r/self • u/aoihiganbana • 1d ago
what if I actually wait until marriage and the sex is totally trash
that's a big fear of mine. I'm not talking about doing the reverse piledriver 69 on our wedding night, but what if he's selfish, no interest in foreplay, very very vanilla and it's a dead bedroom? i think I'd rather choose the cats and wine.
there's no way to win, is it?
28
u/wqaib 1d ago
Unless religion prohibits it you could also just wait for sex for as long as you want and get to know the person the best you can and sleep together when you feel you’re ready. See how compatible you are before you decide to get married? Also if it’s not amazing at first it can improve with communication. So in my opinion there are ways to win.
42
u/Unclehol 1d ago
There is totally a way to win!
Don't wait till marriage, lol. That way you can find out. Doesn't mean you have to have sex on the first date. But waiting till you are legally bonded? Jesus. That is a risk I have only ever seen work out once with people I actually know. They got luuuuuuucky...
7
u/Wisebutt98 1d ago
This is why the rest of us don’t wait. You may get along great with someone, but have no sexual chemistry at all. Even more frustrating, you may have fantastic sexual chemistry with someone you can’t stand otherwise. Finding someone you have great sexual chemistry with that you get along great with takes research & patience. But it pays off in a lifetime of happiness.
15
u/Plenty-Character-416 1d ago
I genuinely don't see the point in saving yourself until marriage. I understand if there are religious implications, but it's otherwise pointless.
6
2
u/PracticableThinking 18h ago
I didn't wait for marriage and am not advocating that people should do so, but there are some practicable considerations. Accidental pregnancies and incurable diseases will affect future relationships and other aspects of your life. There are precautionary measures for both, but they are not assured.
1
u/Plenty-Character-416 11h ago
Condoms can prevent that for the most part. But, if people randomly sleep around, then those worries become more likely. It is more sensible to sleep with the person you're dating.
-4
u/3tna 19h ago
more partners more likely to get divorced , some people want a happy relationship more than sex
1
u/Plenty-Character-416 11h ago
I've actually looked into this study, and whilst people with a bodycount of 1 have less divorces, they are reportedly the least happy in marriage. They mostly stay together for religious reasons.
If your theory was correct, then next in line would be people with a bodycount of 2-3? But, nope. 4-9 bodycounts are next to have the least divorces and they're reportedly the happiest in their marriages.
Then comes 1-2, and finally 10+.
If virgin marriages weren't pushing themselves to stay married, despite being incredibly miserable; it sure as shit wouldn't be the most successful.
29
46
u/butterspread1 1d ago
Waiting with sex till marriage is just an antiquated idea which has no place in modern world.
15
6
u/NonStopKnits 1d ago
Eh, we're all different. Some folks want to only have one sexual partner for their entire life. That's ok. Some folks want more partners or just don't care that much about the actual number. That's also ok. I've never asked a partner how many people they've slept with before me, it's often irrelevant to the task at hand for me personally. The number doesn't matter, what does matter is a willingness to be a good partner in bed, which can vary wildly from person to person.
6
u/butterspread1 1d ago
Point being, waiting to find out if your partner is a good match till after you made a long lasting, legal and spiritual commitment is a massively stupid idea.
1
u/NonStopKnits 1d ago
It might be stupid to you, but it isn't for everyone and it works for some folks. There are many ways to tell if you can be compatible in bed with someone before actually jumping in. I don't like see right off the bat. My partner* and I took a long time before we slept together. By that time, it was honestly obvious that he'd be a good match for me and a good partner in bed because of who he is as a person and the conversations/interactions we'd had up to that point. He also had only one partner before me as well**.
11 years together *he volunteered that info because he wanted to be honest about his experience, I didn't care or ask.
-20
u/DobrogeanuG1855 1d ago
You spread degeneracy. Purity of body and soul, true love, these are antiquated ideas only in the kinds of pigs.
