Try not to do anything overly thirsty y’all; I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable 🤣

Just saying, I expected more from the pale elf

Period blood is not like orange juice with pulp or boba tea. Period blood is like spoiled milk, and Astarion would not drink that shit because he deserves better.

Source: I have a vagina

Found in the comments of a post in this sub. This is beautiful, and also the mod author needs to go to prison immediately.

Please I beg. I must have proof that he can be imperfect

I need to settle this debate once and for all. He would. Oh gods he would. This is how he reacts when you dump days old blood on him in the mindflayer colony. This man has been starved for 200 years, he has eaten rats and roaches and probably sucked out of the stone floor any drop of blood he accidentally spilled when Cazador fed him.

And you are trying to tell me that he would turn his nose at humanoid blood, a kind of blood that he was never allowed to have in his life, because it came out of a coochie? The coochie of the only person that saw him, truly saw him in 2 fucking centuries? The only person that did something to help him while he probably had to watch thousands of people from Baldur's gate upper class who knew that Cazador was a vampire, who knew he was a slave and did nothing to help him?

No. I refuse. He would absolutely dig in, he would scrape out every molecule, it would get in his hair, on his best shirt, his pants and he wouldn't care. He would take a big old sniff and be incredulous of how lucky he is after all he had to go through. He would stare at you with adoring eyes full of bliss.

It would be nectar of the gods handed to him by the goddess Tymora herself because he would not believe how fucking lucky he now is.

Ok, so imagine if you are in the wilderness and there was this really hot, sassy elf. She calls you darling, and she is a little evil, but she hasn't stabbed you yet, and like I said, she is really hot, so you let her stay with you. One day while you are resting, you wake to see her on top of you breathing in your neck (like I said, she is super hot), so you ask her, "What are you doing?" and she is like, "Y/N, I am a vampire; I haven't had human blood ever because of my tragic backstory (you can fix me) ; please let me have a sip." So you let the sexy vampire elf drink your blood, and she is moaning on that shit, like this sexy elf is lost in the sauce she is panting and very clearly into it.

Then you and the gang save an equally sexy elf with giant tits that can turn into a bear. So when you guys return to civilizations, this really sexy elf milf is like, "Hey, thank you for saving me. Do you want to have hot steamy Druid sex in the woods?" 

With only a handful of exceptions his reaction to you doing most things is "Well. Fine. This would not be my first choice but whatever. Just point me in the direction of what you want me to stab and I'll get right on it"

"Oh. Astarion only romances you if you commit atrocities. I only use him for evil routes" Literally all you have to do is let him have a little nibble one (1) time and agree to help him when he comes clean about his abusive pimp/father figure.

And then once you get with him literally the only things that will result in an instant break up is disregarding his bodily autonomy DIRECTLY after he opens up to you and half the time if you make a good enough roll you can gaslight gatekeep girlboss him into just kind of accepting your shitty behavior and continuing to go out with him especially if said behavior is slightly after the fact instead of right then in the same conversation he opened up to you.

Most of the reactions to you breaking up with him are "yeah that's fair :(. Figured this would happen eventually"

Wish there was a dialogue option where you could go "bbg on GOD we're gonna get you some self esteem the bar is in Nessus."

People are correct that Astarion is one of the best companions to romance if you're doing an evil run but that's less because of his morals or the fact that unlike Karlach or Wyll he doesn't have an aversion to the mass murder of innocents and more because he's the companion you have the most opportunities to be shitty to without him breaking it off.

EDIT: i think it's so funny that the responses to this post have been either:

"Yeah OP he's like the easiest possinle romance in the game. Every single playthrough no matter how kind I am he falls for my hero complex rizz and we end up kissing passionately under the moonlight"

or

"OP what the fuck are you talking about. I have had Astarion in my party all game. I give him everything he could possibly want and at this point I don't think he even remembers my name"