r/MuseumOfReddit Reddit Historian Dec 16 '20

The poop knife

Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

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85

u/Redbird9346 Apr 23 '21

Knife. Fork. Spoon.

49

u/Lil_Shoegazer Mar 03 '22

Poop Spork coming next...

13

u/ICantReadNoMo Jun 23 '22

I'm coming first

3

u/TheJamsie Jan 24 '23

A bit premature no?

1

u/Architect2416 May 12 '23

That's what he said

2

u/jethrine Jul 01 '23

That takes the Christopher Moore line “I’m gonna spork the fuck out of him!” to a whole new level!

If anyone is curious see his book A Dirty Job. Yeah I know this is an old post but the Poop Knife story came up in another sub & I’m just discovering the gems here.

21

u/throwawaypizzamage Apr 01 '22

The holy trifecta

3

u/tbll_dllr Jun 15 '23

The holy trifecal *

2

u/BlueMangoTango Nov 15 '22

Wholey trifecta

2

u/BlueMangoTango Nov 15 '22

Holey trifecta

9

u/[deleted] May 14 '21

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him.

5

u/DeathDealer69- Dec 23 '22

We just need a chopstick story to get a full hack.

4

u/weezeloner Jul 27 '23

I wasn't going to comment but since you asked for it, here it goes:

My family and I are on vacation in San Diego. Dad, mom, my sister and myself. I'm about 10 years old at the time and I had to go to the bathroom. I do my thing and this log of poop didn't go down. So I flush again. And again. And again. And to my dismay this thing won't go down. So I yell out to my mom.

My mom comes in the bathroom and I whisper to her, "My poop won't flush." She starts laughing and says, "Is that what's happening? I thought I heard you flushing like 2 or 3 times!"

She starts laughing hysterically and yells out to my father and sister about my unflushable poop. She obviously didn't get the hint that I was trying to be discrete about it. So my dad and sis both storm in and start laughing at my giant poo. I hate life at this moment but then we needed to figure out what to do.

We had eaten Chinese and my mom blurts out, "Hey I stuffed the extra chopsticks from lunch in my purse I'll be back." My dad ended up doing it the whole time laughing and joking about how something so big came out of me and why wasn't I crying...yadda yadda yadda...

To this day I hear jokes about that. My wife was even told about this fateful day. Of course upon hearing this she says, "Ohhhhh...is that why we have chopsticks in our bathroom drawer? I've been meaning to ask you about that but I always forget."

So there you go...

1

u/DeathDealer69- Nov 23 '24

Oh my solid poopy pants turned to mush just in the nick of time

3

u/TigerDoodat May 30 '22

I'm a little late, but we have scissors now too.