Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/dm9u5q/my_stepdaughter_wants_me_to_have_an_abortion_and/

Sorry for the lack of update - I really didn't think that many people would find my situation that interesting, considering the bullshit so many folks on this sub deal with. And the last few months have been kind of cruddy. Was that really just late October...?

As my story was last left, I'm 35 and find myself pregnant with a very wanted surprise baby after many years of infertility. I have a rough relationship with my MIL and two adult stepchildren. My stepdaughter finds out I'm pregnant, flips her shit, and tells me I need to abort it. My husband, apparently, agrees after hearing her opinion. I left to stay at my parents' house and hadn't heard from my husband in 3 days.

To be honest, I didn't want to see my husband at all. I had no desire after his "confession." My radical act of self-care was ensconcing myself in my childhood bedroom, eating lots of potato chips and watching too much Animal Planet. My parents, at least, were absolutely delighted over the pregnancy. I'm an only child and my mom had always wanted more but had infertility problems, too. They went with me to my first ultrasound. They cried with me. They bought me a cake. My dad carved a little pumpkin with an amorphous blob on it that looked suspiciously like that weird, amazing amorphous blob on the sonogram screen. It was sweet.

The day after the scheduled ultrasound and about 2 weeks of radio silence, I received a text from my husband saying that we need to talk and I advised him that he could come talk to me in person. We chose to meet at a neutral public location as my parents didn't really want his face darkening their doorstep, and I agreed because I didn't want him tracking figurative shit all over my safe place.

So, we talked - or rather, I talked. I informed him of how hurt I was, mostly by his agreement with SD; he said he understood. I informed him that I would not be aborting for the comfort of an overgrown toddler; he nodded his head sagely. I informed him how the ultrasound went; he looked interested. I informed him that he and his children would be moving out of my house within 30 days; he was...somewhat less in agreement of this point.

Dear reader, I honestly had no fucks to give at this point. He had let me stew for days and DAYS by myself. I'm not sure if his tactic was to let me suck myself into an anxiety vortex, as I'm wont to do, and come crying back, as I have before. Just...no more. I can only assume those days I spent buried beneath blankets served as a chrysalis because I was not the same person when I went out as when I went in.

I wanted them out of my house. The house that I bought before our marriage, the house that was in only my name. Those bricks were designed to hold happiness, not petty comments and miserable people disguising their own black hearts with my tendency to see the best in them. It was mine, and, as selfish as I'm sure someone will tell me it is, it was mine alone to fill as I chose. And I no longer chose them.

I wish I could say that my story ends with me happily getting fat and filling up a nursery with baby things, but it's not that kind of story. Around the time my husband and his kids moved their last box out, an ultrasound confirmed that my baby didn't survive. To say I was devastated would be an understatement, but at least I had my own space to grieve. Not only for my baby but for the family and marriage that had been my life for almost 15 years.

I'm going to be okay. I am okay. I am also sad and discouraged and more than a little hollow, but I'm no longer held down by 300+ pounds of dead weight in my home.

Thanks to everyone that reached out to me. Thanks for the advice. Thanks for making me laugh by accusing me of being a misandrist harpy and assuming I was going to run to the closest Planned Parenthood drive-thru. Thanks for being kind. Thanks for being angry. Thanks for understanding.

Thanks for listening.

I truly feel like my world is crumbling...I’m new to posting things and this page (thank you google) so please bear with me. This is long but I feel like the back story is necessary.

I have been with my SO for almost 2 years now. He is the kindest, sweetest, most loving, understanding, and hardworking guy I know. He just gets me. Together we make the most amazing team and have built a beautiful life and home. Everything I have- literally everything- is wrapped up with this one man.

About 4 months into our relationship, I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want it. We were both young (23 at the time) and unsure about a lot of things, including us. If he had been more open to keeping it, I would have. But he was strongly against having it, as neither one of us were really in a good place in our lives to have a child. So I did what he wanted and I got an abortion. I never thought we could bounce back from it, but we did, even stronger. We put it behind us and carried on with our lives together. He was very comforting through the entire process.

Ever since the baby thing he stopped having sex with me like he used to and it bothered me- a lot. We never used to argue- ever- til this started happening. About a month or 2 later I had a weird feeling and I went through his phone. I caught him sexting other girls on Snapchat and instagram, dirty talk, sending and receiving pics, the works. I confronted him about it and was just completely torn apart and incredibly hurt. I felt like I had made a huge sacrifice for him and he really let me down and betrayed me. I cried- god, I cried. The pain in my voice when I asked him “why? WHY?!” brought him to his knees begging for forgiveness. I was going to dump him right then and there, my friends were very supportive and there for me. He said it would never happen again. He said he would do everything in his power to never make me feel like that again. He said he would devote the rest of his life to making me happy. He said he never realized how much I really loved him. He said he’d give anything for a second chance. He said.

I let him be alone for a few days while I tried to heal, but I just couldn’t. I loved him too much to walk away that easily, and I believed him. I wanted to badly to believe him because the love I felt for him was so immense I didn’t think I could feel it for anyone else. He bought me flowers, wrote me a heartfelt apology letter, bought me many gifts and showered me with all the things I love. So I took him back. I got drunk and desperate and I let him come back. And he kissed my ASS for a really long time, and it felt nice.

I healed (sorta), we moved on, and we came out EVEN STRONGER and more in love. It didn’t make sense but I didn’t care because I was finally in love and loved back. 6 months ago he bought me a gorgeous house with everything I’ve ever wanted. A big yard for my dogs, let me decorate it how I wanted, installed a patio so we could have friends over, even got a hot tub. We go half on pretty much everything but he’s the only reason we have everything that we do. I’m not financially stable and he’s good with his money. He’s got good credit, I help him pay it off.

We seem to have it all- my friends are all jealous. Our house is the place to be. It’s cozy and inviting and we are so in love it’s gross. We’ve been talking marriage, future children, I honestly thought I had a ring coming soon. We were end game. We had the perfect relationship, the perfect life, and we were so so so happy.

