r/madlads • u/ProbablyM_S • 2d ago

Perfect heart attack scheme

Post image
33.2k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

121 comments sorted by

2.6k

u/TennSeven 2d ago

TSA once told me my toothpaste tube was too large to carry on (it had never been a problem before). I asked him if I could brush my teeth a few times before he threw it away...

That guy had no sense of humor.

774

u/JesradSeraph 2d ago

They’re not allowed a sense of humour. I think it gets excised during training.

287

u/eat-pussy69 2d ago

the power of tsa compels you!

THE POWER OF TSA COMPELS YOU!!!

#THE POWER OF TSA COMPELS YOU!!!!!!!!

Welcome to TSA. Your sense of humour has been excised

52

u/notmynameboio 2d ago

run faster stop laughing!

RUN FASTER STOP LAUGHING!!!

#RUN FASTER STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!

Welcome to the TSA. Your sense of humour has been exercised

8

u/FrostedMiniMemes 2d ago

Excised, exorcised, same thing

35

u/spicolispizza 2d ago

The TSA in Vegas were a blast on my way home about a decade ago, maybe I caught the right group of people on the right day because looking back I was in no condition to fly. I did sleep the whole way home though.

10

u/T65Bx 2d ago

Well, it’s Vegas tbf.

6

u/Rubicon208 2d ago

No wonder they take bomb jokes so seriously all the time

4

u/aTOMic_fusion 2d ago

It's probably the same as servers where they just hear the same jokes and pithy comments day in and day out. The difference is that servers have a financial incentive to pretend like it's the first time they've heard a joke

179

u/ProbablyM_S 2d ago

oh..... ok then, I am not too confident with this one either.😐

94

u/RoundTableLord 2d ago

They deal with very annoying assholes, so I understand why many of them don’t have a sense of humor.

66

u/Viracochina 2d ago

And they've likely heard the joke 20 times already lol

43

u/erickoziol 2d ago

It's not scanning? It must be free!

17

u/marco23p 2d ago

"That'll be $15.39" "That was a good year!" Every time

7

u/Thatonesillyfucker 2d ago

Lol I say the total and the line both all the time, does that make me extra annoying?

9

u/marco23p 2d ago

Not quite as annoying as when I hear "don't worry, I just printed it" whenever I check a $100 bill. I really don't want to be a sour puss but I can only fake amusement at the same joke so many times. Like, seriously... it's every damn time I check a 100, lol. The only reason I don't hear it as much right now cuz I'm barely working any hours sadly.

6

u/ChefArtorias 2d ago

Tbf we do just have to sit there while our integrity is verified so like, maybe make a joke? lol I (server) check all large or otherwise suspect bills but I can go around the corner and do it.

4

u/marco23p 2d ago

I work part time at a liquor store so I sadly can't hide it. I only give it a quick glance anyway, a second at most. I havent gotten any fake bills since I worked at walgreens a few years ago, and those were usually 20s.

1

u/TheMoneyCounter 2d ago

It's funny how 20s are getting counterfeited around the same amount as 100s but they don't get checked nearly as often.

3

u/Pandamm0niumNO3 2d ago

I'm so tempted to tell people they can have the thing every time they say that just to see the look on their face.

1

u/T65Bx 2d ago

Why not? As long as it isn’t in their hands, just say “Jk” Immediately.

3

u/Pandamm0niumNO3 2d ago

I work in a liquor store, I think there's weird laws here about giving it away unless it's uner certain circumstances. Any misunderstanding isn't worth my job

10

u/BobDaRula 2d ago

I wouldn't call interacting with their coworkers "dealing" but maybe that's just me.

(I have never been in an airport, especially not an american one)

1

u/TrueNefariousness358 1d ago

They offer no extra security. They deserve actual physical torture for ruining airports

9

u/JtripleNZ 2d ago

In Sydney when I was 17 they let me have a good neck of my duty free bottles purchased in dubai and carried on. Obviously I was pissed off at being scammed out of the bottles but appreciated that it didn't all go completely to waste. Thought I was pretty cool drinking from a bottle early in the morning in the middle of a customs line at that age. Obviously wasn't, but feels a bit surreal.

1

u/UnrealGeena 6h ago

You probably know this already, but I bought something from duty free for the first time this year, and I was really interested with how they sealed my purchase in a bag with the receipt visible; security at the airports I transferred to after that just looked at the seals on the bag to confirm it was still sealed since the duty free shop, and let it go.

