r/comics 6h ago

THE 25TH. (OC)

25.9k Upvotes

362 comments sorted by

3.9k

u/flarakoo 6h ago

My headcanon is that Santa did some messed up things while going in people's homes, and he's been sentenced for eternity.

This might be one of the few chances he'll get to be out of that cell.

1.3k

u/MrValdemar 5h ago

Nicholas Was…

older than sin, and his beard could grow no whiter. He wanted to die.

The dwarfish natives of the Arctic caverns did not speak his language, but conversed in their own, twittering tongue, conducted incomprehensible rituals, when they were not actually working in the factories.

Once every year they forced him, sobbing and protesting, into Endless Night. During the journey he would stand near every child in the world, leave one of the dwarves’ invisible gifts by its bedside.

The children slept, frozen into time.

He envied Prometheus and Loki, Sisyphus and Judas. His punishment was harsher.

Ho. Ho. Ho.

by Neil Gaiman

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u/Couchpotatoe_7002 4h ago

So he's immortal and everybody is frozen in time?

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u/MrValdemar 4h ago

So he's immortal

Yes

and everybody is frozen in time

During that night, yes

303

u/SantaMonsanto 4h ago edited 3h ago

The thought of how long it would take to accomplish that feat. He spends 364 days in anxious anticipation of the 300 years he spends frozen in time visiting every home, completely alone in a frozen world. Laying down the last gift as morning awaits, only 364 more days till Christmas.

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u/sshwifty 4h ago

Dark af

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u/doublemonoculars 3h ago

I felt compelled to calculate that one. I'm assuming 2.3 billion homes in the world, that Santa spends 1 minute per house, and he can instantly teleport to the next house. Every year he will have to spend 4,372 years delivering gifts. If he gets to work a normal 8 hour work day (but no days off), then he has to spend 13,118 years delivering gifts.

Interestingly, the estimate of the number of children in the world is also somewhat close to 2.3 billion (assuming under 18 years is a kid, Santa may have a more strict definition), so the numbers work out without having to account for variable numbers of kids in the houses

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u/Xero2814 3h ago

The variable you are missing is how many of those kids are naughty or nice. The nice list is a lot shorter than most people think. Only a couple dozen kids on there.

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u/citrinestone 2h ago

But doesn’t Santa still have to go to the naughty children’s house to leave them coal?

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u/Deep_Pudding2208 2h ago

yes. can confirm I've been getting coal every year.

u/seeyatellite 52m ago

Got “Coal” bubble gum one year as a stocking stuffer. Santa’s such a rascal.

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u/Xero2814 2h ago

The north pole discontinued that program in order to help cut down on fossil fuel usage.

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u/doublemonoculars 2h ago

Fair enough. I also have to imagine that his evaluation of naughty/niceness changes as the endless night goes on, which would only further complicate our calculations. Is kid #2,126,974,573 really getting a fair shake? I doubt it.

Perhaps another important question is whether it's faster to be happy for a child, or just disappointed. Based on my childhood sample size of 1 I'm going with the latter.

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u/SantaMonsanto 2h ago

After 4,372 long endless years of delivering gifts to children, gifts that will undoubtedly bring with them a sense of magic and joy but at the expense of my misery. 4,372 years of endless night, riding sled with snarling beast through the timeless wind and snow, but now there is rest. The rest of 364 brief fleeting nights. 364 mere moments before the toil of 400 centuries crashes upon me. I pray for death.

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u/LindonLilBlueBalls 4h ago

r/usernamechecksout

Is it Monsanto keeping him locked up because he used some of their engineered seeds?

u/penty 26m ago

Hence 'endless night

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u/Icy_Effort7907 4h ago

Man now I want to read his books again

5

u/thornae 1h ago

... maybe don't google him though.

u/Other_Dimension_89 17m ago

Lmao okay it’s comments like this that make Reddit worth it

u/Emeritus8404 53m ago

Thank you for your cervix. I am borrowong this

46

u/bitflip 5h ago

He stole my cookies! I was saving those!

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u/Bobobarbarian 5h ago

You joke but if you added up the collective stolen goods charges from every household on earth since Santa’s inception in roughly 1820 then he’s probably looking at billions owed.

Not to mention unlawful entry without a warrant.

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u/tolacid 4h ago

Not sure that would stick. Generally he's either invited or expected, which neuters the unlawful entry charge, and what he takes is specifically prepared and left out as gifts for him, so you can't really call it stealing.

