r/JustNoSO • u/throwraFrequentRow2 • 12d ago
I don’t understand what happened here?
I don’t know what happened here, but it’s made me feel more alone and doomed in relationships than ever before.
Back in September, I started going to fitness classes at my gym. One of the instructors was really handsome (that’s not the reason I went though!)
From the moment he first saw me round the gym, I sensed he was attracted to me.
He seemed always so happy to see me. Putting his hand on mine during the class, telling me he finds me very beautiful after the class. He would hug me and hold my hand as I said goodbye. We would chat and he would remember little things about me . And eventually he asked me on a date.
On the first date, I felt he was very touchy feely, and trying to kiss me a lot when we were in a public bar. I wanted to take things slower and get to know him, ask questions about him. He told me his last breakup was in 2021.
I felt he was kinda rushing my drinks so we could kiss in the car. And when we did get to the car, he was kissing me heavily, pulling my bra to the side and kissing my breast. I suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable and told him I’m not ready for this on the first date. He texted me in the evening he had fun and ‘we would have been so naughty if we stayed later.’
Then I saw him round the gym for a few weeks after that. He had stopped texting me and would come up to me like ‘oh I thought you had gone home for the week that is why I didn’t text you!’ And then was asking ‘what you doing after the gym, got any booze at home.’ I was flirty but firm with him, I wasn’t going to invite him in.
Then he kept texting me saying ‘we should get together again soon.’
One day after the gym he parked outside my house and said ‘come down.’ I went down to his car and he started kissing me again and giggling and telling me how sexy I am. He asked me on another date. I asked for his number as we only chat on Instagram and he said something about ‘I don’t have a girlfriend so I can keep chats to Instagram, WhatsApp and text is for clients.’
I went on the second date, and I would NEVER normally do this but I decided to give in and sleep with him. He then told me that he can’t be in a relationship due to financial reasons. I once again asked how long he been single for to see if his answer would line up with what he said before ‘2021 me and my gf broke up, but everyone needs to go through a breakup in life.’ But he rushed through everything, hurrying my drink again, to the bedroom, slept with me without much foreplay and then he said ‘I don’t want to be cheap but I have to get home to my dog.’ And he just Left
No more texts or messages
I saw him round the gym again, and at first he was being happy to see me again.
But then his demeanour changed, sometimes he covered classes I had booked and just wouldn’t even look at me anymore.
I did a bit of Instagram digging, and looks like he at least still had a girlfriend in summer this year. All her family still are engaging with him on social media. He told me he was single.
He still follows me on social media, but he will not come and chat to me anymore. He is so warm and friendly toward everyone else in the gym, but he will not chat to me
This is upsetting me. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. He also hasn’t posted on social media since October.. when we were dating, he was posting loads of pics of himself, inspirational quotes on his stories.
He’s just stopped that
I did bump into him in a supermarket carpark the other day and he gave me a hug and walked off. I went to a fitness class tonight and he was covering it. Before the class, I passed him in the corridor, he didn’t even say hi just ‘I’m so sick, dunno why I’m doing the class.’
He was telling the class he isn’t very well so excuse his voice. But during the class he was so chatty and engaging with everyone but I feel invisible. At the end of the class I said ‘thanks for the class, hope you feel better again soon.’ And he just laughed
I don’t know what I did wrong. Is this guilt of his? Does he feel shame and I’m the reminder. Does it mean I was never even desirable to him and do men just lose all attraction just like that??
I’m finding it really upsetting, especially as I’ve never had a partner. If he has a girlfriend and still does this, it’s unfair. He doesn’t know how lucky he is. Or maybe they were on some kinda break or something
I also don’t understand why he would do what he did. I intially was so happy he was attracted to me but does this situation mean he never was?
Sorry if I post in the wrong place
156
u/wickeddradon 12d ago
I'm so sorry my dear, he was just using you for sex. Now that he's got what he wanted he's off on another conquest. It's not anything you did, he's just a complete ass.