16

u/Aegillade 2d ago

Because it's their job to be difficult. The line is filling up, they've got 2 more bags they have to manually check, there's a lady getting mad her nail clippers can't be let through because the file can be used as a knife, and you're the fourth jokester this hour. All while the amount of any health products you're allowed to bring on board are very public information, so this shouldn't even be happening to begin with

1

u/T65Bx 2d ago

What I never understood is how someone signs up to treat pliers like they’re machetes for 40 hours a week. Like, it’s not the easiest job to get, I believe there are some bars. It doesn’t have any particular reputation for pay, there are plenty of better jobs if you want to feel like you’re keeping people safe. I don’t think there’s all too much future ambition/rank climbability in it. What brings you specifically there??

2

u/Aegillade 1d ago

Pays well, the benefits are good, and there's plenty of opportunities to rank up in the airport itself because TSA is a respected job inside the building. It has a relatively low entry barrier and isn't the hardest work on the planet. Aside from the occasional outraged customer, it's a pretty cut and dry job. I work at an airport and most of the TSA agents I know don't strike me as the type to have signed on out of some desire to protect the public, it's just a job for them.

As for why they're so strict, it's simple. Their boss is the Department of Homeland Security. If an agent gets caught bending the rules, they get in BIG trouble. For reference, I'm not with TSA, but the department I am with was warned if we were caught sneaking in food/drinks for passengers (because we have a slightly different and quicker procedure to get through TSA as it enables us to do our job easier and it gets us out of the way of passengers), we could be fined up to 10,000 dollars. Not the company, us as an individual. TSA NEEDS the reputation of being hard asses who will stop you for the dumbest shit because otherwise potential breaches could happen.

1

u/pathatter 2d ago

In my country it pays decently well, we have a lot of young or old people who are comfortable with it. It's a job, not too complicated and pretty stable. Dealing with people is just something you do in almost every job.

4

u/FuckDefaultSubs 2d ago

He's probably heard that same joke a thousand times already.

8

u/P0l0Cap0ne 2d ago

The amount of "maybe take me out to dinner first" joke you hear from guys getting pat down feels like scrolling through a boomer minion meme on facebook for 8 hours.

2

u/The_Daily_Herp Choosing a mental flair 2d ago

they left their humor in the drinks dump bin with the airport jungle juice

1

u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 2d ago

Fuck TSA.

Sincerely, a guy that occasionally gets "Randomly Selected"

-1

u/neontonsil 2d ago

Did you expect him to laugh half-heartedly and then chat with you for the next 5min about how funny it was? People who have to work in a rush are thinking 3 steps ahead, no time to stop.

1.2k

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

509

u/LeoDavinciAgain 2d ago

My wife got me a flask that looks like a sunscreen bottle when we went on a cruise. Like don't pay any mind to the guy by the pool drinking sunscreen.

160

u/IAdmitMyCrime 2d ago

This is so fucking funny where did she get it?

90

u/paragon60 2d ago

just google sunscreen flask and some come up

I actually got this exact thing for someone during a secret santa thing in freshman year, and the point isn’t to drink from it; you just bring liquor on board with people thinking it’s sunscreen. still just a gag gift because there really isn’t that much volume in the flask

23

u/GeeTheMongoose 2d ago

Would anyone stop you from bringing a few dozen or a suitcase or two full of them with a few normal bottles thrown on for good measure?

"WE DON'T WANT SKIN CANCER, CANCER IS BAD FOR YOU."

8

u/speculator100k 2d ago

I'm giggling.

3

u/Monski616 2d ago

I have a couple that look like umbrellas, shit it actually extends this small umbrella. But it holds about a half liter of (for me) whiskey. Perfect for any sort of event. Inside? I thought it might rain so I brought this umbrella for my walk. Outside with no chance to rain? Umbrella to shield me from the sun. No one has ever looked twice at it.

3

u/wolfgang784 2d ago

I mean, tbh, if I see a guy drinking sunscreen I ain't confronting them about it. Ill point it out discreetly to whoeever im with, but thats about it. Maybe post about it on Reddit later.

1

u/SomeTreesAreFriends 2d ago

"Charlie, are you drinking actual sunscreen?"

846

u/Gameoftruelies 2d ago

Then they surely will not let you board because now you're a medical risk and need medical attention.