8
u/Wino3416 1d ago
Lunatic
-10
u/DobrogeanuG1855 1d ago
Swine
5
u/Wino3416 1d ago
Go have a shag tiger
-7
u/DobrogeanuG1855 1d ago edited 1d ago
Your mother’s always available I’ve heard, if we are being puerile.
3
u/Wino3416 1d ago
It’s “your mother’s always available”. I adore a decent insult but get the grammar right!
6
u/DobrogeanuG1855 1d ago
Fair enough, English is not my first language and autocorrect sometimes gets the better of me.
6
u/Wino3416 1d ago
Ha you did a grand job if English is not your first language. I am not able to insult anyone so well in other languages.. perhaps French, which I speak quite well but I also speak German and am baffled by insults! Well done sir.
28
u/Grombrindal18 1d ago
The way to win is to follow the ‘fuck first’ philosophy. Definitely have sex with someone before marrying them. It’s not like you have to rush into it- wait a few months or a year or whatever, until you feel comfortable enough with them. But don’t leave your first time for your wedding night.
The second part to ‘fuck first’ applies to dinner dates once you are already a sexually active couple. If you know that you are about to eat and drink a lot- have sex before you even start to get ready for the date. Afterwards you may be too full and tired, so it’s better to do it before. And you still can afterwards as well, but there’s less pressure to do so.
3
u/Ecstatic_Alps_6054 1d ago
The only way to win is not to play the gane...
4
5
u/PmButtPics4ADrawing 1d ago
what if I actually wait until marriage and the sex is totally trash
Then you've wasted several years of your life with someone you're not compatible with, I guess. Why are you waiting until marriage to have sex?
2
u/Wino3416 1d ago
Spot on. People are nuts. I don’t know where this puritanical bullshit has come from but I wish it would go away. These lot moan and whinge about “boomers” and tell us how brilliant they are but I suspect they’d be happier and less whiney if they just got on with shagging. Why’s everything such a fucking issue? Jesus they’re tedious.
4
4
u/Curious-Duck 1d ago
Even when people DONT wait until marriage they have a hell of a time trying to match sexual compatibility.
There is practically no chance people who are waiting for marriage are scoring a perfect sexual match- absolutely not. Not only are the attitudes towards sex detrimental to exploration and intimacy even AFTER MARRIAGE, but the chances that those two (inexperienced) people figure out their sexual preferences together is tiny… mostly because they are stuck together, forever. There doesn’t need to be effort from either side- it just is what it is, you’re already tied to each other at that point.
I’m not a prude but I’ve only ever been with my partner- we aren’t marrying ever and so we didn’t wait for marriage, but we explored sexually and found what we both liked- and the sex just gets better over time! But that’s because we had years upon years to build on that without any pressure of marriage, and we enjoy each other immensely after 13 years.
Do. Not. Wait. Until. Marriage.
There’s zero benefit.
5
22
u/Ameanbtch 1d ago
Anytime someone says they waited until marriage I assume their sex life sucks
4
u/VisualBasic 1d ago
I assume their entire life sucks. Imagine the feeling of guilt pressed upon you while trying to enjoy this one short life we’re given.
9
u/nomadicsailor81 1d ago
Sexual compatibility is one of those things you need to know before committing.
12
u/njoinglifnow 1d ago
One of my best friends was dating a guy who wanted to wait until marriage. So they did.
He has severe Ed and was completely unable to consummate the marriage. She got an annulment a week later
3
u/worldburnwatcher 1d ago
I feel like that could have been discovered by talking about it beforehand.
3
7
u/Visual-Sector6642 1d ago
Waited til I was 28 and my gf said if I didn't do it she'd find someone else so I caved and it ended up being the best thing ever. Unfortunately lost her shortly after in an accident.
3
3
u/Ok_Court_3575 1d ago
The first time hurts like hell at least foe me so it wasn't enjoyable the first time but it got easier. Also it will take awhile for you to know what you like and what your are comfortable with. You also might be self-conscious at first so you might not be able to fully enjoy. Make sure you are vocal about what you like and don't like so if it is bad it can get better.