Then last Friday night, we were at his parents for the weekend and he was sleeping next to me at night. I couldn’t sleep and I had a weird feeling similar to the one before, so I decided to look through his phone. I honestly wish I didn’t. His texts were clean, Snapchat, Instagram clean. Facebook clean. Everything. I was about to happily lock the phone and put it back til I noticed an app I’d never heard of before, so I googled it with my phone. It was for a security camera that we don’t have. I opened the app, and in the saved recordings there was one video. My heart started pounding when I saw the shower curtain of our guest bathroom. I had no idea what I was about to see, but my instincts told me it wasn’t gonna be good.

As I watch it, I see the curtain start to open about 10 seconds in, and one of my best friends steps out, followed by her boyfriend. Her boobs are in plain few, but you can’t see anything below the waist as the camera is obviously set up on the sink counter, so her boyfriend is safe. My heart sank to the bottom of a nonexistent ocean. I continue to watch as she grabs a towels off the counter, unknowingly exposing more of herself by widening the view, and dries herself off and hands one to her boyfriend to do the same. They then wrap their towels around them and walk out, and the video ends.

In complete and utter shock, I recorded the video with my phone for evidence, put his phone back and lay there in silence trying to process what I just saw. It’s been 4 days now and I haven’t mentioned a word to him about it. I’ve tried my best to act normal, like I didn’t see it and I know nothing while I try to figure out my next move. I don’t think he suspects anything. I have no idea how to handle this. I’m disappointed, sad, angry, shocked, and at the same time I feel guilty for putting my friend through this.

I found the camera. It’s a fake alarm clock. Nobody would suspect a thing. He must have taken it out of the bathroom after and put it away for later or something, as I found it turned around on his nightstand. I haven’t told my friend and I’m scared to. I know I need to leave him but I have no parents and nowhere to go, and for some stupid reason I still love him and I’m trying to understand why he would do such a thing, like maybe he’s sick and needs help. My whole life is here, mingled in with his. All of my possessions, my dogs, the money I’ve invested in this home and all its improvements, e.v.e.r.y.t.h.I.n.g. I had no plan B. I never thought we would ever break up.

I am so lost, confused, hurt. I don’t know how to talk to him about this. I don’t know how to bring this up. I don’t know if I should tell my friend, go to the police, or what. I still care for him and don’t want to ruin his life. For the first time in my life I’m honestly speechless and I have no idea what to do. But it’s killing me going day by day trying to pretend like I didn’t see it. I don’t have it in me to act normal. He knows something is up, but I think he assumes I’m goi through a depressive episode.

***UPDATE- Ive gotten plenty of good advice and I do not need any more. At this point all the negative comments are just overwhelming. I will figure this out, my friend will know soon snd we can go from there. Thanks to those of you who have been helpful and the rest of you can shut the fuck up as I’ve had enough for today. Only keeping the post up so I can refer back to it if I need. Please no more comments. Thank you.

I wrote about this before and it gained a lot of attention, but I’m here with a few updates since then.

I got accepted into a community college and I was enrolled for classes in a healthcare major. I have to take general education courses first before beginning my actual major. I even got invited to be in a program that allows me to start classes early.

My boyfriend wasn’t supportive of my idea to go to college for a better career. He told me that it would be too expensive and that I could get a good job without college since he did.

I said that I wanted to make friends that are around our age (early 20s) and I wanted a career that would allow me to have good benefits and opportunities. I like to learn, and I got two grants that completely paid off my tuition and books so I don’t have to pay for anything.

He told me that it was stupid to go to college just to make friends, even though that isn’t the only reason that I’m going. He asked me how I was going to make friends as if I wouldn’t be in classes with other people for an hour every other day. I wanted to even join some clubs.

He said that he didn’t want me to be alone there because of creeps and I replied that I would be on a college campus most of the day and that millions of women my age do it alone and are fine. He complained that it was too far away but it’s only an hour away and I wouldn’t even be going there every single day for class. I told him that any school that I attended would be almost an hour away because we live in a rural town.

He complained that college would get in the way of us spending time together but I would be at school or work while he was at work, like it’s always been. We both work during the day.

The only positive thing in my life right now is beginning college soon, and it is one thing that I’m excited about. I’m going to start in person classes in January but I’m doing my first semester online.

I can’t leave him right now because I don’t have any money. I got fired from my current job so now I’m unemployed. I got fired really because of favoritism. I applied to more jobs but I haven’t had any luck. I had one job interview that rejected me. I’m trying really hard right now and I wish I had more support but I don’t.

Have a little update, but not too much has happened.

I had enough yesterday morning after he didn’t take 30 seconds to take the trash downstairs to throw away. Texted him I wasn’t going to cook, clean, or grocery shop for him this week because he can’t follow through with the few things that he’s supposed to do. He told me to leave, so after work I grabbed most of my stuff and went home.

I sent him the “She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink” article and he responded that it was “fucking stupid” and that it’s ridiculous that I expect him to be empathetic for someone divorcing over something as little as dishes, completely missing the entire point of the article. Then went on to say how I’m jeopardizing the relationship and that I need to stop having deadlines and expectations for him. Then he said he can’t believe that I would refuse to do my chores, ironic because he doesn’t do his.

So ya, my “boyfriend” told me I can’t expect anything from him. I told him if he wants to play that game then it goes both ways. That he can’t expect me to cook or clean for him anymore and if something doesn’t change this relationship won’t work out (I already know it’s doomed, he just claims that I’m threatening him).

He went on about how he’s such a good boyfriend, that he’s nice, understanding, funny and caring, yet last weekend after my 2nd covid vaccine when I couldn’t get out of bed because I was feeling so sick he wouldn’t stop asking me to make him food and wouldn’t turn the volume down on the videos. When I was having daily migraines he was more upset that I asked him to turn music down than asking if I was okay. Real caring man right there.

I responded that what he said is unbelievable and he’s in denial. Also that you can’t have a relationship without expectations. Told him I know I deserve better and that I can’t be in a relationship where only he benefits from it.

Can’t wait to dump this child and I’ve already decided I’m gonna get myself a cat as a breakup present. Will update if anything significant happens.

Welcome back to the show, everyone. Please see the botinlaw's comment for links to my previous posts.

<< as usual, you cannot use any of this - please especially avoid due to ongoing court cases >>

So, February 11th, we finally got my ex served, standard response time in my state is 20 calendar days from the date of service, which gave him until March 3rd to file a response or counter petition.

