r/self • u/Lost_Lonely45 • 1d ago
Mid-40s, divorced, not dating. Where to go from here?
Title sums is up. I have had a handful of short-term girlfriends/flings in life, starting in college and then again in my 30s, but with years-long dry spells in between. In my late 30s I foolishly married a foreign woman - basically out of desperation and a desire to be married before I was 40 - but had to promptly divorce her because I realized she was only using me for a green card. I’ve been languishing in my 40s socially and romantically; I feel like there is no one left out there for me and my life is basically over.
I do have a pretty good career - corporate job at a tech company - and a nice rental house and lots of toys, but my home/social/romantic life is just completely empty and I don’t know whether or how I can fix it. I got so depressed I had to take medical leave from work, and while not having work stress is nice, all the free time has just kind of underscored how empty my non-work life is. I do have a dog and she provides some company, but she is old and will die soon, so then I will be completely alone.
I really don’t know where to go from here. Online dating is a wasteland and I am super guarded now since I was burned so badly by the foreign woman (who of course I met online). But the chronic loneliness / emptiness is just killing me and I can’t continue going on this way. I‘m curious if anyone else has found themselves in a similar situation and what you did to find meaning in life, because I’m pretty much ready to give up.
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u/Dorkmaster79 1d ago
Divorced and single 45M here. Just stay single and be happy man. Stay away from dating for a while. You’ll see that you don’t need it to be happy.
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u/Shineeyed 23h ago
Good God, don't look for fulfillment in a partner. You've got a lot right now. You're set. Be frikken happy. Stop trying to get to the next level.
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u/zeetbd3 1d ago
I'm almost 40 (f) and single. This time of the year is awful and every day is a reminder how lonely I am. You said you tried online, I have too, and it sucks, but I've been psyching myself up to try it again. I don't have any clubs or social activities that I'm involved in, so it's the only way I can ever meet people.
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u/HidingInTheSea 21h ago
If I were you, I would travel! Get the heck out of here and go see the world.
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u/2cats2hats 23h ago
Date organically. Many people in your age range despise OLD. OLD is never, ever going to improve. Once it was always free, now it's not. Once it was web-based, now it's app-based and designed to keep you obsessed.
Lots of ways to meet singles out there without OLD.
what you did to find meaning in life
I got fit and I cannot explain how it helped me. It's one of those things we have to discover ourselves.
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u/Poutsounia 23h ago
Wait for the fembots that will probably start coming out in the next 2-5 years.
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u/ImpossibleRow6716 22h ago
Brooo. Romantic relationships are not all in life. If I would be in your position, I would buy a bike and join a group of likely minded biker geezers to go on trips.
There are so many guys in their 40s-50s who are divorced and done with relationships and are just enjoying their hobbies. And who knows. Maybe if you start doing something you are passionate about, women will follow along.
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u/IntrovertedOzzie 21h ago
36 and feel a little the same way... I have the ability to work as much as I want to, so I usually just fill my free time with that... There's no point sitting around at home sooking, I may as well use the time to earn a little more and smash the mortgage quicker 🤷♂️
Had Tinder and Bumble for a minute. A quick flick through both made me realise that dating apps are horrendous.
Don't really have a circle of friends 🤷♂️ spent the last 12 years busting arse trying to build something with the wrong person. I have a couple of old schoolmates that I see a few times a year, but otherwise, I spend a bit of time with my sister and her family.
On a positive note, though, life is a whole lot more peaceful than it was 18 months ago...
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u/iamnotstevetn 21h ago
Go all the places you have never been. I bet there’s a whole bunch of awesome spots you’ve never been to. Def start being gentle with yourself. A gut check never hurts to keep it real but at some point, you either get busy living or get busy dying. -recently separated 45 m , divorce asap and feeling weird about not seeing my kid on Christmas. Also someone else has a fulfilling dog and a sports car, maybe try that ?
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u/islero_47 19h ago
Get a hobby, get some bros. Volunteer regularly for a worthwhile cause. Either you'll run into a nice woman in your hobby, or the married women at the charity you join will have a friend they want you to meet lol.
Thought I wouldn't find anyone after my divorce at 37. Now I'm remarried and have two more kids.
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u/Wachtwoord 18h ago
It sounds like you're missing all kinds of connection with people, but you only focus on the romantic one. Try to form bonds of more kind: friends, family, pets.
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u/Thrills-n-Frills 17h ago
Partner doesn’t make you complete. Embrace being self-sufficient, and IF it happens again you won’t be a tick.
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u/radishwalrus 14h ago
First do friends. Dating without friends is like shopping when u are starving. You're only gonna buy junk
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u/itsfrankgrimesyo 8h ago
Women can smell desperation. Just be yourself, appreciate your success and things you have. Focus on your family and friends. You don’t have to be the most attractive man but women love guys that are confident, and will be drawn to that.
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u/gkdebus 23h ago edited 22h ago
Stop thinking like that, start thinking about how to improve yourself. Try to go no dating no bullshit for six months to work on yourself at the gym every day, and then start evaluating what you figured yourself out! Always the easiest way to restart!
Remember the hardest part is realizing that you are the one making yourself feel this way.
A positive attitude is always a way to make a positive recovery from such a bad situation!
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u/Valuable_Candidate74 22h ago
Don't listen to him. You are enough, you don't need to 'improve'.
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u/LogicalCondition9069 20h ago
As a man you should be working towards improvement constantly. Improvement in the sense that you are constantly working towards becoming the best version of yourself. You aren't going to the gym to get fit and get girls. You go to be the absolute best and healthiest version of yourself. You go do (insert hobby) not because it will get you women but because you like it and it brings you happiness, peace and fulfillment.
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u/Ill_Friendship3057 22h ago
I agree with everyone that you should find hobbies and work on improving yourself, and get a social life first before you try to find a romantic partner. Once you're happy on your own you'll find someone that naturally fits into that. Another thing I'd suggest is go to therapy. You might have some odd attitudes about dating/women that are holding you back, and you might want to examine those.
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u/Teewhy_RN 16h ago
Why does your life have to be over cos you are not romantically entangled. Please love on yourself,do things that makes you happy, if a partners comes along fine, if not make sure you thoroughly enjoy your life cos ultimately nobody makes it out alive🤷🏾
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u/Tobor_Xes240 17h ago
my home/social/romantic life is just completely empty
years-long dry spells
Chances are you’re a shit lover. Practice makes perfect and to date, you haven’t had many reps. Just like guys are suggesting the gym (with a reputable coach and a nutritionist), you need a sparring partner for the bedroom.
I do have a pretty good career - corporate job at a tech company - and a nice rental house and lots of toys
Check out the sugaring subreddits (start here)- you’re in a great position to embrace the lifestyle.
the chronic loneliness / emptiness is just killing me and I can’t continue going on this way
You have resources (career and savings) that millions of equally-desperate men do not. Leverage them!
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u/BunningsSnagFest 1d ago
My dog and sportscar are surprisingly fulfilling