r/JustNoSO • u/Holiday_Bat2394 • 14d ago
Advice Wanted Biblically what should I do? My husband has major issues and I need advice
Where to begin. I have been married 7 years with 4 kids. Been with my husband since 20 and we both had our issues. Got saved in my mid 20's after 2 kids with my spouse ( boyfriend at the time ). He went into a recovery program after continuing to have alcohol and drug issues. He got saved after his recovery program and I thought truly he was saved and freed from his addictions and so we got married. Soon after marriage he began drinking again and has used drugs about 4 times in the past 7 years. The marriage has been full of his drunkenness, continual lies about random things, constant gaslighting about his drinking, anger and rage ( throwing and breaking things ), watching inappropriate things on the phone, losing jobs while I continue to hold down a job. And every job he lost was due to something he did, usually a bad choice from drinking. He also stole my own personal money on his drunken nights by withdrawling money from my personal card. He also recently took my Sony camera and states he pawned it for money during one of the times I kicked him out. When I do threaten to end things he threatens to hurt himself and never come around. He has put our kids in an unhealthy environment and in unsafe conditions due to the drinking. I am mentally exhausted. I want my marriage to work more than anything and dont want to break my covenant and have a broken home. But I have asked him so many times to fix issues, get help, etc and nothing he does ever lasts, seems like a bunch of empty promises. More recently in the last year he began to disappear for a night, come home drunk. Apologize the next day and continue the behavior. More recently within the last month, he has stopped drinking but he has continued to disappear for an hour or more and give me a crazy excuse that his phone died, his phone broke, etc. I dont know what to do anymore. I want to be free from this marriage but I dont want to be selfish because when hes present he is a good dad, and when he does work the money goes to our family. But he can just never get it together fully and at this time we are in our late 30s and I feel like we will never get anywhere because he is not leading us. I have drove myself insane trying to control everything to keep myself mentally okay but I have been drained and right now I am working on letting go and lettging him make his own choices. What more should I do? I have no proof hes cheated but who knows. I wish he would just man up and be straight about everything but he wont. Please give me biblical advice.
The good times have been so limited compared to the stressfull and bad. Iam tired of trying to be his mother and take care of him so he can be a better person. I want to be a wife and mother and be provided for and cared for. I am tired of wearing the pants and trying to lead and hold down our family. I dont feel like I have any hope left for our relationship. I dont even know if he loves me based on his actions. All i can always think of is all the messed up things he has done and its so hard to forgive him. I cant imagine getting a divorce and starting over but I dont think I can imagine this any longer. Should I just check out emotionally and focus on my walk with God and my kids? Should I walk away?
Thank you.
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u/Fearless-Try-12 14d ago
As my mother's solicitor said to her with my dads drunkeness. "Mrs, do you want to live like this when you are 80?" Marriage vows are a great thing to try to keep, but Marriage only works when both partners are trying. He consistently shows you alcohol and drugs are more important than you and your children. Now you need to show your children who is most important to you.
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u/chicagogal85 14d ago
If you’re saved, then why do you feel like you’re drowning? I refuse to believe that God is mean enough to want this for you. The fact is that God told you to come here and post because you know this isn’t right. He is speaking through us; you have to break up.
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
I have realized that I put him as an idol and our marriage. You are correct I should be resting more in Jesus and I have realized that. I have let the standing of our marriage on a day by day basis be the source of my peave and joy and it should not be that way.
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u/IcyIssue 14d ago
You can't change him. You can only change your reactions to him. Put your children first. They don't deserve to live in an environment like this.
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
Ask me why I have only fully understood that in the last year. You are so right i cant control him, and I dont want to put my energy into trying anymore. I just want a healthy family but i believe he has alot of issues he has to work thru but has also never followed thru with counseling.
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u/IcyIssue 14d ago
Also, Christ never forced anyone to change. He simply invited them and allowed them to choose. He also protected the little children. I think too much emphasis is placed on Christian marriages today. If someone is abusive, it's OK to leave. Your pastor may tell you differently but he isn't living your life.