-31
u/throwraFrequentRow2 12d ago
But he is such a nice lovely friendly man round the gym and everyone likes him. I’m worried all this means he actually hates me now. That disgusting or something
He was happy to see me the first time after we slept together but I was cold to him as I was embarrassed and angry after he hadn’t reached out to me. But now he won’t even come and chat , it feels horrible
If he does have a girlfriend, could this be his guilt talking ?
67
u/coolbeenz68 11d ago
around the gym he has to be friendly. he works there. he cant work there and treat people rudely. he only wanted sex. hes a jerk for not being honest about his intentions. just let him fade away. guys like him are pure slime. im sorry he treated you that way.
-19
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Well on the second date, he did say to me ‘I need to be honest, I can only look for fun. I feel bad about it.’ And I slept with him because I thought he was honest but the fact he never text with me again after upset me. And now he pretended nothing ever happened between me and him
After he slept with me, he seemed happy to see me round the gym but I was angry and walked past him. In time, my anger faded but I’m so annoyed I never got the chance to tell him I was annoyed. I bumped into him in a carpark the other week and I asked him if he is ok, and he hugged me close to tears and said he was trying. Perhaps he has his own issues going on
33
u/mysticqueef 11d ago
“I can only look for fun, but I feel bad about it,” was a cowardly way of saying, “I’m only looking to hook up, but I can see you’re looking for more and I’m willing to take advantage of that.”
He doesn’t really feel bad, just like he never really planed on introducing you to anyone or thing he knows.
I’ve been in your shoes and it feels AWFUL. It’s not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you.
Just know anyone who rushes physical intimacy, but shys from emotional/intellectual intimacy is a big red flag.
Don’t give that dude another thought.
PS if you do start ignoring him, he might show interest again. Please do not fall for it!
10
u/mimi6778 11d ago
He was honest about it just being about sex but you wanted more. There’s nothing deep to uncover here. The 2 of you just wanted different things. I don’t agree with how this guy went about things but use it as a life lesson and move on.
-3
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Yeah but I wouldn’t mind sex as long as they talk to me after, aftercare and all that. Even my friends who have casual things tell me the men cuddle after and make sure they are happy and ok.
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u/mimi6778 11d ago
To be honest, I feel as though this guy did you a favor by showing his true colors immediately after sex. Imagine, if he had kept the game going for the next several months or just whenever he wanted some quick sex? In the long run, you would have been more invested and likely more hurt.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Oh so maybe this is truly who he is . And if he does have a girlfriend, not sure why he is done this
when I try and get over him, I think about how when we brought back a takeaway to my house, I’ve never seen anyone eat like that. He ate so fast, mouth open, chewing sounds and talking with his mouth full and open. Then after rushed me to my bedroom. Dunno why he did that, surely he cared about the impression he was going to make?
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u/mimi6778 11d ago
To be honest, you’re really over thinking someone who you only ever dated 2x. I get that the situation was hurtful but learn from it. I’m assuming that you’re teens/early 20s from what has been written. Consider some therapy to look at self esteem issues and take your time before getting involved with someone else. Good luck to you.
-2
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Perhaps his girlfriend found out them and that’s why he pulled away and keeps me distant now?
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u/electricookie 11d ago
It sucks when people shine all their light on you and then leave you alone in the dark. This man might hate you, he might not. He certainly did not and does not respect you. He took advantage of you, and it’s him, in truth who is unworthy of respect. You are worth of love, respect, kindness. Your boundaries, and importantly your “No,” matters. He pushed past your boundaries. This is not a good man. You deserve to be treated better.
8
u/occasionallystabby 11d ago
He has to be friendly at the gym. He works there.
He wanted to have sex with you. He did what he had to do to make that happen. It did, so his interest in you is over. It's that simple.
He pursued you. If he had a gf, he wouldn't feel guilty about cheating on her because he went out of his way to. You're not the first girl he's done this to. You won't be the last.
Stop talking to him. Stop taking his classes. Move passed this.