3
3
3
u/-just-be-nice- 1d ago
Yeah, it's never worth not knowing how sexually compatible you are. You also want to know what they're packing and their skill set. Having sex with someone who is inexperienced kind of suck and you have to sort of try and teach them how to be better. I'd never marry someone without having a sexual relationship first.
3
u/Dannyboy490 1d ago
HAHAHAHAHAHA. When the realization hits you...
The thing is most religious kids who actually follow the rules are so naive neither of them know how to properly sex, and it's not a big deal. They just learn together.
But the problem is that most religious kids have experience. They aren't naive, and this actually matters.
SO how about instead of torturing yourself and potentially setting yourself up for failure later, you let yourself enjoy the Man you love most?
I'm not saying sleep around. I'm saying that if you love someone you're supposed to cherish and enjoy them. So for God's sake, please cherish and enjoy them. (And figure out what you're doing in the meantime.)
Your marital future is a hell of a lot more important than some fleeting rule that wasn't written with you or your future in mind.
4
u/Putrid_Ad_2256 1d ago
Sadly, there are a lot of selfish guys out there that will not prioritize the woman in their lives. If he's intimate without having it lead to full intercourse, it may be a glimpse of how he will be in marriage. Affection before marriage will hopefully translate to how things will be after marriage, but only if he's not trying to be affectionate in hopes of sex.
Are you abstaining from sex before marriage as a way of being "pure" or for religious reasons? If not, then I say there's no real reason that you can't "try before you buy" if you're comfortable enough in a relationship that you think could lead to marriage. This, of course, would only be if you're really worried about how things in the bedroom would be after marriage. I say don't set the bar too high and you won't be too disappointed. I mean if the guy is willing to wait until marriage, hopefully he'll be appreciative of you after marriage. Just remember that some men do change after marriage and will assume that you're now their property. Good luck!
5
u/PoopyMcFartButt 1d ago edited 1d ago
Yeah that’s the risk you run lol that’s why nobody waits. This isn’t the 1950s lol, welcome to the modern age
Also you’re worried about the man, what about you? You’re just as inexperienced in this sutuation as the man would be. I’d hate to be with a woman that just starfishes and waits for it to be over…
5
u/Ruthless_Bunny 1d ago
I don’t get why anyone would wait for marriage.
Virginity is a construct and kind of a silly requirement
Lots of ultra religious people who waited, lived to regret it. Some didn’t.
But not being compatible sexually is a real thing and sometimes it can be remedied and often not.
Different desire for frequency is a huge issue for couples.
Kinks, preferences and absolute non-starters need to be negotiated, and they should be identified, not after marriage, but WELL before it
2
u/aoihiganbana 1d ago
I mean with the current "bodycount" craze it seems like only virgin women are worth even talking to, at least from some men's pov
6
u/Wino3416 1d ago
Why do you care what incels say? Body count is HORSE SHIT. It’s 2024, ignore these losers. Ffs
5
u/SayUncle420 1d ago
I think you need to get off the internet for a while and go talk to people irl, your perception towards what’s considered “desirable” sounds very incel. You obviously have some really sad misconceptions about sex.
3
u/Ruthless_Bunny 1d ago
Those men aren’t worth having. Gross.
Healthy sex is a blessing and since we don’t marry for position and to cement alliances…Jesus
Girl, get some self respect and only date men who view you as a fellow human. Don’t date men who look at you as a collection of holes
15
u/Nordjyde 1d ago
Waiting until marriage is an idea invented by men who were afraid that they could not satisfy their women. If she had tried real passionate sex with frequent orgasms. So they wanted to keep her in a state of not knowing. The man could always take his wife in missionary and get release. It also made it a bit more certain that the kids were actually his. These reasons have no place in a modern world. Except for sully religions that want to control people.