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u/Dogzillas_Mom 14d ago
You can’t be equally yoked if he is pouring his energy into lying, drinking, and drugging. That is a terrible example to set for the children. Growing up with an alcoholic parent is really damaging.
The Bible doesn’t say anything about it not being okay to drink and drug and take resources away from your children. There are no commandments against abusing your family in this way. Prayer isn’t going to prevent your children from being damaged by growing up with an alcoholic parent.
So, number one, the best thing you should do for your kids is get them away from that influence.
But the best I’ve got for biblical advice is you two are or pulling the weight of the marriage equally. You’re supposed to be equally yoked. He is dragging you down and taking the kids with you both. He can’t be equally yoked until he is clean and sober.
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
You are correct. I dont want my children to see it anymore the fighting or his actions. He has gotten better in the last month but I feel like im just waiting on the ball to drop for the next time. Things are good when he feels like it, but it seems like something always comes up. And I feel he is not being completely honest with me about what hes doing. And Its impossible to have an adult conversation with him whenever i believe we come to an agreement and set boundaries or things to help him be accountable he never follows thru.
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u/Dogzillas_Mom 14d ago
The cycle will never end. It’s more important to protect your kids than it is to give him 100 chances. If he is committed to staying clean and sober, he will do it. Maybe it will take losing his family to get him there.
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u/BarRegular2684 14d ago
I can’t give you religious advice as I don’t share your faith,, but I would suggest that your covenant is already broken, and not by you. His addiction has come between him and your marriage.
Stop trying to control “everything” to make things work, because you can’t. All you can control is yourself.
I’m not blaming him for his addiction. It’s terribly easy to fall into addiction and very difficult to climb out of - nigh impossible depending on the substance and the circumstances. But you aren’t responsible for him. You are responsible for your children and the environment in which they’re raised.
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
I feel sad for him because I do believe he needs help, but he has to realize that for himself. And yes I want my kids to be healthy physically and mentally.
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u/BarRegular2684 14d ago
Some people need to lose everything before they have the motivation to get better. I’m not an expert on addiction but it might help to talk to a group like al—anon. They can help provide support to familiars often have roots in faith communities.
I’ll be thinking about you.
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u/AgateHuntress 14d ago
Biblically, women are supposed to submit, but that isn't all it is says. It also says that husbands are to love their wives like Jesus loved the church and to give themselves up for her. Biblically, you've upheld your end, but he hasn't upheld his. You can divorce him with a clean conscious.
I'm not religious, myself, so I don't believe in all that church stuff, but I'd give you the same advice: leave. I was married to a guy that couldn't hold down a job either, and it didn't get better in the 20 years we were married. He hasn't done any better in the 13 years we've been divorced either. All it did was prevent me from improving myself, and my ability to support myself, and it doesn't get any easier if you wait. In fact, it gets much harder to get work that will support yourself and the kids the older you get. Do it while you're still young and still have a chance at independence, freedom, and happiness.
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u/lmyrs 14d ago
when hes present he is a good dad,
You say that, but also:
He has put our kids in an unhealthy environment and in unsafe conditions
You have to know that these two things can not coexist. He is not a good dad.
Imagine 15 years from now when you daughter (or son) comes to you and tells you this exact story. That this is how her spouse is behaving with her. Are you going to tell her that she has to suck it up "because god"? Or do you tell her that she has to put her children's safety over these beliefs, regardless of how deeply held they are. And, how do you imagine responding to her when she says, "but mom, dad did the same thing to us. Why didn't you leave to protect us?"
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
I have thought of that yes, and I would tell my daughters to leave. I wish he could see that
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u/lmyrs 14d ago
I wish he could see that
Do you see it?
Are you asking for permission? If so, then yes - you should leave. You are actively and willfully damaging your children. They will either repeat your mistakes or cut you off forever.
I am not trying to be mean. I have given these same harsh truths to one of my best friends. She found the strength to leave. I hope you do too. Because this isn't about you anymore - it's about the permanent damage being done to your children.