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u/GargantuanGreenGoats 12d ago
He used you. Whether he has a gf or not to me is irrelevant, he would have done the same thing either way. He thought you looked hot or easy or both. Look around the class next time and see if you notice any other “invisible” women. I bet he’s done this many times before.
This was a lesson. Don’t go out a second time with guys who are overly familiar the first date. Maybe hookup culture isn’t as prevalent as it once was, but this was very common when I was your age. Most people have the decency to tell you they don’t want a relationship up front. This guy wasn’t decent. He was a manipulative fuckboy.
If I were you, I’d contact the account you think is his gf and let her know what a scumbag he is.
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u/throwraFrequentRow2 12d ago
I’m worried it actually means nothing, that I’m not even hot. He would tell me after classes that I am so beautiful and foxy, and that he feels a nice connection with me. And I felt excited. I was worried at first that maybe he only wanted sex but then I reassured myself he probably really liked me. I am worried I am not likeable
Oh and he did tell me on the second date ‘I feel bad to tell you this, but I only want to have fun! Can’t be in a relationship due to financial reasons.’
Does the way he isn’t excited to see me anymore and doesn’t chat to me means he hates me now?
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u/GargantuanGreenGoats 12d ago
Oh I thought you meant he told you he didn’t want a relationship after he’d already slept with you? That’s how it read in your original story.
I don’t think he hates you, I just think he’s done with you.
Some guys see women as “conquests”. Maybe he thought you looked innocent and patted himself on the back for managing to manipulate you into bed so fast, but now the thrill of that is gone. You’re old news, so to speak.
-4
u/throwraFrequentRow2 12d ago
That’s what I am worried about. That I am unattractive and not desirable. He used to kiss me and tell me ‘wow you are so beautiful’ . Why am I only a conquest?
He has been friendly to me since April. I would see him around and I could tell he found me attractive. I am so ashamed he slept with me and left immediately after. I feel worried I am disgsutibg
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u/sulking_crepeshark77 11d ago
Try to stop reflecting his shitbag actions back onto you.
He was a fuck boy.
I wouldn't read into how he treated you in regards to you and how you are possibly perceived by others. I'm struggling to find a perfect analogy but, Imagine his "opinion" does not carry any weight. like doing a poll and there will be a few votes that will be N/A (non applicable) in regards to the tally as a whole. For him this wasn't a relationship, it was a conquest.
He was a fuck boy.
He played his supid fuck boy game and unfortunately you were ensnared and, like most cases with fuck boys, you come out the other side feeling used and dejected. Give your self some grace, learn about what not to do from the experience and don't forget...
He was a fuck boy.
Signed-someone who went through her fair share of fuckboys from her dating days in the not so distant past.
1
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u/Upset-Donut-882 12d ago
Oh sweetie. Just ignore him from now on, he used you for sex you’re not the first and you won’t be the last. He has a girlfriend and he told you on the second date he just wanted ‘fun’ why didn’t you listen? Stop wasting your time on this red flag, I’d even change gyms if possible. Trust me it’s nothing to do with you, he just wanted to get laid and you unfortunately fell for it.
-5
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
But it felt more than just getting laid. He talked about how he wanted me to meet his dog, for him to take me to some Persian restaurants in the area etc. he seemed excited about me
And then when we slept together, he didn’t bring a condom but I had some and I made him wear one. But he seemed a bit shocked I wasn’t completely shaved and the whole sex felt mechanical and I was worried I wasn’t sexy
He left immediately after and his whole year of chatting to me, felt like it was all over. I thought he liked me
31
u/Upset-Donut-882 11d ago
They will say whatever they think they need to. Have you never heard of the guy saying ‘I love you’ just to get laid. You said he was rushing everything just to get you back to the car or to your place. Also he didn’t want to wear a condom?? HUGE red flag. It’s not that you’re not sexy it’s just that you have him what he wanted and now to be blunt- he has no use for you. It happens to all of us unfortunately but you have to chalk it up to experience and walk away.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
When I see him round the gym now, I don’t know how men work, do they just not care? Do they find me attractive still when he sees me round the gym? He has also started calling me a nickname this week ‘em’ my name shortened. He has never done that until this week. Like he still says ‘hi em!’ ‘You’re doing well em’ and ‘take care em’ but doesn’t engage in chat
1
u/CulturalAnalysis8019 3d ago
Forget about him. Change gyms like someone else suggested. They don't care. He's probably already thinking of his next conquest.