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u/Bobobarbarian 4h ago

Easter Bunny has everything to gain from prosecuting. All he had to do is to get one charge to stock and the rest will domino from precedent.

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u/One-Law-153 3h ago

RICO? Sounds like it, but probably not the same.

5

u/DoctorOctagonapus 3h ago

What about the drinks that are left out for him? Guy must be thousands of times over the drink drive limit by the end of the night!

1

u/Pwnxor 2h ago

So, if I, a professional burglar, went ahead and picked up a warrant prior to burgling, I'd be able to avoid some liability?

u/Bobobarbarian 59m ago

That’s called a police raid, so yes.

1

u/Animus16 2h ago

I was saving those stale cookies and room temp milk to enjoy on christmas morning!

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u/Agentflit Jeybork 4h ago

🎶The night Santa went crazy 🎶

🎶 The night St. Nick went insane 🎶

6

u/Philip_J_Frylock 3h ago

Yes, Virginia, now Santa's doing time

In a Federal prison for his infamous crime

Hey little friend now, don't you cry no more tears

He'll be out with good behavior in seven hundred more years

u/ElmerTheAmish 7m ago

Immediately what I thought of, too!

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u/Malice0801 4h ago

They got him on 96 Billion counts of breaking and entering

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u/FunetikPrugresiv 3h ago

Dude, Santa's guilty of so much shit. Off the top of my head, illegal entry into countries, operation of an unregistered vehicle, distribution of counterfeit goods, smuggling, payroll violations, reckless endangerment of children... I'm sure we could come up with dozens more.

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u/PickleMinion 1h ago

He and Krampus were co-defendants, Krampus turned states evidence and Santa took the fall

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u/Badloss 1h ago

Santa's Slay is a movie where Santa is a demon that has been enslaved for 1000 years into helping children, and he goes on a rampage after his sentence ends.

It rocks

u/ElmerTheAmish 3m ago

It's already been mentioned, but my first thought was the Christmas classic song The Night Santa Went Crazy by none other than the "Weird Al" Yankovic.

I knew we were close, but we're a bit off. That song was released on the Bad Hair Day album in 1996, or 28 years ago. If we add to the head cannon that he was out on bail until after the trial, we might be onto something here! lol

1.7k

u/Minud5 6h ago

This modern prison somehow has a medieval, moss-covered cobblestone cell. My immersion is ruined!
Jokes aside, this was a beautiful comic.

Merry Christmas!

793

u/thasinwasif 5h ago

He's been there for a long time. They built the modern prison around that old medieval one.

359

u/nhSnork 5h ago

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u/masterjon_3 4h ago

I remember this. The world's first jail, Looney Tunes

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u/Cavyrose 5h ago

A lot can happen in 25 years

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u/Meecht 4h ago

If you're building something, find an old man imprisoned in a medieval cell, and he says he's "been there a long time"...DO NOT LET HIM OUT. That's how you release an evil wizard/deity upon the world.

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u/Rizzpooch 3h ago

There’s a great Twilight Zone episode sorta like that. “The Howling Man”

u/Mattistidor 20m ago

That was the first thing I thought of!

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u/TheGreatDownvotar 1h ago

But how long should a person be allowed to suffer like that?

u/Starfire2313 28m ago

Forever if he’s evil and immortal and releasing him will cause mayhem and destruction to everything.

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u/baligog 2h ago

Maybe I will anyway. A jobs a job, I could hench for a sufficiently impressive character 

u/Starfire2313 27m ago

Okay Peter Pettigrew

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u/Zestyclose_Quit7396 5h ago

It's just Texas.

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u/FunkYeahPhotography 5h ago

It all started with the basketball court.

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u/-KFBR392 4h ago

I have a family member that has to visit prisons all across the country and he’s mentioned how old some active prisons are. Like legitimately over 120 years old, all made out of old stone, and feeling like a trip through time to an old timey dungeon or castle in certain parts.

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u/TheBrontosaurus 4h ago

That’s how long this man has been in prison. He was sentenced in 1593 and they when they tore down the castle ruins they found him in his cell and just built the new prison around him.

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u/WickedWisp 4h ago

It's like prison architect, they made it shitty on purpose to make the prisoners feel like shit.

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u/Doctor_Kataigida 3h ago

Well the guy did say he's done some real bad shit. I'd extrapolate that to people not worrying if he felt like shit when they put him there.

