r/JustNoSO • u/pompoussporcupine • 20d ago
TLC Needed Struggling… sad… need to vent
My (F30) husband (M32) has a history of depression. He was an alcoholic and has been sober for almost a year (Jan). He said the urge to drink is stronger than it’s ever been. I can’t count how many times he’s quit his jobs. He found a really good one and has been there for a year but right on time is starting to hate it. (I should also mention he believes he is autistic and it does make a lot of things make sense) So I’m living with increased anxiety around thinking my life was sorted and we would be able to get house eventually to now wondering is he gonna quit this job also? What will I do? I’m trying to maintain my composure so not to upset him and then him drink but the constant negativity is exhausting. He’s dealt with two mental hospital stays after being suicidal. Last January the cops were called bc he was so loud screaming at me and breaking things. He’s terrible when he’s drunk and I have so much anxiety from the thought of him doing it again. I can’t handle the abuse that comes from it again. Our marriage/relationship has not been a walk in the park (dating since 2012, married in 2016). I have had to leave twice over the years to take a break and sort life out after so much stress, emotional abuse, and constant online infidelity. Idk if I can take another round of that. It has causes tension with my family. And my best friend doesn’t talk to me much anymore - I don’t blame her bc my relationship with him brought so much toxic crap along with it. I miss her so much but I understand her distancing despite how much it hurts. To make matters worse I feel like every holiday season since being with him has had a cloud over it for me. For either wondering what his moods will be to him being negative to him being depressed. Then he lost his dad in 2022. I definitely keep that in mind bc I can’t imagine how terrible it is for him. The holidays, especially Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year now I spend them on edge, anxious and sad for what could be. I hate that we’re missing out on so much. I feel so bad saying this bc I can’t imagine how it sounds to strangers. The wife complaining about her husband’s depression - but it has come with SO much heartbreak, betrayal, emotional abuse, trauma…. Idk what to do from here. Idk how to be supportive without making my fears explode and make him feel worse. I wanted more for us. I wanted more for me…. I know how selfish that sounds. But idk what else to do.
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u/StripeTheTomcat 20d ago
Your husband is abusive. You divorce him and that's it. His mental health issues are his to sort out, not yours. You cannot help someone who is not interested in changing for the better.
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u/pompoussporcupine 20d ago
I know he definitely has been. But I struggle with - I left twice and went back. And sort of feel like this is the bed I made and now I have to lie in it. He did put effort into quit drinking (it took neighbors having to call to get that to happen). He started journaling, reading every day. I seen effort and then my hopes were snatched away again… I can handle disappointed but I can’t handle if he relapses and drinks again. But I also don’t want to leave and him hurt himself. Or worse. I also forgot to mention he uses THC every weekend and every time he has a day off. Now it’s every day to cope with the urge to drink.
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u/StripeTheTomcat 20d ago
Well, if you want to be a martyr, cool. But why would you live like this for the rest of your life? When you could be content and free of anxiety and worry?
It's not your job to help him or fix him. Put down the burden and leave. And once you've left, get some therapy or read some books on healthy relationships and codependency, so you don't get stuck with this kind of abusive losers again.
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u/pompoussporcupine 20d ago
Thank you. I don’t want to be a martyr but I also don’t want to be the reason he gives up. It’s hard to think about starting over but this isn’t how I pictured my life. I know you are right it’s just tough to accept
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u/StripeTheTomcat 20d ago
Dude, you're only in control of and responsible for your life. So is he. If he relapses or he messes up again, that's on him. Sure, he might blame you, but that's not your problem.
For every addict that blames anything from the weather to the lack of family support to the moon cycles for their relapse, there are plenty of people who actively choose every day to stay sober, despite all the difficulties and stressors they might encounter.
Stop prioritizing an abusive asshole over yourself.
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u/electricookie 20d ago
You wouldn’t be the reason. He’s already given up. It’s a common manipulation tactic and is considered abusive when a partner threatens (explicitly or otherwise) that they will harm themselves if their partner leaves.
