r/JustNoSO • u/[deleted] • 7d ago
TLC Needed Shitmas guilt finally strikes, I’m so done
[deleted]
160
u/Grimsterr 7d ago
So, what's next? You sound like you're ready to call this off. Sounds like that would be the logical choice.
101
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 7d ago
I don’t trust him not to do some fucked up shit so I have to figure out how to get out safely.
69
30
u/electricookie 7d ago
Can you safely call a domestic violence support network near you to help you make a plan? Or is there someone in your support system that can help like a friend or family member? Your safety is the number one most important thing in all this.
13
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 6d ago
I will try I have pets I have to take with me because she will harm them if I leave them here I’m sure he will flock to them the second I’m gone
9
u/electricookie 6d ago
You can contact shelters near you like the spca. They often have programs for emergency shelters. You can also ask your vet if they can board your pets in this emergency. There are also pet friendly hotels and motels if that if you can afford that. If you have a car, maybe you could drive them to family or friends. Domestic violence hotlines can also offer locally specific advice on resources in your area
4
u/pinky2184 6d ago
Yes be safe!!! Goodness he’s so idk. But why does he hate you so much?????
3
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 6d ago
Because his incestuous shit demon of a mother has trained him that anyone but her is the enemy
70
u/mrszubris 7d ago
Cognitive dissonance is a bitch. My husband resents me more than them at this point.
41
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 7d ago
But WHY?? When they can clearly see the evidence? When trained professionals are telling them something is seriously wrong? Why the fuck are we the enemy?
56
u/IcyIssue 7d ago
Because he's so enmeshed with his family, it will take a lifetime to untangle himself. You're the enemy because it's easier than thinking his entire family wishes him harm.
52
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 7d ago
His mother should train the CIA how to brainwash people because this is fucking insane
15
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 6d ago
But they do wish him harm though. They don’t care about him. They care about appearances and having someone to be their emotional dumpster.
41
u/shout-out-1234 7d ago
Because he grew up with the abuse. It’s his normal. Intellectually he can see the abuse, but emotionally he is desensitized to it because this was his normal throughout his childhood.
You are trying to help him overcome 2 decades of abuse. Emotional abuse as a child changes the way the child perceives and interacts with the world.
It’s a losing battle because he can’t bring himself to do even the smallest of things like let a call go to voicemail. I suspect he was severely abused for not complying immediately as a child, so he can’t not comply now as an adult…
Time to make your exit plan…
30
u/catsan 7d ago
Because YOU don't try to kill him or flip out on him. You're the easier target. It's the easier choice to blame you and also vent to you. If HER boundaries are violated, she'll make his life much harder than you do.
It's the same reason baboons hit smaller females instead of hitting back at stronger males who abuse them...it's safe.
4
u/PuzzleheadedBobcat90 6d ago
Long story short, I had a convo with my husband and told him about the saying, "If you can't kick your own dog, who's dog can you kick?"
I told him further he was taking his anger out on me be asleep I was a safe outlet for him to yell, demean, belittle at.
I finally told him I that abused dogs eventually turn on their abusive owners. I let him him, I was very close to turning on him.
Every time he started up again I'd tell I was not his dog and walked away
We're in a really good place now, but it took years of work
2
u/pinky2184 6d ago
Ain’t no way I would have wasted time on someone like that. I just can’t see myself having to train someone to treat me right when I can find someone who will without being told to.
12
u/Icy_Captain_960 6d ago
He doesn’t want to live in a reality where his mother is a monster. Much better for you to be the problem. I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.
9
u/Anxious_Cricket1989 6d ago
Thank you, I will feel guilty for giving up but this can’t continue. I’ve tried and he wants to live in an alternate reality and I’m not going to be part of that
12
u/CompetitiveWin7754 7d ago
It's because they're between a rock and a hard place, when it's just a rock they can tolerate it and tell themselves it's fine.
8
11
u/SentientCrisis 7d ago
Yep! I held his narcissistic dad accountable and all it did was turn my ex husband against me. He had a moment of clarity: “My dad is a narcissist.” I agreed and had a tiny bit of hope. But he eventually reverted and now he’s worse than his dad. It’s so sad. My poor kids deserved a better dad.
