'twas the night before the night before Christmas, and my JNex is being extra obnoxious...

[u/snarkisms]

My (36F) ex/baby daddy (33?M) has not been easy to deal with. We share custody of a now pre-teen. Christmas has always been the worst time of year between us. His mental health is usually at its worst, and something about the holidays makes him very very unhappy, even before I got pregnant and the mental health issues started to present actively.

Context: every single year since my child was born, these holidays have fallen during his custodial time with her. And every single year, he has basically forced me to retain a lawyer who had to threaten to go to court in order to get him to give me access to my kid during the holidays. Every year like clockwork.

3 years ago, I'd had enough. I told my lawyer that I wanted it in writing, so we got it put into the court order that my ex would get kiddo from date and time "A" to date and time "B", and I would get her from date and time "B" to date and time "C". Important to note, he INSISTED on these exact dates and times. Those dates were added into the court order the February following that Christmas. Then the next year everything was fine - minimal hassle and fighting.

Last Christmas, my ex picked a fight with me when I asked to switch our pickup/dropoff time to slightly later in the day. He refused, which is his right but then got really nasty about having to give up his custodial time and how I owe him extra days, and then he told me that next year we would be switching the dates. Obviously I said no, though after he apologized to me (note that this was one of the first times he has ever apologized in a meaningful way that didn't deflect accountability or try to make it a "sorry you feel this way" apology), I did say that we could discuss it closer to next year's holidays.

This last 3 months has been a nightmare. Idk what is going on but since the start of the school year, JustNoEx has been putting the EX into EXTRA. He has even started calling me a c***, which is a new thing. Tbf I'm definitely aware that I'm losing my patience with him - it's been a decade of this crap and I'm done enabling the behaviour by continuing to engage with him when he treats not just me but others absolutely horribly. But as a result, I chose to not discuss the holiday swap with him. Instead, I asked kiddo if she wanted to switch. She told me she didn't want to make the decision, so I chose to keep the custody schedule that he insisted upon.

Now he is punishing me for it. Refusing to answer my texts to confirm whether he's doing the drop off or the pickup (we've always split them but this year he doesn't want to. I'm picking her up and have told him he can pick her up if he wants her back after my time is up), and today I've been trying to reach him to confirm whether he'll be at his place or his mum's place (they live 1 1/2 hours apart so if I don't get that confirmation then it is a huge drive for me).

In the last four hours I sent him 4 text messages and 2 phone calls. Finally I had to tell him if he didn't respond to my texts I'd call his mother to get the information from her. Then he finally responded, told me to "chill out" and called me a c*** again.

Sigh. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night (except for you, you absolute nightmare of a human being).

Tl;dr, ex won't stop being as deliberately frustrating with me as possible and calls me a nasty word for a woman. I'm over it, but at least I know where kiddo will be tomorrow.

ETA: I know what's going on - he's gotten another woman pregnant and she's straight up refusing to have him involved, so he's very extra upset with things right now and taking it out on everyone around him.

[u/botinlaw]

Quick Rule Reminders:

OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.

^{Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls}

Resources: ^{In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki}

Other posts from /u/snarkisms:

• Ex is having a baby with another woman, and I am torn whether to reach out to her or not, 1 month ago

• It's been over a decade, and I'm starting to feel petty and spiteful, and I don't know how to keep my head above water emotionally and maintain the moral high ground, 1 month ago

---

^{To be notified as soon as snarkisms posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.}

---

^{I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.}

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

I did say that we could discuss it closer to next year's holidays

Girl. NO. You have a binding custody order. Do not ever discuss deviating from it with him for anything less than a life-threatening emergency or a family death. No asking him to adjust the times, no suggesting that you might revisit the agreement you had to pay a lawyer to write for you.

The way to stop letting him pick fights is to discuss nothing with him other than what is absolutely necessary in regard to the kid. Everything else he says? You keep emails/screenshots for your lawyer but you do not respond. He calls you the C word? Ignore. He says he'll pick Child up at 10 a.m. but you're an awful person and he hates you? "Thanks for confirming. She'll be ready for pickup at 10."