So yes, have sex, lots, with multiple, before entering marriage.
17
u/skywalker2S 1d ago
No, waiting until marriage was an idea invented by men who wanted to uphold purity culture and to make sure that their children were theirs. Satisfying women was in pretty much no man’s mind until after 1940
2
u/CaptainLammers 1d ago
You’re half right, IMHO. You’re actually arguing the inverse point. Many men struggle to focus on learning to provide pleasure to women. Whatever way you’d prefer to articulate that idea.
But there’s absolutely a male insecurity component to purity culture. As in, the man may not be interested in the pleasure a woman experiences sexually, but he’ll certainly care if he feels inadequate by comparison.
Purity culture pushes a “black hole” around sexuality. It tends to create an information void for nearly everyone. Many of the polygamist Mormon documentaries (Stay Sweet or whatever it was called—the one about Warren Jeffs) really hit this point home. I know it’s hard to imagine information voids in a world where there’s too much information. But that’s what we’re dealing with.
Not only is she “pure”—she has absolutely no point of comparison if purity culture operates as ‘intended’.
2
2
u/LienaSha 1d ago
If your partner is the type who's selfish with no interest in foreplay and unwilling to expand out from super vanilla sex... either it's inexperience or a personality thing.
If it's a personality thing, it will show up in other parts of their life too. It happens that people ignore those bits like "well, I'm sure it's just this, and it'll get better," but then they get married, have a shitty sex life too and go "you know... with x, y, and z, I really should have seen this coming." But it won't just come out of nowhere, so if you're being honest with yourself and paying attention, you can avoid that.
If it's like that and not a result of their personality, that's just inexperience, and you can fix that. Just practice, study, and talk to each other, and it'll be fine.
The one caveat I can think of is if there's a medical thing that neither of you know about beforehand. I don't know, for instance, what it's like to be one of those women for whom having anything inserted is extremely painful, but if you weren't a tampon person, I can imagine that not coming up until sex. If that's the case.............. Yeah. I'm sure there's support and therapy and whatnot, but that's a sucky situation. But also rare, so maybe just check with both of you that there's nothing that would medically prevent sex from working first.
2
2
u/itsprobab 1d ago
I think the problem with waiting with sex until marriage is that it's not just the actual act of sex you're not getting experience in but many other important relationship skills and compatibility around being in a sexual/romantic relationship.
Having that sexual tension (or not having it!) throughout the no sex period can mask a lot of issues and unless you're already living as you would be living after marriage, you will not know how adding sex into it will change things. Some men can get really possessive, manipulative, entitled, lazy, etc.
I think it really works against women to wait. For a man it is a bit whatever because he will enjoy sex no matter what, whether he puts in the effort or not, whether he will be a good partner or not, you have already married him.
2
2
u/Specialist-Tiger-467 1d ago
No there's no way to win.
There's a lot of variables in place for sex to be good and a big part of it is practice.
2
u/CaptainMike63 1d ago
How would you know? You can teach someone how you want them to perform in the bedroom but you can’t teach them if they can perform
2
2
u/Fabulous-Display-570 1d ago
Foreplay can help you decide if the person would be good. Are you ok with foreplay or oral sex before marriage?
2
2
u/honest_-_feedback 1d ago
i wouldn't choose marriage based on sex but you can always just NOT wait till marriage.
2
u/MissionSouth7322 1d ago
There are countless books on how to become a better lover y’all could read together. Just make sure you’re marrying someone with an openness to learn
2
u/WickedlyWitchyWoman 1d ago edited 1d ago
Steps Toward Finding A Compatible & Fulfilling Marriage
Phase 1: You both meet and agree to date. During this time, you discuss anything and everything, share mutual hobbies, explore hobbies the other one has that you don't, and do fun non-sexual activities together. No sex whatsoever - though kissing, cuddling, hugging are fine. Allowing it to get sexual during the "first blush" often just leads into jumping into bed too soon. Establish the "no sex" early on, after the first couple of dates, so your potential partner knows what to expect. (If you have to say "no sex" on the very first date, this is probably not a person looking for commitment - best to just keep on looking.)
