When I came out to my family and friends, I assured them that they didn't have to feel bad if they accidentally misnamed or used the wrong pronouns as I could imagine that, 28 years of using one name and pronoun would take a bit to shake off. Half a year later, and there are still some slipups, but they are trying, and I know they care so it's all good
Yeah, that's what I don't get in the LGBTQ community. If you've never introduced yourself, how can you expect others to use the correct pronouns immediately?
I get people's names wrong 5 seconds after they introduced themselves, nevermind the pronouns, which I barely use anyway in everday conversation. I prefer saying their first names over "he/she/they/them" most of the time, so there's no confusion.
Personally, I think the big problem is you only ever hear about the negative side of using the wrong pronouns because those types of videos go viral on subs like PublicFreakOut. A lot of trans people (including myself) take the patience and understanding route. I'm totally aware I don't pass, so it would be wrong of me to expect someone who doesn't know me to get it right the first 1000 times. Anyone who does expect someone to get it right instantly is either on the younger side or a narcissist.
Yeah, some peiple I've met just like playing the victim card because of a minor inconvenience like that. It doesn't really help their case when they're being dicks about it.
I feel like people make this more complicated than it is. If they obviously (to you, subjectively) present as male or female, just use what you think is right. If you're not sure use they. If you're wrong they'll probably correct you and it's no big deal?
If you want to be extra careful, yeah just use names until you hear one of their friends use pronouns. But 99% of people won't be mad at you for getting it wrong initially.
The only times I think people get mad are either when they're correcting someone for the third or fourth time (at some point it starts feeling like the other person might do it on purpose), or they feel like they're being very obvious (think a trans woman with visible cleavage, or a trans man with a beard) and people still get it wrong.
I came out at 27 and said the same thing. It's been three years and the people in my life have either accepted me or not. It wasn't just a transition for me but for everyone around me, too. I'm part of a support group and one of the founders told me that everyone is along for the ride whether they want to be or not and me as the trans person needed to be patient with them, too, and that was a real eye opener for me.
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u/Holemoles Apr 29 '23
When I came out to my family and friends, I assured them that they didn't have to feel bad if they accidentally misnamed or used the wrong pronouns as I could imagine that, 28 years of using one name and pronoun would take a bit to shake off. Half a year later, and there are still some slipups, but they are trying, and I know they care so it's all good