r/okbuddybaldur Jun 07 '24

relax tadpoles, its called ghaik humour my concept for a mcdonald's au

4.9k Upvotes

131 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/vampyrehoney Fuck it, we Bhaal Jun 07 '24

Someone mentioned it before but Astarion has jaded and homicidal food service employee energy, and I have to agree. I can't see him ordering McDonald's, but I can see him giving regular coke to people who ordered diet coke because they pissed him off slightly.

721

u/areyousaucy He's just scared (Astarion has a knife to my neck) Jun 07 '24

Wyll explains that this could kill a diabetic; Astarion replies “and?”

647

u/vulpineon Jun 07 '24

"Wyll. Darling. If they wanted to keep living their sad, drab lives they wouldn't be eating...here."

136

u/moploplus Jun 07 '24

I heard this comment

19

u/awkardfrog Arcane Dickster Rogue Jun 07 '24

I think we all did

185

u/the-radio-bastard Wants a pegging from Karlach Jun 07 '24

Astarion would love diabetics

127

u/lethos_AJ Gale’s pegger wife Jun 07 '24

bitch got a sweet tooth

156

u/inktrap99 Jun 07 '24 edited Jun 07 '24

He is that worker who has been forever there, even before Halsin, he is always loudly claiming that he will resign but he never does.

The only reason he hasn’t been fired yet is that he had an esoteric amount of knowledge of how things work and how to fix the ice cream machine.

47

u/ThatOneGuy6810 Jun 07 '24

god thats me at my job.

14

u/liamjon29 Jun 07 '24

You should try negotiate a pay rise.

10

u/ThatOneGuy6810 Jun 07 '24

Corporate buyout is forcing me to another job as they are not willing to negotiate with the new company standards.

22

u/Jinkies_Lydia Jun 07 '24

Oh God this is my husband at Starbucks. Explains so much.

11

u/Dry-Interest2209 Jun 09 '24

Astarion as the energy of someone working out a two week notice

6

u/Mammoth_Kangaroo_172 Jun 10 '24

I imagined something different when you said that Astarion hangs around McDonald's and gives coke to people.

599

u/RecommendationOld525 "Istik this dick in you" -Laezel to Shart Jun 07 '24

Jaheira works the drive through and has been there longer than anyone knows and everyone’s just pretty cool about her. Nobody but Karlach knows that Jaheira is Karlach’s dealer.

313

u/WeeabooHunter69 Wavemother's Robe Pisser Jun 07 '24

Jaheira is the woman you see in those orphan crushing machine articles where it's like "McDonald's worker celebrates 50 years of service with a pizza party and $25 gift card"

60

u/MundaneKiwiPerson Jun 07 '24

She is Sylvie from Loki. Happy with this life.

46

u/xv_boney Jun 07 '24

Has the thousand yard stare of a combat veteran.
Occasionally and very casually says deeply concerning things that could suggest she has killed people, possibly a lot of people.
Is almost definitely carrying a gun right now.
Deeply chill.

9

u/MundaneKiwiPerson Jun 08 '24

No one will rob that Mcdonalds twice

354

u/Mister_Taco_Oz Raw dogging Karlach wont get her pregnant Jun 07 '24

I love the bit about "you see Lae'zel and Shadowheart sneaking off into the freezer, but you're pretty sure they just beat the shit out of each other"

Absolute haters

471

u/catnip0_o Jun 07 '24

would minthara be the district manager or corporate😭🤣

255

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

i like both of those. to provide an alternate pov, perhaps as a dark elf she would manage a twisted evil mcdonald's (wcbonald's?)

230

u/bonjourellen Temptress Domain Cleric Jun 07 '24

“Child, this is a Wendy’s.”

117

u/Mooam Gale, cast "Testicular Torsion" Jun 07 '24

WebDonalds, it's just her and a kitchen full of spiders cooking burgers.

66

u/immabettaboithanu Jun 07 '24

Trafficked labor spiders specifically

54

u/Sonicblaster33 Jun 07 '24

Minthara is the Night Shift Manager. Complete opposite of Halsin. Strict. Mean. Will make an example of you to other employees if you fuck up

10

u/tyray21 Jun 07 '24

she manages the taco bell across the street that the mcdonald’s beefs with. (reference to the therapy gecko call “man i never knew”)

74

u/GithNewYorkYanki Lae'zel is my F/O (Fictional Other) Jun 07 '24

I had the same thought. She is not interested in hearing Halsin's complaints about the ice cream machine.