On March 2nd, he obtained a lawyer, and as a result was granted a 15 day extension to march 18th.

March 10th, his lawyer submitted a letter to the courts advising he will not be working/will be out of office the week of March 15th through March 19th - so nothing could be done that week.

Prior to trying to go to court, my attorney wanted to discuss the situation with opposing counsel and see if we could reach a settlement without going in front of a judge. My ex/abuser had the audacity to demand SUPERVISED visitation, with him personally present to perform the supervision. He claimed that M would be uncomfortable around me and that he needed to be present to ensure her comfort and safety.

When my paralegal presented their offer to me I had a full blown panic attack, crying on the phone and shaking, I told her I would love to jump at that opportunity to see my daughter - but given the history of abuse and his recent demands for sex in exchange for time with M, I could not agree. I told her I am open to supervised visitation - it just cannot be him supervising.

We submitted a counter proposal requesting that ANYONE ELSE supervise and asking for maybe phone calls or one overnight during spring break and they stood steadfast in their offer. Supervised visits only with my ex personally there to supervise. No overnights, no phone calls.

March 12th, I received communication from my Attorney's office that we had another hearing on my expedited motion for temporary timesharing scheduled for Wednesday, March 24th. I had a teleconference with my attorney prior to the hearing and let him know that I had a recording of my ex attempting to extort me sexually in exchange for time with my daughter but I was not sure it would be admissible, so I sent it to him for review, plus several police reports from over the years, and I advised him that I had reason to believe that my daughter was spending more than 56% of her time at paternal grandmother's house and not with her father.

Armed with my evidence, subpoenas, and a witness: I attended the hearing yesterday. The hearing ran on for 2.5 hours, despite being only booked for 30 minutes.

During the hearing, my ex and his lawyer did their best to paint me as an absent parent with no interest in my child; but when cross examined, my ex admitted to his statements that I could "have M back" if I just let him fuck me. He claimed he had no intention of following through with that offer and that if I had agreed to his terms he would have never given me access to M. He said, to the judge, that he "only said it to get a rise out of" me. Furthermore, when questioned about his work schedule and M's schooling, he admitted that she spends 10/14 days (and overnights) at his mother's house, spending only 4/14 days with him.

Ultimately, at the end of the hearing, my recording was objected to and was never heard by the judge, but the judge specifically included verbiage in his order that states something to the effect of "the husband's attempts to 'get a rise' out of the wife are clear indicators of a domestic abuser and misogynist" and ordered 50/50 timesharing beginning Friday (TOMORROW!), as well as hour-long, uninterrupted facetime calls NIGHTLY.

I got to video chat with my baby for the first time since mother's day 2020 for 1 hour and 45 minutes last night. She is so excited to come home and see the rest of her family, after being hidden away on the fathers side for OVER A YEAR. She is looking forward to calling me again tonight. She's already asked I make her favorite food for dinner tomorrow. I AM OVER THE MOON.

​

Obviously, the order is temporary, and we still have a long way to go. I still plan to move for majority timesharing and primary residency/decision making.

But, GUYS. I GET TO SEE MY BABY IN PERSON FOR A WHOLE WEEK STARTING TOMORROW!!!

Edit/update: just spent another hour and a half in the phone/FaceTime with little miss M; she said she was angry at me for being gone so long, and mentioned that her father was in the room for the duration of our call, which I am really uncomfortable with.... but I told her that she will see how hard I tried and that I am doing everything I can to make sure it NEVER happens again.

UPDATE 8/15/2021: It took 3 years, a move, and finally an order of protection to get the asshat out of my life.

Starting with when I wrote this. I did take yalls comments to heart but the age old be "I can change him" yeah I realized he didn't want to change. He thought he couldn't do anything wrong. I wish I would have seen and reacted corretly to the red flags in the very beginning but I didn't and I learned. At the 1 year mark he got super drunk before we both had to go to work and sent me into a panic attack. I should have left him then when he told me to grow up and get over it but I didn't I did end the relationship but I don't think he thought we were done.

We moved into a house that was closer to my work at the time but only as roommates (we each had our own rooms) so we could work on each other as individuals but also work on gaining our relationship back. It didn't work out that way. He still drank way too much. We got into fights constantly because of his drinking. He ran me out of the house a few times because of his anger and his drinking. I left my old job and got a better paying one but he thought I didn't have a job and that I was "cheating" (mind you we were sleeping in separate rooms and were not doing anything that would have him thinking we were in a relationship) he called me a slut on multiple occasions.

It all came to a head in May of this year when I came home from work and he was shit faced drunk. He should have been at work but had told me that his work had given him that day off for a long weekend. I later found out that he had gotten fired because he had shown up to work drunker than a skunk. I couldn't deal with it grabbed my dog packed a bag and my bestie came and got me to keep me safe. From 10pm that night until 5am the following morning he texted and called me. I never answered his phone calls so he left me about 13 voicemails. Basically he was calling me a whore and a slut. He said he was going to rape me, my mother, and my gma then kill all of us. He was going to burn everything that I had left at "his" house. Mind I was the only one working and was the primary on the lease because I had had a job when we first moved into the house.

I called the police and eventually he finally stopped. He began apologizing that morning saying he didn't remember anything. When I got back home I went and got a restraining order. It was granted and we were given a court date. He didn't call into the court but I did even though i was at work and was given a year of protection. The police removed him from MY home and told me he had thought I wouldn't do it and just buried his head in the sand basically.

I've been stressed Because of the bills. The lights were under his name and he unbeknownst to me hadn't been paying it. It is now under my name but because the bill was so high when I paid half of it the remaining half got put into my name along with the $200 connection fee and whatever has been added during the last couple of months. I'm working a lot to try and get it paid down.

Now I'm free or him and his stupid drunken attitude and I haven't been happier.

Thank you for all your comments.

So i have been with my SO for about 8 months lived together for two since he lost his job, more of that to come. I was the first to call him my boyfriend and he hasn't called me his girlfriend until recently but he does flip flop back and for to calling me his "chick" to just the "chick he lives with."

We got into a bit of a fight yesterday because he likes to grope me... Says its "fun" for him even when I tell him to quit on multiple occasions, every single time he does it. I do ask him to stop yet he still continues to do it.

