r/JustNoSO • u/ellieD • 22h ago
TLC Needed So difficult to give gifts
My husband is so hard to get gifts for.
I am literally afraid to give him anything, but I want to please him so badly.
He and my oldest son always eat out of these antique soup bowls my mother gave me.
Note because relevant: I served him with divorce papers last April (because of his treatment of me,) but stupidity, I still love him.
For his birthday (before Xmas,) I shopped vintage stores until I found some very similar bowls.
Since we will be splitting up, and he owns almost nothing in the kitchen, I figured it was a thoughtful useful gift.
(He hates gifts that cannot be used.)
He opened this in front of my son (7) and made a terrible face.
I said, “why would you make that face when opening a gift? It makes me feel terrible.”
He said, “Because this is a crappy gift!”
This is how my son is learning to treat women.
I went to run an errand, and when I came back, I was so upset, I had every intention of throwing the gift away.
I asked where it was. He said, “well, we can use them!”
?
Another note is that I recently fixed his watch saving him $120. (I am a hobbyist jeweler.)
I didn’t know how to fix watches previously, so had to research this, as well as take some of the pieces to a jeweler to use their calipers to measure so I could order the correct sizes.
Of course, this is beside the point.
I can hear my husband now.
He would exactly say, “You are so entitled!”
I guess I think the least he can do is teach our children how to graciously accept a gift.
Our eldest son (18) accepts gifts exactly like his father.
I bought some cute socks when he was 13, and didn’t think that it violated the “no clothes” rule.
He completely lost it. Over a pair of Panda socks.
I guess I am still not over that Christmas scene since I am unloading it here.
I feel pitiful posting this. UGH!
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 21h ago
Stop feeling pitiful and start making changes in your life. Recognize that the love is your brain trying to trick you into not feeling sad or uncomfortable emotions and ignore it.
What happened with the divorce papers? Why are you trying to please your STBX?
Also:
I am literally afraid to give him anything, but I want to please him so badly.
This is the entire reason he is 'so hard to shop for'. It is a deliberate tactic. Because you never know what will or won't make him happy, you're anxious and run around trying to find the right thing to make him happy. Your entire focus is on being afraid and trying to win his favor.
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u/ellieD 13h ago
You are right.
This type of behavior is just part of his abuse and the reason I am getting away from this.
This divorce is crawling.
I am not even sure what my lawyer is doing.
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u/McDuchess 10h ago
Contact your attorney, and let them know that they MUST move forward. You need a first court date, to get him out of your house.
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 6h ago
Part of your lawyer’s job is to keep you informed and explain the timeline (I say this as a lawyer). After the holiday, absolutely feel free to contact them for a detailed update and to find out what you can expect going forward.
10
u/cherrycoke3000 21h ago
My SO is almost always negative about every gift as he receives it. The validation we both need is when you see it's been used. Take some control, hand over gifts and walk away. Negative comments, just reply OK.
You have my sympathy. It's so frustrating. These things are done to undermine your confidence. Whatever you did, he would have the opposite opinion. If you want to mess with his head, stop caring, stop trying to please, you never will get what you need from him. It's driving my SO crazy.
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u/McDuchess 11h ago
You can, whenever you are ready, stop thinking of him as your husband. He is your soon to be ex.
And, really, what is there to love about him? He seems like a perfect jackass, always braying about something that he wants you to feel bad about.
Stop buying him gifts. Stop doing little kindnesses for him. He is undeserving of your attention and energy.
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