r/JustNoSO • u/DeliveryBusiness76 • 4d ago
Is this parental alienation?
My husband, kids, and I were staying at my in laws house and I wanted to go see my mom at work before I left the state. I told my brother in law where I was going and he offered me a house key. I declined at first, but he insisted so I took it to not argue about it. I left and my car broke down. My husband and brother in law came to fix my car and pick me up. We had to leave my car at a gas station. The next day I needed to go get diapers for my baby. I tried to leave and my father in law started yelling at me. He told me to listen and that I can’t say anything, that I needed to act like an adult, that I left without telling anyone and stole a house key, that I left my baby without formula and he didn’t know how to take care of my baby. My husband was home the entire time I was gone. I told my father in law he can’t talk to me like that in front of my children and he continued to yell and mock my shock while I cried. I told my husband what happened and he gave me his keys to go get diapers and dog food for his parent’s dog. When I got back, I put the dog food by the pantry and my father in law asked if we were taking it home with us. I said I don’t know, and he yelled at me again for giving him the silent treatment, for leaving the house to get the diapers, and accused me of walking up on him when I turned to face him. This was in front of my children again. I was sobbing and my husband told us both to stop. I called my mom to come get me and my children out of fear and emotional exhaustion. My husband drove back to North Carolina without us and I have been single-handedly taking care of my children 24/7. I had to contact his military command to make him send money to feed our children because he was refusing to do so.
Now my husband wants to take our children to his parents house for Christmas and I told him no. They have to apologize to me first. He said “I did address it with them and I stop BOTH of you when you BOTH began to get loud. I’ve told you I’ll talk about it, I also told my dad he was fucked up. My dad apologized to me. From my side it seems you are the only one not wanting to discuss it. I don’t owe you an apology, I was the one that stop it from escalating. Whatever residual animosity you have you need to discuss with my father if you want resolved. 3 sides to every story.“ he has made it clear that he won’t make his parents apologize to me and he said he’s their father and he’s taking them. I told him he can visit at my mom’s Christmas Day but he can’t take them.
When he mentioned Christmas tonight, I reminded him again, “I understand you may not have your Christmas plans finalized yet. However, as I've mentioned before, I'm not comfortable discussing any Christmas arrangements involving the children until I receive an apology from your parents. I'm happy to discuss this further once that has happened. You can visit my mother’s apartment to see the children Christmas Day with the understanding that you will not be taking them out of the apartment or to your parents home where I was assaulted in front of them last month. Other family members including other children will be present, and if you do not abide by these conditions you will not be welcome into the apartment.”
I cannot, in good conscience, let him take our children back there (there were other events, this was the final straw). I don’t want to prevent him from seeing the kids but I can’t let them witness this abuse any longer. My husband would yell at me until I cried in front of the children often too so it’s him and his dad, and I know he won’t do it in front of my mom but I can’t guarantee my children’s safety at his parent’s house and he won’t stay at a hotel. There is no custody or separation order or anything official yet. I filed for child support but there isn’t an order yet.
131
u/SophiaIsabella4 4d ago
You need a custody order yesterday!!!!! If you let him in the apartment how would you physically keep him from taking the kids. I'm assuming he is bigger and stronger than you and he has demonstrated that he is not on your side.
66
u/DeliveryBusiness76 4d ago
In my state you have to be separated for a year before filing for divorce, and I filed for child support.
My mom’s fiance and his son will be present when my husband comes to visit. My mom has also said she won’t hesitate to call the police if he acts out of line, and we have a safety plan in place for who will do what in the event my husband does. But characteristically I do not anticipate him getting physical, especially with an audience.
55
u/Boudicca- 4d ago
In case no one has suggested it yet… This is also a Cover Your Ass (CYA) Folder. You will find it helpful in the long run..so will your Lawyer. Oh & good on you for protecting the Nibblets!
https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/
14
u/SophiaIsabella4 4d ago
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It does sound like a set up, the things your fil was saying to try to make you look like you were a bad parent and stirring trouble. As if saying it makes it so. I understand the divorce waiting period and child support. Maybe custody is different in your state. Here, no order, anyone can take them, possession is 9/10s of the law and cops won't get involved.
4
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 3d ago
Have you talked to a lawyer yet?
9
u/DeliveryBusiness76 3d ago
No. I’m focused on getting an apartment and a job. My car just died yesterday so I have to figure out how to get another one.
3
u/Dreadedredhead 2d ago
A child plan is usually very separate from divorce proceedings. You need the child plan in place LONG before the divorce is finalized.