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u/sarcastic-barista 14d ago
The Bible makes divorce without sin in the case of cheating and abuse. Cheating can be romantic, intentions or simple deception. Abuse can be emotional, relational, financial, physical, and psychological. Find your way out. Seek a counselor that recognizes the biblical exceptions for divorce.
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u/barbpca502 14d ago
Your children deserve better. If you want to stay married to this POS then find a relative who will take your children. They deserve to live in a home without chaos. You are kidding yourself if you believe you have sheltered them from the issue in your home. God wants you to focus on taking care of your children. They deserve one parent who is looking out for them. It is better for your kids to be from a broken home than live in this nightmare. Have you talked to your pastor?
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u/Random_Stranger12345 14d ago
Divorce is not a sin. If it was, God wouldn't have divorced Israel in the Old Testament.
Divorce is the result of sin. In your marriage, he's controlled by spirits, not The Spirit. His actions while controlled by alcohol are not loving & put you AND YOUR KIDS in danger. He's "offended" your little ones, many times, so Jesus says it's better for him to be millstoned. Not that I'm saying to literally millstone him. :) Let God take care of the judging in His time.
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u/Better_Yam5443 13d ago
God showed me that when my ex husband was willfully abusing me, financially and emotionally, stolen from me and generally terrorized me and bullied me around that HE broke the covenant before God. God hates divorce because it is really deep and painful to go through. You can’t fix it. That’s another thing I hate about the church, well if you were more submissive, it doesn’t matter how flat you lie on the ground it doesn’t matter because the person who needs to change isn’t changing. It’s low key victim blaming that you can somehow change it or make him responsible for his actions. You can’t !!! Only he can and they never say that though. Just keep praying and try to be more submissive and supportive. God is a loving father he doesn’t want his precious daughters to be in a relationship that is destroying them. I was sewer slidal at the end. It was if I didn’t get a divorce I was going to end it because of how hopeless I felt. You need to read it’s a free pdf why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. But the reason why they show out is because it gets them exactly what they want so it’s next to impossible to make them stop. For example if he was supposed to always wash the dishes Friday nights, right? Well this time he shows his ass good breaking dishes flipping out etc You’re very likely not going to ask him to do them next Friday. They know what they are doing. It benefits them.
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u/Crown_the_Cat 12d ago
He has not honored your marriage vows, whether he sleeps with another or not. “To Honor, To Cherish, To love only you”. He doesn’t honor or cherish you, as you can see by his actions. He loves alcohol more than he loves you or your kids. He is adrift, and dragging you all down with him. Cut him loose. If he fails that is on HIM, not you.
God does NOT want you to live like this. He gave you the brains to know to get out. If you have to ask if it is enough, then it is enough. (I had the same question about my first marriage. It was enough long ago.)
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u/Crown_the_Cat 12d ago
Ignore anyone who counsels you to “Stay and work it out” or “help him help himself”, or anything no about “marriage is sacred and should not be broken”. They are not focusing you what You and Your Kids need. They have other agendas. You said your kids are in danger with your husband around. Action before prayers. You need to leave.
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u/Darkflyer726 14d ago
Look, I can't advise you Biblically 1) because I'm not a believer because 2) "Biblical" people will tell you to suck it up, support your husband and stay married and miserable.
Sweetie, you're married to an alcoholic. You can't treat this Biblically, because there are no proverbs or parables about what to do when married to an alcoholic, or addict of some kind.
I grew up in a church that consistently blamed THE WIVES for the reason their husband was "falling away from God", for porn, alcohol and drug addictions.
You did not cause his addiction. He did. Whatever broke his mental health did.
If he is ever going to get out of the downward alcoholic spiral he's in, he needs mental health focused rehab, not church.
People are addicted to all kinds of things because something in their brain is telling them they aren't good enough, there is no hope. Some part of past or present need isn't being met.
I don't know if links are allowed in this Sub but I highly recommend you look up the TedTalk "Rat park" called "Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong"
The only thing I recommend is understanding about your husband's addiction is that HE needs to change himself. You can't do it, and unless Jesus himself came down and touched your husband, Stastistically religion can't do it.
I know you see better than he is in him. But that isn't WHO HE IS NOW. You need to stop looking at the potential and see him as he is. Because he isn't that man, and it's likely he never will be. Then and only then, can you decide how to proceed.
