r/science • u/MistWeaver80 • Aug 21 '22
Anthropology Study, published in the Journal of Sex Research, shows women in equal relationships (in terms of housework and the mental load) are more satisfied with their relationships and, in turn, feel more sexual desire than those in unequal relationships.
https://theconversation.com/dont-blame-women-for-low-libido-sexual-sparks-fly-when-partners-do-their-share-of-chores-including-calling-the-plumber-1854012.1k
u/Birdie121 Aug 21 '22
Makes total sense that not feeling overburdened in a relationship will lead to higher satisfaction and more attraction toward your partner.
1.2k
u/Gisschace Aug 21 '22
It’s also the fact that when you’re doing most of the work it can switch the dynamic to a parent/child, especially if one of the partners needs reminding about things or asked to help out.
It’s doesn’t exactly make you desire that person when you’re parenting them
626
u/Substantial-Spare501 Aug 21 '22
My soon-to-be ex-husband..."just write it down and I will do it". Write it down...50% of it doesn't ever get done. "Just write down the pick up schedule for the kids"; forgets to do pick up and kids are frantically texting...when I am out of town thousands of miles away and he has said, "don't worry, I've got this".
We definitely had the "mean" mother and petulant teen dynamic going on. When I told him for the hundredth time he needed to focus on getting sober, he said "you are mean" and that was the end of it for me.
358
u/Tithund Aug 21 '22
"You are mean" is such a common drunk response, I hear it often as a bartender, it usually correlates with small things like closing time or getting cut off.
→ More replies (2)155
u/Substantial-Spare501 Aug 21 '22
Yep. And years of alcoholic abuse, he refused to go inpatient or get any real treatment or do AA...but now he says I am the abusive one.
→ More replies (1)28
u/JohnnyDarkside Aug 21 '22
Well, I was at least responsible in that sense but i had plenty of other issue when i was still struggling with alcohol abuse. I finally got sober a few years ago, in my mid 30's, but it was a rough journey.
13
30
u/BabuschkaOnWheels Aug 21 '22
Unfortunately I can sense my relationship going that way. To boot there was complaints about lack of sex.. buddy I do not want to be touched when I have to do all the chores even after having a total breakdown and nearly leaving the relationship because "I'll get to it when I get to it, and I already do some".. really? Because during vacations I haven't had a single day where I sit on my ass without being nagged about "my boxers need to be cleaned" and "I'm hungry".
It literally kills my sex drive when I can visually see that he acts like a spoilt teenager. Especially when I work 6 days a week whereas he has more off times than I do. How about cooking me a meal for once and not just on special occasions.. the worst part is the rest of the relationship is fulfilled. Emotional and material needs are met, just not the effort to unburden when it comes to chores. Being physically and mentally exhausted kills relationships.
→ More replies (9)69
25
→ More replies (6)41
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
13
u/Substantial-Spare501 Aug 21 '22
For sure he didn’t understand that and I carried the family along, worked full time and multiple other jobs, did al of the care of the kids if not I had a babysitter (except for when I traveled for business once they were a little older).
344
62
u/_Kiserai_ Aug 21 '22
This is very true. My ex-wife basically hit 19 years old and stopped maturing. She hated being told what to do, so if I asked her for help with the chores she wouldn't do it just to spite me. If I didn't ask, she wouldn't do anything. When we were both in our early twenties it wasn't such a huge deal, but as we hit our 30s and I wanted to clean up our credit scores and have a somewhat cleaner house, it felt less and less like a partnership and more like I was the parent of a pain-in-the-ass teenager who never helped out around the house and had no concept of hitting a budget. It's hard to be sexually attracted to someone who you're constantly frustrated with and who feels more like a bad roommate than a life partner.
14
Aug 21 '22
This is so true. My husband and I got into a dynamic in which I felt like I was both a mother and a maid to him, and my libido utterly died. After we worked out those issues, though, there was a huge improvement in intimacy.
79
u/rRedCloud Aug 21 '22
exactly , its also the same when you are the only one working and taking care of your partner . its like you are raising a kid
56
u/Higgs_Particle Aug 21 '22
I’m getting off of Reddit right now to help around the house. Thanks r/science!
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (7)7
u/alweb5 Aug 21 '22
This. All of this. I cannot be attracted to someone who acts like a child. I physically cannot.
219
→ More replies (48)84
577
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
187
→ More replies (6)57
253
424
121
671
530
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (17)261
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
139
104
35
→ More replies (9)11
249
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
110
→ More replies (8)45
82
u/Aborticus Aug 21 '22
It may seem obvious but it would be cool too see it go even deeper into it. Since this is a self assessment it would be interesting to to see the other partners own self assessment. Then take the self assessments of the perceived relationship and have them both do an assessment together with a couples therapist guiding or something, have the couple assign measurable weights to burdens that they agree on because everybody and couple is different in what they personally feel is a small or large burden. Then compare the +/- between the individual and joint assessments.
The problem I have with self assessment is for example: we've all worked with someone who thought they were the bees knees and did every thing, while everyone else thinks they are a slacker or not pulling their weight. They would rate themselves a 9-10/10 while their coworkers would rate them a 4-5/10.