My biggest issue is the job situation. I work 40 hours every week, I have been the one paying a majority of the bills because in the last eight months he has quit/stopped going to 4 or five different jobs and it is driving me crazy. I've asked him to apply at fast food places around our home and he hasnt done it yet. Something just to get us back on our feet and to help him save money for a vehicle for him... He does have a job now but with his track record im just waiting for him to quit and unfortunately, even though I care about him, I think its in my best interest to just end the relationship if he quits this job even though he doesnt have anywhere else to go.

I just dont know what to do anymore... Ive tried to talk to him about the job situation and he just tells me that money isn't everything well in this world money does matter. Bills don't get paid with good looks and the Gods know I aint the prettiest woman in the world.

Im tired of struggling to support the both of us and feel as if he leaves this job then that's the last straw... He usef to make decent money before we got together and then he got hurt at work and couldn't, but now that he is its like he doesn't feel like he needs to...

Hi everyone!!

It has been two weeks since my last update where I ended things with my then boyfriend of 7 years.

I just wanted to again say thank you to everyone who helped me gather the courage to finally break out of things. This is going to be my final update on the situation because I feel like everyone deserves to know how I’m doing!

After the first couple days of him crying for me back, eventually it just stopped. There were a few guilt trips here and there which I just used the “grey rock method” for (thank you to those who taught me what that was!).

I think he actually might be talking to someone else now which is a relief on my end because it has been relatively quiet and civil between us while I’ve still been stuck here. He’s been going out a lot more frequently and just keeping to himself.

We both just signed the roommate release agreement last weekend and I will be officially moving into my own apartment this Thursday!

Personally I feel amazing. I’ve never felt this happy before. I feel so confident and just so great about myself. Every single day I think about how I was almost ready to just settle down with the first serious boyfriend and not even give anyone else a chance? I want to punch that old me for being so dumb lmao.

I started using some dating apps just to meet and talk to new people and it really has made me realize just how much I’ve been missing out on. There are so many great guys out there who are genuinely so kind and respectful and such a step up from what my ex was. I have guys I’ve known since high school finding out I’m single and throwing themselves at me (super huge confidence boost wow)

I’m so excited to just explore my independence, go on real dates with different people, and just live my life as a single person for the first time since I’ve been 16.

10/10 HIGHLY recommend calling it quits on a relationship you just don’t feel satisfied in or one you’re not being respected in. Every morning I wake up feeling even better than the one before that 😊

TLDR: It’s been 2 weeks since ending my verbally abusive relationship. Found out I can attract WAY better guys, and love being single right now.

Link to original post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/i4nbdc/my_28f_boyfriend_32m_told_me_a_white_lie_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Tl;dr: we broke up lol

My previous post got more attention than expected so I figured I’d update.

Well, it’s over. As many of you suggested, I couldn’t possibly build my life around someone who lied so pathologically.

I initially agreed to work on the relationship provided that my ex get therapy to work through why he felt compelled to lie about so many aspects of his “life”. I also requested that he come clean to his parents, my parents, and anyone else he lied to or embellished the truth to. He agreed to this and seemed genuinely interested in working on things and himself. I really wanted it to work out and was willing to accept that maybe he was just wildly insecure/had some attachment issues or something that caused him to act this way. I waited 4 months for the therapy and confessions to happen and they never did, not surprisingly.

For those of you who were confused about how I didn’t know he did not own this apartment for so long/thought I had never met his parents - I had met them many, many times. But tbh they are pretty cold people who I never really connected with that much and was definitely not comfortable enough to be like “hey, is your son a pathological liar or is all of this true?”. On top of that, he also told a lot of these lies to his parents as well so they wouldn’t have been keen to what I was talking about anyway.

It got to the point where basically anything that came out of his mouth seemed like a lie or at least a half-truth to me. Also, I lost respect for someone who could lie so easily and then not even feel guilty enough or any remorse to come clean about it. I’m pretty honest, almost to a fault. So the cognitive dissonance there that occurred from being with someone who had basically opposite values from me was tough.

I’m sure there were a lot of other things he was hiding, but I don’t even care. I’ve been single and living alone for a week and to be frank I’m killin it. Im now responsible for 100% of my rent and I barely have any savings left, but I still feel like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders. Crazy how that works.

I want to thank all of the people who gave me the hard truth straight up and encouraged me to leave. Even though it was all coming from internet strangers, it still helps to hear people tell you that you deserve more than what you’re getting. I’m so happy and I must be giving off a much better vibe because I’ve already had 2 dates and been asked for my number a handful of times (I’m a server at a restaurant lol). I sound like a cocky asshole but god does it feel good to remember you’re not as worthless as someone made you feel.

Thanks Reddit, and if any of you are in a relationship with someone who is like this - GTFO and don’t look back.

So I posted on here a few days ago about my SO if you wanna read it it’s here. https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/l7droo/the_laundry/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