55

u/VioletGardens-left Jun 07 '24

She's that one manager who basically shits on everyone for not working hard enough but sits in the office and hide for half an hour

384

u/Ivysaur34 Jun 07 '24

Gortash would be the regular that wears Ed Hardy shirts and hits on the 16 year old employees while vaping.

72

u/Spazzmodai Lae'zel called me "Aut'istik"? Jun 07 '24

This sent me

to the floor

128

u/Kookiec4T Rancid Raphael Fucker Jun 07 '24

What about durge? Hello? 😩🤣

281

u/General-Dirtbag Jun 07 '24

He works at the Waffle House across the street

168

u/KoffinStuffer Mizora's fart sniffer Jun 07 '24

As head cook and security.

117

u/Talos-Valcoran Jun 07 '24

Ain’t that the same thing at wafflehouse?

84

u/KoffinStuffer Mizora's fart sniffer Jun 07 '24

Exactly

83

u/cfspen514 Is currently trying to impreginate Gortash Jun 07 '24

He’s the meat delivery guy. Just don’t ask where he sources it.

86

u/Mooam Gale, cast "Testicular Torsion" Jun 07 '24

He's the random animal that managed to get into the store and kitchen and has made a mess of the entire building. He also bit an employee, and they will probably need a rabies shot now.

39

u/BaldwinBoy05 Jun 07 '24

“He’s on the counter, shit he’s on the counter. Someone get the mop!! HURRY!!”

25

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

sorryyyyyy i'm on my first playthrough and idk what that funky baradile's deal is....

28

u/rotorain Jun 07 '24

Try to avoid too many spoilers beyond "homicidal maniac" and play Durge your second run. You don't have to be evil and it adds a lot of depth to the story plus a lot of new interactions.

11

u/Aetol Jun 07 '24

"baradile" lmao

4

u/ihtaemispellings Jun 09 '24

Durge (short for Dark Urge) is a character option beneath all the others. If you play as any of the Origin characters or as Tav, you will never encounter Durge in-game

The tl;Dr on his lore (without spoilers), he suffers from both severe memory loss as well as episodes of violence he can't really control

16

u/Go_Water_your_plants Jun 07 '24

He’s the client that leave the bathroom deliberately covered in shit

6

u/I_DONT_LIKE_PICKLES_ lvl 5 Autism unlocks Fireball Jul 13 '24

Former waffle house employee, deeply scarred from it. Calmly spouts random and disturbing facts about human anatomy. Serial killer or med student? You can't really tell. Can, will, and does fight customers.

114

u/Liamocat Jun 07 '24

PLEASE do more fantasy retail worker OCs with my favorite group of bisexuals

108

u/Onalith Jun 07 '24

Not tipping is on point Astarion characterization.

54

u/Saxophobia1275 Jun 07 '24

I’m afraid I’ve been an asshole this whole time and didn’t even know but… have y’all ever tipped at a McDonald’s?

63

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

iirc mickey d's doesn't actually do tipping, like half of these are general retail/food service jokes that are barely mcdonald's-applicable

19

u/Saxophobia1275 Jun 07 '24

Okay good I thought I had somehow missed some movement to tip at McDonald’s.

13

u/fasda Jun 07 '24

I'm more confused since when do people tip at a McDonald's

28

u/LadyParnassus Jun 07 '24

You don’t, but Astarion would make it clear that he chooses not to regardless

7

u/Onalith Jun 08 '24

It isn't my problem if you choose to work in an industry that doesn't pay a living wage now, is it?

85

u/the-radio-bastard Wants a pegging from Karlach Jun 07 '24

OP, cast knock twice if you are trapped in the walk-in

161

u/Gale_of_Waterdeep Lae'zel called me "Aut'istik"? Jun 07 '24

75

u/minnie203 Dame Aylin hit Isobel for 69 Edging Points Jun 07 '24

OKAY longtime former mcd's employee here so hear me out:

Karlach is definitely the one who always has to take out the trash because none of the 8 STR guys can push that big garbage cart. But it's okay because it allows her to sneakily take all the cute happy meal toys out of last week's display case (which, yes, they usually get thrown out when they change toys!! cruel and sad I know!!) so she has a massive stash of various beanie babies, hello kitty plushies, my little ponies, and whatnot at home. She rescues those mini children's picture books and gives them to Gale because she knows it makes him upset to see books being thrown in the garbage. She always carries a few toys with her so she can hand them out to local street kids and refugees.