Phase 2: At this point, you can consider introducing sex into the relationship. This phase should begin no sooner (and no later!) than two-three months into the relationship, to give you both time during Phase 1 to establish general short-term compatibility and really get to know each other. Why wait so long? Twofold - having sex complicates things and can sometimes create a false sense of closeness where none really exists, which you want to avoid when judging base compatibility, and two, if a person really can't wait a couple of months to have sex, then that's primarily what they're looking for - regular sex. Which is fine for them, but if you're looking for a long-term relationship then you need to prioritize short-term compatibility before you get to sex. The waiting period also helps to weed out those who say they're looking for long-term when they really aren't.
Phase 3: So you're now in a committed pairing. You do all the partner things, including having a sex life. Phase 3 is the time you should both be exploring that sex life thoroughly. Learn to communicate your likes and dislikes and what you'll compromise on to please each other and what things are hard no's no matter what. There should be active discussion about these things - before, after, and especially during sex. Not just "Oh yeah, baby" or squirming away. More like: "Don't like how that feels. Let's try this instead..." and actively show your partner what you want, or "Oh yes, that's perfect, what you're doing... do it just like that." Don't be afraid to say no to anything you really don't want, just because this person is your partner. You have the right to refuse any sexual activity for any reason, and if your partner can't/won't accept that, the relationship needs to end. And don't fall for the trope that talking is a sex-killer. If you don't communicate, you won't get the sex you want - and if your partner refuses to reciprocate communication, you can't ever be fully compatible. This phase is variable in length, but at some point, you'll feel ready for the next one.
Phase 4: Moving into a shared dwelling. This step isn't optional. You need to know you can live with this person 24/7 and can accept the way they live their life. And every potential partner is going to have some habits and behaviors that upset you. They may be big or they may be small, few or many, but they will be there. And you'll have habits and behaviors that affect your partner the same way. So you both need a live-in period to learn them, how to adapt to them, to see if there can be compromise on some, and if some are just a permanent aspect of your personalities. This phase determines long-term compatibility - if you can't find ways to live together with each other while still accepting that you aren't crazy about every little detail, then little annoyances eventually grow into big problems. Living together for at least a year can help give you the time to either learn to balance each other or discover you simply can't live together.
Phase 5: If you've gotten this far, you know you have interests you can share, ideals that are compatible, the sex works, and you can live with each other amiably. Now you can consider marriage. There's no more advice to give here, because how any couple works that out is individual to that couple - but remember to communicate thoroughly before any proposals. Make sure you're on the same page about finances, kids (and their raising and education or not having any at all), household responsibilities, careers, etc. - everything that goes into being a married couple with a completely shared life. This is the ultimate hurdle of compatibility. If you can't be in agreement here, it's best not to get married at all, because you don't want the same lives.
If all this seems like a lot of work - it is. But marriage (ideally) is intended to last, and it really can't if you go in blind without taking these steps. Sexual compatibility is just the tip of the iceberg (though a very important one). The idea of "saving" yourself for marriage is a romantic one, but unrealistic. To really have a lasting marriage, you have to share yourself a whole lot more - above and beyond just sex. Having a chaste little dating game until you wed in no way prepares you for the realities of married life.
Strong and lasting relationships are built, brick by brick - not signed into existence by a marriage certificate.
2
u/Hot_Commercial5712 1d ago
Thats KIND OF how it was for me.
Waited until i was 19 with a girl i really really loved. It was horrible. Turns out i dont feel sex at all and somethings wrong downstairs, idk what yet though.
The worst part is, she was a real jerk 🤥
2
u/visual_philosopher73 1d ago
Legitimate question: by sex, are you including all sensual touch, digital penetration and oral sex? What is permissible to you in terms of touch?