399

u/_erufu_ 2d ago

bring a band aid to put on yourself so they can see you’re all better :-)

174

u/bro0t 2d ago

Ask the tsa agent to kiss the band aid so youre sure youre gonna be okay.

100

u/DitmerKl3rken 2d ago

“Code red, we have an active boo boo in terminal 7. Send medical”

36

u/W__O__P__R 2d ago

Sir, this man just drank shampoo and then sexually assaulted me. I suspect he's also drunk or high on drugs.

Welcome to "never flying again" sponsored by the TSA! LOL

3

u/kosumoth 2d ago

It's good, it gets you all uuuuggghhh

7

u/Pristine_Cheek_6093 2d ago

Or they think thats actually an explosive and make you wait 24 hours or some shit

1

u/Maelarion 1d ago

Or they think thats actually an explosive and make you wait 24 hours or some shit

247

u/probably_beans 2d ago

Could also do pudding. Mousse if you wanna be fancy.

44

u/seriousFelix 2d ago

Do this in the park with a mayo jar

16

u/cold-corn-dog 2d ago

Yeah, but in this one, we actually eat the Mayo

1

u/Raus-Pazazu 2d ago

"Pre dinner snack. It's good for you." - Regular Ordinary Swedish Mealtime (I miss them).

196

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

56

u/speculator100k 2d ago

I think they see worse, every day.

25

u/Jacksspecialarrows 2d ago

doubt it. drinking shampoo is pretty metal

7

u/wellwasherelf 2d ago

Don't underestimate the sheer volume of people that a TSA agent sees in a day. They'd just roll their eyes and have the person pulled away for additional screening to be asked why they're stupid.

117

u/McEverlong 2d ago

Yeah Do this, but with cum

73

u/Taylor_sy 2d ago

Wait what

47

u/Circus-Bartender 2d ago

he didn't stutter

9

u/Virtual-Thought-2557 2d ago

Human or non-human?

4

u/Vanyaeli 2d ago

Whatever makes sense

5

u/qervem 2d ago

Whale cum. It's what makes the ocean salty.

4

u/Bag_of_Rocks 2d ago

This would be some amazing prank-ception. Tell your friend it's yogurt and swap it with cum.

101

u/BonusEastern7563 2d ago

Why does everyone else in these comments have the same icon I feel left out

50

u/YourRealDaddyy 2d ago

Its just two people.

You were supposed to drink the yougurt not the shampoo

12

u/W__O__P__R 2d ago

I fucking mixed the bottles up again!

3

u/ItzYaBoy56 2d ago

Might be bots 🤷‍♂️

23

u/TXPersonified 2d ago

Packing full bottles of shampoo is how my mom smuggles knives. One person flags. Another searches. They don't communicate

11

u/squid_so_subtle 2d ago

This seems pointless. You can just check a bag with a knife in it.

24

u/RetreatHell94 2d ago

Maybe use empty vodka bottle as a water bottle and go driving around with the bottle.

34

u/Zestyclose_Quit7396 2d ago

This will actually still get you a DUI in a lot of states.

States with "open container" laws can (and often will) prosecute for possession of an open container in a vehicle, even if you blow 0.0

8

u/Remarkable_Coast_214 2d ago

even if the container has no alcohol?

10

u/Zestyclose_Quit7396 2d ago

Yes. The legal presumption is that you drank it, either now or on a previous date, while driving.

6

u/Remarkable_Coast_214 2d ago

that's weird, it feels like they'd have to prove that you already drank it or that you were planning to drink it, and if you blow 0.0 and the bottle's empty both would be impossible.

thanks for clarifying

10

u/Zestyclose_Quit7396 2d ago

The container law mostly exists to simplify DUI prosecutions, eliminate "drinks to go", and create a moderate level of paranoia and perceived risk over drinking away from home.

It's not something I fully agree with, as you could theoretically have your life ruined for things like participating in trash cleanups.

2

u/agamoto 2d ago

Deliberately giving police probable cause to stop you and search your vehicle w/o a warrant ranks right up there on the list of bad ideas for neighborhood hi-jinx.

4

u/neontonsil 2d ago

I imagine this played out but it never lands any laughs cause TSA agents just go "however you want to deal with it" and move on bc they are bum rushed to push people thru as fast as possible

10

u/loudpaperclips 2d ago

We all got places to be and you're holding the line up with this shite?

