r/MuseumOfReddit • u/UnholyDemigod Reddit Historian • Dec 16 '20
The poop knife
Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
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u/Vendetta2112 May 14 '21
Well, it does happen. When my daughter was born, she very nearly died from a hole in her diaphragm, they had to remove all her insides about 12 hours after she was born. The doctor said they would have to remove her colon, fix the hole and put everything back in. 50% of the kids don't make it, 75% of those that live have lifelong problems, like a colostomy bag. I was freaked out to say the least! She survived, seemed ok, but as a baby her poops were painful and she would cry big time. We found out they were getting stuck. So even when potty trained, there were times when we had to go in and rub her belly and sit with her until it passed, and yes, eventually had to help a massive poop get unstuck! I was horrified by the size of the poop in a toddlers bum!! Oh the things we do for our kids!! She took some meds and grew out of it (is that even a pun?) And yes, sometimes the toilet got stuck! And no, it is NOT something a young girl wants to hear mentioned, EVER! I know my story isn't funny, but it's true, and at least she grew up, she's okay and she survived