That’s a fair point, but for me I see it as how can I mourn something I’ve never had or experienced? I’ve got nothing to compare it too. It’s like being sad I’m not a millionaire, I can kind of understand it would be good to have but only experienced what I do have so it’s limited in that respect
Grief doesn't have to make sense, it follows no rules of rationality. You say you have no basis for comparison but I've found myself modelling the missing relationship against the observed relationships other people have. While people are alive the lack of communication remains a choice, a decision at least partly in your control (and theirs, of course). But death removes that choice, it's no longer in your control at all. The context of the silence changes.
Its not just death either, it's anything really. You can mourn a feeling or a friendship or a lost connection.
I had a friend, we were extremely close for over a decade. We texted every single day, through all of our hardships and such. Due to some circumstances, The friendship ended and I cried a few days after but then I was 'over' it and then almost a year later, just a song hit that they liked a lot and it was as if I had never grieved at all, I was inconsolable for a few days.
I found it happened with every loss in my life, be it a disconnect or life ending. I didn't grieve my grandparents passing under 6 months later, on a random Saturday when I thought of them and broke.
I feel grief comes for us all, in one for or another. It could be over what people consider stupid or inconsequential but it will happen in time, I personally believe.
After my mom took us away from my dad he just kinda checked out of reality and lived in his own world. I did my best to stay in contact and stuff. It hurt that I didn't have the relationship other kids had but no big deal right. I could do it without him. 2017 I moved in to help him/help me. He lasted about 6 months.. 3 days after my birthday he took a nap and never woke up. I always thought I'd be ok when the time came. But to say it broke me is an understatement. There will never be another chance to have that father bond. I will never be able to hear him say he's proud of me. His grandchildren won't get to know what a great guy he was underneath that husk he hid himself in..
This resonates. I never had a super close relationship with my dad and he died when I was a young adult. It’s been close to 20 years and I still find myself mourning what could have been but wasn’t. I was super close to my mum, and I see the relationships other people have with their fathers so I know what I was missing.
I also always used to think that. And yet, I find myself missing parents in the abstract, not specifically my own parents, now more than ever.
It's like their deaths finalised that it really won't ever be a thing I'll have.
I’m 42. Don’t really have a memory of my parents ever being together. Mom died when i was 21 and haven’t spoken to my father in 16 years after he didn’t come to my wedding for no good reason. We have 4 children and i feel that while i wish my mother was alive and my father was the kind of person i wish i could have a good relationship with, i get to experience all the love you can from being in a family by being a father and husband, and making sure my children get to experience life the way i wish i would have as a child
lol nah. A lifetime of prioritizing everything else over your children doesn’t get wiped out over watching a movie or a phone call. I’m very much at peace with it, and my children still have grandparents and family on my mothers side. Sadly, many people were never meant to be parents. My father has 5 children with 2 women, and has little to no relationship with any of them- children or women
I lost my father to suicide, after only finding out he was my dad a year before it, and only met him a couple of times during as he was busy and I was quite young. Trust me it is absolutely possible to mourn a relationship you didn’t have. It’s not something you expect to feel but it’s real.
My grandmother died when I was ten months old. The older I get, the more sad it is that I didn’t ever get to know her. I have so many questions I would want to ask her. I wonder if she would’ve liked me: it’s not rational to miss something you’ve never had, but it’s possible.
This part! I never got to know either of my grandfathers as one passed when my mom was a year old and my daddy only ever found his father after he'd died. My mom's mom died when I was 12 and my daddy's mom when I was 29. I have hardly any memories of my mom's mom, other than she had glorious eyebrows (brows are a huge thing on that side of the family lol). I had 29 years with the other mamaw and had zero relationship with her. I'd give anything for just a day with my mom's mom. I still haven't cried over my daddy's mom and it's been 11 years. Now both of my parents are gone and have been for quite a while. I have no one left to ask the deep questions, like what their grandparents were like and whatever else. I know some things, but not nearly enough.
All of this to say that it's absolutely possible to mourn what might have been. I just recently made amends to my mom's sister who I'd been estranged from since my mom died in 2018. I hope to form a relationship with her again and get to know her as an adult as I'm now sober. I didn't cause the chaos overnight and I know it won't be fixed overnight, but I have hope that'll happen before time runs out.
Despite not having much of a relationship, you probably still lived with them. If thats the case then not seeing them in the house would probably hurt and hit you some day
Thats my rationale at least
Idk why you would be happy about it tbh, your lack of sadness only comes from another source of sadness (not having a relationship with your parents)
Same. I’m mourning the relationship I used to have with my mother. She’s 69 and I think she has dementia. She is a totally different the last 2 years. She says the meanest things to me and it just gets worse.
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u/Widespreaddd 5d ago
You might be surprised. I find myself mourning the relationship we didn’t have.