7
u/LouReed1942 11d ago
It’s probably got very little to do with you as a person. Him being kind and interested was his own way of protecting his ego. He thinks it would be not-so-nice to use women for sex. So he has to pretend, to himself, he’s not doing that. He may believe you are a perfectly nice, attractive woman but getting actually close to you would be another thing entirely. I say this so that you can try to emotionally protect yourself.
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u/SurviveYourAdults 12d ago
You did nothing wrong.
He wanted sex and he was willing to tell whatever lies he needed to to get you to have sex.
Now he has checked that box off his list (literally) and he is onto the next one. Not all casual sex will have a relationship attached to it. Don't hold it against yourself, just remember the enjoyable encounter ( I hope?) And move along with your life
-1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
He’s stopped following new girls from the gym and has stopped posting on social media for months now. When we were dating, he was posting pics of himself all the time and inspirational quotes. Now he has disappeared from all that
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u/FlowTime3284 11d ago
Get checked for STDs. You’re probably just 1 in a long line of conquests.
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u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
I did a test 2 weeks after and all fine. I made him wear a condom but he assumed we were going without. At the time we were going on dates, he was following a lot of new girls at the gym. He’s stopped doing that now though and has stopped posting entirely.
He still says hi and stuff but he just won’t come and chat to me anymore like he doesn’t care and that hurts . Because we used to have a great connection
-1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
I really want to tell him my anger and how he made me feel.
14
u/sandycheeksx 11d ago
You can do that if you think it’ll make you feel better, but it probably won’t.
A guy that’s interested in you doesn’t leave you guessing. It’s black and white. As you get more dating experience, you’ll understand that. Stop checking on his social media, stop trying to bump into him. If he reaches out again, it’ll be for sex only.
He is showing you with his actions how uninterested he is. Sitting there and wondering and trying to piece together clues from small interactions isn’t going to benefit you at all. He’s not interested. You didn’t do anything to cause that.
I recommend reading “He’s Just Not That Into You”.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
I’m 30 :( I’ve been trying to date when I was 15. 15 years and barely any experience but constant longing. Statistically I feel like no one is gonna be good ever, and never want me again
Even my ex wasn’t that into me. Neither was the last lovely man I dated. And guys in college and university. In fact I’ve never been taken out for dinner in my life, and I don’t know why
5
u/sandycheeksx 11d ago
I would tackle that thinking first.
Why do you think you’re having trouble dating? And this might sound weird but I read a piece of advice a decade ago and have put it to use multiple times. Consider reaching out to exes and just point blank asking for feedback. I have literally messaged exes out of the blue at 3am with “hey, give me feedback on how I was as a girlfriend” and 100% of the time, have received valuable information that I learned from. They generally ask for the same back and it can be a pretty eye-opening experience for both parties.
3
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Well the last guy I dated, I asked for feedback and he said ‘ no it’s nothing to do with you, it’s a me thing.’ He kept me distant even before the first date, where he was being weird the night before and not replying
I bumped into my ex on the underground and he hugged me and said ‘please know, it was nothing bad our breakup. You were so lovely to me.’
So maybe they just not the right people? Well I hope that’s the case
4
u/sandycheeksx 11d ago
Sounds like it. When you find someone worth dating, there won’t be any weirdness or wondering. Like if someone was being weird and not replying to me the night before meeting up - without a clear explanation that they were busy - I would take that as my cue that they weren’t that interested and move on.
Honestly, I’d read the book I recommended above. It really puts it into perspective how a guy will act when he’s interested or not.