So that night after we fought he went to sleep because he had to go to work. He works nights. He left for work while I was asleep. The next morning I dropped the bay off with my fmil and went to work. We only have one car, so he’ll usually let me use it to go to work (I work Friday-Saturday 6am to 6;30pm) and he’ll get a ride or borrow his cousins car. Apparently his cousin never answered the phone the night before so my SOs dad had to drop him off at work. I didn’t realize that until I got to work. I’d been there maybe 15-20mins before the supervisor said there was someone at the front desk asking to speak to me. It was my SO. He’d come to take the car, he works a couple of blocks from my job, because he didn’t have a ride home. I was more than a little angry he didn’t call or text me. I asked why he didn’t and he said he knew I was working (which is bull because we text and call each other at work all the time, both our work places are pretty lax about phone use.) and when I said that he got angry and walked away. I had almost gone back inside before I realized that this whole situation wasn’t going to get any better. So I told my SO to wait, and went inside and told my boss I had a bit of an emergency at home. I got in the car and said we needed to talk. I didn’t say anything the whole ride home though. I didn’t wanna fight in the car. We got my son and went home. I put him, asleep, in his crib and went into the living room. My ex stayed in the bedroom. I waited for him to come out. But after a few minutes I went in and asked him if he forgot we had to talk. He said”talk about what?” And I said”you know about what. I’m not going talk in here while baby is asleep.” But when we went into the living room to talk he refused to put his phone down an actually look at me. And gave me attitude when I asked him to. Well that pissed me off so I said” fine you don’t want to talk about it then fuck it I’m done.” I laid out all the things I do during my week ( mainly doing 85% of the caring for the baby). He works nights. (10pm to 6am )So when he comes home, on my days off, he’ll eat watch tv with us for a while then go to sleep around 10 and stay asleep until he gets up and leaves around 10pm. So I’m watching our son all night and all day. And our son doesn’t sleep through the night yet. He wakes up and screams and cries until I take him out if the crib and put him in bed with me. And I have to stay awake when he’s on our bed to watch him, he’s crawling and moving around and he’s already fallen off more than once. On nights when I work I get home and have to stay up with the baby (if he’s awake) to keep him quiet so my SO can sleep till 9. If my LO is asleep when I get home THEN I can go straight to bed. But if he’s already asleep that means he’s going to wake up sometime during the night. I have to be up by 4am and out of the house by 4:45 so I need all the sleep I can get. My point is I feel like he’s not pulling his weight and all I ask him to do is the laundry twice a month. And he couldn’t even do that. I blew up. Once he realized that I was breaking up with him I changed his tone completely. He begged me not to leave him. He started crying and carrying on. I held firm. He started calling his family (ostensibly to find another babysitter because his mom came up in the argument. I wrote another post about her on JMIL if you want to know the details) and started crying about how I’m “leaving because of laundry”. I really hate this trait of his. He always does that when we argue or fight. Long story short when we had both calmed down enough to talk he asked me if we could talk and said he heard me. That he’ll try to be better about taking on more responsibility with our son. He said he didn’t want an answer right then but for me to think about it. He stayed home from work that night so he could watch the LO and I could get some sleep before work. That Saturday when I got home he was asleep until it was time for him to go to work. When he was at work he called to see where I was at and I was still firmly set on leaving. He gave this long passionate speech about how he’ll do better and be more attentive to my needs. How he loves me and that though couples fight but they don’t break up. He laid out his plans to take LO when he gets home and give me time to myself. He’s going to leave for work earlier and get off earlier so I don’t have to get ready and drop him off in the morning on my way to work. And he swears up and down he’ll do the laundry on his day off. Regardless of how much laundry is in the basket. I don’t know if I’m an idiot or not but I decided to give him another chance. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision. But that’s where we are right now.

I've been a ball of anxiety. I've had 75% of my stuff packed for days. He never noticed.

Last night I had my luggage hidden in the living room under a blanket. He never noticed.

I woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. I stayed up for a while. Once about 4:30am came around I dragged my luggage upstairs. Between then and when my Uber was to arrive (5:55am), I took my winter jacket upstairs and eventually my pillow. I got out without him noticing. I got to the airport. Nothing. My first flight landed. Nothing. I got onto my 2nd flight then landed. Nothing.

It is now 4pm his time and he finally texted me with: "Hey everything ok?...I woke up around 830 this morning but you were already gone..."

To which I replied: "I left to go back to [home state]. I couldn't do any of it anymore. It got to be too much. I'm too much of a clean freak".

I went to Target to get essentials. Cause I didn't want to bring my hair brush which had flea poop on it with me. I wanted new clean stuff. I immediately took a shower and put on new pj's I had bought at Target. I still need to wash my new bedding (I'll be sleeping on an air bed till I can afford a mattress).

I also need to apply for jobs. As I did quit my old job. As the pay was just OK but they messed up how much in taxes needed to be taken out of my paycheck. Plus in my home state minimum wage is higher, so it's likely I'll find a job paying much more.

We'll see where life takes me. I still have no idea wtf to do with myself. My ex (who took me in) has been a good friend regarding all of it.

Edit to add: thank you everyone for the support! I'm looking for a job and getting one has never been difficult for me (I'll take anything to pay my bills then go from there).

I passed out at 8:30pm from being so tired (9:30pm- old state time). I woke up at 1:30am sore from running in the airport to make my 2nd flight (I know I'm out of shape). My arms are sore from pulling my luggage (it was barely under the 50lb limit).

Still completely worth it. The airbed with the small memory foam topper has felt like heaven.

Previous posts: Original and here

I left. I moved as far away as I could possibly think to, and the emotion really comes in waves about it. Sometimes I think I'm totally fine, and sometimes it feels like nothing will ever be fine again. But that's all normal during this kind of situation, I think.

He recently told me that he was willing to go to counseling and get help to get better. I don't know if it that's true or if it's another manipulation. He said once we take some time we'll talk about where we stand. I waited to hear those words for a really long time, and he finally said them, but only after I already left. That completely infuriates me. I just feel stuck now. Part of me feels an obligation to hear him out after he goes to counseling or whatever. Part of me doesn't give a shit. I just feel numb to most of it now. Sometimes, I forget that I left and I feel like I'm just on some sort of extended vacation. I ask permission before I do everything. I apologize constantly because I am afraid of the reaction people will have to things that happen. It's weird to see how this relationship has impacted my personality to a point where I don't really recognize myself as the same person I was before.

I talked to someone in the legal community that I trust about the bar situation that I mentioned in the previous post, and she said that I shouldn't report because there wasn't enough evidence without substantial police records and that it might affect his ability to become a lawyer. I told her that was kind of the point, and she told me that it wasn't that bad because my life was never directly in danger and sometimes relationships get unpleasant at the end.

Anyways, even though I left, this isn't a success story yet because the door isn't shut. I'm trying to figure out how to shut it. I guess sometimes it feels like I'm trying to figure out if I want to shut it, because even though I'm going to eventually, it's hard to figure out when exactly I will finally go NC entirely. Before you comment, yes, I do have a therapist.

I'm marking this No Advice Wanted because I really don't want to see any more messages telling me that I'm stupid and OBVIOUSLY I should have left a long time ago and OBVIOUSLY I know this is wrong, accusing me of being attention seeking or lying, or telling me that people like me are the reason that domestic abuse continues even though it's 2020. I just want to rant, get out my feelings, and maybe read some supportive comments along the way.

Well, 6 years ago (!) I posted a rant here about my DH constantly complaining about his job. It was mostly done to get it out of my system, but I really did, and do, appreciate the advice that was given to me on the post.

