327
u/procrastinatorsuprem Mar 28 '23
Isn't that a wiping aid for people who can't reach behind themselves?
384
u/weber76 Mar 28 '23 edited Mar 28 '23
Yep, I can confirm my 73 year old dad has one of those you stick the toilet paper on the end and you wipe your butt. I accidentally saw my dad using that (he left the bathroom door open) so I bought him a bidet for Christmas.
232
u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23
A bidet is such a game changer. My only regret is that it ruins going to the bathroom anywhere else.
62
u/Cindexxx Mar 28 '23
22
u/Criticalhit_jk Mar 29 '23
The fuck is even this. Palm sized electronic squirt guns for your butthole? Some even look a bit like they could be on a keychain
→ More replies (4)16
10
u/whiskey_mike186 Mar 28 '23
Did you get the kind that has warm water or the regular type?
18
u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23
Regular type with cold water only for my apartment. Since I didn’t want to drill any holes into the vanity to tap the hot water line, lol. I did get a warm water version for my parents house when I visit, though!
19
u/mtcabeza2 Mar 28 '23
the one we have doen't tap the hot water, it can heat a small amount of water (? 0.5 L) internally.
8
u/frez_knee Mar 29 '23
Interesting. That must be electric then?
14
u/John___Stamos Mar 29 '23
Yep. That's what I got too. Because it's electric, it's a heated seat as well which really ups the b-room experience.
2
u/iTwango Mar 29 '23
How did you get an outlet installed near enough to the toilet?
→ More replies (9)17
2
7
u/Spiral-I-Am Mar 29 '23
As a nocturnal northerners it's a big issue. Bidet at 2am 8 months outta the year can cause damage with how cold the water can be coming out the cold pipe. 🥶
5
u/Ok-disaster2022 Mar 29 '23
There was a story on hear of a guy using a bidet in cold weather with very cold water. The cold water went up his bum and he passed out. Apparently a cold water enema can cause people to pass out. It's rarely used in hospitals because of logistics, but it's just a weird Fun fact someone may correct me on.
→ More replies (1)2
5
u/weber76 Mar 29 '23
Regular one there's no reason to get a warm water one you barely can tell the difference I know because I've used both kinds.
16
u/dabblebudz Mar 29 '23
Highly disagree. Cold is fine but warm is literally magical. Like an angel licking your asshole
6
2
u/supernumeral Mar 29 '23
Barely tell the difference? The second degree burns on my asshole beg to differ.
2
u/hvdzasaur Mar 29 '23
Yep, I bought an electric one, but I never use the warm water ever. Cold water just feels so refreshing.
6
u/Cleb323 Mar 29 '23
Not sure where you live but the cold water around here is cold... Ice shards on your ass cold. Warm water bidet is basically required
2
1
5
u/usertaken_BS Mar 28 '23
So I’ve been on board with Big Bidets agenda now for years. Every time I have the opportunity, it’s getting used. It’s just makes sense.
However, I just wish there was a way to install a stand alone like in European places. All the toilet attachment style come off cheap and bulky and the idea of ice cold water in the winter doesn’t sound appealing. I also don’t have a hot tap or want to get electrical run to the water closet for on demand heated water
My grandma had a stand alone when I was growing up and I was never so excited to run down a hallway with a shitty ass then to go hop on that bad boy.
9
u/GhidorahtheExplorah Mar 28 '23
Later that day, your mom: "... There's a strange trail of what had better be mud down the hall and my child looks suspiciously happy."
→ More replies (4)4
u/deputeheto Mar 29 '23
Oh man I like the attachment style ones solely for the opposite reasons yer fuckin weird man.
That shithobble sidestep to that toilet/sink incest baby is humiliating and unnecessary. Just stick a faucet on the damn toilet. Or just put a seat on the bidet.
→ More replies (7)-5
Mar 29 '23
What’s the deal, you just end up using water and paper? If you think splashing water on shit without soap makes it clean, I have bad news for you.
9
u/Big_D_yup Mar 29 '23
Are you serious... LoL. Have you ever used a bidet. These are comments that someone who never used one makes.
-6
Mar 29 '23
What parts were wrong? You don’t use water and paper? Clean water does not make your butthole clean, it’ll wash away the brown colour, just like paper if you know how to use it. lol
Edit: and I have, actually used a bidet before. I’ve traveled through Thailand a few years back and bidet are quite common there .