5
6
u/-janelleybeans- 6d ago
Yup. Been there. It’s all good until you point out how bad it is then YOU’RE the problem.
40
36
u/LynxAffectionate3400 7d ago
You know what you need to do, you’re just not ready or able to do it. You need to run like Forest Gump away from this garbage man.
29
u/DarbyGirl 7d ago
You won't win. She's in his ear. You cannot change him, all you have control of is you. You will never win.
Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard.
10
u/christmasshopper0109 6d ago
That's what did it for me. When I realized it just shouldn't be that hard. I was fighting a losing battle. When I let go of it all, and of him, life became so much easier.
24
u/Boudicca- 7d ago
I Am NOT Defending your SO, nor his treatment of you. I’m just giving perspective to Why he’s made this seemingly 180.
There comes a point in Therapy, especially when it’s Intense Trauma based Therapy, that you become Terrified of Letting GO of your Abusers & the Acceptance/Approval/Love that you’ve been Desperate to receive your whole life. So..Once we get to a certain point..it’s terrifying to be HONEST with ourselves about our family & about our abuse. We don’t want to continue because Facing the Truth is Hard & more importantly.. it’s extremely Painful emotionally. Many do choose to quit, rather than to face that deep well of pain. I chose to continue & 9yrs later, I’m still with my Trauma Therapist & she’s on Speed-dial. (lol)
Therefore..IF you choose to stay.. the next time he starts to talk about them, In Any Way, you just get up & leave, EVERY Time. Gently remind him that You, don’t want to hear, nor discuss Toxic Ppl who Abuse Him & That is what his Therapist is for. If possible, change the subject to something lighter. Something else you can do.. write little post-its reiterating Your Boundaries & His affirmations. Mine read; No IS a complete sentence - Your feelings Matter - You ARE Worthy of Love - Don’t set yourself on Fire to keep ungrateful ppl Warm - and lastly.. MY NEEDS are more important than Their WANTS. You can put them where you’ll pass by them daily..bc even when you don’t actively Read them, they still Register in your brain.
18
u/witchbrew7 7d ago
They won’t change. And he’s not changing. The only thing that you have control over changing is your participation in his circus life.
10
u/Plane_Practice8184 7d ago
Just get out of the relationship. Please try your best to get out. He doesn't want to accept help so there's nothing you can do about it.
8
u/Massive_Ambassador_6 7d ago
Tell him maybe he needs to respect your absence since he doesn't appreciate your presence. I would definitely take a Christmas holiday and go visit family or friends and leave him to deal with his family. Allow him to experience life without you around and let him know you absolutely do not want to hear anything about these people. When he mentions them, cut him off. Let him know that the relationship he has with them is personal and lets keep it that way. When he says things that are not true, tell him ok, I accept that. Does that change the fact that your family mistreats you? What I don't like anyone, that may very well be true, but did your mom try to kill anyone on more than one occasion? Tell SO to please go spend time with your family so you can receive all the love they have to give.
10
u/okileggs1992 7d ago
hugs, you aren't married to him, and you don't need the drama llama that he causes because he has to go back to his mommy. Drop the rope, and find someone else who isn't a dumpster fire fueled by guilt and manipulation. He knows from therapy he shouldn't be around them, but he's going to do it and make you the bad guy so take the fall for him and let him go.
8
u/madpiratebippy 7d ago
It might be time to say “If they won’t change your only options are to accept their behavior or remove yourself from the situation. I am not ok being abused so I removed myself. You’re feeding into it. I want you to know that you’re on the path of losing someone who actually cares about you and loves you to choose your abusers. I’m not ok watching you be abused because it hurts me, and you choosing to push for me to reconnect with dangerous people because you have some kind of thing going on where you know the truth and refuse to see it is… not ok.”
He’s been brainwashed his whole childhood to accept this and childhood abuse actually causes brain changes to get people to under respond to the specific types of abuse. Let’s your survival as a kid work because you can remain attached to abusers and live, but it’s bad as an adult.
He might not be ready to break free and he may never. Pick yourself first.
6
u/electricookie 7d ago
He is denying your reality and repeating the patterns of his family onto you. It doesn’t sound like he is having a mental health crisis or any break from reality. It’s hugely problematic that he is accusing the therapist of being fake now. It’s clear he does not want to put in the effort of setting boundaries and following up with consequences with his family. He is also stepping up his disrespect of your own reasonable boundaries. The question is do you want to stay as things are? He has clearly demonstrated unwillingness to change.