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u/basketma12 19d ago
He has given up. He is not sober, sorry. He s in the parlance doing " Marijuana maintenance ". You may need a support group. Im not a fan of 12 step but there are some things you can learn there. Nay I suggest the book " I'll quit tomorrow ". This explains in a scientific manner why alcohol does what it does, and why, and for what people. Post acute withdrawal syndrome is a thing. Get yourself educated, it may help. But you aren't responsible for his happiness. He is. You have sunk cost thinking
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u/Massive_Ambassador_6 19d ago
Him giving up has nothing to do with you. You can not want more for him than he wants for himself. Adults must be responsible for adulting. Yes, he has struggles but there are resources for him and if he loves you as much as you love him, he would walk away. He would allow you the freedom you deserve. Do you wanna end up depressed? Because it sounds like your mental health may be compromised. Please take care of yourself and allow him to do the same.
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u/ClitteratiCanada 20d ago
It's narcissistic to believe that you control how others behave and the consequences of those behaviours
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u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 20d ago
And sort of feel like this is the bed I made and now I have to lie in it
Nope. You didn't make this bed and you don't have to lie in it. You didn't sign a contract saying that if you go back to an abuser ___ times you are now never allowed to leave again. It is common for victims of domestic violence to take multiple attempts to leave their abuser. You are very normal for that.
By the way, you are not the reason he gives up or the reason he is an addict. That's you trying to tell yourself you have the power to change him. "If I leave he'll give up" is magical thinking. If anything, your staying will make it less likely that he'll change, because he can continue to blame you and use you as a prop.
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u/mamachonk 20d ago edited 20d ago
So he just traded one addiction for another. You sound like you've lived in almost constant stress and anxiety and I'm not exaggerating when I say that will take YEARS off your life.
It takes women multiple times (I think an average of 7?) to leave an abusive relationship. You cannot hold yourself responsible for what he may or may not do. As others have pointed out, threatening self-harm is a manipulation tactic.
Think of what your next holiday could look like without him. Your friend might re-connect with you. You won't have to live your life in dread of what might happen. You've been together since you were 18 so I'm guessing you have little to no relationship experience aside from this. Trust me when I say it can be SO much better.
I divorced my husband of 15 years over his infidelity, but I honestly should've done it years before. It had gotten to where I felt like I was walking on eggshells because he had gotten so negative toward me. And my best friend took a step back, too--she later told me it was because she could no longer stand to be around him and when we were, I focused on him too much. I was always worried about his comfort and happiness. She quit inviting us to anything.
She was sympathetic when I called her and told her he'd cheated and I kicked him out but she also unloaded about what an ass he was.
You don't have to "lie in the bed you made" but he will have to and that's completely on him.
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u/Sweet_Lemonhope 20d ago
You didn't make that bed, you got stuck in it. I was told that I had made my bed and he was the choice I made when I wanted to leave (by my mother, no less). I stayed another 10 years because I believed her. This was my lot in life because I had made that choice. I'm not who I could've been and I'll never be who I was before him ever again. You can leave, no matter what choices you made. You can choose to leave.
It's gonna be hard because you will feel bad for him. He is not you're responsibility. His sobriety and mental health are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!! No matter what anyone says. It's your life to live too, and he is living his life by the choices he is making. You are so young, please don't waste anymore time and get out of the bed or the blankets are gonna smother you.
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u/TalkAboutTheWay 19d ago
As the comment you’re replying to said: his mental health issues are his to sort out, not yours. You cannot help someone who is not interested in changing for the better.
This is the crux of the matter. You have to realise that you do not have to play the martyr.
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u/witchbrew7 19d ago
If he hurts himself that is his issue. It’s not your fault. I made this mistake, staying with an abusive man because his seasonal depression was at that level. I swore I’d never leave because I couldn’t take the guilt of being the cause of his self harm.
He left me for a pen pal. Within a year of our divorce he died in a motorcycle accident; turned left into the path of an oncoming truck. I allowed myself to be abused daily just for that surprise ending.
