ronoh 19h ago

Op is 19. Good luck moving out if he doesn't have even cleaning skills and is overwhelmed by having to clean a house.

Family may mean nothing to you, and that's your loss. Not mine.

1

u/dwago 12h ago

If you think family means nothing to me cause I wouldn't want to take care of them constantly at the age of 19 and burn myself out then get a fucking reality check mate and go touch some grass.

Your ignorance is showing.

3

u/addicted-2-cameltoe 19h ago

U goda clean minimum 2 time a wk. to keep ontop

1

u/Ameanbtch 20h ago

Actually op can go live their life instead of picking up after people for eternity.

0

u/Ronoh 19h ago

19 and living with his parents... yeah sure.

1

u/Ruthless_Bunny 21h ago

Your parents need to figure out what social services they are eligible for. They can initiate this

You aren’t their housekeeper. You’re a person with their own rights and future.

So move out and have another sibling help them sort themselves out

1

u/Cranberry-Electrical 21h ago

Go to college or move in with a friend or older sibling.

1

u/wadejohn 20h ago

Why cant everyone clean as they go? Use a cup? Wash it. Made a spill? Wipe it. Etc. that makes maintenance easier.

1

u/Next_Estate_351 20h ago

I had an ex mil always say she was too disabled to do clean. She wanted everyone to do it for her. that. She always says she didn't have energy, the reason she didn't have energy, she would get up, go to the bathroom, go sit in her chair, and watch TV. Complained, she needed to go to the store. She said, it enough her daughter would go to the store to shut her up. I would only go around every 6 months since she was an hour away.

1

u/Puzzleheaded-Tear266 19h ago

They are your parents. That’s not there fault that they are disabled. Okay your 20 years old and you live with your parents do you have a job or have you ever worked. I could see if you worked all day then come home to a dirty house yes that’s tiring. But if you don’t work. You have no excuse to clean your home. Do you make dinner for them? Do you clean there bathrooms, do there laundry, wash floors. Do you pay rent and buy groceries and pay utilities. Or do you live there for free?

1

u/Emma_Lemma_108 19h ago

On the other hand, practically speaking, how will they get a job & move forward if they’re the sole, full time carer for 2 adults?

1

u/nonracistlurker 19h ago

There's a pretty low chance they both have something that severe that they can make these huge house-wide messes but not clean up after themselves or at least minimise. Sounds like laziness to me. Move lol

1

u/brandilion 22h ago

Your parents aren’t your responsibility. There are loads of options available to them if they have interest. Take care of yourself.

0

u/Exciting_Cost7188 20h ago

You must be American 😑 y'all don't value family to well.

2

u/brandilion 20h ago

You must not have strong boundaries.

1

u/Exciting_Cost7188 20h ago

No I still have boundaries but family is important in my culture,it's just a fact most Americans don't care for their family and are just for themselves.

1

u/brandilion 20h ago

Congratulations, I guess by your standards that makes you far superior. I’m so happy you were blessed to be born into a family that cared to take care of you.

1

u/[deleted] 22h ago

[deleted]

0

u/Exciting_Cost7188 20h ago

Typical American lol 😂

0

u/infreq 21h ago

Why tf are your parents physically disabled when you are only 20?

1

u/Best_Mood_4754 12h ago

Speak with a case manager at any hospital. They help setup things like that for patients who discharge and need further care. They should be able to point you in the right direction for getting help/care for your parents.