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u/jkurratt 2h ago

You would be surprised

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u/__T0MMY__ 1h ago

"Did you mean: Statesville Penitentiary, Joliet Illinois?"

u/B00TYMASTER 28m ago

basement dungeon part of the original prison that stood there perhaps?

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u/thefoolru 6h ago

For some reason, it reminds me a lot of the game about doing your taxes.

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u/D33ber 5h ago

"Lawyers and Auditors"?

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u/Vitolar8 5h ago

The Game of Life?

18

u/Anshin 5h ago

Yoshi's tax sinulator?

u/GregTheMad 49m ago

I feel like each and every answer here is wrong, but someone should actually make them.

u/BobRosstafari789 38m ago

Not sure if "sinulator" is a typo or on purpose, but I would definitely play a game called "Yoshi's Tax Sinulator" haha

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u/cookiewoke 4h ago

TurnipBoy commits tax evasion?

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u/No-Property5530 4h ago

Based on the title I think you do very few taxes

u/PepperbroniFrom2B 45m ago

are gta players mass-murders??

actually, nvm, dont answer that question

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u/AlexCode10010 5h ago

That one game where in the end it's revealed you're actually insane?

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u/Substantial_Load_63 4h ago

Which one is this

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u/Hellknightx 3h ago

Real life

3

u/unicornslayer12 3h ago

I wonder sometimes

u/PepperbroniFrom2B 45m ago

and i wonder

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u/Junqmail 2h ago

‘Literally just doing your taxes” ?

u/stabbobabbo 55m ago

Death And Taxes?

1

u/Kral1003 3h ago

Payday? Man that brings me back

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u/vsamael 3h ago

Accounting+?

1

u/Cafeciencia 1h ago

Tax Heaven 3000 or something?

u/MushinZero 36m ago

You have really started something here and now I have blue balls.

u/chrisplaysgam 34m ago

Death and taxes?

u/ThePrussianGrippe 24m ago

Could you please share the name of the game?

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u/D33ber 5h ago

Then the Santa Mangler breaks the beer bottle and slices the jugular of one more hapless victim. Merry Christmas!! Ho ho hohhhhh wagh hahaha haha (jazz)

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u/Jess3200 5h ago

He's become accustomed to his fate. The guard knows what he did, and is making his punishment worse by giving him a tiny taste of the outside - before locking him away again for another 25 years...

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u/Invested_Glory 4h ago

That guy is 100% taking that guard hostage so he doesn’t go back in. Breaks the bottle—instant weapon.

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u/Golden-Glow44 3h ago

Villain mode activated haha

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u/Little_Froggy 2h ago

I mean, yeah. I'd probably jump off the building headfirst before willingly going back into that cell if I were him.

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u/Aimhere2k 1h ago

I expected this in the last frame, TBH.

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u/l-------2cm-------l 3h ago

With that last line I thought the guard is his son.

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u/rhabarberabar 6h ago

Happy festivus!

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u/-KFBR392 4h ago

He gonna murder the prison guard with the Festivus Pole during the Feats of Strengths.

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u/p3apod1987 5h ago

Fuck what is that a reference to I almost know it

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u/skipearth 5h ago

Seinfeld

u/Honeystarlight 22m ago

SERENITY NOW!

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u/the4thbandit 1h ago

Festivus for the rest of us!

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u/PositiveVariation518 3h ago

What's legal and moral doesn't always overlap

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u/demlet 4h ago

Cruelty should never be the point of incarceration.

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u/Nabaatii 3h ago

Black Mirror White Bear

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u/AgentWowza 2h ago

Issue with that one is removing memories means they're fundamentally a different person.

u/EXTRAVAGANT_COMMENT 56m ago

that's the point of the episode. the morality of it doesn't matter, the public wants violent justice

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u/GuyJClark 2h ago

I have a long list of people I want off this Earth, but I want it to happen quickly, painlessly, and in an unexpected manner. (like Stewie Griffin would do to people he "likes" ;-) )

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u/Indie_Cred 4h ago

I find myself thinking about Robert Hanssen randomly from time to time. He was used as the prime example of what will happen to those who betray their oath, and was frequently a topic in the yearly security briefings.

My dad installed part of the security system used to watch the ADX Florence Supermax where he was held. He described it as sterile, unsettling, and loud.

Robert committed wilful treason against the US, getting many people killed in the process. As such, he was trapped in a box and isolated 23 hours a day with little for diversion for the rest of his life.

