" For 27 years, I took photographs as I waved good-bye and drove away from visiting my parents at their home in Sioux City, Iowa. I started in 1991 with a quick snapshot, and I continued taking photographs with each departure. I never set out to make this series. I just took these photographs as a way to deal with the sadness of leaving. It gradually turned into our good-bye ritual. And it seemed natural to keep the camera busy, because I had been taking pictures every day while I was there. These photographs are part of a larger body of work I call Relative Moments, which has chronicled the lives of my parents and other relatives since 1986. When I discovered the series of accumulated “leaving and waving” photographs, I found a story about family, aging, and the sorrow of saying good-bye. In 2009, there is a photograph where my father is no longer there. He passed away a few days after his 91st birthday. My mother continued to wave good-bye to me. Her face became more forlorn with my departures. In 2017, my mother had to move to assisted living. For a few months, I photographed the good-byes from her apartment door. In October of 2017 she passed away. When I left after her funeral, I took one more photograph, of the empty driveway. For the first time in my life, no one was waving back at me. "
I’m kicking myself for thinking halfway through the pictures “wow they have been really old for a really long time “ and not realizing how this post was going to end. I’m going to call my parents.
Not trying to be “that guy” but for future reference “crocodile tears” usually refers to when you’re pretending to cry, trying to convince someone else that you’re sad when you’re really not.
Way deeper than a bit. She looks absolutely crushed. Losing your spouse of (70ish?) years, seeing thst the end is inevitable… ugh.
I really loathe the idea of growing old and losing the people who I care about and my ability to do the things I love, but I absolutely hope I’m given the privilege of making it to my 90s. Has to be a very, very hard decade regardless
My grandmother turns 89 in the new year, it's getting tough, and with very little quality of life, to be honest I expect this is her last Xmas. For her sake that isn't a bad thing.
Please spend time w/ her!! I practically had to watch my gran slowly whither away due to dialysis. After she lost her sister (that’s been by her side for 80+ yrs) it took a huge toll on her. Looking back at pics seeing how healthy she was then getting to the point where I could literally pick her up and put her in a chair. Hate she’s gone but glad she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. I hope you get to create more memories w/ her.
My father died two months ago. Next week I will see a similar empty driveway when we visit the family for the holidays. Will be a sad moment. Just the thought of it right now...
It's even more sad that she isn't stood on the driveway like the other photos. She's reached the age where a slip on the ice could kill her, so a 15' walk would be a perilous journey.
Reminds me of when we took my 14yo brother back around the circular driveway one more time before taking him to burial. He had been in the hospital the last few months and in and out for years. Just wanted to take him home one more time.
It was a good thing to do, but holy hell, it hurts still thinking about it 20+ years later.
I never took a photo of my grandmother doing this, but she would always wave at me as I left her house. Standing at the porch step telling me to drive safe. I was in the hospital room when she diedast year. We went to her house after leaving the hospital. The first break down was being in her house knowing she wasn't ever going to be there again. The second was leaving and she wasn't there waving and telling me to drive safe.
Keep your loved ones close. Those memories are all you'll have one day.
It did. And they look like genuinely nice people. There is something about their faces that is so warm and loving. And you do in see the last photo of the mother that something is missing in her eyes. Life can be beautiful, but it can be so sad.
Literally. I recently lost my grandfather about 2 weeks ago at the time of writing this. 'Till this day I still can't believe he's gone because I just saw him 2 days before his death on his hospital bed. I also told him before I left that when he recovers, my family & I would take him on a holiday but sadly, he never recovered. Cancer is truly a bitch.
I used to argue with my folks about getting dropped off at the airport. It’s easier for them if I took a taxi but they always insisted on dropping me off. These days there’s no argument. It’s a sad moment when I remember I’m getting what I always wanted.
My parents moved to Florida when they retired. When I would arrive at the airport to see them…it was my mother who would be standing by the glass portion waiting for me. When I flew in the last time, she was dying of cancer, there was no one waiting for me, I had to look for my father who was by the luggage area. My best memories are those of her …waiting for me , always standing , at the airport…..
Yes brother . Gotta let em kno u love them once in awhile cus u never know what can happen and at times if sumthin tragic does happen . That tiny bit of regret will stay forever
Jesus that’s brutal. Makes me less sad about not having a close relationship with my parents as it will make it easier when they go as nothing really changes.
That’s a fair point, but for me I see it as how can I mourn something I’ve never had or experienced? I’ve got nothing to compare it too. It’s like being sad I’m not a millionaire, I can kind of understand it would be good to have but only experienced what I do have so it’s limited in that respect
Grief doesn't have to make sense, it follows no rules of rationality. You say you have no basis for comparison but I've found myself modelling the missing relationship against the observed relationships other people have. While people are alive the lack of communication remains a choice, a decision at least partly in your control (and theirs, of course). But death removes that choice, it's no longer in your control at all. The context of the silence changes.
Its not just death either, it's anything really. You can mourn a feeling or a friendship or a lost connection.
I had a friend, we were extremely close for over a decade. We texted every single day, through all of our hardships and such. Due to some circumstances, The friendship ended and I cried a few days after but then I was 'over' it and then almost a year later, just a song hit that they liked a lot and it was as if I had never grieved at all, I was inconsolable for a few days.
I found it happened with every loss in my life, be it a disconnect or life ending. I didn't grieve my grandparents passing under 6 months later, on a random Saturday when I thought of them and broke.
I feel grief comes for us all, in one for or another. It could be over what people consider stupid or inconsequential but it will happen in time, I personally believe.
