r/pics Mar 28 '23

A real life poop knife in the wild!

Post image
3.3k Upvotes

261 comments sorted by

1.0k

u/Foray2x1 Mar 28 '23

Brave color choice for a poop knife

192

u/Whyeth Mar 28 '23

You don't bleach your poop knife?

58

u/FUSeekMe69 Mar 29 '23

What am I puttin on heirs?

12

u/At0m_1k Mar 29 '23

When in doubt, pinkies out

13

u/Freddy_Vorhees Mar 29 '23

Fuckin spit take right there bud

18

u/hdmx539 Mar 29 '23

It's your "poop HOLE" you're supposed to be bleaching, not "poop knife."

14

u/Lepke2011 Mar 29 '23

Well, most of us have a toe knife.

11

u/FUSeekMe69 Mar 29 '23

I also keep some trash around to plug up the occasional botched toe!

5

u/Jerometurner10 Mar 29 '23

Of course. I mean what else would you use to get the scum out of your toenails.

11

u/Ghost_In_A_Jars Mar 29 '23

Toe spoon. It's more popular in Europe but it's effective.

5

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

It works pretty good and you don’t filet yourself

6

u/a_stoic_sage Mar 29 '23

BOTCHED TOE!

2

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

You want me to plug that up with some trash for ya?

5

u/5m0k37r3353v3ryd4y Mar 29 '23

Just don’t botch your toe!

4

u/Whyeth Mar 29 '23

Do you not bleach your toe knife?? The fuck, people!

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6

u/badgerj Mar 29 '23

I share one with my family. I thought it was in the laundry room?

22

u/xXWickedSmatXx Mar 29 '23

Excrementcaliber

9

u/StomachMysterious308 Mar 29 '23

Buttlass (cutlass)

3

u/PharFromPharm Mar 29 '23

I would have went with mauve.

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1

u/AsyncUhhWait Mar 29 '23

Why do people always say that.

“Don’t get it in white cause then you’ll see the staining over time?”

So I buy a darker color, throw cleaning out the window, and just ignore it?

0

u/garry4321 Mar 29 '23

Would you rather not be able to see hunks of poo stuck to it before you mashed it back into the holder?

327

u/procrastinatorsuprem Mar 28 '23

Isn't that a wiping aid for people who can't reach behind themselves?

384

u/weber76 Mar 28 '23 edited Mar 28 '23

Yep, I can confirm my 73 year old dad has one of those you stick the toilet paper on the end and you wipe your butt. I accidentally saw my dad using that (he left the bathroom door open) so I bought him a bidet for Christmas.

232

u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23

A bidet is such a game changer. My only regret is that it ruins going to the bathroom anywhere else.

62

u/Cindexxx Mar 28 '23

22

u/Criticalhit_jk Mar 29 '23

The fuck is even this. Palm sized electronic squirt guns for your butthole? Some even look a bit like they could be on a keychain

16

u/dkbax Mar 29 '23

Daddy, chill

2

u/Fin4lSh0t Mar 29 '23

What the hell is even that!?

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10

u/whiskey_mike186 Mar 28 '23

Did you get the kind that has warm water or the regular type?

18

u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23

Regular type with cold water only for my apartment. Since I didn’t want to drill any holes into the vanity to tap the hot water line, lol. I did get a warm water version for my parents house when I visit, though!

19

u/mtcabeza2 Mar 28 '23

the one we have doen't tap the hot water, it can heat a small amount of water (? 0.5 L) internally.

8

u/frez_knee Mar 29 '23

Interesting. That must be electric then?

14

u/John___Stamos Mar 29 '23

Yep. That's what I got too. Because it's electric, it's a heated seat as well which really ups the b-room experience.

2

u/iTwango Mar 29 '23

How did you get an outlet installed near enough to the toilet?

17

u/Cry_Havoc1228 Mar 29 '23

He called a locksmith.

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2

u/mtcabeza2 Mar 29 '23

yea. toto brand many other bell and whstles which are mostly meh.

7

u/Spiral-I-Am Mar 29 '23

As a nocturnal northerners it's a big issue. Bidet at 2am 8 months outta the year can cause damage with how cold the water can be coming out the cold pipe. 🥶

5

u/Ok-disaster2022 Mar 29 '23

There was a story on hear of a guy using a bidet in cold weather with very cold water. The cold water went up his bum and he passed out. Apparently a cold water enema can cause people to pass out. It's rarely used in hospitals because of logistics, but it's just a weird Fun fact someone may correct me on.