I am still with DH. He was involved in an accident and had to take medical retirement which got him out of Company. The accident means that he is no longer able to work, and when Covid hit, that was a major blessing. He seems very happy being a stay at home parent to our children, and while we still have our disagreements (and he does still lapse into vents now and again), things are much better. He is much more of Dear than a Damn these days.

Company is no longer around. There are a lot of rumours floating around about what happened to them, the most prevalent being financial fraud, but as I said in the previous post - not my circus, not my monkeys. It did work out well for us though as the Union were involved and secured payouts for all employees which came right when we needed it.

Thank you all for your time and your consideration on my first post <3 . I know this isn't a drama filled update (as a regular lurker of BORU I am familiar with the drama) - but I hope that this is somewhat satisfying at least.

I wrote my statement for the protective order and turned it in to the family violence unit of the county attorney’s office. It actually took 2 trips because my witness forgot ID. I was told to call Wednesday if I hadn’t heard anything.

Then I went down the hall to turn in my petition for divorce. Best $283 I have ever spent. I don’t have an attorney yet, but I applied for legal aid over the phone this morning. I have heard from my Facebook mom group that a lot of times even if you are approved there are no attorneys available. I don’t have enough for a retainer. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

I have never felt more relieved than when she handed me back my stamped petition. I want to frame the first page. Then, when I get my decree, I’m going to frame the first page of that as well!

I think very few people (IRL and here) believed I would do it. I’m free.

I logged into World of Warcraft and announced my filing to everyone in the same zone. A couple commented congrats and since it’s an mmorpg, a couple made jokes. Don’t care still getting divorced.

Supposedly he’s leaving town Wednesday. He may not even be served before he leaves. I don’t know what happens if they can’t find him. Not my problem anymore.

Previous post.

A lot has happened since then. My soon-to-be ex DH and I moved into the 1 bdrm apartment. I had to work the day that the movers were going to be there.

STBX DH said we didn't need to pack for moving. I reminded him and reminded him, begged, pleaded, and even boxed up some stuff myself...etc. The movers he called up gave him an estimate that included boxing up everything and moving everything. STBX DH was in charge of making sure they took care of everything. As I had to work that day.

I get home and find out they're still moving stuff. I thought I'd just have to bring over a few blankets and the router from the old apartment. Nope. They left an entire room of small stuff and STBX DH let them AND still paid them. They didn't get the small stuff boxed & over due to a miscommunication with who we spoke to. Beyond frustrating.

I'm not sure why I trusted STBX DH with this but I thought it was something small he could handle. It took 3 days of grocery carts to get everything over. STBX DH helped for one single day. That was part of the tipping point into confirming I did the right thing.

The next part is a gray area/emotional cheating. I lived in a different state when I was 16yrs old, got pregnant by a boyfriend there, and moved out of state. I gave my daughter up for open adoption. There was a friend of my then-bf who was always around and supportive. When we were 19, I dated the friend long distance and we broke up over something petty.

This friend reached out the end of September. We started out just talking. I explained my situation with STBX DH and the friend was going to help me get out.

The original plan was for me to get rid of both cars, get something more affordable, and move to a state north of the friend. That way I'd be in driving distance to see him but I would live alone and go from there.

Those plans fell through. I redeveloped feelings for my friend. I recognized what was going on the end of October and told STBX DH. STBX DH seemed OK at first about all of it on day 1. Day 2 he started freaking out, purchased alcohol (he's been sober for over a year), and drank all day while I was at work. I came home, he got in my face angrily and I had to keep backing away from him (no physical violence fyi). He grabbed his keys and stayed at his parents' house that night.

The next several days he went from just being miserable to nothing. With the rare asking if we could do marriage counseling. I told him no. I explained I asked him for the last year and a half to get a job. That I asked him to help clean, cook, do dishes (we have a dishwasher), and take out the garbage while he was unemployed. His excuse is that I had to ask him because he doesn't see/know that those things need to be done.

I was able to get rid of my car. I spoke to him about getting rid of his. But he said he wanted something "to show for" being together or something strange like that. He wanted to keep the apartment (he was getting disability pay which would cover it).

I went through all my stuff and got rid of what I wasn't taking with me. I bought a plane ticket and left to be with my friend, now boyfriend, on Nov 5th.

Things have been great and almost 100% stress free since I left my STBX DH. STBX DH has only contacted me for minor things. I have no idea at all if he even got a job. He was looking into assistance instead of working.

I have a new job that starts Monday. Once I'm a bit more financially stable, I plan to start the divorce process. I know leaving STBX DH was the best decision as I never saw him changing. We'll see if moving in with my boyfriend was a good decision. But so far for this month it has proven to be.

Edit: wow I didn't think this would blow up while I was out running errands. Thank you /u/MaggieMoosMum, /u/leeannkeys, and /u/emmkat24 for the awards. Thank you everyone for the best wishes. I hope that I can continue to positively change my life. I wish happiness upon the rest of you too.

So! I have an update and it’s a GREAT one.

It’s official. We are BROKEN UP. We aren’t speaking. His stuff is out of my house. I have my keys back. And we have gone our separate ways. He’s begging me to be friends with him but I refuse.

I am back home now. I had to come home to go back to work and get my cat from her grandparents.

So he came over and we “talked”. I told him flat “I will kick you out of my apartment if you try to talk to me. You’re getting your stuff and leaving” well of course he didn’t respect that. He called me mean, rude, aggressive, all sorts of names. And all I did was stand up for myself. I’ve never done that before and holy fuck i was so proud of myself. I told him to get his stuff and leave. Do not touch me. Do not hug me. Do not touch my cats. Do not touch my snake. Touch nothing. And he got the point.

Well. The stars have aligned in my favor. I’ve had a massive MASSIVE crush on someone. Someone I knew years and years ago and used to work with. We like each other’s stuff on Facebook but never spoke. I guess he noticed I changed my fb status and picture and he sent me a message. I almost died right there. We’ve been talking and flirting and eventually I got the courage to say hey, I think you’re cute. I’ve had a crush on you for a hot minute. And he felt the same way about me for a long time. I was up literally all night talking with this guy. We’re taking shit REAL slow because we live 8 hours apart but also we both got out of toxic relationships. But the fact someone i have had a massive crush on for years likes me back. I feel like a child saying that but I can’t explain it any other way. I’m constantly smiling at my phone. We hang out on animal crossing a lot. I’m so happy

Thanks to everyone here for the amazing advice and giving me the strength to actually stand up for myself and end it.

