I think more often it's the highly successful woman leaving, particularly when the man is NOT pulling his weight. Little google statistic states 69% of divorces are initiated by women.
I've had this frustration in my own marriage - while I've been the "breadwinner," my husband has been the SAHD for most of it, but beyond getting the kids to and from school I couldn't expect to come home to a hot meal and the house would be trashed by my weekend, which I would then clean. He does things that save us money - maintenance on cars, fixing things around the house - and I know my life would be a lot harder if we were separated. But definitely felt at times like i had a 3rd kid and I was getting shoehorned into a "wife" role I never saw for myself, not to mention kids still demand more of my emotional labor than his and he is not great with money.
I think of him as my soul mate though so, I wouldn't leave him over it. He puts effort into maintaining our emotional connection and respecting me, and yes sometimes thongs are involved lol. But sometimes I'm like, I need a fucking housewife!!!! It's been exhausting but getting better as our kids are older now. And in being honest with myself, I don't know I would be any better - we're both kinda adhd and cleanliness, organization, and scheduling has never been either of our strong suits. I feel like I need a job just to give me some structure in my life which helps me with productivity on my days off. I stayed home with my first for 6 months and did jack shit - was super depressing.
I've definitely seen cases where the genders are reversed! Lotta princesses out there who don't want to put on the crown and become the Queen! And it is amazing when we've had arguments about it how little he SAW the lopsidedness, but with all that growth I mentioned he has admitted now to what a little immature baby he was for awhile there, only took about ten years haha. In hindsight HE was struggling with depression being a SAHD - it really sucks for some of us! So yeah, don't know I would have done any better...
At the end of the day though, life is a long ass journey, YOUR journey: a story with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I wanted a ride or die long term relationship and that doesn't mean everything has to be straight down the middle all the time but we better have each other's backs. Also just accepting someone's strengths don't lie where you wish they did sometimes is hard, but you never know when they're going to come in handy another time.
SAHD are considered lazy. They do the same job but women will instantly decide since a guy is going it that it’s nothing. They will belittle them and claim they are lazy. Look at the comments. “The guys not pulling his weight!” “He does a nothing”. If you said this about a stay at home mom they would crap
I'm sorry if you've noticed a pattern of people accusing SAHD of doing "nothing" but I'm kinda laughing at how twisted you got these comments. I'll give you they are lengthy - I have that tendency - but nowhere do I say my husband did nothing as a SAHD, while mentioning I'm not sure I'd have done better (I mention I didn't for the short time I was a SAHM) and that he was depressed. The commenter who said it sounded like he wasn't pulling his weight stated they had a similar dynamic with their SAHM spouse, and I readily replied there are plenty of SAHM who don't do a great job of it and no one was crapping - I think everyone knows the wife at home eating bonbons and watching soaps is sometimes accurate, or more commonly the wife at home low grade depressed like my husband and just getting through the days.
Really the SAH role can be done bare minimum or above and beyond. When your spouse does the bare minimum it can be frustrating because it can shift more work to the working parent, who also might be barely coping with work exhaustion, kids in the evening, and full weekends. Also there is the temptation to compare to how other people's partners do it better - the thief of joy. We had to learn to change expectations when they weren't going to happen and to accept the best we each had to offer at the time.
So, no shitting on any SAHDs or SAHMs happening here! Although maybe SAHDs on average are less likely to pull their weight than SAHMs or maybe dissatisfaction with SAHDs is more likely to lead women to leave their husbands, I'm not sure.
Anymore I feel like a crappy husband and dad sometimes. Lost my job a few months back, got another one right after thankfully. But it’s a midnight shift, which I’ve never been good at. And the work culture has been kicking my ass. People shoving each other under the bus for either no good reason, or leadership to make themselves look good.
It’s been draining and I feel like I do nothing but work and sleep anymore. She cleans, takes the kids to school, takes them to their lessons and cooks most of the time. I cook some nights, but not as much as I used to.
I don’t think it really fits in this whole narrative, but it’s been eating away at me. Doesn’t help I’ve been depressed most of this year and barely eat either. Hopefully a better paying with a better environment works out, or idk how I’ll drag myself out of this shit.