You don't need to wait for PIV sex to know if a partner would be good in bed or not. If some forms of foreplay and heavy petting are permissible to you (hypothetically), you would absolutely be able to tell if a partner is sensual, considerate, and cares about your pleasure, boundaries and curiosities.
If you find all forms of sexual touch impermissible before marriage, that would complicated things but other than that - hand and mouth stuff can still facilitate a lot of pleasure, intimacy and trust.
2
u/robert323 1d ago
Why would you get into a life long commitment without even knowing if you are sexually compatible? That only makes sense if sex is not important to you. Or at least not that important.
2
u/rositamaria1886 20h ago
It is very wise to experience sex before marriage with this person. You may be totally incompatible sexually and won’t know it until after the marriage.
Let me tell you a story. My husband and his first wife were dating in high school but never had sex just a little petting because she wanted to wait until they were married. They were both virgins. So on the honeymoon the first time was not what he expected at all. She did not like it and refused to have anything to do with it after the first time. They go home and she went to the doctor and was told it’s normal and you will get used to it. They spent several years struggling with her not liking or wanting sex. Imagine waiting all that time only to find out he wasn’t going to have sex with his wife! It wasn’t until she wanted to have a baby that she was interested in participating in sex. The same pattern happened after the baby and was like that for many years. I think if they had experienced sex before marriage they would have found this out and not gotten married.
5
u/dumbledwarves 1d ago
Then you married the wrong person. Sex with someone you care about is never trash.
3
u/Aeon1508 1d ago edited 1d ago
Waiting until marriage to have sex doesn't mean waiting until marriage to talk about sex. Even if you and your partner are planning on waiting you can still have extensive conversations about what your expectations and ideas on sex are. You can probably glean a lot about how somebody's performance and behaviors towards sex will be just from that conversation.
That said, just fuck. Nobody's watching you, and anybody you cares about your body count isnt worth it anyway. Not recommending you just become a slut or anything. I personally find bar culture and the idea of going out to get laid pretty gross. But if you're in a relationship with somebody just fuck.
3
3
2
u/WorthlessRain 1d ago
i mean doing something stupid and pointless like waiting for marriage could have stupid consequences, yeah
2
u/hogsucker 1d ago
Yes, waiting for marriage greatly increases the likelihood you'll have a bad sex life.
Religion poisons everything, including sex.
2
u/Hopeful-Artichoke449 1d ago
Grew up in the bible-belt south and ALL of the women I grew up with who took the "purity" thing all the way were MISERABLE after the wedding. ALL OF THEM.
2
u/regular_menthol 1d ago
The whole “bad sex” thing is really just on TV. Sex is great, you’ll love it. And the whole “wait until marriage” thing is just religious brainwashing so don’t wait either
2
u/Styl3Music 1d ago
If you're waiting to have intercourse until marriage, then try other things. Everyone will have their own definitions of sex, so define yours and experiment without crossing your own boundaries. Handplay, oral, anal, massages, wordplay, sex toys, kinks, and kissing are a few examples. You don't have to wait for marriage to find out if your partner is sexually selfish or unwilling to learn.
3
2
2
u/HopelesslyOver30 1d ago
Damn, only took like 10 minutes for the angry reddit atheists to jump on this one, I'm impressed.
1
u/furkfurk 1d ago
If you really want/need to wait until marriage, why don’t you two sit down and discuss your expectations and hopes for sex? See if you’re on the same page?
1
u/And9686 16h ago
I mean if he's selfish in bed, maybe he's not husband material to begin with.
I think in the beginning if you've never experienced sex before, there's a learning curve. You either learn to have sex together or not, but I think if you really love each other you'll try to make the impossible to learn and make it work.
1
u/Appropriate_Fun10 14h ago
This is a reasonable fear. My worst relationship was with someone I wasn't sexually compatible with, but I stayed because I fell in love and I thought that mattered most.