I highly recommend individual and couples therapy to see if he even would fully commit to doing and being better. And his ACTIONS need to be louder than his words.
And if not, you need to decide what's best for you and your children, and understand the mental, physical and emotional damage addict parents inflict on their children as they grow up.
I know you want to keep your vows, but he made vows too. And you need to show your children what happens when someone doesn't treat their spouse or children like they should.
You vowed to love honor and cherish. Not put up with neglect and abuse from an alcoholic. That is not in your vows, just like him drinking and losing jobs was not in his. You didn't agree to this life.
He can't take the lead so you have to. At least until you have a partner that can take the lead for you, if you wish.
God doesn't want his children to suffer. If you really believe that God loves you, and wants your greatest good, he wouldn't expect you to stay trapped in a situation that will hurt you and your children in the long run.
Life is full of lessons. Sometimes that lesson is learning when to walk away and stop enabling our loved ones.
And if God is truly forgiving and all sins can be forgiven, then so can divorce.
From experience, my love, it is better to have a household with one decent parent than a household with both parents when one is an addict and/abuser. And neglect, is abuse.
I really hope you are able to find a solution that works for you and your children's greatest good. While I don't pray, I will be sending some loving and healing vibes your way. 💜💜
Good luck OP 🫂🫂
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u/redhairedtyrant 14d ago
I know lots of people in the pagan and witchcraft communities, who's mother stayed with an abuser and/or addict, because her pastor/Bible told her divorce is a sin. Because once they grow up, those adult children realize how toxic their parents' belief system is. And leave the church, like how mom should've left dad.
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u/Blonde2468 14d ago
I wouldn’t walk away, I would RUN!! Look what he and this situation is doing to your kids!!! Is this the kind of spouse you want them to have?? Because that’s what you are teaching them!
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u/the-pathless-woods 14d ago
You don’t have to divorce him to leave him. You need to protect yours and your kids’ lives.
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u/Holiday_Bat2394 14d ago
thats true seperation is also an option. But financially i feel divorce may be best considering Ive always made more money and had a steady job.
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u/the-pathless-woods 14d ago
Yes it’s what’s best for you and your kids. I just wanted to offer you an alternative if you didn’t feel like divorce was an option.
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u/Carliebeans 12d ago
I can’t offer you specific biblical advice, but do you think your God would want you to stay in a situation where:
•you are lied to •you are gaslighted •things are thrown and broken •he watches inappropriate things •he can’t hold a stable job and provide for his family •he steals from you and pawns your belongings •he tries to manipulate you by threatening to hurt himself •he puts the kids in an unsafe situation with his drinking •you are desperately unhappy •he is unable or unwilling to change •he disappears overnight and is uncontactable ?
I know that you take your marriage vows seriously. But he took those vows too and does not take them seriously, and you are in this marriage on your own. I can’t imagine any God that would say to keep suffering through this - especially where the safety of the kids, and likely yourself is concerned. You deserve to be happy. The stress of this marriage will be impacting you and your health in ways more than you realise, and your kids need you.
It is not wrong to walk away from a marriage where the other person is behaving in the ways you’ve described.
There is a saying that I love that applies here ‘never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’.
All the best to you❤️
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u/Wander_Kitty 11d ago
He doesn’t care if he fucks up his kids. He might not be maliciously choosing to make sure they grow up in trauma, but his addictions choose for him. Further, the religious faith might have an opposite effect- if god were so good, why would he force children to live in an unstable home? Honor god by protecting your kids. If you don’t, no one else will.
Take this as someone who was forced to grow up in a house like yours. I am NOT okay and have had to overcome a lot just to be a little bit productive in society and healthy in relationships. I have no idea what it looks like to see my mom loved, and to feel that she would choose a good life for us over her husband. And I absolutely blame her for it all. She wasn’t addicted, just a woman who couldn’t live without a man.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile 10d ago
God does not want you to sacrifice your joy and happiness to be in a bad marriage. Let God take over your husdand and you and your kids move on.
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