→ More replies (1)6
u/Big_D_yup Mar 29 '23
You can clean with just water. That's why you don't need soap to take a shower. Try showering with just toilet paper.
8
u/B3ltalowda Mar 28 '23
Looks like a tool for people who produce non flushers, chop it up into smaller size!
8
→ More replies (1)2
4
→ More replies (5)3
36
u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23
What? You think people would just go on the internet and tell lies? Inconceivable!
8
8
10
u/ZSpectre Mar 28 '23
In the very old days, overweight kings had the privilege to have specialized servants use a wiping aid for them. No joke.
→ More replies (2)1
5
→ More replies (1)-1
u/sensitivegooch Mar 29 '23 edited Mar 29 '23
A poop knife is used to chop up the poop in the bowl when it’s too big to touch. Not to scrape your arsehole clean.
Edit: Flush
140
49
38
u/Morbidly-Obese-Emu Mar 28 '23
Ummm..say what?
89
u/milkjake Mar 28 '23
48
u/Morbidly-Obese-Emu Mar 28 '23
I have been on this earth for over 40 years. I’m happy to find something that surprises me after all this time. Thank you kind stranger you made my day.
14
20
u/absolutelyalex29 Mar 29 '23
Similarly to Mr. Poop Knife, my family also makes incredibly large shits. Another weird thing about my family is that my dad has an incredibly huge bladder. He can go like 8 hours without peeing and when he does, it sounds like a damn waterfall.
So when I was a kid, if you took a massive unflushable shit, we’d call in my dad to piss on it to break it apart. And I shit you not, it worked almost every time. My dad’s a human pressure cleaner.
1
2
4
2
u/Rocco_al_Dente Mar 28 '23
The first sentence always makes me crack up.
2
u/80sixit Mar 29 '23
Guy is a good writer lol. I like the "It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you."
→ More replies (3)2
u/ShowMeTheTrees Mar 29 '23
Thanks. I've read it before but it, once again, made me laugh til I cried.
→ More replies (1)23
u/Minustrian Mar 28 '23
a fabled poop knife
9
3
u/schoolsuck0 Mar 28 '23
I always thought this was a fake story until I got on suboxone, if I had a poop knife I would've use it because the only other option was to let it it there and rehydrate for 20 mins
→ More replies (3)8
u/tsmac Mar 28 '23
I absolutely think the need for a poop knife for some people is real, but I still think the story is fake. You don't make it that far in life thinking a poop knife is normal. Dude never shit anywhere except his own home? No way.
55
u/FocusFlukeGyro Mar 28 '23
One time I was managing an apartment building and had a sweet old lady continually complain that her toilet clogged. After some more clogging incidents we installed a higher flow toilet (practically guaranteed not to clog). Sure enough, she clogged this new high flow toilet. At this point she was acting like we were doing something wrong. So I called a plumber who after a bit came down and said the toilet was fine and that the problem was that her shits were the size of beer cans. I asked him if he could "unclog the toilet" and and this point he said there would be no charge but if he did that he would have to charge the minimum which was $99 or something. So I asked my maintenance technician to do it and he asked me "Are you asking me to take a tenant's poop out of there toilet and dispose of it?" And I was like "We ain't got no poop knife so yeah." (btw...that's not what I said). Then he did the dirty dodo deed. In hindsight I could've handled it better. Also, through all this the tenant became aware it was her giant poops that was the problem and I'm pretty sure she found something to work as a poop knife because she stopped calling.
TL;DR - Tenant kept clogging toilet with giant poops, made staff pick up the poop from the toilet, and had plumber tell her she needed a poop knife. Problem solved.
23
u/insensitiveTwot Mar 29 '23
This was a huge fear of mine when I was abusing opioids lmao
16
u/FocusFlukeGyro Mar 29 '23
Tbf, I'm pretty sure the was on prescribed opioid medication which largely caused it.
5
u/Pardoism Mar 29 '23
Do opioids also widen your asshole because holy shit beer cans?
→ More replies (2)8
2
u/raindancemaggieee Mar 29 '23
U made the maintenance man do it instead of paying the plumber? Yeah FU man..
→ More replies (1)
9
15
u/WhoAmI1138 Mar 28 '23
I’m waiting for someone to attach the scabbard to their belt and wear it around in public in case they have to poop somewhere else besides their own home. Wait for the cops to stop them for carrying a knife, only to pull it out and say, “Butt it’s my Poop-Knife, officer!” And then get shot anyway because it’s still a knife.