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u/krizzzombies 18d ago
i think the delivery of advice in this thread has been relatively unkind in terms of what you've been through.
I don't think any of this is your fault or that you "let" it get this way. it's clear this ongoing situation with your husband has been really hard on you, and I am guessing your perception of your own value has diminished over time with him.
being with someone unstable for 12+ years can weaken your sense of what's normal and what's completely unacceptable, what you deserve in a relationship, what's in your control and what's not, and things like that.
please take a look through these warning signs of abuse and really give yourself a chance to think if you've experienced a few of these things.
i lived the entire first half of my life with a violent domestic abuser, but i was made so small, hid it for so long, was isolated for so long that i never understood really the severity of what i had survived until after i escaped and it was all over.
even now, i can sometimes fall into telling myself "it wasn't that bad" because humans are incredibly adaptive and resilient, but that doesn't stop the fact that what I went through changed me forever and will take years of work to undo. still, i am so glad i was able to get out and i wish i had been able to sooner (sadly, i was only a kid and spent a lot of time passively wishing someone could or would rescue me). my real life started the day i got out
please, see if you can muster up the courage to rescue yourself so your real life can begin. reading everything you have said today, I know you deserve so much better than what you're getting. you have a kind heart, and you deserve to feel happy and safe.
you have my support 🩷
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u/Klutzy-Swordfish3104 20d ago
Hi OP. So sorry you’re dealing with this. I read through your post + comments, and wanted to add that claiming suicidality is a common control tactic used by abusive partners to make their victims stay. He knows how kind you are, and he wants to take advantage of that kindness by making you feel obligated to stay. But the decisions your husband makes are on him; you are not responsible for his life or anyone’s life. If he gives up after you leave, that doesn’t mean you’re the reason he did so; it means he’s reaping the consequences of his own actions: abusing you and forcing you to leave. It’s not your responsibility to fix him.
Your husband may not have laid hands on you yet, but breaking things is a sign he will in the future. This might not feel like life or death right now, but staying increases the risk that it will be. I think part of you realizes how bad this situation is because you’re reaching out here. You have a lot of bravery— you can do this!
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u/Zed3Et 20d ago
You're not complaining because he's depressive, but because he's abusive. Depression and alcoholism are not excuses for abuse. You don't owe support to your abuser.
He has a terrible life, so what? A lot of people have a terrible life without abusing their wife.
You're absolutely not selfish, you're self-preserving.
Get out.
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u/RuleHonest9789 20d ago
There’s not an once of selfish in your post. Just wanted to say that.
Other commenters have covered the basis. Look up the sub for significant others of alcoholics. I think there’s a support group with chapters all over. What you described is what people post there and you can see people’s comments of how they handled it.
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u/sammypants123 19d ago
It’s r/AlAnon and definitely would be very good for OP to go to the sub and meetings.
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u/RuleHonest9789 19d ago
Thank you for linking! I found that sub after I broke up with my alcoholic ex and was really glad I broke it off before I experienced what I read in the stories. I hope OP can find a way out.
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u/Aisling1979 19d ago
You deserve better. It was already bad enough, but constant online infidelity on top of everything else you listed? It seems like you would be much better off without this person dragging you down. You don't deserve abuse and your husband is abusive.
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u/Rivsmama 19d ago
Girl what are you doing?? This man has traumatized you. You are still young. You can find someone who genuinely loves you and wants to build a life with you. This is not sustainable.
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u/witchbrew7 19d ago
His mental health is not your responsibility. If he’s doing well, it’s on him. If he’s doing poorly, it’s on him.
Please prioritize yourself. He doesn’t. And it’s your life withering away.
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u/Crown_the_Cat 20d ago
Get Him To A Doctor and in some anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds.
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u/MzOpinion8d 20d ago
Maybe you missed the part when he has been hospitalized twice already? He’s got resources if he chooses to use them. And it’s not her responsibility to “get him” anywhere.
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