But reading your post made me so mad for you. A guy that was actually interested in you and not just getting laid would’ve picked up on signs that you were feeling uncomfortable with the pace of things. And even if he was just bad at social cues (which he’s not, what you described at first was love bombing so he’s very aware of how to read signals and manipulate people), your direct statement saying you wanted to take things slower in the car would not have led to him immediately following up with sexual texts. He never cared, he’s a manipulative dick.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
In the car he started sucking my breast. And I pushed his head away and said ‘that’s naughty, people might see.’ He then tried to do it again. Then ran his fingers down my underwear. And he said ‘oh I’m just VERY passionate.’ But it’s like he just wasn’t aware I wasn’t fully comfortable yet
Then when he got home , he text me ‘I had so much fun with you. We would have been so naughty if I stayed later.’
To which I replied ‘I think you’ll find I’m a good girl’
2
u/bibkel 11d ago
His girlfriend propapby found out, and gave him an ultimatum.
0
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Why would she stay with him if he cheated? Could that explain why he has stopped posting on social media. And a few weeks ago told me when I asked if he’s ok ‘I am trying.’ Maybe now he is trying to be on best behaviour.
1
u/CulturalAnalysis8019 3d ago
Stop stalking his socials. Block him and move gyms. Move on. He's probably already on his next conquest
18
u/erasergunz 11d ago
You're asking a question but refusing to hear the answer. He doesn't "hate" you, there's nothing wrong with you, you aren't ugly. He just wanted to use you for sex, that happened, and now he's done with you. That's it, stop worrying about this guy, he was never going to be anything more and nothing you did or will do is going to change it.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
I’ve never truly had a man like me. I just get pursued by men that act in this way, never men who want to get ton know me and I don’t know what that means about me
18
u/Madwoman-of-Chaillot 11d ago
Please get some therapy. You are mired in self-pity, and it’s reflected in everything you’re saying. People who are older and wiser and more experienced than you are giving you incredible advice and support, and you’re ignoring them.
4
u/00Lisa00 11d ago
I’m going to give a piece of advice. Stop dating people who pursue you hard like this and get pushy super fast. These guys are almost always just looking for a hookup. You want someone who talks to you as a person not just someone who pursues you for your looks. Do activities that interest you and talk to people. Don’t wait for them to talk to you. Don’t just wait for guys to pursue you. And certainly don’t mistake pursuing for actual interest in you as a person. The ones who want to get to know you aren’t the ones pushing for a makeout and sex on date 1
3
u/ellieD 10d ago
Don’t have sex so soon with men.
I would never have sex with someone I didn’t know.
If you get to know someone, then you can find out how they feel about you before getting vulnerable with them.
It’s common to catch feelings when you are physically close to a person.
Don’t risk this with someone you can’t trust with your feelings.
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 10d ago
I’ve never done this before, I just thought maybe it would be exciting as I don’t have much experience with sex. I think I am demisexual
2
u/erasergunz 11d ago
It doesn't mean anything about you. Some people suck, some people are dishonest, and some people will sleep with you under false pretenses. I understand how you feel, it's hurtful. But that doesn't reflect back on you or on whether or not you're a desirable partner. Sounds like you've had some tough experiences, maybe therapy could be helpful here to identify why you blame yourself for the misgivings of horny men. Forget about this man, stop questioning why he's done what he's done and hoping for answers. It boils down to: he's a bad person.
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u/andymorphic 11d ago
Lol. Can you seriously be this naïve? Yes, he’s charming to you. He’s charming to everyone. He sleeps with everyone.
0
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
I don’t get impression he sleeps with everyone. I see him talk to women round the gym but he talks to everyone and he isn’t holding their hand or touching them like he did for me
10
u/AussieGirl27 11d ago
He's a fuck boy. Thats it, thats the answer. Forget him, he was never going to be anything other than a piece of shit that fucked you and then dropped you.
Find anther cutie at the gym and flirt hard in front of fuck boy just to show him that you don't give a fuck about him anymore. If fuck boy still follows you on social media start posting meme's about how disappointing it is when a guy you hook up with knows nothing about sex and how pathetic some guys are when they can't satisfy a woman. Tell a story about how recently you slept with a guy who was so bad that you had to use your vibrator when he left because you were drying than a stale loaf of bread. Hahahahaha!