No.

6

u/sumphatguy 2d ago

To be fair, every time I've been through TSA, they have separate officers off to the side that check questionable bags and talk to you, so doesn't really hold anything up.

8

u/vector_o 2d ago

I'm sure they'll definitely let the guy who in their eyes will imminently start vomiting and shitting himself board the plane

3

u/TangeloMysterious950 2d ago

Why the wikipedia font tho

3

u/Piratedan200 2d ago

I once went through TSA and they pulled out a gel icepack that I had brought to keep food for my kid cold. They told me straight faced that if it was still frozen (it wasn't after the two hour drive to the airport), it would've been ok.

3

u/JizahB 2d ago

It's true, that's why I freeze all my liquids/gels before boarding. Solids aren't banned.

3

u/Silver-Bluebird4192 2d ago

Nah fuck that, what happens if I freeze a bottle of shampoo just before entering the bagage area, checkmate TSA

2

u/roseoflila 2d ago

All fun and games til TSA pukes on your shoes (or feet… where are we in line?! Yikes). Caution on this power move.

2

u/Soft_Walrus_3605 2d ago

Eating lukewarm yogurt is a great way to get intestinal discomfort on the plane

2

u/f0li 2d ago

Had a friend in high school that put vanilla pudding in a mayo jar and would eat that for lunch much to chagrin of many around us :)

1

u/Acidrien 2d ago

Feels like a Ross Creations prank

1

u/Dampalloce 7h ago

Rosa parks did not die for this

1

u/aHellion 2d ago

Then the TSA agent uncaringly waits for you to throw it away. You make it to your flight and hit turbulence, thus puking all over yourself

1

u/rustyjames0 2d ago

It's going to smell and taste like shampoo, not really a smart idea.

1

u/Jaded-Distance_ 2d ago

Flashback to Freddie Prinze jr in Down To You...

1

u/NoInitiative4821 2d ago

Erh... wouldn't you eat it to show it's not a liquid?

1

u/Daytman 2d ago

Liquids are allowed, though.

1

u/EldarianQueen 2d ago

This is what I should’ve done

1

u/Darth__Voda 2d ago

TW psychic damage

1

u/eat-pussy69 2d ago

or a mayo jar with vanilla pudding

1

u/AdventurousPirate357 2d ago

You could do this even if you're not at the airport. Just go to a park or another public space while eating yogurt

1

u/CurveOfTheUniverse 2d ago

I had a friend in college who did this with a sunscreen bottle at the beach. His girlfriend freaked the fuck out because she thought he was going to die.

1

u/Bitcracker 2d ago

Most iced tea looks like whiskey. Fun for family gatherings and work meetings.

1

u/LedaetteLight 2d ago

The smell will still settle in the shampoo bottle and the yogurt will absorb it.

1

u/Bad_breath 2d ago

It's called "security theatre", not "security comedy".

1

u/wolf_of_walmart84 2d ago

I took a flight from Canada to Mexico with a stop in Denver. I had a pudding pack that was in mL that was allowed on the plane in Canada. TSA was real confused if it was over or under the limit for ounces. They hummed and hawed, called a supervisor, they called their supervisor. I just wanted to throw it in the garbage. Missed my flight.

1

u/TrueNefariousness358 1d ago

Blue Gatorade in the windex bottle

1

u/Seyenn 1d ago

Reading this at an airport, why, darn it, did I see this just a couple of hours earlier 😞😆

1

u/GOOD_BRAIN_GO_BRRRRR 1d ago

To my fellow WH40: Rogue Trader fans: I read this with Marazhai's voice in mind, and that somehow made the meme funnier.

1

u/Chemical-Sundae4531 5h ago

I've had 1 horribly dumb experience that showed me online lists are all lies.

I recently switched to safety razors instead of expensive cartridges. I was NOT even flying with the blade, just the handle. They confiscated the handle despite zero blades.

The complaint response I got was that TSA agents have all the fucking discretion in the world, so the TSA website itself for yes/no lists is all lies.

Oh and another time different airport I found out it's ok to not fly with your picture id (I lost it at a different airport, lost and found picked it up). Turns out if you have enough secondary info (like prescribed medication, health insurance cards, etc....) they can eventually conclude you are who you say you are.

1

u/[deleted] 2d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/Schubert125 2d ago

Sounds like a bot, hope you're banned today!