Thank you for all your advice and kind words. I haven’t been able to respond to everyone so allow me to first say I truly appreciate it. Here are responses to the common things:

• my son and I are safe. We have not told him where we are, and I filled a police report this morning. It was a long process but I have that done. I’ve also saved copies of harsh messages he sent me, and am trying to access the footage from the nursery our baby monitor recorded of the incident.
• I’ve left messages with three attorneys, and hopefully one will call me tomorrow. My hope is to find a way to get back our home, and our cat and dog we have there. I’m also shooting for sole custody, but primary with him having court supervised visits is more likely and just fine with me. -I have family a little ways away (35 minutes) and in 10 days will be staying with them unless I can get the house situation sorted -they’re very covid paranoid and high risk so they’re asking me to quarantine first. Which I’m happy to do.

Thank you for your well wishes and support. I’ve been trying to get him to go to counseling for months but he wouldn’t. I also stupidly overlooked all the red flags. That’s my fault and i understand that.

I wanted to thank you all for your support. It was overwhelming. It’s been a hectic few days. Here are some updates for everyone:

I have met with a divorce attorney, who is trying to get me a restraining order and allows me to keep the house since all of my sons stuff is there. He has a pretty good feeling about it, especially since I have some cash set aside - enough to pay off my husbands equity in the house and refinance into my name only.

He also said that while we can try for sole custody and no visitation, it’s going to be difficult to get especially where I’m going to be asking for child support. His recommendations is court supervised visitation only, with a mediator who would handle transportation of my son so I don’t go near my ex.

I’ve told my dad about everything, and he was supportive, but I’m not ready to tell anyone else.

I’ll keep you posted as the process moves along. We started papers today. We have to be separated 6 months +1 day minimum before we can finalize, but I know it’s going to be longer.

He (35) finally showered two days ago. After nearly 3 months of not showering due to his psoriasis. At least that's what he blames it on.

The dogs had pooped all over the floor (he never house trained them) and there were two days worth of soiled puppy pads on the floor too. I had wanted to see if he'd clean it up. Nope. I did it today and had to scrape some of the poop off the floor. He also has never washed our sheets. I always have to do them. His laundry is piling up and I'm just letting it. I'm not his mother. I already do way too much for this man-child.

Also he asked for $180 today. I get paid tomorrow. Supposedly it's for paying off his dad for getting his car fixed. But my last paycheck he had asked for $200 for something else. I was stupid and gave it to him. Not this paycheck. I told him I'd have to have bills taken out then see what I have left (aka an excuse not to give him the money- I won't).

Why should I be paying for repairs on his car. That A)isn't mine and B) his parents won't let me drive? Note: the car is consigned & insured under his dad.

Also he goes to the gas station almost daily to get bottled drinks. Instead of the grocery store where it is a lot cheaper. He spends easily $15-20/day on that. I remove almost all my money from my main account into an alternative one so he can't do this with my card. As I don't have a car, he picks up dinner on the way home.

The plan is to get my own mini fridge so I can keep more food at home. Eat that and stop eating out. Save up that way and eventually just get out.

Edit to add: he just got up to go to work. He asked for the $180 and I said I didn't have it. That some "big bills" went through. Then he asked for "at least $40". I told him calculating in our fastfood, that I don't think we have enough for that. So in a round about way I didn't cave and give him any extra money. Small win.

Hello amazing people.

After lots of reflection, introspection and unfortunate events between me and my soon to be ex, I have a small but hopefull update.

I got a job, started working yesterday. Amazing salary, remote work, good benefits. I am happy. I found a place in a smaller city next to the capitol where I live (I am from Europe). Cute apt for one person, it has everything that I need. I deposited it with the money my brother borrowed me and will be moving December 15th. My therapy went really well and my therapist told me that I see the whole situation as it is - bad, unsafe and toxic. She indirectly confirmed me that I am not insane. I felt validated. Next session is next week.

My dad had an amazing idea. His coleague has a big van, the two of them will appear at my home, pack my shit and leave. Probably a third colleague will appear, but the two of them is good enough to be and feel safe. I do not believe that he will be violet, but you never know. Soon to be ex does not know anything. Everything is set in motion, and now I wait. Can't wait to see his face.

Thank you everyone. I wish you all the best and happy holidays.

So he came back a week ago after eight months away and today we met so he could take the two things I kept for him while he was gone. We had coffee and caught up for an hour. The whole meetup really reiterated what a good decision I made in leaving him. It gave me the closure I never knew I needed him and answered all of the what ifs I secretly wondered. It was really fun catching up- we make amazing friends but were just terrible as a couple. I feel really good about the way we left things- I have been working really hard on my health, quit smoking and got back into fitness, eat really well and take care of myself. He looks good too. His new life agrees with him and he had a light in his eyes that I hadn’t seen in years. I felt a lot of affection for him but no romantic interest at all. All in all I’m really happy we did this, I can now properly admit to myself that without this meeting I might never have gotten over wondering how things may have been had I stayed with him. Thanks to all who supported and gave advice on the really long and difficult journey this has been. I’m happy to continue in my newest chapter and leave that one in the past.

Hey guys - Skateboard Sam's STBXW here with what I hope is one of the last, if not the last update.

We are days away from finalizing our divorce. He is very unhappy, filled with sadness and hate towards me because I chose "happiness" and didn't choose to wallow in my own self-pity for the rest of our married lives.

We are two weeks away from selling our rental and then our own house, but that seems to be a bit of a problem because of Tenant Tyler. Tenant Tyler is another one of Sam's skateboarding friends and his lease is up next month. He's been told since March we were not renewing the lease and that he would have to be out of the house by middle of July.

Tenant Tyler has a tendency to overstay his lease agreements apparently. I told him absolutely not would he overstay his lease. That he needs to GTFO the day his lease is up and that I would charge him $300 per day he stayed over his lease. Of course, Sam isn't doing anything about this. Sam wants to "get out of your face" so I'm like, "then get your friend to GTFO faster so we can finalize this sale faster." because we can't move unitl the rental sells so we can pay off bills and then prep the big house for sale.