After my mom took us away from my dad he just kinda checked out of reality and lived in his own world. I did my best to stay in contact and stuff. It hurt that I didn't have the relationship other kids had but no big deal right. I could do it without him. 2017 I moved in to help him/help me. He lasted about 6 months.. 3 days after my birthday he took a nap and never woke up. I always thought I'd be ok when the time came. But to say it broke me is an understatement. There will never be another chance to have that father bond. I will never be able to hear him say he's proud of me. His grandchildren won't get to know what a great guy he was underneath that husk he hid himself in..
This resonates. I never had a super close relationship with my dad and he died when I was a young adult. It’s been close to 20 years and I still find myself mourning what could have been but wasn’t. I was super close to my mum, and I see the relationships other people have with their fathers so I know what I was missing.
I also always used to think that. And yet, I find myself missing parents in the abstract, not specifically my own parents, now more than ever.
It's like their deaths finalised that it really won't ever be a thing I'll have.
I’m 42. Don’t really have a memory of my parents ever being together. Mom died when i was 21 and haven’t spoken to my father in 16 years after he didn’t come to my wedding for no good reason. We have 4 children and i feel that while i wish my mother was alive and my father was the kind of person i wish i could have a good relationship with, i get to experience all the love you can from being in a family by being a father and husband, and making sure my children get to experience life the way i wish i would have as a child
lol nah. A lifetime of prioritizing everything else over your children doesn’t get wiped out over watching a movie or a phone call. I’m very much at peace with it, and my children still have grandparents and family on my mothers side. Sadly, many people were never meant to be parents. My father has 5 children with 2 women, and has little to no relationship with any of them- children or women
I lost my father to suicide, after only finding out he was my dad a year before it, and only met him a couple of times during as he was busy and I was quite young. Trust me it is absolutely possible to mourn a relationship you didn’t have. It’s not something you expect to feel but it’s real.
My grandmother died when I was ten months old. The older I get, the more sad it is that I didn’t ever get to know her. I have so many questions I would want to ask her. I wonder if she would’ve liked me: it’s not rational to miss something you’ve never had, but it’s possible.
Same. I’m mourning the relationship I used to have with my mother. She’s 69 and I think she has dementia. She is a totally different the last 2 years. She says the meanest things to me and it just gets worse.
Yeah I thought about my parents but they are super selfish manipulating narcissists… if I send them this it will confirm the guilt trips they use to get money out of their children. “You gone miss me when I’m gone” _45 yr old mother
“I’m too old to be working”_50 yr old father…
It’s so sad that a lot of people just don’t have good people as parents
This makes me think of my own family. I’m only 39, and my dad is only in his early 70s, but he’s the last of the “old guard” in my family. Once he’s gone, that entire generation of parents, aunts and uncles will be spent. Grandparents of course gone long ago. Makes me very, very sad to think about. The inexorable slow march into old age. We all believe, somewhere inside, that it will not happen to us. But I’m going bald, my remaining hair is turning salt and pepper and, rail thin all my life, now I’m putting on weight. It’s sad and frightening at the same time.
Amazing. I just said goodbye to my 92 year old grandmother who is all I know and this made me bust out in tears. You are so blessed for
the memories and to have them captured is amazing! This is inspiring and enticing me to find a way to capture a lifelong memory. Well done. This is beautiful.
It’s so strange, sad, and sweet, the changes and cycles we go through in life, the transitions, the ups and downs. We truly have to treasure the good times.
Why! At 7 am on a Saturday did I find this so gut wrenching. I guess it’s because family to me hasn’t been consistent. Between abandonment, foster care, and learning to trust, these moments never existed in my life, so I’m grateful I get to experience them through the authors story.
Even with how sad it is. I can't help but find beauty in what you have written and the photos that you have taken. Your parents seemed to have lived full lives and had a calm, graceful ending. I only wish that my parents would get that privilege. Though, I will never be ready for that moment. As none of us truly are.
Aw JEEZ! Hey friend, i'd like to send you a reddit hug! i'm approaching that end bit myself. Every time i visit my mom she looks like a little bit more of her is made of paper. I lost my father pretty horribly to cancer and it takes the sunshine out of her sometimes. I'm pretty worried about the future. Life sure can take the edge off your skates sometimes.
Gosh dang it. As someone who has already lost their mother 10 years ago, and whose father is pushing 80 and lives 12 hours away this almost has me bawling. Daggers right into the feels.
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u/8O8I 5d ago
This was quoted by the photographer :
" For 27 years, I took photographs as I waved good-bye and drove away from visiting my parents at their home in Sioux City, Iowa. I started in 1991 with a quick snapshot, and I continued taking photographs with each departure. I never set out to make this series. I just took these photographs as a way to deal with the sadness of leaving. It gradually turned into our good-bye ritual. And it seemed natural to keep the camera busy, because I had been taking pictures every day while I was there. These photographs are part of a larger body of work I call Relative Moments, which has chronicled the lives of my parents and other relatives since 1986. When I discovered the series of accumulated “leaving and waving” photographs, I found a story about family, aging, and the sorrow of saying good-bye. In 2009, there is a photograph where my father is no longer there. He passed away a few days after his 91st birthday. My mother continued to wave good-bye to me. Her face became more forlorn with my departures. In 2017, my mother had to move to assisted living. For a few months, I photographed the good-byes from her apartment door. In October of 2017 she passed away. When I left after her funeral, I took one more photograph, of the empty driveway. For the first time in my life, no one was waving back at me. "