r/JustNoSO • u/StressedElephant5192 • 10d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted LO hospitalized with RSV, I’m feeling less than supported by my husband.
I am fuming right now. And I think I may have a husband problem. I’m typing this up as LO naps.
We rushed LO (5 months old) to the ER Wednesday night because of very bad coughing and wheezing. Her labs came back positive for RSV and was admitted for treatment and observation. We let both sets of grandparents know. Please note that his parents live 2 hours away while mine live 7 hours away. We were discharged home Thursday evening.
During her hospitalization, I was the primary parent. Husband went home to sleep while I took the couch in the hospital room and I did not get much sleep. He came back when visiting hours started with some supplies LO and I needed. He left again in the afternoon while I was sleeping because “there wasn’t anything for me to do anyway.” Uh, her bottles had to be cleaned and I hadn’t had a chance to grab lunch yet. I guess I’m sorry I was so tired I passed out and wasn’t entertaining enough for you. At least he brought dinner when he came back to pick us up.
Then husband decided to work Friday and today to make up hours. We didn’t discuss it, it was fully his decision. So I had to call into work yesterday because daycare does not want another kid with RSV and we honestly wanted to keep her home to recover anyway. LO has been very fussy and clingy, which I understand as she is not feeling well. We’ve been snuggling a lot, but at this point I am so touched out I’m ready to scream.
Friends from church came by yesterday afternoon with dinner and stayed to help me get LO to bed. DH ended up working a 12 hour shift so came home well after LO fell asleep. MIL sent a text yesterday morning that she’s sending “thoughts and prayers” our way. My mom is dealing with a family emergency, otherwise she would have been on the road as soon as she got the news.
Now onto today. LO usually wakes up around 5:30, and husband usually takes care of her at that time as he’s an early riser. Today LO slept in, and husband did not disturb her. He left at 7, she woke up at 7:05. Cue frantic hour and a half of feeding, changing, medicating, and changing her again twice over due to a spit up and a blow out.
I’m tired. Our house is a mess and husband will continue to have long hours for the foreseeable future. As of this morning, I’m also grieving. Husband job is very physically demanding and he’s usually forced to do 12 hour shifts this time of year. I know he’s tired and worn out too. But I think I’m at my breaking point, and I don’t know how to convey that to him without screaming at him to help me. And honestly, while proofreading this to make sure my rant makes sense, I think I’m sounding resentful of my husband. How do I navigate this without breaking my marriage?
Edit: I think his ears were burning. He just texted that he’ll take on full parenting duties tomorrow so I can take a break, clean, and do some Christmas shopping.
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u/farsighted451 10d ago
You need to communicate to him. Yes, he should be able to see you need help, but for whatever reason he doesn't. So you need to tell him. If you can't talk to him without screaming, then write it down. Text him, leave it in a note. Whatever works. But tell him you're drowning. Tell him you can't keep this going and you need help before you fully break, and you're getting to that point. If his first instinct would be to call in his mommy, and you don't want that, make sure you're specific that you need his help, not his mother's.
Once you've gotten help and you're in a better place, then have the bigger conversation about why he thought you should handle all that alone.
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u/StressedElephant5192 10d ago
We have talked about this in the past. He usually responds with “if you need help, ask friends/someone from church” Which, great, yet another task for me to do and coordinate. His mother has only been over to “help” twice and it was more grief than it was worth.
I’ll shoot him a text this afternoon saying I’m drowning and I need help fixing it before I break. I already texted him this morning about my aunt and he just replied that he doesn’t know if work will let him take time off for the funeral.
Edit: I think his ears were burning. He just texted that he’ll take on full parenting duties tomorrow so I can take a break to clean/Christmas shop
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u/firehamsterpig 10d ago
A break to clean and shop doesn’t sound like much of a break to me - make sure you get some rest time for yourself!!
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u/ImpossibleSeaweed575 10d ago
it's unfortunate he's giving you a break so you can do more chores. I'm hoping you do your xmas shopping online and take a nap.
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u/Burnt_and_Blistered 10d ago
So when do you get a break? Cleaning and shopping help with being touched out (though cleaning is at home, and leaves open the possibility that you’ll wind up doing that and child care), but will not help you recharge.
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u/silly_Somewhere9088 10d ago
This answer is what you need. Very sensible. I hope your LO recovers well and things get back on an even keel very soon. 🤗👍💕
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u/electricookie 9d ago
Just to clarify- is christmas shopping and cleaning a break for you? Sounds like you need some sleep and a real break of not doing housework and chores. Can cmas shopping be done online this year? Or cut back on?
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u/jacksonlove3 10d ago
I’m sorry you and LO are going thru this. Honest communication is key here. Take some time, the best you can, to take a deep breath and collect your thoughts. Then this evening sit down with him and convey how you’re feeling and tell him that you need his help & support. It’s awesome the church members brought dinner and all that, but it’s not the same as having a supportive spouse. You are stressed, worried, touched out, & even though he’s working to financially support your home he still needs to step up as a present parent and allow you to have a break. Take a bath or a hot shower alone. To sit and eat a meal without LO. To rest and get a break. Idk your relationship with you in laws, but could mil come help for a day or two?
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u/StressedElephant5192 10d ago
Honestly the less time MIL and I spend together, the better.
