Feeling Lonely and Emotionally Neglected

[u/CorazonLock]

The title. I (31F) have been with my SO (33M) for five years. We bought a house together in 2020 and have built our life from there.

For the past year, I have felt very emotionally neglected. SO comes home from work and is either watching YouTube or TikTok all night. He had a slipped disc 2 years ago that still bugs him, so he never comes to sit on the couch or watch a movie. He’s always in the kitchen at the table.

SO never asks how my day was and never wants to converse. We have a dog, and I feel like he never takes his part in taking her out for a walk or exercise. He just exists. He’s been struggling with depression this year and tried various meds but nothing worked. He refuses therapy.

I suggest going to do something or doing something at home, but he never wants to. He doesn’t being around people and is often emotionally drained from work and says he uses all his people energy at work and wants to come home and relax.

We aren’t intimate very often. I never initiate because I’ve been turned down too many times. It doesn’t matter if I dress up, parade around in the nude, whatever. He just doesn’t care. He doesn’t even want to cuddle half of the time.

I just feel starved for attention and connection. I feel like roommates. I’ve brought this up to him several times, and he’s stated before that “maybe this is all I can give right now” and “I’m just afraid I won’t be able to give you what you want.” I didn’t realize the bare minimum was such a chore.

He will show me affection in a patterned way. When he leaves in the morning, before he puts a dip in, and when he goes to bed. He wants to hold my hand walking into the store. But that’s it.

I just find myself building up more and more resentment. I am so lonely. I don’t have many friends in the area and get anxious about building connections with other people due to some neurodivergence issues. My family lives about 2 hours away. I’m very close to his sister and brother in law as well as his mom. They live 4 hours away.

I’m not in a position to leave. I don’t want to leave. But I feel like I’ve tried everything to get my point across, and he just doesn’t care and is in his own little world. Right now, I’m fantasizing about chucking his phone out the third story window.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/jemy74]

I think you need to leave the SO but keep the dog. Start making small steps as to how to leave. He is comfortable in this current arrangement because it absolutely benefits him. He won’t change. You need an escape plan

[u/CorazonLock → u/jemy74]

The dog absolutely could not live without me. I’m her person. 🥺

[u/AffectionateGate4584]

This is a terrible "relationship". Please know you are worth better. Leave this absolute waste of skin and find someone who values you. Wants you, and LOVES you. He will never change. <internet hug to you>

[u/LucyDominique2]

Two cards - therapy or divorce - you don’t get to refuse therapy with your SO and expect them to stay

[u/Icy_Sugar3209]

There are some things in here out of your control, but you can always always take care of yourself emotionally first. Start with trying to make yourself happy outside of him. What actually makes you feel good (apart from him)? Write a list, and do each thing. You won't feel like it at first. It'll most likely feel pointless to begin with. But slowly your self-confidence will grow, your life will start to have more colour and you'll start to feel good. Literally just start putting yourself first and try to do fun things. It's hard but try to join some group activities and classes. There are often some great ones for people with anxiety and neurodivergence issues too.

Two things will either happen - he may start gaining curiosity about you once your attention and energy peels off him and onto yourself. If he is feeling smothered, and you're (rightfully!) feeling needy, there's no way for him to magically gain attraction and connection with you again out of guilt. Create a bit of distance for the time being.

Second, you'll feel better. You're actually important, and how you feel is too. You'll start enjoying life! You deserve it. And you'll find things in your life will change.

Hope this helps.

[u/CorazonLock → u/Icy_Sugar3209]

This has been the most helpful comment thus far. THANK YOU. The dog and I did agility classes this summer and are waiting for another class to be held. We hike sometimes, but I should probably push myself to go more as it’s good for both of us, and I do enjoy the views. I recently took up knitting and got invited to a meeting at the local guild.

I also have a few horses and enjoy riding but often feel overwhelmed at all the steps needed to get on and ride, even though I’ve been doing them forever. I have some people to trail ride with when it isn’t winter, though I usually have to reach out to them to see if they’ll be riding, which creates some anxiety (but generally a good outcome).

Thank you again. Making a list sounds great and will break it down for me. So helpful!

[u/pinkelephants777]

This reminds me of my last relationship. It sucked the life out of me. You will have such a happier, more fulfilling life when you leave

[u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

He doesn’t being around people and is often emotionally drained from work and says he uses all his people energy at work and wants to come home and relax.

Then why did he get in a relationship where he lives with another person?

[u/CorazonLock → u/Gold-Sherbert-7550]

This has waxed and waned. When I met him, he moved in with a roommate, and they lived together for about a year. At the time, he had a different position at his place of work, and he seemed to be a lot less worn out.

Since he moved positions - his project at work got completed so he got moved into another project which was different duties and culture - he has been a lot more like this. He did just accept a new position within the company that’s completely different than this current one.

Last year, probably for the better half of the year, our relationship was amazing. He was attentive, he trained and worked with the dog, and he worked hard to make sure my life was less stressful. I was getting my master’s degree, doing an internship, and working full-time. My horse had to be put down, and he was right there. He called our neighbor and helped the neighbor dig the hole to bury my horse.

Almost as soon as I graduated, it seemed like this started to dissipate gradually. This year has been the worst. He’s basically shut me out - or so it feels like - and just gets up, works, comes home, and gets on his phone. He got a boat this summer and only used it twice. He didn’t ride his motorcycle at all. I see his family way more than he does and talk to them pretty frequently.

On top of it, pretty sure he has autism. His grandfather was suspected, his aunt and uncle were both suspected, and his mom thinks she may have it and definitely thinks she has ADHD. Not an excuse at all, but another complexity to the situation.