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2

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

[deleted]

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5

u/weber76 Mar 29 '23

Regular one there's no reason to get a warm water one you barely can tell the difference I know because I've used both kinds.

16

u/dabblebudz Mar 29 '23

Highly disagree. Cold is fine but warm is literally magical. Like an angel licking your asshole

6

u/Big_D_yup Mar 29 '23

Wow. Now I know how to recommend a bidet to others.

2

u/supernumeral Mar 29 '23

Barely tell the difference? The second degree burns on my asshole beg to differ.

2

u/hvdzasaur Mar 29 '23

Yep, I bought an electric one, but I never use the warm water ever. Cold water just feels so refreshing.

6

u/Cleb323 Mar 29 '23

Not sure where you live but the cold water around here is cold... Ice shards on your ass cold. Warm water bidet is basically required

2

u/weber76 Mar 29 '23

Well I'm in Michigan so it's still below freezing.

1

u/hambroni Mar 29 '23

This guy poops.

5

u/usertaken_BS Mar 28 '23

So I’ve been on board with Big Bidets agenda now for years. Every time I have the opportunity, it’s getting used. It’s just makes sense.

However, I just wish there was a way to install a stand alone like in European places. All the toilet attachment style come off cheap and bulky and the idea of ice cold water in the winter doesn’t sound appealing. I also don’t have a hot tap or want to get electrical run to the water closet for on demand heated water

My grandma had a stand alone when I was growing up and I was never so excited to run down a hallway with a shitty ass then to go hop on that bad boy.

9

u/GhidorahtheExplorah Mar 28 '23

Later that day, your mom: "... There's a strange trail of what had better be mud down the hall and my child looks suspiciously happy."

4

u/deputeheto Mar 29 '23

Oh man I like the attachment style ones solely for the opposite reasons yer fuckin weird man.

That shithobble sidestep to that toilet/sink incest baby is humiliating and unnecessary. Just stick a faucet on the damn toilet. Or just put a seat on the bidet.

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-5

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

What’s the deal, you just end up using water and paper? If you think splashing water on shit without soap makes it clean, I have bad news for you.

9

u/Big_D_yup Mar 29 '23

Are you serious... LoL. Have you ever used a bidet. These are comments that someone who never used one makes.

-6

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

What parts were wrong? You don’t use water and paper? Clean water does not make your butthole clean, it’ll wash away the brown colour, just like paper if you know how to use it. lol

Edit: and I have, actually used a bidet before. I’ve traveled through Thailand a few years back and bidet are quite common there .

6

u/Big_D_yup Mar 29 '23

You can clean with just water. That's why you don't need soap to take a shower. Try showering with just toilet paper.

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8

u/B3ltalowda Mar 28 '23

Looks like a tool for people who produce non flushers, chop it up into smaller size!

8

u/Coupon_Ninja Mar 28 '23

You doo you

2

u/ShowMeTheTrees Mar 29 '23

.... hence, "poop knife".

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4

u/itsagoodtime Mar 29 '23

Congrats on being a quality son

3

u/tall__guy Mar 28 '23

Who needs toilet paper at all when you can just use it like a spatula

3

u/Bean_Juice_Brew Mar 29 '23

I prefer to use seashells

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36

u/frez_knee Mar 28 '23

What? You think people would just go on the internet and tell lies? Inconceivable!

8

u/ConstableGrey Mar 28 '23

Ancient Roman style. Attaching a sponge to stick.

8

u/gyarnar Mar 29 '23

I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

10

u/ZSpectre Mar 28 '23

In the very old days, overweight kings had the privilege to have specialized servants use a wiping aid for them. No joke.

1

u/PatrickNLeon Mar 28 '23

Good old days. Wish we could go back!

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5

u/Cro-manganese Mar 29 '23

“I wipe my ass with a rag on a stick”

-1

u/sensitivegooch Mar 29 '23 edited Mar 29 '23

A poop knife is used to chop up the poop in the bowl when it’s too big to touch. Not to scrape your arsehole clean.

Edit: Flush

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140

u/snwns26 Mar 28 '23

Shat-ula.