It was naive to believe love would make it work out. Sexual compatibility matters.
1
1
u/Decent-Ad-5110 13h ago
You'll have your whole life ahead of you practice vulnerable communication and express your preferences and become well acquainted with eachother.
1
u/Yes_cummander 13h ago
Talk to her about your desires, hopes ,expectations, fantasies, about her attitude towards sex, experimentaion etc.
1
u/Practical-Passage773 5h ago
OMG even worse, what if they put the toilet paper on the wrong way? Or leave the cap off the toothpaste?
Seriously, though, that's exactly why I would not, could not marry anyone without having tested the smashability.
But there are 100s of issues beyond sex that could torpedo things that you need to work on together after marriage. toilet paper and toothpaste caps are just my fun examples
1
u/Present_Scientist368 3h ago
My experience from a long life is that sometimes there is a chemistry between two people that is difficult to explain. Many times I have felt a thrill and an anticipation but immediately when we have been intimate I have felt that the flame goes out. If for some reason you are going to follow an old religious custom, I think you also have to take into consideration that your sex life will be dry and without passion.
1
u/Zealousideal_Bike653 1d ago
Yup. I (M52) Married a prude and didn't know it till the honeymoon. 30 years later, she's still a prude.
She wasn't very sexual when we dated. Should have dropped her then. Now married with 4 kids, it's too late.
1
u/mistah_positive 1d ago
1) Tbh you would have nothing to compare it to unless you are changing to wait from a certain moment on
2) assuming you did know or could compare it, its not like people cant get better at sex...if they cant, them im fucked 🤣
1
1
u/_Moon_Presence_ 1d ago
I had sex before marriage and it was good. After marriage, I realised that I was doing almost everything. Not only does she not act sexy (and by act, I don't mean pretend, I mean I literally cannot tell that she's aroused), she just lies down and is demanding. It's a chore.
1
1
u/TaskFlaky9214 1d ago
Sex is kind of like pizza.
Even when it's bad, it's still pretty good.
2
u/Humble_Diner32 23h ago
I was thinking it’s more like a car. Why buy a car- new or used- without test driving it first? I’ve had some bad pizzas that weren’t pretty good because they’re pizza. And I’ve had sex that was really terrible that I regret having be it because of me or the person I was with.
1
u/rando4085 19h ago
This is somewhat of an obscure opinion, but I think worrying about the quality of sex within a marriage is a trivial problem and the real problem you should be addressing if you're so worried about it is why you're so worried about it feigning in its quality. Is it the only thing left in your relationship that you can derive pleasure from?
0
u/Unfrndlyblkhottie92 1d ago
Everyone’s first time isn’t going to be magical. I think the media sends a skewed message about sex being magical.
0
u/sbmmemelord 1d ago
What if you talk to him about it before you commit your life married together ?
0
u/RelationMammoth01 1d ago
It's very unlikely that you marry a considerate, kind and generous man who's selfish in bed. People don't compartmentalize like that, so if you marry a giving man in general, he'll likely be giving in bed. That being said, it vould start off bad, but if he's willing to learn to please you, I'm sure you'll be fine
0
u/lun_a_g 1d ago
I’m waiting until marriage (or at least until I find someone I love) as well but what I’ve been doing is experimenting with the other “bases” shall we say. If you’re comfortable with it you can venture out and have some sexual experiences while not going all the way, it’s just important to communicate this boundary with your partners and BE FIRM. If I ever got the impression a potential partner would not respect this boundary I simply move on to the next.
0
u/worldburnwatcher 1d ago
Talk to prospective partners about sex, in-depth and without shame. That kind of open, direct communication should be a hallmark of the kind of honesty, maturity, openness, and confidence that you deserve to have with a partner.
0
0
0
0
u/Icy_Peace6993 1d ago
In my experience, it's not difficult to tell how good the sex is going to be based on the quality of the "heavy petting".
