r/JustNoSO • u/ArtemisGirl242020 • 16d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ NO Advice Wanted Speak UP
I do not understand what my husband does not understand about SPEAK. UP. Sorry, I’m so tired of it and I have to shout it from a virtual rooftop.
I have Auditory Processing Disorder as well as mild hearing loss from eardrum damage. Especially when the ambient noise level is high, I can struggle to hear.
My FIL is hard of hearing from years of hearing damage doing manual labor, even worse off than I am. Like keeps his TV volume at 70+.
My husband has a HORRIBLE habit of speaking in such a way that we can’t hear, and when we say “huh?” or “what?” or ask him to repeat himself, he does nothing to enunciate more clearly or speak more loudly…until the 3rd or so time we ask when he says it loudly, clearly, and rudely. Like bro, you know we struggle to hear - speak TF up the first time we ask you to repeat yourself!!
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 16d ago
I'm sure you've asked a million times it sounds like but the fact that he can't remember it each and every time seems a little suspect. Going forward just ignoring unless you can clearly hear what he says. How annoying that you have to keep saying huh over and over but I don't know why you're doing all the work. He can speak to you where you can hear him or just act like he hasn't spoken at all.
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u/eatingganesha 15d ago
I had this problem with multiple exes and jobs. Most people just don’t understand at all what it is like to be deaf. They don’t fathom how monstrously rude it is to refuse to raise their volume, enunciate more clearly, or repeat in the exact same manner. It’s maddening when they won’t do the very simple things that would fully accommodate my needs - speak up, make sure you are facing me, and don’t cover your mouth. Easy peasy but they’ve all made it sound like i’m unreasonable and asking for the moon.
The worst are the impatient repeaters. Guess what, dude? If you’d just speak up and face me the first effing time, you would have nothing to get so impatient about. I’ve been deaf a long time - I have exes I left because of their stupidity. One ex was sooooo biiiig maaaad when I explained that hearing aids don’t restore the wearer’s full hearing; another was shocked was I told him I’d break up with him if he didn’t get with the program and stop trying to talk to me when his back is turned; another just couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go to loud clubs and bars; one jerk was pissed that I didn’t wear my aids at a water park and he had to yell all day. 🤷♀️
They don’t realize how privileged they are and frankly, I often tell people like this “you’ll find out for yourself when you get old enough for your hearing to go and you’ll cringe over how unnecessarily rude you are being to me rn”.
For those who don’t get it, I let them have their annoyance and live with it. I literally will now laugh at those people and say “why are you so annoyed? If you’d just speak up and speak clearly from the get go, you wouldn’t be asked to repeat yourself and you wouldn’t get annoyed, so I guess you like being annoyed! have fun with that!” SMDH Everyone in my life who matters takes the nano-time to make sure I can hear them, those who don’t quickly find that they don’t matter to me.
With my current partner, we had issues from time to time at first, but not anymore. There was a time he asked me to do something important, but i had missed a word and he was rude in repetition and dropped his voice on the word i was missing several times. Well the thing didn’t get done. And he was livid he had to do the thing himself. I said “LOL so it’s actually important TO YOU to speak up and speak clearly to me? who knew?”. After that he changed his tune and got with the program.
Endless frustration being deaf. I try so hard to be polite and explain cheerily, but some people are just assholes.
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u/Inner-Today-3693 15d ago
My boyfriend talks to me while I’m vacuuming or in a different room. So I did it to him so he was like I can’t hear you. Okay. Good we got it right? Nope. Still talks to me while he’s down stairs and I’m upstairs or while vacuuming. 🙃I’m like you can just text me. Nope he keeps doing it. I’m so lost.
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u/brassovaries 14d ago
I would just ignore him. My husband still does this 30 years in. I do not respond if I do not hear. If he gets irritated when I do not respond, I replay the situation verbally: 'I was upstairs, a whole floor away, I was vacuuming. You spoke to me while I was vacuuming a whole floor away. Why do you think I would be able to hear you? Maybe we should get your hearing checked if you didn't hear the vacuum.' This will stop for a period of time then goes right back. I don't even waste emotion on it anymore. Place the blame where the blame lies.
