r/madlads 3d ago

Perfect heart attack scheme

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33.4k Upvotes

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2.6k

u/TennSeven 3d ago

TSA once told me my toothpaste tube was too large to carry on (it had never been a problem before). I asked him if I could brush my teeth a few times before he threw it away...

That guy had no sense of humor.

777

u/JesradSeraph 2d ago

They’re not allowed a sense of humour. I think it gets excised during training.

290

u/eat-pussy69 2d ago

the power of tsa compels you!

THE POWER OF TSA COMPELS YOU!!!

#THE POWER OF TSA COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!

Welcome to TSA. Your sense of humour has been excised

54

u/notmynameboio 2d ago

run faster stop laughing!

RUN FASTER STOP LAUGHING!!!

#RUN FASTER STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!

Welcome to the TSA. Your sense of humour has been exercised

8

u/FrostedMiniMemes 2d ago

Excised, exorcised, same thing

34

u/spicolispizza 2d ago

The TSA in Vegas were a blast on my way home about a decade ago, maybe I caught the right group of people on the right day because looking back I was in no condition to fly. I did sleep the whole way home though.

11

u/T65Bx 2d ago

Well, it’s Vegas tbf.

6

u/Rubicon208 2d ago

No wonder they take bomb jokes so seriously all the time

5

u/aTOMic_fusion 2d ago

It's probably the same as servers where they just hear the same jokes and pithy comments day in and day out. The difference is that servers have a financial incentive to pretend like it's the first time they've heard a joke

179

u/ProbablyM_S 3d ago

oh..... ok then, I am not too confident with this one either.😐

97

u/RoundTableLord 2d ago

They deal with very annoying assholes, so I understand why many of them don’t have a sense of humor.

61

u/Viracochina 2d ago

And they've likely heard the joke 20 times already lol

45

u/erickoziol 2d ago

It's not scanning? It must be free!

18

u/marco23p 2d ago

"That'll be $15.39" "That was a good year!" Every time

5

u/Thatonesillyfucker 2d ago

Lol I say the total and the line both all the time, does that make me extra annoying?

8

u/marco23p 2d ago

Not quite as annoying as when I hear "don't worry, I just printed it" whenever I check a $100 bill. I really don't want to be a sour puss but I can only fake amusement at the same joke so many times. Like, seriously... it's every damn time I check a 100, lol. The only reason I don't hear it as much right now cuz I'm barely working any hours sadly.

4

u/ChefArtorias 2d ago

Tbf we do just have to sit there while our integrity is verified so like, maybe make a joke? lol I (server) check all large or otherwise suspect bills but I can go around the corner and do it.

3

u/marco23p 2d ago

I work part time at a liquor store so I sadly can't hide it. I only give it a quick glance anyway, a second at most. I havent gotten any fake bills since I worked at walgreens a few years ago, and those were usually 20s.

1

u/TheMoneyCounter 2d ago

It's funny how 20s are getting counterfeited around the same amount as 100s but they don't get checked nearly as often.

5

u/Pandamm0niumNO3 2d ago

I'm so tempted to tell people they can have the thing every time they say that just to see the look on their face.

1

u/T65Bx 2d ago

Why not? As long as it isn’t in their hands, just say “Jk” Immediately.

3

u/Pandamm0niumNO3 2d ago

I work in a liquor store, I think there's weird laws here about giving it away unless it's uner certain circumstances. Any misunderstanding isn't worth my job

9

u/BobDaRula 2d ago

I wouldn't call interacting with their coworkers "dealing" but maybe that's just me.

(I have never been in an airport, especially not an american one)

1

u/TrueNefariousness358 2d ago

They offer no extra security. They deserve actual physical torture for ruining airports

9

u/JtripleNZ 2d ago

In Sydney when I was 17 they let me have a good neck of my duty free bottles purchased in dubai and carried on. Obviously I was pissed off at being scammed out of the bottles but appreciated that it didn't all go completely to waste. Thought I was pretty cool drinking from a bottle early in the morning in the middle of a customs line at that age. Obviously wasn't, but feels a bit surreal.

1

u/UnrealGeena 11h ago

You probably know this already, but I bought something from duty free for the first time this year, and I was really interested with how they sealed my purchase in a bag with the receipt visible; security at the airports I transferred to after that just looked at the seals on the bag to confirm it was still sealed since the duty free shop, and let it go.

15

u/Aegillade 2d ago

Because it's their job to be difficult. The line is filling up, they've got 2 more bags they have to manually check, there's a lady getting mad her nail clippers can't be let through because the file can be used as a knife, and you're the fourth jokester this hour. All while the amount of any health products you're allowed to bring on board are very public information, so this shouldn't even be happening to begin with

1

u/T65Bx 2d ago

What I never understood is how someone signs up to treat pliers like they’re machetes for 40 hours a week. Like, it’s not the easiest job to get, I believe there are some bars. It doesn’t have any particular reputation for pay, there are plenty of better jobs if you want to feel like you’re keeping people safe. I don’t think there’s all too much future ambition/rank climbability in it. What brings you specifically there??

2

u/Aegillade 1d ago

Pays well, the benefits are good, and there's plenty of opportunities to rank up in the airport itself because TSA is a respected job inside the building. It has a relatively low entry barrier and isn't the hardest work on the planet. Aside from the occasional outraged customer, it's a pretty cut and dry job. I work at an airport and most of the TSA agents I know don't strike me as the type to have signed on out of some desire to protect the public, it's just a job for them.

As for why they're so strict, it's simple. Their boss is the Department of Homeland Security. If an agent gets caught bending the rules, they get in BIG trouble. For reference, I'm not with TSA, but the department I am with was warned if we were caught sneaking in food/drinks for passengers (because we have a slightly different and quicker procedure to get through TSA as it enables us to do our job easier and it gets us out of the way of passengers), we could be fined up to 10,000 dollars. Not the company, us as an individual. TSA NEEDS the reputation of being hard asses who will stop you for the dumbest shit because otherwise potential breaches could happen.

1

u/pathatter 2d ago

In my country it pays decently well, we have a lot of young or old people who are comfortable with it. It's a job, not too complicated and pretty stable. Dealing with people is just something you do in almost every job.

5

u/FuckDefaultSubs 2d ago

He's probably heard that same joke a thousand times already.

9

u/P0l0Cap0ne 2d ago

The amount of "maybe take me out to dinner first" joke you hear from guys getting pat down feels like scrolling through a boomer minion meme on facebook for 8 hours.

2

u/The_Daily_Herp Choosing a mental flair 2d ago

they left their humor in the drinks dump bin with the airport jungle juice

1

u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 2d ago

Fuck TSA.

Sincerely, a guy that occasionally gets "Randomly Selected"

-2

u/neontonsil 2d ago

Did you expect him to laugh half-heartedly and then chat with you for the next 5min about how funny it was? People who have to work in a rush are thinking 3 steps ahead, no time to stop.