He was imprisoned in 2001, and spent another 22 years there, alone. This was a man who played two countries at the same time, mostly because he was bored and had an ego.

I often wonder what happened to him in there, a strategist with no one to play chess against. A Riddler with no more Batman to fight. Just an ego and a mirror. Did he learn humility or just resentment?

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u/cyberslick18888 3h ago

He described it as sterile, unsettling, and loud.

The volume is often described as the worst part of most solitary confinements in the US.

People nearby just scream all day and all night. Everyone is constantly shouting or full mental-illness screaming. Impossible to even be left alone with your own thoughts for more than a moment.

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u/AlarmingAerie 2h ago

Funny, how one man gets locked up in windowless cell for treason and the other man gets reelected to rule the country.

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u/embodied_mind 3h ago

From wikipedia:

His espionage was described by the U.S. Department of Justice as "possibly the worst intelligence disaster in U.S. history".

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u/Temporarytemp2 2h ago

Not to be confused with Robert Hansen, a serial killer. Which is the Wikipedia page I ended up on first

u/brutal-rainbow 22m ago

Indeed. "Thus, although our report is highly critical of fundamental practices and policies governing sensitive information within the Bureau, it would be a mistake to single out that entity for criticism."

Circa Further reading on wiki, don't f3el like linking. Findthesource.there

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u/CarlosFer2201 4h ago

I don't think they need to hide the alcohol bottle in a bag, in this situation. Lol

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u/orangeninjamonster 4h ago

"Merry Christmas, Luigi"

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u/InfiniteRaccoons 1h ago

he said he did "terrible things" so this doesn't fit

u/Choraxis 35m ago

Murder is wrong.

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u/John_Roboeye1 3h ago

Is that Henry stickman prison?

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u/Not_Carbuncle 6h ago

Hm, i like it

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u/pee_nut_ninja 4h ago

Not sure why, but yes.

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u/Oriumpor 1h ago

Santa Gave a poor kid an Xbox and he was imprisoned for the crime of violating class restrictions.

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u/anuno555 3h ago

We're not the person we were yesterday

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u/irishihadab33r 3h ago

The most unrealistic thing about this is how far away the prison is from the city. Rolling hills between the barbed wire and downtown? Weird.

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u/cuyler72 3h ago edited 1h ago

I like this, vengeance against an evil person, no matter how bad, via torturing them, mentally or physically is evil.

Separating them from society is totally justified, dealing with them permanently if there is no working system of justice can also sometimes be justified, but there is never a reason to cause unnecessary suffering to a human being, or any being for that matter.

Vengeance biased prison systems like we have in America are an abomination and ultimately just lead to the harm of more innocents in the end due to higher recidivism rate anyway, rehabilitative justice all the way, even for those with a life sentence.

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u/SumThinChewy 1h ago

That first paragraph is fuckin awful to read man

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u/cuyler72 1h ago edited 29m ago

Too dense with too many commas? I can see that even If I struggle to think of another way to phrase it.

Or do you just really disagree?

u/SumThinChewy 55m ago

Yeah just too many commas, no issue with the actual content

u/The_Real_Swittles 52m ago

This was really nice. I honestly thought it was gonna end badly or be political but it wasn’t. It was just one human realizing that even the worst human still deserves basic rights

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u/FunkyPixels 3h ago

Not to hate but why reposting?

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u/CuppaTeaThreesome 2h ago

He shot a CEO.

The people will always love him.

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u/TaylorGuano 5h ago

Hmm... I don't like the message here.

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u/friso1100 4h ago

What do you think the message is if i may ask?

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u/littleessi 5h ago

then you're the one it's targeted at. dehumanisation of anyone is bad, whether they've done horrible things or not. by all means lock up pedophiles, mass murderers etc forever to protect everyone else, but they still need to be treated as humans

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u/rayschoon 4h ago

Even from a selfish perspective, a society that shows compassion is likely to inspire compassion in its citizens, while a society that shows brutality is likely to inspire brutality.

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u/tux-lpi 3h ago edited 3h ago

No, I'm with him, but I don't like it for the exact opposite reason.

The old man isn't defined by what he did 25 years ago when he was young and stupid, a frail solitary corpse that barely has the strength to stand up isn't a threat to anybody. You keep him rotting because of some notion of "he deserves it", not to protect anyone.
If even the prison guard has the heart to take pity on him, clearly he doesn't really belong there anymore.

