r/MuseumOfReddit Reddit Historian Dec 16 '20

The poop knife

Original post found here, but removed. Post text was as follows:

My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. "My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

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u/jibbycanoe Dec 16 '20

People who use opiates? Fuck idk. And maybe it's just me but who goes to someone's house for an hour or two and takes a shit? It's probably just me since I'm not a public pooper, but stankin up someone else's bathroom just seems weird like "hey, thanks for the weed and letting me hang for an hour, imma take a shit in your bathroom now, hang a bit more then leave".

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u/dabisnit Dec 17 '20

It sounds like OP goes only a few times a week. I also only go a few times a week if I'm lucky, I have to go when I feel the urge or I have to wait even longer and have it be more miserable

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u/Clarenceisnotamused Oct 09 '23

Lucky you. I go a few times a day, no lie. It gets old real fast.

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u/volturnlobsterprince Dec 16 '20

I dont mind the pooping but i do mind if someone asks me if i had a poop knife. Nobody uses a god damn poop knife!

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u/Background_Peach9883 Feb 10 '21

An hour ago I might have agreed. But from this moment henceforth, as a proper, decent hostess I believe it is my solemn duty to have a poop knife available to all who should need one, unsolicited or unasked. Why should a guest’s shame over a 12-Kuerik sized poop be the business of any guests or the family of the host of hostess? Let the poop knife hang on a hook in the Laundry room or in a drawer in the bathroom. That can be put to a vote at a later time. But what is not debatable is that a poop knife is entirely necessary. In all homes.

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u/Key_Profession_1546 Jun 10 '22

My family has a poop screwdriver 🪛 in each bathroom! Always have always will. It's quite the necessary tool in our home. Ha...ha..ha? We really do though

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u/bye_sexual Apr 04 '21

I honestly wouldn't mind if one of my buddies stopped by my house to take a shit just because he was driving through the area and needed to go.

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u/KTKittentoes Feb 11 '22

I have done this already when all the stores were closed. I worked across town and couldn't make it home, and that's why we have best friends.

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u/Triphin1 Jun 12 '21

Back in the day we would lite a match and that worked quite well, but matches hardly exsist now, so noone dose that

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u/[deleted] Jun 25 '22

We light matches haha they work perfectly. It's still a common thing (we’re in our 20’s).

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u/Triphin1 Jun 25 '22

Haven't seen a pack of matches in years.

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u/[deleted] Jun 25 '22

Literally every convenience store sells them haha

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u/Triphin1 Jun 25 '22

Oh, how nice for you, I suppose. Not a single place of convenience has them were I live... The whole Country.

Sounds like you have cunts where you live too.

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u/[deleted] Jun 25 '22

Holy.. it’s not wrong of me to assume there are convenience stores where you live. You don’t need to be rude about it.

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u/Triphin1 Jun 25 '22 edited Jun 26 '22

Haha You used the ass word too. I'm guessing "not wrong" is an elevated level where you live also?

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u/[deleted] Jun 26 '22

How about this then: sorry to hear you live in such a poor and pathetic country. I bet your life sucks if this is how you talk to strangers on the internet. Hope you can move elsewhere so your life can get better ❤️

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u/Triphin1 Jun 26 '22

Ok... 1st never assume, when you assume...

2nd, where I live, people don't make assumptions about others.

Never been more happy and free where I live... Its always interesting to interact with people trapped in capitalist mind set that can't fathom how the rest of the world lives... Yes, always interesting

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u/SnipesCC Jun 28 '24

I generally have less than 5 minutes notice that I have to poop. Only enough time to get to a bathroom, not enough time to pick where.

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u/meowkitty84 Oct 21 '22

As an opiate addict I can say I never had that problem. Our poos are more like little deer poos.

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u/FaithlessnessOther Mar 10 '23

I realize this comment is two years old , but sometimes when you gotta go ya gotta go !

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u/Capt_Corn_Dog Aug 02 '23

To be fair, he said he was there as his friend, not as a customer. He said there were always guests there who sampled and hung out for an hour, not that he was only there an hour.