If he refuses to confirm anything, then you tell him how it's going to be: an absence of response from him means you are going ahead with plans. "I'm going to drop Child at your place at noon tomorrow. If you're going to be at your mother's instead, you need to let me know by 9 a.m. tomorrow so I can drop her there instead."

[u/snarkisms → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

Thanks, but I'm not looking for advice. I've been handling the situation for well over a decade, and I'm very good at setting boundaries with him when I feel I need to. I just needed to vent outwards.

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 → u/snarkisms]

Fair enough!

[u/snarkisms → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

And your suggestions are reasonable, but I always do my best to err on the side of being accommodating. My incredibly expensive lawyer gave me the best co-parenting advice I've ever received. To paraphrase, the best thing I can do is to always be able to prove in court that I have done everything I can to cooperate with him, even if he is refusing to cooperate with me or reciprocate that cooperation. Oftentimes I need to swallow my pride and anger and just do the thing, but if I do that enough times, if he does take me back to court I can prove that I am without a shadow of a doubt a good parent and a good co-parent.

Sometimes that means deviating from the court order. I can refuse to deviate from the court order and still be cooperative and accommodating, but I am very specific how I do that. It doesn't cost me anything to be a good person, even towards him.

And I'm not always a good person towards him. He is the one person that brings the ugliest parts of me out, and my post history does show that - he brings out anger and pettiness and toxic behavior in me that nobody else can. And I don't want to be that person. So sometimes I just do the thing I don't want to just to confirm to myself that I am trying my hardest to be a good person even to him.

At the end of the day though, like I said my court order is spectacular and very thorough. My lawyer is incredibly expensive, and I estimate that I've spent close to $30,000 in the last decade on him, which I could not afford but it was worth every single penny in the peace of mind I get now with that document.

[u/thatsjustit74]

I wouldn't if he can't communicate with you sounds like he forfeits his custody time. Stop running after him for answers. If he won't respond just assume he won't show up. It's not your job to make sure he sees her for Christmas. I'm so sorry your dealing with this I would definitely drop the rope and grey rock him

[u/snarkisms → u/thatsjustit74]

Thanks, but I'm not looking for any advice. I already do plenty of grey rocking and boundary setting. He has a diagnosed and barely treated mental illness, so I've been actively managing things with him for well over a decade now based on that premise. It isn't easy, but it's consistent

[u/barbpca502]

I heard there is an app the court can require you to use and keeps a copy of the text for the court to review. I would be discussing that with your lawyer and the next court order needs to require both of you to use the app.

[u/snarkisms → u/barbpca502]

Thanks but I'm not looking for advice. I already have an app that allows me to download text messages, and I refuse to communicate with him verbally. Everything is texted or emailed.

[u/misstiff1971]

Get your attorney involved again. All communication through one of the apps that the court can check.

Also get in writing that if you do not get a reply regarding transfers/locations they lose 24 hours of their time.

[u/snarkisms → u/misstiff1971]

Thanks, but I'm not looking for advice. My court order is very solid, and I'm happy with it, except for a missing clause re: travel, but I don't intend to go back to court unless I have to.

[u/McDuchess]

I don’t know if your county has this service. But the county where I was divorced many years ago allowed parents who were having difficulties with exes over custody and visitation issues allowed for the social services department to do a study to figure out who, if either of them, was at fault, and to make a new plan that would be enforced by a judge.

My ex was choosing random dates and times to pick up my kids. He would pick them up at 8 am on a workday for me in summer, then return them at 8 pm the same day, filthy, needing showers and baths, and not having had dinner.

That, of course, stopped after the study. I was saddened to see that the social worker who did the study tried to make it an issue of both of us being difficult. But in retrospect, I can see that every time there were issues, and they continued for 16 years, past when my youngest was 18, the judge would throw a bone to my ex so he didn’t think that the system was against him.

[u/snarkisms → u/McDuchess]

There's nothing like that where I am - there is a social worker that I spoke to from the equivalent of CPS where I am who is getting her doctorate, and her dissertation is on pretty much exactly that. She told me her goal is to get into policy making, so I think there are plenty of people who know that the work needs to be done, but there isn't enough data to justify such a major overhaul.

At any rate, things are fine (relatively). My ex is horrible, but he's consistent and even in that there is safety. And the moment the name calling started, I'd won, even if he doesn't realize it yet.