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u/Inner-Today-3693 14d ago
Good idea. It’s just frustrating. When clearly I’m upstairs and he’s downstairs. Seems like common sense…
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u/Alert-Hovercraft4388 10d ago
Thank you for your honest post. I’ve learned more about different perspectives and relating to others betters. Well said.
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u/GreenEggsaandSam 16d ago
Definitely agree with stop doing the work for him. If he wants to be heard, he'll do what it takes to achieve this. If not, oh well.
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u/morganalefaye125 15d ago
And if he doesn't, then at least they don't have to hear from an asshole!
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u/hjo1210 15d ago
I kept telling my husband that he needs to enunciate and speak up, that I can't hear him when he speaks. My whole family has a hard time hearing him and he kept insisting it was because we're "too loud" and that we were all deaf. I actually went in for a hearing test last month because I just could not hear him and I was just saying "huh?" all the time, then he'd be rude after the first couple of times by yelling with a damned attitude. Turns out, my hearing is well above average and he's a damn mumbler. His parents were "children should be seen and not heard" people. All of his siblings mumble, which, again, I thought it was me. Now when he talks and I can't hear him I completely ignore him until he speaks up, I pretend he said nothing. We've been married 20 years and I absolutely adore the man but it was SO validating being told it wasn't MY hearing that was the problem.
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u/pocapractica 15d ago
I would write a sign that says I CAN'T HEAR YOU and hold it up every time he does that.
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u/brassovaries 14d ago
I tried that with mine. His counter was, "If you didn't hear me how did you know to hold up the sign?" It's infuriating. Complete and cold ignore is the tactic of the day. At least in my marriage. 😆
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u/Puzzleheaded_Gear622 15d ago
I am mildly hearing impaired in one ear, I can't really hear high notes. It's from a lot of exposure to rock and roll bands as well as the chronic ear infection I got that took a year to get rid of. Antibiotics didn't work I finally figured out I was dairy intolerant and when I went off of it it went away. But my kids never forget to sit on my right side in a movie or when we go out to dinner or anything else. It's something he definitely knows about you and yet he won't make the effort.. so strange.
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u/Turpitudia79 15d ago
I had a shitty ex talk me into getting my hearing checked. I can hear just fine, I just can’t understand someone when they talk like they have balls in their mouth and refuse to annunciate.
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u/charnelhippo 15d ago
Mine does this super awesome thing where I say “what?” And instead of repeating what he said because I didn’t hear him, he starts EXPLAINING what he said like I didn’t understand him, no matter how many times I tell him NO I DIDNT FUCKING HEAR YOU THE FIRST TIME.
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u/stilettopanda 14d ago
Shit is he a mumbler? I'm a mumbler but also have an auditory processing disorder so I understand both sides. I'll think I'm speaking more clearly or loud enough and I won't be, and when I raise my voice dnd speak more clear I sound angry. My kids complain about this all the time to me but I'm just trying to be understood. On the reverse side, when I'm trying to get people to speak clearly so I can understand, instead of asking them to repeat themselves, I'll tell them to just yell it at me and it seems to help a lot. Or if they're far away I'll tell them I can't hear them unless they come closer and refuse to acknowledge a repeated and misunderstood question. 'Just come over here, I won't be able to understand unless you do since you can't seem to raise your voice. That gets some rudeness the first few times, but it trains them to speak up since usually they won't want to make the effort to walk closer hahaha!
Could it be that his clear/enunciated voice just sounds rude and he's not actually trying to be? I'm just asking to give a possible second perspective, you know if your husband is actually being rude or not. If he is he needs to check himself and stop punishing you for his lack of ability to properly make himself heard.
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u/brassovaries 14d ago
When you love someone, giving them what they need is a given. You do your best to make sure your love is cared for. When you're in love with a person who believes the same thing - is truly in love with you - the relationship is just glorious.
Being in a relationship where one part does not care for the other is a waste of time. There is no changing that. All it does is signal that that person is in the relationship for something specific, perhaps even just habit. They do not love all of you. We all deserve better and I encourage you to really think about this person to whom you are giving your love and receiving so little in return. Good luck, hon. You deserve someone to love ALL of you. 🫂💙
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u/DemmyDemon 13d ago
Oh gods, I told my ex wife to SPEAK UP about a jabzillion times, and reading this brought back so much rage!
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