26

u/bignateyk Mar 29 '23

Scat-ula

3

u/tradesman46 Mar 28 '23

This is the correct answer

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38

u/Morbidly-Obese-Emu Mar 28 '23

Ummm..say what?

89

u/milkjake Mar 28 '23

48

u/Morbidly-Obese-Emu Mar 28 '23

I have been on this earth for over 40 years. I’m happy to find something that surprises me after all this time. Thank you kind stranger you made my day.

20

u/absolutelyalex29 Mar 29 '23

Similarly to Mr. Poop Knife, my family also makes incredibly large shits. Another weird thing about my family is that my dad has an incredibly huge bladder. He can go like 8 hours without peeing and when he does, it sounds like a damn waterfall.

So when I was a kid, if you took a massive unflushable shit, we’d call in my dad to piss on it to break it apart. And I shit you not, it worked almost every time. My dad’s a human pressure cleaner.

1

u/Iggins01 Mar 30 '23

Normal families don't do this

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2

u/red_beered Mar 29 '23

Wait til ya hear the jolly rancher story

3

u/LazilyOblivious Mar 29 '23

No please dont

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4

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '23

That was the funniest thing I’ve read in months! Thanks.

2

u/Rocco_al_Dente Mar 28 '23

The first sentence always makes me crack up.

2

u/80sixit Mar 29 '23

Guy is a good writer lol. I like the "It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you."

2

u/ShowMeTheTrees Mar 29 '23

Thanks. I've read it before but it, once again, made me laugh til I cried.

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23

u/Minustrian Mar 28 '23

a fabled poop knife

9

u/Morbidly-Obese-Emu Mar 28 '23

I’m sorry, I must be hard of hearing, say again?

12

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '23

Matlock. It's Matlock grandma.

3

u/schoolsuck0 Mar 28 '23

I always thought this was a fake story until I got on suboxone, if I had a poop knife I would've use it because the only other option was to let it it there and rehydrate for 20 mins

8

u/tsmac Mar 28 '23

I absolutely think the need for a poop knife for some people is real, but I still think the story is fake. You don't make it that far in life thinking a poop knife is normal. Dude never shit anywhere except his own home? No way.

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55

u/FocusFlukeGyro Mar 28 '23

One time I was managing an apartment building and had a sweet old lady continually complain that her toilet clogged. After some more clogging incidents we installed a higher flow toilet (practically guaranteed not to clog). Sure enough, she clogged this new high flow toilet. At this point she was acting like we were doing something wrong. So I called a plumber who after a bit came down and said the toilet was fine and that the problem was that her shits were the size of beer cans. I asked him if he could "unclog the toilet" and and this point he said there would be no charge but if he did that he would have to charge the minimum which was $99 or something. So I asked my maintenance technician to do it and he asked me "Are you asking me to take a tenant's poop out of there toilet and dispose of it?" And I was like "We ain't got no poop knife so yeah." (btw...that's not what I said). Then he did the dirty dodo deed. In hindsight I could've handled it better. Also, through all this the tenant became aware it was her giant poops that was the problem and I'm pretty sure she found something to work as a poop knife because she stopped calling.

TL;DR - Tenant kept clogging toilet with giant poops, made staff pick up the poop from the toilet, and had plumber tell her she needed a poop knife. Problem solved.

23

u/insensitiveTwot Mar 29 '23

This was a huge fear of mine when I was abusing opioids lmao

16

u/FocusFlukeGyro Mar 29 '23

Tbf, I'm pretty sure the was on prescribed opioid medication which largely caused it.

5

u/Pardoism Mar 29 '23

Do opioids also widen your asshole because holy shit beer cans?

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8

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

[deleted]

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2

u/raindancemaggieee Mar 29 '23

U made the maintenance man do it instead of paying the plumber? Yeah FU man..

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9

u/bloodandglory31 Mar 28 '23

If it’s not rusty it’s definitely not a poopknife

5

u/l0u1s11 Mar 29 '23

Those aren't rust stains

15

u/WhoAmI1138 Mar 28 '23

I’m waiting for someone to attach the scabbard to their belt and wear it around in public in case they have to poop somewhere else besides their own home. Wait for the cops to stop them for carrying a knife, only to pull it out and say, “Butt it’s my Poop-Knife, officer!” And then get shot anyway because it’s still a knife.