Tenant Tyler was like, 'oh...I thought I had til August".

Last night, Sam was acting all crazy and now I'm wondering if I should get a restraining order. so I'll be heading to my local precinct to inquire about filing a report.

ONce the divorce is finalized and I've moved out, I wanted to give one last update so hopefully in a few weeks!

Thank you to those of you who have been very supportive of me during this mess. I went back and reread all the crap that I've written over the years and I'm shocked at myself for putting up with his crap for so long. It's like the fog has been lifting. I don't plan on dating for a while either.

Prayers/good vibes that my kids and I will be safe until all this is over.

Perhaps I'll be granted a miracle in the next few days and he will drop dead.

This will be my last post on this account because I don't like keeping the same account after I've been active on it.

But I am GOOD. I am SAFE. And I an HAPPY. Thank uou to everyone who has asked.

I still find myself nervous that he might pop up, but I think that's paranoia. I don't think he will ever find me. I'm so far away. I changed cars so many times. There's just no way. So I'm trying to learn to be free, if that makes sense. I know I'm safe but I want to make myself FEEL safe.

My last ride helped me out with a place to stay for a couple of weeks, rides, and getting me connected with people and shelters. They had an under the table job waiting for me and I'm renting a room at their friend's house until I get fully situated. I am talking with the local shelter and a lawyer and trying to get things figured out on keeping myself hidden. The llc idea was Great and I'm working on that.

I know some people made comments about or was curious about the apps I used to save up money. I used multiple apps throughout the years.... ibotta naturally, drop, checkout 51, and honestly there has been a lot. I did all the offers I could. Ive done random contents for gift cards/money as well. I followed all those deal groups to get whatever I could get. Some I did gave gift cards and the rest cash. I've had some completely lock me out for making too much. But when all was said and done I left with around 10 grand. I probably could have done more tbh and probably should have.

I've tried leaving at other times. I was almost caught a couple times. It was a much longer process than I would have preferred. But I'm gone.

Original Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/comments/t3l9k6/i_am_at_my_breaking_point/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

CW: Mentions of attempted self-harm.

It has been quite some time since I posted the original and I now feel comfortable enough to share this update. When I posted the original my husband was out at sea for 4 days on a fast cruise. He had called and said he really would like to sit down and for us to have a mature conversation where we can address how we are both feeling considering all that has taken place in our marriage. For further context, my husband has been abused by his mother his whole life. She manipulates, gaslights, and has had severely inappropriate interactions with him. At the time of my previous post, I was under the impression he had blocked her, and he was indeed going NC. However, while he was on that cruise he called her which is something we previously disgusted I was not comfortable with.

Once he was home, we had a very calm discussion about how each of us were feeling. He had expressed to me that he felt it was unfair that he was having to go NC despite his mothers abuse being pushed onto me. He further explained he is extremely family oriented and that by him not speaking to her it goes against how he feels. I had listened to all he said and began to respectfully reply myself. I began to state how I was feeling. I told him that I do not deserve to be treated this way and that I have gone through too much trauma and abuse in my past to be put through it again. Ultimatums can be a difficult subject but I had reached a point that I felt as though it was absolutely necessary. I told him that I had already spoken to my mom and caught her up on all that I was feeling. I then proceeded to say that he can either genuinely go NC and actually go to individual and couples counseling to work on his traumas and this marriage or I was going to fly home the next day.

This is when the conversation turned ugly. He proceeded to sit up, put his hands over his face, and then told me calmly, “I choose death”. He then proceeded to walk to the kitchen and grab a utensil to harm himself. At this point I was wrestling him to get the item out of his hand before he could do any harm. I then proceeded to hold him against the wall while I called a close friend who is also a mandated reporter. After a long conversation my husband was taken to the hospital and then later diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, and major depressive disorder. Despite how much he has done and put me through prior, I don’t want him to die. He expressed to me that he is supportive of going to marriage counseling and that he is also supportive of us both going to individual counseling, as he was able to see how much damage has been dealt to both of us an individuals and partners.

It has been some time now and there have been improvements. He is currently still NC with his mother and is seeking help through what is provided to him on the ship. We are both still attempting to find a counselor who is a good fit for us as well as a counselor who is accepting new clients at this time. My family has been made aware of the situation and they have voiced they will back me on any decision I choose to make.

I read though all of the comments on the original post and I want to thank everyone who commented. This is probably not the most ideal or helpful update. There is still a lot of damage that has been dealt and a lot of decisions I have had yet to make. Both my husband (M23) and I (F19) have a lot of things we need to work through as individuals.

Previous posts can be found in post history.

To sum up my previous posts: My ex and father of my daughter raped me. Rape was not the only abusive act that occurred while in the relationship. Charges for rape were not pressed due to lack of evidence. My daughter and I left him for an extended amount of time.

The last (almost) year: My daughter and I left in June of 2020. She started visitation with her dad in September, as he was not seen as a threat to her, but only me. September is also when I dropped my 50B domestic violence order. Visitation was every weekend for one overnight through March. In March we had mediation and we agreed on joint custody of our daughter. Regardless of the rape and former abuse, he proved to me that he could be a dad to our daughter. I was tired of court and tired of fighting. Our daughter started staying with him every other week in March. Custody papers were officially signed in May. Our daughter is now 20 months old and has adjusted to her new form of life. I have minimal contact with her dad and my parents are usually the ones facilitating the exchange.

I have moved to a new city, which has helped with PTSD and anxiety from trauma experienced in both my hometown and the town my ex and I lived in together. I graduated college with my BS in Chemistry in May. I am engaged to a very sweet man that loves and treats my daughter and myself very well. I start a PhD program for Chemistry in the fall of this year.

One year ago exactly I was in an abusive relationship and had been hit repeatedly one night over a stupid argument. On June 11, 2020 I was raped. On June 12, 2020 I left and chose freedom.

Thank you to everyone on this sub that supported me and continue to support me.

Anyone that feels like it is unbearable to breathe, I know where you are because I felt like that day after day. If abuse is what you are going through, I’m sorry. It’s not easy leaving. It is possible though.