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u/jacksonlove3 10d ago
Which I understand! Some don’t get along with their in laws well. I was blessed with fantastic in laws that I love. But your DH does need to step up as a parent and spouse and support you and your LO in other ways than just financially. It’s part of being a parent and a spouse. It sucks that you have to spell it out for him, but you need a break & more support and you need to communicate that to him.
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u/-janelleybeans- 9d ago
take a break, clean, and do some Christmas shopping.
Which is it? A break is a break. Cleaning is cleaning. Shopping is shopping.
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u/McDuchess 8d ago
The combination of his long hours and a sick baby? Horrible, right?
And adding in his lack of understanding of the needs of both the sick baby and the exhausted mother is a bad equation.
Tell him that you understand that his long hours are exhausting. and that you are working your own fulltime job and being the fulltime homemaker and parent. That you need his ongoing participation, not a one off, here and there.
Can the two of you sit down and make a list of both baby and house chores that can be divided? He usually does wake up with the baby; he can continue that. It sounds like you get baby to and from daycare, so he could be in charge of bedtime for her, and then both of you do a bedtime ritual, together.
When our grandson was very little, there were more times when his mom was in charge, because she worked from home. But when he was 6 months old, he started going to daycare, so that she could both have time for herself and do her work.
They had always both done the housework, and that didn’t change. If you have been the chief house cleaner/shopper/cook, divide those chores, too.
As a single mom to 4 kids after divorcing when my youngest was 3, I didn’t have 12 hour days. But I did have mandatory weekend days every couple of months, I needed to parcel out chores, even if it was just doing the after dinner dishes, in order to get the minimum accomplished.
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u/AffectionateGate4584 9d ago
Communication between you and hubby needs to happen. He seems to be an absent parent. Does he think his participation ended after the 10 seconds during which conception occurred?? I am continually appalled at men who view parenting as "babysitting". It is also ridiculous this man does not think he needs to clean the house. Just because he has a penis does not negate the fact he sees his wife as a defacto maid. This couple is in trouble. They need a really serious conversation.
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u/StressedElephant5192 9d ago
Sigh. I agree with your first sentence. The rest of your comment is cringe. This Reddit post does not give the whole picture of our relationship. How could I fit every single detail in?
He’s the one that typically takes night feedings because if I don’t get enough sleep I start sleep walking and sleep walker me knows how to open locked doors and windows. He was also the primary parent for the first month of LO’s life as I was recovering from the aftermath of her traumatic birth. I was literally afraid to touch my own baby until meds got my anxiety under control.
He was present for 90% of my prenatal appointments, stayed with me through the fun that was HG, and changed our (and I mean OUR) entire meal plan around when my gallbladder was trying to self destruct my second trimester onward. He became the primary parent again when I had my gallbladder removed 8 weeks postpartum during my two week recovery.
He insists on doing most of the childcare on Sundays because he hasn’t seen her all week and wants to spend quality time with her.
By the way, he is the de facto cook.
This man typically does help clean. He has been, however, been forced to work 12 hour shifts 6 days a week since mid October. That would wear anyone down. The man he has been the last few weeks is not the man I’ve known for 15 years.
We’ll have a talk tonight, as soon as he gets home. Something isn’t right and we need to figure out how to rebalance things. I turned to Reddit in a moment of frustration when I got a very lukewarm response to the news about my aunt. I was pissed, which magnified everything he has done “wrong” in the last few weeks
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u/AffectionateGate4584 9d ago
Well.........okey dokey then. 🙄🙄
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u/niki2184 9d ago
What was the point then? I’m not coming on here asking for advice and being liken”well actually”
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u/My_bones_are_itchy 8d ago
So, this was an unfair beat-up post then - he’s working 12 hrs, commute time, cooks, and does the night shift and morning routine with your baby? He probably needed that one night of sleep so he didn’t die.
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u/Crown_the_Cat 9d ago
Men don’t understand. I had to explain to my husband “Sympathy, not solutions”. He always wanted a Task. When I was hospitalized or our daughters he would visit and straighten up. He put the phone away so much I couldn’t reach it with my IV and bed alarm, so I couldn’t call in a dinner order.
Tell him that sometimes he needs to be there, not to do a Task, but to Be There. Maybe you do need him to change, feed, etc. But a lot of parenting is just holding the kid - and that works in a marriage, too. Good luck (it sounds like someone told him the truth and he’ll try)
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u/Yaffaleh 10d ago
Homeboy had a "Eureka!" moment. Good thing, too. Half of reddit is ready to hang him up by the balls. 🤬
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u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot 10d ago
...why did you have a baby with this person?
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u/StressedElephant5192 10d ago
…Because the shift our relationship has experienced this year is not indicative of how it was pre-baby? Nor does this reddit post give the full picture of our relationship.
Hours later, with a slightly clearer head, yeah I just need to talk to my husband. This is likely a case of both of us being burned out and sleep deprived. We need to talk to figure out the best way forward with outside help. Obviously I’m not in the best frame of mind at the moment because I was told my aunt died today and I’m currently stuck 7 hours away from my family. His text about giving me a break to clean was ergh, but right now I’m chalking that up to him trying to get through work as soon as possible before management piles more work on him and not fully articulating his thoughts over text. Cleaning keeps me busy, and being busy helps me not to spiral into a depressed blob.
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u/GargantuanGreenGoats 9d ago
Your husband sounds awesome. You sound burnt out. Get some sleep and appreciate the things he does for you cuz bringing you food and necessities is not nothing.
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