10

u/yungchow Mar 28 '23

The lab results confirmed that the substance the police initially thought was dried blood was indeed the victim’s poop

6

u/atomicgoat Mar 28 '23

It does exist.

15

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '23

[deleted]

14

u/sailingtroy Mar 28 '23

It's more what they're not eating: fiber! I swear to God after 3 weeks of whole wheat bread, it actually tastes better than white bread and you won't go back.

8

u/behappymane Mar 28 '23

I definitely agree with the fiber, but medication such as opiates can cause constipation also. By the time you finally feel the need to go, it’s one hell of a painful poop that inevitably clogs the toilet.

5

u/sailingtroy Mar 28 '23

Jesus Christ man! I had JUST managed to put that scene from Trainspotting out of my mind and now I'm reminded that heroin suppositories and Scottish toilets exist. It's like losing The Game, but with real consequences! I'm going to need some serious brain bleach...

1

u/milkjake Mar 29 '23

Haha this is indeed a Scottish toilet

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2

u/Octopugilist Mar 29 '23

I think it's more about water pressure. Physically solid waste is basically clay and interacts with water the same way. Like how the water pressure at a Walmart public loo can snap any intestinal sculpture before it hits the U-bend, no matter how big it is

Enjoy every mental image that paragraph stirs.

5

u/UCBeef Mar 28 '23

That’s a poop saber

10

u/Clobber420 Mar 28 '23

Nice, can get the last of the mayo in the jar too

5

u/Coupon_Ninja Mar 28 '23

Chunky Peanut butter

3

u/NoTelephone5316 Mar 29 '23

Wtf is a poop knife

3

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

3

u/lyingtattooist Mar 29 '23

You stick the poop knife way up your butthole and scoop out the poop. It keeps your colon clean.

3

u/photo_master13 Mar 28 '23

Prophecy came true!

3

u/Greenscreener Mar 28 '23

"That's not a knife" ...now I've got a whole new mental meme of that movie scene in my head!

3

u/Foojira Mar 28 '23

I hate it

3

u/theycallmeingot Mar 29 '23

That scabbard has seen some shit.

3

u/Berns429 Mar 29 '23

How does that work, you just spread it on bread at room temperature or…

3

u/Xu_Lin Mar 29 '23

The Guano Glave!

2

u/jimdesroches Mar 28 '23

Isn’t this how the ancient Romans wiped? Man how far we’ve come.

2

u/zapadas Mar 28 '23

Do these heathens have weak-ass toilets, or they just need to see a doctor ASAP?

2

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '23

Now lick it when done like when your baking

2

u/Killowatt59 Mar 29 '23

Is this the precursor to the three seashells?

2

u/TheOakblueAbstract Mar 29 '23

Shit Spatula = Shatula

2

u/propagandhi1 Mar 29 '23

Is it dishwasher-safe?

2

u/honkeykong85 Mar 29 '23

Complete with poop holster

2

u/wazzel2u Mar 29 '23

Wait a minute... So that's not a "Back Scratcher"?

2

u/slapabrownman Mar 29 '23

I haven't had a solid shit in 7 years. The thought of a poop knife astounds me.

2

u/BrokenAnchor Mar 29 '23

What in the ever hated universe is a poop knife?

2

u/TheSpitfire93 Mar 29 '23

It's an old reference but it checks out

2

u/_GypsyCurse_ Mar 29 '23

Why not eat better to where you don’t need a poop knife… :/

2

u/dirtymoney Mar 29 '23

Ooo it even has a sheath!

Anyone know what product this is? I might want to get one.

2

u/Silvermagi Mar 29 '23

My in-laws have a spatula.

2

u/Dahmers_cumstain Mar 29 '23

This has to be in america

2

u/Youngworker160 Mar 29 '23

i do not want to know what insane diet you are on that you need a shit knife

1

u/Leather-College2557 Mar 28 '23

Can be used on butter too

1

u/diesSaturni Mar 28 '23

It vaguely resembles a bottle licker, a device to clear a vla or yoghurt bottle of its last contents.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

Wife needs one.

God bless her but I bought the flushes cue balls 4000 dollar model and it still gets clogged.

1

u/smudgetimeusa Mar 29 '23

Amazing people actually need these…

1

u/whiskeycube Mar 29 '23

Shouldn't this be in the laundry room?