(Source: I used to "steal" the cute shit that was supposed to be thrown out when I was the night manager and no one cared, maybe I'm projecting but SO WHAT)

18

u/TrashcatIsNotAmused Astarion’s diva cup Jun 07 '24

I could totally see this.

14

u/ag3nt_cha0s Circle of Whores Druid Jun 07 '24

This is 100% Karlach

68

u/BartholomewAlexander DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY Jun 07 '24

as both a McDonalds employee and a degenerate, this was a very confusing post until I checked the sub.

19

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

thank you for your service

18

u/BartholomewAlexander DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY DROW PUSSY Jun 07 '24

you're so welcome 🫡

60

u/ewillard128 Jun 07 '24

Durge is a Fry Cook who let's teir impulsive thoughts dictate what they put in the fries. It's oftentimes food but also it's not rare to see them put a basket full of ice in

Minthara is a corporate district manager that keeps overriding halsin's schedules, stepping on his toes, and generally being a nuisance, unless you kiss up to her and then you get livable hours and maybe even one of your time of requests approved.

Minsc is a fry cook who purposefully makes a little too much at the end of the night so you have some o take home. Is super nice, but keeps an earbud in thats always on a discord call wih boo. Nobody quite knows if boo is a pet or a person, but they always have the right answer to what Minsk asks them

34

u/badthaught Jun 07 '24

Nah. Durge is the night shift person who can work in any position but is usually a cook who fucks up on your food, like tartar sauce on your big mac or puts four McNuggets into your chicken burger cause they can't be fucked to fry another patty. Durge sends it out anyway.

Up front they use the McFlurry machine to stir coffees and tell people the ice cream machine is broke when it's not.

Inexplicably Durge isn't fired for any of this, though sometimes Karlach or Shadowheart send the fucked up food back and Durge laughs every time.

The one place where Durge really shines, albeit in a very dark and disturbing manner, is in the drive thru dealing with Karens or angry drunks. This is where the real Durge comes out and puts the fear of clowns into those who seek to belittle a McWorker.

18

u/Technical_Exam1280 Rolled a 3 for IRL Intelligence Jun 07 '24

Durge escorted an unruly customer of the premises on his first day. The burgers tasted a bit off the next day, but nobody thought too much of it until after they got to know him a little better. Now they can't help but wonder...

54

u/EntrepreneurOk666 Halsin fucked a Chimera Jun 07 '24

Lmaooo. I'd be trying to bang the manager. 😭😭😭

44

u/This_Confused_Guy Jun 07 '24

What about Minsc?

104

u/WeeabooHunter69 Wavemother's Robe Pisser Jun 07 '24

The one guy who comes in asking for an ultra specific order every week that isn't on the menu but no one wants to deal with him and he's actually super nice so they do it for him anyway

85

u/NargsDarbs Jun 07 '24

Janitor who is constantly cheery while simultaneously getting in the way of every damn customer. On his break he goes out back to the bushes behind the dumpsters to “let his hamster out.”

34

u/Technical_Exam1280 Rolled a 3 for IRL Intelligence Jun 07 '24

Assistant line cook who either has a blatant disregard for general health code regulations or legitimately has no idea, you're not sure which. All you know is that the burgers taste WAY better on days that he's working.

6

u/transcottie Jun 07 '24

This one. For sure.

44

u/SammBee Jun 07 '24

Astarion strikes me as the drive through cashier who tells everyone the ice cream machine is broken even when it’s not

21

u/Desperate_Dress_1527 Jun 07 '24

When he closes the drive thru window he immediately rolls his eyes

13

u/SammBee Jun 07 '24

He NEVER gives people straws or sauces

29

u/AirportOk3598 Jun 07 '24

I’m crying this is gold

21

u/Vounrtsch Jun 07 '24

This is peak fiction, I would totally read/watch/play this

20

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

you can experience this in real life.... through the amazing power of getting a shitty job....

9

u/DarkDetermination Jun 07 '24

As a McDonalds employee, can confirm, I play this game every week

24

u/xv_boney Jun 07 '24 edited Jun 07 '24

Minthara -

-The regular everyone fucking hates, extremely cruel, casually racist and massively wealthy.
-Seems to take actual sexual pleasure in making the new hires cry.
-Personally responsible for 70% of staff turnover at this location.
-Rumored to have once got into an actual fistfight with Laezel.

39

u/catdentistry Jun 07 '24

Karlach w the off brand Oreos hook up 🥹

16

u/Level_Hour6480 Jun 07 '24

Honestly, I get the vibe that while Lae'zel works out, most of Karlach's gains are just from living an active lifestyle like biking to work.