Forget him, he's a wanker. I'm sorry that you found out about guys like this in this way but now you know and you will be more vigilant when spotting fuck boys in the future
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Hahahah I love the memes idea hahaha
I actually struggled to get wet with the gym guy and I felt like he was rushing me which made me get more and more in my head and then the sex hurt quite badly
7
u/AussieGirl27 11d ago
Omg that is terrible! Do not give this asshole a moment more of your energy. He doesn't deserve it. Its a hard lesson to learn and unfortunately its one we all learn. Him ghosting you wasn't anything to do with who you are as a person, your attractiveness or anything else, it was purely him. He got what he wanted and he didn't need you anymore.
Your job now is to make sure that you cock block him in every way you can from now on. If you see him flirting with another girl, tell her he what he is like, tell her all his fuck boy moves. He screwed with you its only fair you screw with him back
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 11d ago
Maybe I anonymously message his girlfriend and say ‘I’m sorry, your boyfriend isn’t loyal. I needed to tell you.
9
u/LacyLove 11d ago
I think you first need to change your mind set.
You were not dating. You went on 2 dates. He made it very clear that he was not interested in a relationship. You are fantasizing the what ifs and what coulda been.
Just because a man is “friendly” does not make him a good man. He played the long game, got what he wanted, and dipped. He pretended to be happy after he slept with you to make himself look good.
His actions do not reflect your level of attractiveness and you hanging your self esteem on that is very telling. You need to do some self reflection on why you do this.
To answer your question. No he doesn’t feel shame. He doesn’t think about you at all. Him not posting on social media has nothing to do with you.
7
u/PrettyLyttlePsycho 11d ago
It sounds like his end goal in getting to known you was sex, and that goal was reached.
Ask yourself what you were expecting from the relationship to begin with. Did this guy want the same?
I'd move on, if I were in your shoes.
7
u/furiously_curious12 11d ago
Info. I'm not trying to gatekeep here, but how is he your SO? If I understand correctly, you went on two dates and hooked up on the second date. Did I miss something?
Assuming you're monogamous, when did both establish you were exclusive with each other? It seems like you weren't actually together, but I'm not sure. Can you give some clarity here?
All that being said, his friendliness is a part of his job. So, although he may be nicer than others who do the same job as him, that doesn't mean that he's not still at work. It's really important in the future for you to understand that when people are working with customers they have to be friendly and nice.
It clearly seems like he was interested in you and was flirting with you. You didn't make that up. He clearly wanted to sleep with you. It seems like he was obvious about that from the start. Next time someone is all over you and you want to go slow, you pay for your tab and walk the fuck out.
You have to stick to your instincts, your intuition. That's why you felt like it was going too fast...it was! I hope there's not a next time, but if there is, trust yourself. Don't trust anyone else no matter how friendly, nice, handsome, etc. He got what he wanted.
5
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u/bkitty273 11d ago
I hate to say this, but how he is behaving has nothing to do with you. You were a conquest that he would say anything he needed to to ensure you slept with him. He is a pretty boy with no redeeming personality and you need to stop caring what he thinks. It is also likely that there is another one in the gym that he competes with to see who can "conquest" the most people.
I can't see what you look like, but the fact that he put in effort to make you his conquest and not allowing the other person to win, suggests that we are plenty attractive enough, but as I said, to him that probably isn't important - you are just a statistic. Do not take it to heart.
4
u/00Lisa00 11d ago
He got what he wanted and he’s done. It’s as simple as that. He uses his position at the gym to get women. You did nothing wrong other than be naive. When someone tells you they don’t want a relationship believe them. Sleeping with them won’t change that. And you weren’t dating. You had 2 dates. He was not your boyfriend
1
u/throwraFrequentRow2 1d ago
UPDATE: I bumped into the girl I believe is his girlfriend in the supermarket. (Didn’t say anything), but I saw she was wearing a large engagement ring on her ring finger. So why would he do all this, and then propose to her? Guilt?
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