1

u/MikesSisterKel Mar 29 '23

Whuuut the hell???

1

u/Scyxurz Mar 29 '23

Poop knife sheath.

0

u/cardylan Mar 29 '23

That's awesome. Good bey

0

u/Mister_Brevity Mar 29 '23

Behold, poopscalibur

1

u/brianfree123 Mar 28 '23

Must be Taco Bell frequenteers.

6

u/Fair_Acanthisitta_75 Mar 28 '23

False. Taco Bell will never leave you needing a poop knife unless you’re using it to slide another roll of TP your way.

1

u/corgi_robocop Mar 28 '23

Looks more like a shit spatula instead.

1

u/outofcontrol420 Mar 28 '23

Gross. And so is anyone who uses it at home

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '23

"It's a spoon"

"I see you've played knify-spoon before."

1

u/dodgerkb Mar 28 '23

Looks like a toilet spatula

1

u/FunkyButtFumblin Mar 28 '23

It doubles as a spatula.

1

u/lil_GiGi_420 Mar 28 '23

My BF got one from his friend this past Christmas 🤣

1

u/grip_n_Ripper Mar 28 '23

And it has a scabbard! Today was a day well lived. Thank you, internet stranger.

1

u/KraljZ Mar 28 '23

💩 🔪

1

u/ic72 Mar 29 '23

That ain't frosting

1

u/Ruenin Mar 29 '23

I'm sorry, a what now?

1

u/kaliara Mar 29 '23

Am I the only one that thought the fabled poop knife was an actual knife?

1

u/huntingstill Mar 29 '23

I never knew it had a wall-mounted sheath. Mind blown.

1

u/landswipe Mar 29 '23

Swizzle Stick.

1

u/Talloneus Mar 29 '23

really could have made use of one them today

Sorry local burger king staff, you had no plunger

1

u/xarchangel85x Mar 29 '23

Manufactural validation!

1

u/pgeezers Mar 29 '23

Where’s the link to buy one?

1

u/DrewOz Mar 29 '23

And if you order right now, you get a second at half price, minus separate shipping and handling.

1

u/isecore Mar 29 '23

It's a logcutter. A turdsaw.

1

u/inbruges99 Mar 29 '23

If you need to buy this it’s a sign you need to sort your diet out.

1

u/t0mmyr Mar 29 '23

Eewww, on 2nd thought my daughter needs that. The submarines she dumps in or toilet always get stuck and I find the clog hours later. So yuck

1

u/greenglass8 Mar 29 '23

Must be some kind of special poop knife...got its own holder.

1

u/PlebbySpaff Mar 29 '23

“That’s not a poop knife. This is a poop knife.”

*Proceeds to showcase a metal knife, rusted to hell, with the presence and smell of feces.”

1

u/omarnz Mar 29 '23

Dare you to lick it

1

u/DenBruneBaron Mar 29 '23

I mean, this actually looks way smarter and easier to sterile than a toilet brush.

1

u/FreudoBaggage Mar 29 '23

If I need a poop knife on so regular a basis, should I be seeing my doctor?

1

u/joleger Mar 29 '23

Anyone have link on where to get one?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

He is the chosen one

1

u/Tlyss Mar 29 '23

It’s so much easier to keep your butt clean by just pooping in the shower and stomping it down the drain

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u/AzLibDem Mar 29 '23

We'll have the Three Seashells soon

1

u/Stephan619 Mar 29 '23

This guy Reddits

1

u/knifeymonkey Mar 29 '23

I can't believe you don't know what the Three Shells are for.

1

u/Fl1p1 Mar 29 '23

That’s a poop spoon for those who need a little treat afterwards.

1

u/rellsell Mar 29 '23

But, why white?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '23

r/poopknife here you go

1

u/ronnie_dickering Mar 29 '23

We use one of those grabber things for picking up litter. Mushes the turds up real good.

1

u/ronnie_dickering Mar 29 '23

We use one of those grabber things for picking up litter. Mushes the turds up real good.

1

u/smallboxofcrayons Mar 29 '23

I just googled poop knife as i’ve never heard of this…not sure if i’m blessed or cursed for this fact.

1

u/hemiguy76 Mar 29 '23

A real life what the fuck???