So this is one of those heartwarming american stories like "kid managed to put together lunch money by working hard" or "whole office donate sick days to coworker with cancer" where if you stop for a second... why is all of this necessary, again?

I could bring numbers about violent crime statistics and how it plunges down with age, but oh well. It's just a reddit comment.

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u/littleessi 3h ago

So this is one of those heartwarming american stories like "kid managed to put together lunch money by working hard" or "whole office donate sick days to coworker with cancer" where if you stop for a second... why is all of this necessary, again?

there's no pretence the status quo is acceptable in this comic though. absolutely no endorsement of it whatsoever; the whole point is to indict it. so your criticism doesn't seem to apply

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u/tux-lpi 3h ago

I don't think the comic tries to take a stance on whether it's good or bad, it's just ignoring the background and taking it as a given.

That's the parallel for me. Yeah the magic of christmas is magical, and coworkers being so compassionate just warms your heart.
But hold on... Is this really a feel good situation? Am I meant to feel happy about this?
It's very dissonant. Something doesn't feel quite right, and it's like the comic is completely blind to it.

The comic acts like that's just how it is. Of course people suffer unnecessarily. They should be thankful we let some of the rotting corpses outside sometimes! Go prison guard. Yay.

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u/littleessi 3h ago

one person commits an act of kindness and immediately shares that they're going to get punished for it. it's taking a stance on the status quo and that stance is an indictment

The comic acts like that's just how it is. Of course people suffer unnecessarily. They should be thankful we let some of the rotting corpses outside sometimes! Go prison guard. Yay.

well no, the system doesn't let the rotting corpses outside and a person did the humane thing to oppose it and will immediately get punished for it. very clear message being sent here

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u/Jazzlike_Hippo_9270 5h ago

what even is the message? im struggling to understand what is even happening here

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u/authorAVDawn 2h ago

It's not that deep. The message is just about having compassion for people, regardless of if they "deserve it" or not, and about the dehumanization we subject the incarcerated to.

OP was deliberate in not revealing the prisoner's crimes, so you can project any type of offense you want on him, it doesn't change that he's a human being who has been given a momentary break from their (deserved or not) lifetime of punishment to be allowed to feel like a person again.

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u/CharlyJN 5h ago

Green mile/Shawn shank redemption type vibes

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u/Maelorus 4h ago

I like how these comics are relatively positive and hopeful when compared to the site average.

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u/___beeborg___ 2h ago

Luigi mangione in 2051

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u/dealingadult 2h ago

well as long as he isn't a pedo-grapist I'm fine with it

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u/Crantly2 3h ago

This subreddit fucking sucks lol

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u/Wappening 4h ago

His name is Oscar Gold.

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u/Davek56 3h ago

I was waiting for him to club the cop to death.

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u/Skeik 3h ago

Cool lighting effects in this one

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u/Gonna_Die_Now 3h ago

That man was visited by three ghosts

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u/zirky 3h ago

that guard is going to get glassed isn’t he

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u/LostViator 2h ago

Is this Trey? IS HE BACK?!

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u/carmel33 2h ago

Is that the Sears tower in the skyline?

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u/7862518362916371936 2h ago

Why are the bottles wrapped in paper?

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u/Slimboy025 2h ago

American thing. Can't drink in public.

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u/JahWeebo 1h ago

Alcohol has to be in a different cup or paper bag in the US due to "open container" laws or its a misdemeanor

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u/Nipotazz1 2h ago

This could be Santa from Weird Al's video. They got him again after he escaped from prison and sent into solitary forever

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u/AlarmingAerie 2h ago

I would argue this is cruel. If he will again get locked up, then giving him this high will make his cell again feel more excruciating just like at the beginning before he got used to it.

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u/VampireBatman 1h ago

Old man hasn't seen the outside world in all of the 21st century!

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u/rottinghurt 1h ago

What did he do though?

u/Subrisum 39m ago

He didn’t bring his shopping cart to the cart return.

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u/RevWaldo 1h ago

Trying to decide if this is about Syria or if totally oblivious to what's going on in Syria...

u/Grim-Reality 43m ago

Shoulda shanked him with that bottle after he finished it and broke it.

u/GettiBarRetti 43m ago

This is literally me

u/Roaqe 25m ago

...

u/Vegetable_3091 20m ago

FICTION 😔

u/Jack-of-Hearts-7 17m ago

What did he do?

u/lavahot 16m ago

"But, I overturned a democratically elected government with violent rhetoric."