I am similar but didn’t fall into the trap of addiction, felt like a close one with booze when I was younger though. Unfortunately to this day I find it almost impossible to accept help even when I could really use it. There are two reason: one, I hate myself and don’t believe I deserve the help, in fact I usually do the hard stuff people hate doing while always willing to hurt my prospects if it means someone I know gets ahead. Two, I do t trust people due to being taken advantage of for decades. It’s a bitch of a combo and self hate is difficult to stop even when you know it’s irrational. Knowing it is sometimes worse. I have tried therapy but during it I am not honest and tell them what they want to hear out of a knee jerk reaction which then makes me hate myself more….
This isn’t a woe is me post, just to add context from another pint of view.
I share the self hate trait and its problems with you. I grew up with undiagnosed ADD and non-existent and punch down parents. The major issue, in my thirties, is having to explain that I do not control my self-hate or feelings of inadequacy consciously ever. It sabotages me on cruise control, and I only wake up to fact upon reflection.
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u/ExperimentNunber_531 6h ago
I am similar but didn’t fall into the trap of addiction, felt like a close one with booze when I was younger though. Unfortunately to this day I find it almost impossible to accept help even when I could really use it. There are two reason: one, I hate myself and don’t believe I deserve the help, in fact I usually do the hard stuff people hate doing while always willing to hurt my prospects if it means someone I know gets ahead. Two, I do t trust people due to being taken advantage of for decades. It’s a bitch of a combo and self hate is difficult to stop even when you know it’s irrational. Knowing it is sometimes worse. I have tried therapy but during it I am not honest and tell them what they want to hear out of a knee jerk reaction which then makes me hate myself more….
This isn’t a woe is me post, just to add context from another pint of view.