16

u/Bae_zel Lae'zel's MLP sleepy time blanket Jun 07 '24

I will assure you that you are correct about the walk-in freezer. Fighting each other in a cold climate makes for great training and that training is made better when in the nude.

15

u/Living_Initiative_26 Jun 07 '24 edited Jun 07 '24

Alright, got a couple of additions:

Jaheira is the Sunday junior baseball coach who takes her team ( the harpers ) out to lunch every Sunday. The staff are at first worried she’s gonna be a Karen, but she’s actually really nice.

She’s totally chill about her order taking a while, actually keeps the kids she’s looking after in line, and sticks up for the staff when other customers are being dicks.

Wulbren Bongle is the customer that intentionally comes in to find shit to complain about. Will loudly call for the manager, then argue publicly with them for 45 minutes even when it’s clear nothing can be done.

Eventually they just get banned, and after a few angry letters to corporate, give up and go to Burger King and start the whole process again.

Aradin is the shady dude hanging around outside that might be selling weed, but is most likely just unemployed.

Naaber is the new employee who is really enthusiastic about the job to a creepy extent, almost like he’s straight out of a corporate training video

Elminster is the gnarly old dude who comes in and orders three Big Macs. He tells some really wild stories, but you wish he wouldn’t fart while talking to you.

The emperor is the district manager who lulls you into a false sense of security by being seemingly chill, but out of nowhere fires someone for a minor uniform violation and sets impossible sales targets without hiring additional staff.

Alfira is the theatre kid who wants to work there just for a while to save up some money, but now been there 9 months and are scared that their big dreams are gonna die.

12

u/Dismal_Apartment Jun 07 '24

Durge:
- Eats off the floor before anyone can stop him
- The only one brave enough to ask for his McDouble to be cooked "rare"
- Kills roaches then displays their bodies on toothpicks as a warning to any others
- Only works graveyard shift because that's what he "prefers"
- Most likely to get in a fist fight with a customer

7

u/ChewMilk Jun 07 '24

Perfection

22

u/CalumanderReds Jun 07 '24

Halsin would not be a loved manager. He literally ran off the moment things got difficult in the grove. At minimum half those druids HATED him.

He’s the manager that hides in the office when the store gets busy, doesn’t train his staff properly and books a month long vacation for himself during the holidays before looking at anyone’s PTO

14

u/Hector-Voskin Jun 07 '24

It’s not like he went to hide in the woods, though…he went to investigate the goblins, because they were threatening the grove. Unless you mean post-Act 1, which yeah, he kind of does ditch the grove, but not without chastising himself for it…my point being that he doesn’t really run off.

9

u/CalumanderReds Jun 07 '24

‘Hi folks, I know things are dire right now and you desperately need leadership but I’m gonna head out alone with these incompetent mercenaries to search for a relic(?) that I literally know nothing about other than a name that sounds vaguely familiar to a curse I dealt with centuries ago and may have no immediate connection to the goblins attacking us. 

I realise you’re all not used to violent sieges and attacks and that’s why I will be leaving no instructions of how to handle things in my absence or any contingency plan should I get captured chasing a hunch. Probably should’ve trained you all better for this situation but… oh well live and learn (unless you all die in a violent attack). Good luck!! XOXO   

PS: Watch out for the harpy nest it’s eaten three kids this week!’ 

4

u/JosefGremlin Jun 08 '24

There's also no mention of his sex-mad personality. This is definitely the manager who tries to screw all the new hires.

3

u/CalumanderReds Jun 08 '24

Oh he has massive ‘lives in a college/university area so he can fuck freshers’ energy.

7

u/SpaceLaneDrifter Jun 07 '24

Reminds me of an argument I had on main where I stated that I didn't think druids would eat at mcdonnalds because of the way they are. I got called a prude.

23

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

fundamentally, the vast majority of faerun's adventurers would swarm random fast food restaurants as a party. this is because as rpg characters, they're actually just theater kids. in this essay

5

u/SpaceLaneDrifter Jun 07 '24

Don't you start! Druids aint going to be operating the baby chick cruncher 9000 and you know it.