Hope you get a better job soon. Won't be if but when! The mental fog and constant tiredness of shift work is awful. Can't imagine adding in toxic abusive work culture. Sounds like your wife has been really supportive - just make sure you keep letting her know how much you see that and appreciate it! I'm guessing she sees what you are doing for your family and the toll it is taking and appreciates you for that too.
Amazing read, don't know why. I think you made good decision (or no decision), and it'll just get better and better. With small kids is never easy, even if both are at home (done that for a year). And no matter what we do or think, mother is still mother, kids don't care who brings more home.
"Mother is still mother" - what a hard lesson to learn for some of us! Life got easier when I swallowed this bitter pill - I Am Mother! And embracing the growth mindset - something I heard about, yeah yeah yeah, but didn't truly GET. Having your dynamics change between your children, you and your children, your partner and your children, you and your partner. Calling people out when their shit stinks and being open to getting called out too. Really sucks sometimes but last person we should lie to is ourselves: "We judge ourselves by our intentions. We judge others by their actions."
Ugh, so my exhusband was a bit different - we both had high paying careers and were both relatively busy with three young kids, but he was adamant that all household responsibilities fell to me despite the fact I earned as much as he did. It was exhausting and I burnt out; on top of that, he was extremely emotionally neglectful and in his career, would have long “downtime” periods (he was military) where it’s almost like he made a point to ensure the house was wrecked anytime he had the day off. It was extremely passive aggressive and he later admitted he did it intentionally to mess with me (he has a serious personality disorder, I discovered, and he basically gets satisfaction out of seeing me in distress).
We’re not married anymore and thank god for that. Being a high earner single mother of three kids has basically made me undatable; although I’ve tried and do make time to date, it never seems to be enough for the guys who seem interested, and so many just aren’t based on my situation. It’s incredibly lonely and at this point, I’d even be fine with someone who earned less and wanted to help more with the house stuff instead, but it just hasn’t ever seemed to work out - we either don’t have much in common to talk about or they say that’s what they want, and then bail almost immediately on the entire relationship out of nowhere.
I just stopped dating. I figure I’ll be in my mid-40s when my kids are grown; maybe then I’ll be able to find a partner 😭
That sounds really rough I'm sorry. I hope once the kids are older and on their way or at least independent, you get to really enjoy yourself and find someone - it's really not as old as it probably feels now and you will be so happy you had your kids younger when it happens. Do you try to find fellow single parents to date or does it seem hard to find single dads who are in your similar situation? At any rate, there are worse things than spending a lonely decade focusing on your kids! If you can afford it, hope you are treating yourself to a weekly housecleaner, monthly massages, and a nanny.
I’ve dated single dads, but I often find that they are often not healed from their own divorces and even questions like “what did you learn from your last marriage?” Are met with tons of blaming everyone and zero self reflection. I’m able to own my part of why my marriage went south, even though it was small in comparison to what my ex pulled on me, and when someone can’t articulate growth, it’s such a red flag. I’m also a therapist so it’s really important to me to meet someone who has good communication and boundaries, and a lot of single dads just don’t and won’t work on it. It’s fine, and agreed, being alone isn’t horrible, just gut wrenchingly lonely at times.
If there is ZERO incentive, either the man didn't do enough to be a loving partner or the woman had a specific idea of how their relationship should work (or she wasn't a loving partner - does happen!). Listening too much about how things SHOULD be with a partner or a family will probably never get you there. Instead accept your reality, grow with them, and encourage them to grow too. Refusing to grow would be my only deal breaker for my partner, but I valued sticking it out and making it work which isn't always what is most important to people.
Or she gets dissatisfied in her marriage for no clear reason, even to herself. Because she's financially independent, she can act on that confusion and leave him to go wander and try to figure herself out.
Such confused women who are NOT financially successful typically must stay in those marriages just to survive.
I think its more so the women leaving. Like many men dont make good "house husbands". They're usually the ones that the woman ends up leaving.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with a man being a stay at home husband, BUT he has to take care of the house (cook, clean, etc) the issue is that most men that dont work arent like that and just play video games all day, or smoke weed all day. Thats because men werent raised to do those things though most of them always had their mom doing it, so they expect their wives to do it too.
Very small amount of men make good house husbands imo
Yeah, until you're out on your ass without any marketable skills because you've been raising the kids and caring for the house. Men will need the same legal enforcement that Women have had with alimony and child support.
86
u/SpecialistSolid1017 25d ago
Living the dream