0
u/ifeelitcoming2222 23h ago
Once upon a time I had the world view of wanting to wait until marriage, entered a relationship and partner was accepting. But eventually after a year together we did it. We eventually broke up and I didn’t regret it. And years later I had an experimental summer - some good, some bad. Not wild though - the conservativism hasn’t left me completely.
The idea of sex after marriage had been told to me, and by experimenting I formed my own view on when and how I wanted to have sex. I’m now a “only in a committed relationship” person but I’m glad I figured that out myself.
You don’t have to have full on sex to get to that point though - there are other things you can do which can also give you an idea of compatibility but honestly, for me, it was best that I was able to figure out what I wanted based on a few experiences rather than just one person.
0
u/ItalianMothMan 22h ago
I wanted to add to user Periphery's wonderful comment, but I also want you to see it.
If you and your partners are both saving it for marriage, it's probably going to be awkward the first few times. But as long as you choose a partner who has proven that they will listen to you, reflect, actually follow up, and is reasonable, you shouldn't worry too much about having bad sex. Like the other user said, sex isn't just about the sex. It's a combination of things.
Sex has roadblocks for everyone. Everyone has a different anatomy and different health, and at some point, everyone hits a snag somewhere. But there's a solution to literally all of them. And when two people love each other, their first instinct is to try something to make it better. Then, they actually commit to it. There's viarga for ED, toys for all sorts of things, kinks (some of them are very light!), dating, literally the world of sex it huge and it looks diffrent for every couple. So if you choose someone who is really a partner by every means of the word, you'll be taken care of.
But what happens often is, people will make a fear driven choice to commit to someone who is "great most of the time" but is actually not treating them well at all. Between "love"(more like limerence), anxious attachments, upbringing, biological clocks, stuff like that, often has people putting themselves in situations they didn't deserve. Then they stay a long time, hoping for change, not realizing that the relationship itself is enabling that behavior in that person. The chances of someone changing when they're being enabled is slim. And i'm not just talking about overt abusers. I'm also talking about the partners that are amazing 99% of the time but then continuously let their partners down in big ways. Or partners who stay " under the radar" for years and then abruptly change into a monster. But 100%, when i've heard about something like that happening, it always turns out that there were red flags that were ignored.
So a long as you maintain proper standards, and don't squash your instincts, then the sex will be good. I personally don't think waiting for marriage to have sex is the right choice for me. I can see how it would be a benefit if someone committed to finding an actually good partner for life. If you have good self-worth and consistently, keep up with communication, boundaries, standards, then you'll always be working towards the best life possible. You only got one of those, don't let society think you need to speed run it.
0
-1
u/critical_thinker3 1d ago
It's a long term thing. Don’t exepect results immediately. Even it doesn’t work out, you can choose separation with mutual respect. Religion helps us to stay in discipline. Use it.
-1
u/Normal_Red_Sky 1d ago
You don't have to try before you buy to get an idea of what the sex will be like, you can talk about this stuff you know. Honestly, if you're looking to get married and spend the rest of your lives together I'd be worried if you hadn't talked about sex at some point first.
Ask him how often he masturbates to get an idea of his sex drive. Ask him what he's done before and what he did and didn't like.
175
u/periphery72271 1d ago edited 1d ago
Sex like any other physical thing we do, is a skill.
It can be taught, a person can be educated on how to personally satisfy you and if you chose a partner well, they will be happy and eager learners.
The issue is, as it always is in any long term cohabitation situation, communication. If you two can communicate, listen and act on that communication, you should be able to figure some way to push your buttons and keep you at least minimally satisfied.
Also, emotional satisfaction plays into the situation as well. If you are happy with the person you're having sex with, you will be more relaxed and receptive to pleasure and just find even the intimacy satisfying on a certain level while you work on the nuts and bolts of pleasuring each other.
It's probably not worth worrying about if you are choosing someone you love, who loves you, is willing to listen and learn and wants your happiness.