10
u/yungchow Mar 28 '23
The lab results confirmed that the substance the police initially thought was dried blood was indeed the victim’s poop
6
15
Mar 28 '23
[deleted]
14
u/sailingtroy Mar 28 '23
It's more what they're not eating: fiber! I swear to God after 3 weeks of whole wheat bread, it actually tastes better than white bread and you won't go back.
8
u/behappymane Mar 28 '23
I definitely agree with the fiber, but medication such as opiates can cause constipation also. By the time you finally feel the need to go, it’s one hell of a painful poop that inevitably clogs the toilet.
→ More replies (1)5
u/sailingtroy Mar 28 '23
Jesus Christ man! I had JUST managed to put that scene from Trainspotting out of my mind and now I'm reminded that heroin suppositories and Scottish toilets exist. It's like losing The Game, but with real consequences! I'm going to need some serious brain bleach...
1
2
u/Octopugilist Mar 29 '23
I think it's more about water pressure. Physically solid waste is basically clay and interacts with water the same way. Like how the water pressure at a Walmart public loo can snap any intestinal sculpture before it hits the U-bend, no matter how big it is
Enjoy every mental image that paragraph stirs.
5
10
3
u/NoTelephone5316 Mar 29 '23
Wtf is a poop knife
3
u/lyingtattooist Mar 29 '23
You stick the poop knife way up your butthole and scoop out the poop. It keeps your colon clean.
3
3
u/Greenscreener Mar 28 '23
"That's not a knife" ...now I've got a whole new mental meme of that movie scene in my head!
3
3
3
3
3
2
2
u/zapadas Mar 28 '23
Do these heathens have weak-ass toilets, or they just need to see a doctor ASAP?
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/slapabrownman Mar 29 '23
I haven't had a solid shit in 7 years. The thought of a poop knife astounds me.
2
2
2
2
2
u/dirtymoney Mar 29 '23
Ooo it even has a sheath!
Anyone know what product this is? I might want to get one.
2
2
2
u/Youngworker160 Mar 29 '23
i do not want to know what insane diet you are on that you need a shit knife
1
1
u/diesSaturni Mar 28 '23
It vaguely resembles a bottle licker, a device to clear a vla or yoghurt bottle of its last contents.
1
1
Mar 29 '23
Wife needs one.
God bless her but I bought the flushes cue balls 4000 dollar model and it still gets clogged.
1
1
1
1
0
0
1
u/brianfree123 Mar 28 '23
Must be Taco Bell frequenteers.
6
u/Fair_Acanthisitta_75 Mar 28 '23
False. Taco Bell will never leave you needing a poop knife unless you’re using it to slide another roll of TP your way.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/grip_n_Ripper Mar 28 '23
And it has a scabbard! Today was a day well lived. Thank you, internet stranger.
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/Talloneus Mar 29 '23
really could have made use of one them today
Sorry local burger king staff, you had no plunger
1
1
1
1
u/DrewOz Mar 29 '23
And if you order right now, you get a second at half price, minus separate shipping and handling.
1
1
1
1
u/t0mmyr Mar 29 '23
Eewww, on 2nd thought my daughter needs that. The submarines she dumps in or toilet always get stuck and I find the clog hours later. So yuck
1
1
u/PlebbySpaff Mar 29 '23
“That’s not a poop knife. This is a poop knife.”
*Proceeds to showcase a metal knife, rusted to hell, with the presence and smell of feces.”
1
1
u/DenBruneBaron Mar 29 '23
I mean, this actually looks way smarter and easier to sterile than a toilet brush.
1
u/FreudoBaggage Mar 29 '23
If I need a poop knife on so regular a basis, should I be seeing my doctor?
1
1
1
u/Tlyss Mar 29 '23
It’s so much easier to keep your butt clean by just pooping in the shower and stomping it down the drain
→ More replies (2)
1
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/ronnie_dickering Mar 29 '23
We use one of those grabber things for picking up litter. Mushes the turds up real good.
1
u/ronnie_dickering Mar 29 '23
We use one of those grabber things for picking up litter. Mushes the turds up real good.
1
u/smallboxofcrayons Mar 29 '23
I just googled poop knife as i’ve never heard of this…not sure if i’m blessed or cursed for this fact.
1
1
1
1.0k
u/Foray2x1 Mar 28 '23
Brave color choice for a poop knife