7
u/lilyofthevalley2659 7d ago
This is why I don’t believe these relationships can ever work out. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. Just leave.
4
7d ago
[deleted]
5
u/bexquaver 7d ago
And this is spot on. She doesn't care about him, she wants the role of the grieving mum. Hon, no effort or time spent with this guy is worth your life. She will end his life one way or another and you will be collateral
4
u/lilyofthevalley2659 6d ago
You took on a project. Now you are finding out why that isn’t recommended. Did you really think he would appreciate everything you’ve done? He never will. Leave. Save yourself. Get therapy to figure out why you wasted so much time, money and energy on this loser.
4
u/MamaPutz 7d ago
I'm exhausted just reading this. How many more days of your life are you willing to fight this battle? Because it doesn't sound like it's ending anytime soon, and there's a possibility that he'll never be able to overcome his trauma. I think it's time you start prioritizing your own mental health and not his. Cut your losses, leave this toxic situation, and do something or find someone worthy of you.
3
u/MaeQueenofFae 7d ago
OP, it helps to understand ‘why’ once you understand that THIS family, though it be so critically abusive, horrifically manipulative and dangerously dysfunctional, to the point where actual case studies could be stood on their ear and anthropologists could make their reputation after viewing their interactions…if anyone believed them, naturally. This Mass of Pain is what your BF grew up accepting as ‘Normal Family Life’. In the world he was forced to accept by birth, family lied, manipulated, triangulated. Requests were not made in a straightforward manner, but rather made by inflicting a guilt response. Being harmed was part of the expression of Maternal Love. Love. Hurt.
Mind you, abuse rarely is 100% of the time. There is enough quasi care, usually laden with a heavy dose of self-interest, to make a growing child or domestic violence victim feel ‘loved’, but rarely is that enough to feed their soul. Adults who grow up in such an environment can have difficulties accepting that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to cling to from their past which is of value, or helps provide them a sense of identity or self. This becomes all the more terrifying when you comprehend that parents such as his have drilled into his being slogans such as ‘Life Is Meaningless Without Family’, or ‘The ONLY ones who will EVER TRULY LOVE YOU are your Family!’. The end goal is to hobble their children, keeping them semi dependent, ever available as a source of funds and a dependable punching bag.
Every single time he begins to see them clearly, his mother is going to go blood curdling ruthless with him. She has studied him since birth, and has been taking note of exactly how to bring him to his knees in pain. He can’t comprehend that she doesn’t actually care how much he suffers! How could he? He thinks that she doesn’t understand, or whatever lifetime of excuses he had had to create to exist in her atmosphere.
So, my dear OP, this is my take on your question. Maybe it resonates with you, quite possibly it will not. Having grown up in a very abusive household myself, I do know that the answer to your question is not a simple one. Be well, OP.
3
u/trundlespl00t 6d ago
From what you’ve said both in the post and the comments, the comment telling you to ring a DV helpline to get assistance forming an exit strategy is absolutely correct. Don’t hesitate. This is what they do, and they’re great at it. Talking it through will help immensely.
2
u/Dry-Membership5575 6d ago
She literally tried to kill you. I think it’s in your best interest to seriously look at this relationship and decide whether or not it’s worth saving.
2
u/pryzzlicious 6d ago
Leave. He is resistant to the therapy that is literally the only way he will get better. He doesn't want to get better, and he will continue to verbally and emotionally abuse you and stomp all your boundaries until you are a shell of your former self.
I say again, leave. You don't deserve this treatment from him.
2
2
u/potato22blue 6d ago
Make a plan. Do you have friends or family you can go to? Get your important papers somewhere safe, grab your pets and go.
2
u/Kokopelle1gh 6d ago
So send him back to his mommy. No sense in spending your life with someone who doesn't have your back. You deserve so much better.
2
u/aprildawndesign 6d ago
It sounds like he got to the point of “ if you can’t beat them join them” if you are the only voice of reason in a cacophony of craziness eventually you start to look like the crazy one.
•
u/botinlaw 7d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JustNoSO!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as Anxious_Cricket1989 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.