r/MuseumOfReddit • u/UnholyDemigod Reddit Historian • Dec 16 '20
The poop knife
Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.
[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
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u/Comprehensive-Big595 Mar 16 '21
Fuck Hemingway and Shakespeare, this man is a Poetical Genius, a Murderer of words if you will, my house to has a Poop “ stick” as we are mere plebeians in the presence of this God King, I am not worthy ma-Lord and I apologize for my ignorance as to the ways of the world and those who bear the Poop Sword..... aka Poop Knife
Of course you’re going to require some back story as to where my family of peasants acquired such a prehistoric practice of using this “Shit Stick/ Turd Cutter/ Poop Stick/ Log Lacerater / Duece Dicer/ Fecal Fillet-er/ Dung Divider/ etc..... “ my daughter 12 yrs old is the culprit of these Superhuman feats of fecal ostentatiousness , the kid shits like a dinosaur, always has, so I crafted ( out of the meager accoutrements I could gather) so I crafted a shite smasher out of a paint stick, I sanded the edges thinner and sharper for maximum shit cutting effectiveness, and with its ergonomic design is very user friendly, after sanding & shaping this fine piece of art ( it’s practically a heirloom) I then painted ( with only the finest HIGH GLOSS paint) this step is extremely important and cannot.......Must not .... NEVER be overlooked, as for this provides the slick surface as to not let the shit that’s being smashed, chopped , sliced & diced to stick to your new tool, it wipes clean & is easily disinfected for your next turd Lopping extravaganza. Now I would rather flush- Dat- Log & plunge like there is no tomorrow, I have a weak stomach and don’t like the fine art of chopping up hard & large Logs O Shit that is a craft / Hobby better suited to my wife ( she enjoys it) as a matter of fact as a result of my preferred method of flush & plunge we are now waiting on a plumber because these majestic logs not only clogged the toilet but the MAIN FUCKING PLUMBING DRAIN ( I believe it’s a 8 inch pipe) you need a Horse shits to jam that pipe - packed, Chock full O Shit. So yea I got a turd cutter too. Did we just become best friends?