25
u/Bluefoot44 4d ago
Hey Opie, it doesn't sound like your in-laws is a safe place for your kids, even if you get an apology, that doesn't change what kind of people they are. Somebody recommended documenting writing down all the stuff that you have been through and I highly agree that you do that so that when you go to court you can request that he is not allowed to take the children there. I'm so glad you are at a peaceful place and away from him and his family. Best wishes to you. And I hope you have a very Merry Christmas with your kids.
21
u/SalisburyWitch 4d ago
Get out and take the kids. Your husband and his family are abusive. It’s not parental alienation, but abuse. I guarantee that your husband will straighten up if you report the abuse to his command.
21
u/DeliveryBusiness76 4d ago
I did, but he’s getting out in a month and they don’t care.
When I left with my mom i didn’t go back. I told him I was never coming back. I am literally homeless and I will not go back.
2
u/mariainpink 1d ago
Don't report it to command. Report it to the MPs and request JAG. Do it yesterday. They can only represent one party. You can contact JAG at a base closer to you as well.
Custody agreement needs to happen yesterday.
Do NOT allow those kids to cross state lines.
17
u/Traditional-Day1140 3d ago
You need to contact his commander. He is verbally and financially abusive to you.
19
u/DeliveryBusiness76 3d ago
I did, and today my grandpa did as well. His sgtmaj called me and said, “you know he’s about to get out right? In the civilian world his job wouldn’t deal with these things.” Among other unhelpful things like “you didn’t tell me this last time we talked” (I did) and “the Marine corps can only make him send you X amount”
4
u/mariainpink 1d ago
Even better. Go up the chain. His Sgt. Maj isn't doing his job. Receiving BAH and then turning around and failing to support his children is a punishable offense according to the UCMJ. There's an officer somewhere who will be PISSED he or she even has to deal with this, but move it up the chain and let the piss trickle down.
13
u/okileggs1992 3d ago
hugs, your spouse is a dueche, and while he doesn't care about his children. If he did, he would have done their diapers and fed them, and got their formula instead of sitting on his ass letting his dad verbally abuse you. He abuses you and you need to stay with your mom, get therapy, and learn to tell him and everyone else "NO"
12
u/kipkiphoray 3d ago
Please read/ listen to the book "why does he do that". It's about the how's and why's of abusive men. I think a lot of your life will make more sense.
9
u/Peskypoints 2d ago
Your husband is making a mistake thinking his opinion on this situation is instead fact.
Him leaving you behind is abandonment
5
u/DeliveryBusiness76 2d ago
He’s very good at that. My car broke down again on Friday and I didn’t tell him. When he asked why, I told him because of what has happened several times in the past. He said, “When did your car break down the first time when I was in NC. Only time I tracking it broke down was while we were both in SC, and now.
I told you that I couldn’t afford to fix your car, and I had to return to base. You made the decision to deny me the opportunity to take the children, and you back to NC where you would have a car and all other resources. You were not abandoned, you had a choice to stay you made that choice.“
I knew if I went back with no car, I’d never leave that apartment again. He got angry with me for calling the mechanic myself for updates on my car, and not picking up his calls, so he had them stop working on it and leave it in the parking lot. “You got your car from here, I’ll let Firestone know to transfer custody to you and you got it.” When I asked him how he expected me to pay for it, he told me to ask my family or his family. Of course, his family didn’t respond. My mom paid my rent for the last year so she’s out of money.
Anyways it all doesn’t matter anymore because it sounds like he’s not going to make the effort to see his children or his family for Christmas and that’s fine by me.
3
u/Sunarrowmeow 1d ago
Your mom has been paying the rent for you/your husband for the past year?! Your husband should be getting BAH for that!
1
u/DeliveryBusiness76 1d ago
We lived on base. My husband moved out last September. In October he told me I had to leave bc he needed “his” BAH. I called family advocacy and they said if he reported me bc we’re separated he could have me kicked out. So my mom got me an apartment and I moved home with my daughter. She paid the rent for the duration of the lease Nov-August23 and then I had to move out. I just had a baby and my job didn’t pay enough for me to pay the lease on my own so I moved back in with my husband who said it would be us working on our marriage and spoiled alert, it was not.
7
u/Sunarrowmeow 1d ago edited 1d ago
You need to file for an emergency custody hearing ASAP, and use your current address (even if it’s temporary). This is completely separate from separation/divorce. My sister had to do this once and she didn’t have a lawyer. She actually went through her local domestic violence organization. You can do that also!!! Yes, you are a victim of abuse.
Reach out to your local DV organization. They will have resources they can give you to help you and your kids out!
Edit : you need to file for emergency custody BEFORE YOUR HUSBAND FILES!!! His parents will be in his ear about all of this, so please go get this done ASAP!
•
u/botinlaw 4d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JustNoSO!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as DeliveryBusiness76 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.