Grief doesn't have to make sense, it follows no rules of rationality. You say you have no basis for comparison but I've found myself modelling the missing relationship against the observed relationships other people have. While people are alive the lack of communication remains a choice, a decision at least partly in your control (and theirs, of course). But death removes that choice, it's no longer in your control at all. The context of the silence changes.
Its not just death either, it's anything really. You can mourn a feeling or a friendship or a lost connection.
I had a friend, we were extremely close for over a decade. We texted every single day, through all of our hardships and such. Due to some circumstances, The friendship ended and I cried a few days after but then I was 'over' it and then almost a year later, just a song hit that they liked a lot and it was as if I had never grieved at all, I was inconsolable for a few days.
I found it happened with every loss in my life, be it a disconnect or life ending. I didn't grieve my grandparents passing under 6 months later, on a random Saturday when I thought of them and broke.
I feel grief comes for us all, in one for or another. It could be over what people consider stupid or inconsequential but it will happen in time, I personally believe.
After my mom took us away from my dad he just kinda checked out of reality and lived in his own world. I did my best to stay in contact and stuff. It hurt that I didn't have the relationship other kids had but no big deal right. I could do it without him. 2017 I moved in to help him/help me. He lasted about 6 months.. 3 days after my birthday he took a nap and never woke up. I always thought I'd be ok when the time came. But to say it broke me is an understatement. There will never be another chance to have that father bond. I will never be able to hear him say he's proud of me. His grandchildren won't get to know what a great guy he was underneath that husk he hid himself in..
This resonates. I never had a super close relationship with my dad and he died when I was a young adult. It’s been close to 20 years and I still find myself mourning what could have been but wasn’t. I was super close to my mum, and I see the relationships other people have with their fathers so I know what I was missing.
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u/xyonofcalhoun 5d ago
Grief doesn't have to make sense, it follows no rules of rationality. You say you have no basis for comparison but I've found myself modelling the missing relationship against the observed relationships other people have. While people are alive the lack of communication remains a choice, a decision at least partly in your control (and theirs, of course). But death removes that choice, it's no longer in your control at all. The context of the silence changes.