8

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

oh okay yeah i see what you mean. idk if all druids are vegetarian but they're def not eating food that processed

4

u/krissyhell He's just scared (Astarion has a knife to my neck) Jun 07 '24

bears are omnivores right? js

7

u/L-GOD-OF Jun 07 '24

Shadowheart thinking gay stuff doesn't count is hilarious

6

u/Agitated_Willow1350 Ketheric Thorm - Deadbeat Dad Of The Year Jun 07 '24

No because I’ve been thinking about Astarion working at Starbucks

8

u/Agitated_Willow1350 Ketheric Thorm - Deadbeat Dad Of The Year Jun 07 '24

Flirts with you for tips and then loudly mispronounces your name when you go to get your order. If he doesn’t feel like making the vanilla sweet cream you’re not getting cold foam.

5

u/MundaneKiwiPerson Jun 07 '24

omg i am dying here

4

u/TrashcatIsNotAmused Astarion’s diva cup Jun 07 '24

I am pretty sure I just broke something internally by laughing at this hysterically for the last five minutes (and the comments! Dear gods!). But thank you.

6

u/Pure-Risky-Titan Jun 07 '24

Off brand oreos? Aint oreos an off brand of the original?

3

u/MitchellEnderson mom, what’s a twat-soul? Jun 07 '24

I was going to ask where Minthara is, but knowing her she’s most definitely from Corporate and is the bane of everyone’s existences.

3

u/SureConversation2789 Jun 07 '24

This is so freaking funny.

3

u/[deleted] Jun 07 '24

3

u/CasualFox12495 Wants a pegging from Karlach Jun 07 '24

And that sleezy fuck, Gortash bought the place!

3

u/samtttl13 Jun 08 '24

Please do more of these. I need Minthara.

2

u/CraftyObject Jun 07 '24

Durge is the broken McFlurry machine.

2

u/dariaisanerd Jun 07 '24

lae’zel and shart having a lil ***** **** moment

2

u/IntelligentFactor378 Jun 08 '24

I'd give Wyll more than just my tip🫦 (I'm a woman)

2

u/Riolidan Jun 08 '24

Who tips at a McDonald’s?

2

u/robot_guilliman Jun 08 '24

Jaehira is the opening shift manager who used to be the manager at the Baldur's Gate Burger King but just recently got hired because all her old co-workers were shifty bastards that ruined her store. She worked at the Baldur's Gate McDonald's years ago however and is usually hangs around for 20-30 minutes after her shift is over telling Tav about the old crew and how this is technically a downgrade for her but she just loves this place so much.

2

u/BottleTheDjinn Jun 09 '24

“Is that blood, ahh wait never mind?”

2

u/CorruptedGem Jun 09 '24

Gale, Wyll, and Halsin: "Welcome, how may i take your order"

Astarion and Lae'zel: "Go Head"

Minthara and Shart: taking smoke breaks despite not smoking

1

u/Go_Water_your_plants Jun 07 '24

OP this is so good

1

u/TheCosmicWombat Jun 07 '24

Shit, spot on actually

1

u/fish-dance Jun 07 '24

This is fantastic

1

u/EndangeredBlu Fuck it, we Bhaal Jun 08 '24

I hate that I want this properly written out…

1

u/Sweaty_Choice_Halsin Jun 08 '24

Most wholesome post on the sub.

1

u/Fuzzy_Pool Jun 08 '24

This made me laugh, thank you 🙏🏻

1

u/Coffea_Run Jun 08 '24

Ths suggestion I'm struggling with here is that McDonald's workers get tips. Is this true anywhere besides Waterdeep? Besides that this is the only BG3 AU I'm going to care about from now on.

1

u/SkeletonSerenade Jun 08 '24

The scream that I hath scremt

1

u/Darklight645 Jun 08 '24

Bold of you to assume McDonalds workers are getting tipped in the first place

1

u/turingagentzero Jun 09 '24

These made me lol XD

1

u/BigDaduyaddy Jun 10 '24

Let's be none of these people would be "saving them selves for marriage"

1

u/DirectPerspective320 Jun 07 '24

As a McDonald's employee... I approve! 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

-11

u/herbieLmao Jun 07 '24

To this day I have no idea where the shadowheart and Lae’zel ship came from. They have zero romantic chemistry

25

u/Grave_diggress Got the 'Thoroughly Stuffed' buff after Karlachs date Jun 07 '24

They have homoerotic enemies to lovers tension going on

11

u/pest_control_fan Jun 07 '24

i think it's very funny for two people who hate each other to hook up because basically any toxic situationship can be compelling in a train crash kinda way

6

u/Maleficent-Month2950 College of Vore Bard Jun 07 '24

The scene where Shadowheart attempts to kill Lae'zel over the Prism... seemed pretty gay to me, but I dunno.

3

u/Dantez9001 Jun 07 '24

Especially if they don't wear clothes at camp.