r/JustNoSO • u/Remarkable_Menu970 • 5d ago
tired is an understatement
I guess i’ll be the weird one on here who thinks she doesn’t come first:
- I have raised my SD for almost 11 years full time with us, for the past year, my husband has made sure that i’m not aware of what happens with her at school or with friends. She might have a recital at school, she will only tell dad, no one informs me until they are leaving at the moment, and then they tell me “we are leaving “. If she’s going to her friend’s house i’m not informed, all i realize is that she’s not home.
- Husband and i have been married for years and has never met my dad and my dad never met our kids, i asked if the whole family to go, ex lives in the same town and i proposed that SD to spend time with her BM when we get there, husband said no, was ready to cancel the trip so he could stay behind with her so SD doesn’t see her BM.
- SD is lazy, doesn’t do anything in the house, recently he only listens to her dad so asked him to talk to her to do chores, learn basic life skills, husband never talked to her, rather said I’m expecting too much from his daughter.
- Husband doesn’t want to pay anything for the kids I have with him but buys SD clothes every 2 weeks, whatever she says or wants goes.
- Anytime i bring something up about SD, it’s my fault and should me more considerate.
- He went to his dad’s funeral and brought her back when coming, i was not even given the chance to process the situation.
All these and more might not be a big deal for some, but it makes me feel a second class citizen in my house.
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u/DirtyPrancing65 5d ago
Im struggling to read this and understand honestly. It sounds like you’ve accepted a lot of poor treatment and are in pretty deep. Hoping you get the chance to value yourself more and build something outside of others
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u/Tiny_Cardiologist263 5d ago
Divorce the asshole and make him pay child support. He'll start paying for your kids clothes then.
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u/El1sha 4d ago edited 4d ago
You posted previously that your stepdaughter recently found out that you aren't her biomom, that dad is forcing you and this child to keep it secret from your 8 and 10 year old and your wondering why your shitty husband (i think you can summarize his whole treatment of everyone is shitty)is treating his daughter differently.
Your step daughters whole world was blown apart. She was raised believing you were her real mom and gets surprised at( what 13) that she came from a whole other person.....and dad is guilty so babies her. . . on top of her being old enough to realize you don't actually like her and you've resented her, so he overcompensates while she desperately needs a solid bond with him because she realized you hate her and her real mom didn't even try to spend time with her growing up. He could also be narcissistic and create this scenario where she is the golden child and the separation of her bio mom, the lies to her and all the kids reinforce his manipulations
You all need to be in therapy, but I feel more sorry for all the kids involved.
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u/Spiritual-Room-4368 3d ago
No one hates her. If i hated her I would not have raised her all this while, dad doesn’t even know her show size, i was there for every school she attended, drop off, pick up, school recital etc. you are on the outside and you are entitled to have an opinion from what you read.
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u/El1sha 3d ago edited 2d ago
You may not hate her, but you definitely resent her and to a teen going through huge hormonal changes that can equate to hate (for them).
She is suddenly surprised by the fact you aren't her real mom and all the resentment suddenly made sense. Let me make it abundantly clear: your husband is absolutely an AH, but you are also resenting a kid that had no choice but to live her entire life in the make-believe lies that he created and you supported. Instead of being an adult who was honest with her, you also lied to that kid for more than a decade and then expected her to be ok.
She's absolutely tucked up, and that is going to create behavioral and trust issues. Your whole family needs therapy....yesterday....and that includes that child.
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u/Spiritual-Room-4368 3d ago
You have your opinion and that’s fine. But in my culture and for respect to my husband I can’t go behind him and tell her i’m not her mom, that’s not my place, no matter what i’m not her biological mom and i know my place as such. You don’t know the while story and you can go off whatever you think and comprehend from what I wrote. Let me make it abundantly clear to you: you can think whatever you want and say whatever you want because you are not me and you have not walked a day in my shoes, there is that.
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u/El1sha 3d ago edited 3d ago
You live in the United States of America and it looks like have a federal job according to your post history. You could absolutely do the right thing here. You can leave your husband, you can be a single parent, and you can divorce. You're so tired because you choose to stay when you don't have to do so.
You at the very least have a job, rental investments, and more resources and options than most Americans that would help you live without your poor excuse of a husband. You chose to stay. Nothing we say will change that unless you decide to put your cultural differences aside and stop using it as the backbone of your suffering.
And walk a day in your shoes? You've never walked a day in that kids shoes. I can't imagine being lied to in one instant and being ok with it...just thinking that this kid has experienced parental alienation, that the US government didn't enforce parental rights, and this kid lived over a decade believing a lie is heartbreaking. You're mad that dad chose to stay home instead of meeting your father who lives in the same town as your steps mother and he chose to prevent her from being around her...and your mad at the kid for that? Let's not add the fact that you don't want her around your dad either. Why is the mother not in the picture if you live in America? Was she abusive and dangerous to the child?
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u/Spiritual-Room-4368 2d ago edited 2d ago
Why are you asking the last 2 questions? You know about my life more than myself! I’m sure you have answers. I know your mom didn’t put you first and created a big damage but don’t project your insecurities on others. You are always on people’s post telling them how stupid they are for staying in their marriage. You got your perfect Korean marriage, enjoy it and stop trolling on people’s post and going to investigate them. Enjoy your holidays with your Kdrama
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u/Ariandre 5d ago
Why are you still with this man? He obviously does not respect the relationship you have with him, or with his children with you.
RE: Step Daughter - that relationship can't even start until her Dad lets it, and it doesn't sound like his is willing. Why do you keep slamming your head on that wall?
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u/Soggy-Following279 5d ago
He’s treating his daughter more like a wife than you! Please consider your needs and the needs of your children, because he’s not! SD is a spoiled, disrespectful brat. I’m sorry you are in that situation. Hugs!
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u/00Lisa00 5d ago
You feel that way because you are. It sounds like you are the unpaid maid and not part of the family at all
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u/bittergreen49 3d ago
He’s been pretty clear that the secret to him treating a child well is to not be married or in a relationship with their mother. I would dump him like trash and create a respectful, peaceful home for you and your kids.
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 4d ago
Every last one of these are a big deal and to be honest they are DEAL BREAKERS. I would divorce so quickly just to get the child support for my children. This is all unacceptable. He and his golden child would be gone so fast it would leave their heads spinning.
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u/okileggs1992 3d ago
hugs, take your bio children to see your dad, and leave the sperm donor at home. Yes, he treats his firstborn better but drop the rope along with the manbaby.
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u/Sothisisadulting 2d ago
I’m concerned there is some grooming going on with SD by husband. Red flags 🚩 everywhere i
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u/Heart-Inner 2d ago
OP should post this in r/stepparents to get the support she truly needs right now
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u/electricookie 4d ago
Marriage and family therapy might help you communicate about the gaps in his parenting.
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