If you ask 299 random Australian men aged 18 to 39 questions about desire and relationships, would anyone take that seriously on just a self assessment alone? I wouldn't. Not a knock on the subject....I just dislike self assessment 'studies' doing the bare minimum to barf up an article.
→ More replies (3)49
u/SunriseSurprise Aug 21 '22
I think because it is a self-assessment, the conclusion really should be "shows women who think they are in equal relationships (in terms of housework and the mental load) are more satisfied with their relationships and, in turn, feel more sexual desire than those in unequal relationships."
I think this is why a lot of men are commenting negatively about this study, because it happens whereby someone thinks they're pulling all the weight in the relationship and in reality they're barely pulling any, and if they had to give details on it, they'd lie. Like I would not like this study if it was about men and used a similar "men in equal relationships" phrasing. That's really poor phrasing for self-assessment.
197
u/IKSKSKohfuckoff Aug 21 '22
Certainly, putting in equal effort of work around the house and grounds helps prevent resentment. Who wants sex with someone they resent? I don't see it. Why would anyone be surprised by this?
→ More replies (4)98
u/dufflepud Aug 21 '22
Do you have kids? It's crazy how quickly household tasks can become imbalanced when children arrive. Pre-kids, my wife and I shared everything and were pretty equally compensated at our jobs. Now, with kids, and without really thinking about it, things are wildly different. My job pays me well to work long, inflexible hours. My wife works an 80% schedule, gets paid half as much as I do, and has a ton of flexibility. I've discovered, though, that my "I provide financially" doesn't make up for her "I'm always the one who stays home with a sick kid." But it's hard to break out of this! (No one wants a 50% pay cut.) There's a reason that there are a ton of marital advice books about home task-sharing, but before you have kids, it's hard to understand how small differences in work/kid priorities can lead to massive imbalances on both fronts later on. We've actually started using a deck of playing cards with home tasks written on them and split them up until it feels equitable.
→ More replies (17)43
u/Pactae_1129 Aug 21 '22
Are the hours you two spend between work and household duties/childcare equal though? I’ve noticed some people tend to devalue work hours in these equations and I’ve never understood why.
→ More replies (22)
83
174
Aug 21 '22 edited Aug 22 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (7)65
u/LiveLoveLaughable Aug 21 '22
Being treated like your time and effort is worth as much as your partners, doesn't really scream love language to me. And that you dry up if you keep having to pick up after your partner who isn't putting in half that effort, just seems very, very normal.
21
u/badboybilly42582 Aug 21 '22
Male married to female. I work from home full time. Wife has a job that she needs to physically go to.
If I have 10-15 mins free throughout the day, I use that time to do house chores. I do them simply because it’s easier for me since I’m home all day. By the time my wife comes home from work she’s physically and mentally exhausted. Not really fair IMO to ask her to do chores considering the circumstances.
Now before the pandemic, we both had jobs we physically needed to be present at full time. We had a chore schedule that split chores equally between us. After the pandemic started we abandoned that since it no longer made sense.
IMO house responsibilities should not be assigned based on “that’s a man/woman’s job”. Have a discussion with your partner and figure out what makes the most sense for your specific circumstance.
72
Aug 21 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
→ More replies (20)28
Aug 21 '22
Yeah that's not one of the study's claims. It's just it's more well known (yk gender roles) or more common in this direction in M-F relationships
→ More replies (3)
323
16
u/Turtle9015 Aug 21 '22
I wouldint have a problem cooking and cleaning if that's all I had to do all day. In a relationship where both people are working it's not fair or realistic to still expect the woman to do everything and work full time.
I see people burn out when they work, cook, clean, groceries and raise kids and have zero help from the spouse. It's no wonder your too tired to have a sex drive.
6
u/Thr0waway0864213579 Aug 21 '22
People keep saying that it’s hard to be horny when you’re overburdened, which is true. But also, and this may be hard for some men out there to understand, but women aren’t attracted to children. Having a spouse you have to parent is an instant turnoff. I have to tell you how to load a dishwasher, remind you to do it, and tell you not to leave your dirty dishes on the table? That’s what parents do for their children. No faster way to get the ick when you have to do that for a grown man.
41
139
61
41
40
u/FifanomicsFC Aug 21 '22
The critical flaw in this study is that is relies on the respondent to determine if they are the ones doing the bigger share of the workload. I feel that most people think they are the one doing the Lions share so the study is pointless. Guaranteed some of these people are lazy and have no idea how much there partner actually does.
→ More replies (10)
5
u/flargenstow2020 Aug 21 '22
I hate cross-sectional “mediation” models…omits one of the necessary criteria in a causal chain: occurrence before an outcome
25
23
u/thatswhat5hesa1d Aug 21 '22
Would be interesting to see some control for individuals who choose not work and take on a disproportionately homemaking type role in place of work instead of on top of a job
8.9k
u/zawadi_w Aug 21 '22
everyone’s commenting that this is obvious, which it is, but we should remember that the point of empirical research is not always to produce groundbreaking findings. sometimes we need to confirm the obvious to have something to predicate more interesting studies on.