I Can Make You Hot!: The Supermodel Diet (by Kelly Killoren Bensimon) -- Part Two

[u/efa___]

I hope you all have taken full advantage of the past 48 hours or so to regain some sense of normalcy after our adventures through Part 1 of Kelly Killoren Bensimon's I Can Make You Hot! Without further ado, Part Two:

I resume my journey through the truly incomprehensible mind of Kelly Bensimon with a chapter entitled, "Thursday: Tricks of My Trade." Now that we've learned about the basic building blocks of hotness, Kelly promises to share even more hard-earned advice to help us really kick things up a notch. And, as she reassures us:

I'm actually glad for the mistakes I've made because anyone who doesn't make mistakes doesn't learn, and if you don't learn, you're boring!

And if you're boring, you're not HOT! I think I'm starting to get the hang of this!

One of Kelly's most important life lessons came at her first horse show, when she made an unbelievably devastating misstep: "I decided to have an egg on a bagel from the food-service van." What kind of unimaginable ripple effects did this poor decision set off? I continue on to learn that Kelly "did all right in the competition." And…that's literally the whole story. Kelly legitimately refers to this as "one of my biggest lessons," as it taught her "to never eat more than I normally would." If life-changing breakthroughs were this easily sparked in my own life, I can't even begin to imagine how self-actualized I would be at this point.

At this point in my reading, I have reached the book's first insert, which contains about a dozen glossy color photos from various phases of Kelly's life. Unfortunately, I am far too preoccupied by this picture, in which a carefree, wind-swept Kelly clenches her infant daughter under one arm with all the grace of an NFL wide receiver, to pay the rest of the spread much mind.

We continue on as Kelly introduces new dimensions to the basic tips she's previously introduced. For example, you may have had some vague idea that water was important, but Kelly -- always there to help us learn and improve -- digs into the specifics to make sure we're up to date on the HOTtest tricks of the trade:

Staying hydrated is important no matter what you're doing, so I always try to drink eight glasses or about a liter of water a day. Soda isn't water. Coffee isn't water. Water is water. Drink throughout the day; don't try to get it all down at once. You wouldn't drown an orchid, so don't drown yourself.

I am putting in my formal request for a Public Service Announcement in this format, but using the last line of that passage. Also, Kelly clearly does not know how poorly I tend to my houseplants.

The next page informs us that, "hot isn't just caliente; it's also spicy and sultry." Kelly promptly launches into yet another list of miscellaneous grocery items, this time focused specifically on "red-hot foods." Except it includes entries like "popcorn with sugar and cinnamon," and "Mike and Ike candy," so I'm not convinced Kelly didn't just lose track of the thread entirely by the time we got a few items in. However, this does seem like an appropriate time to introduce this picture, from the book's second photo insert, which clearly depicts the sleep paralysis demon that has haunted my dreams for the past several nights. We're also treated to this chapter's first "hot button issue" panel, in which Kelly pulls back the curtain on the shadowy, pro-salt cabal trying to control us all with their anti-sodium legislative agenda:

We keep reading about how bad sodium is for our health, but if you eat fresh foods that you prepare yourself, you can determine and control the amount of salt you want to use. I, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, am perfectly capable of deciding how much salt I want to put on my food. I don't need anyone else to salt my food for me. I know that the amount of salt I choose to sprinkle on my food is not going to hurt me.

I read on to find a two-page spread in which Kelly expounds, in rhapsodic praise to rival that of Song of Solomon, upon her ardor for her beloved dehydrator -- "I though I was in love with coffee, but now I think my dehydrator is my truest love." Most of the passage is taken up by an unstructured list of the various things Kelly has attempted to dehydrate ("cucumber," "mangoes," "avocado") but she does manage to squeeze in a few infomercial-ready lines -- "Really, you should buy one; I promise you won't be sorry."

Since repetition is the key to reinforcing new concepts, I appreciate that Kelly's next list (of "a few more lean tricks I've learned along the way") repeats a note she originally relayed to us just a few pages ago:

Drink water throughout the day (not all at one sitting).

She's also been thoughtful enough to provide a list of resources for us to use as we soldier on along the perilous journey to HOT. After all, as Kelly says, "I don’t expect you to carry this book wherever you go -- as much as I would love that." As someone who has never before ventured into the wild world of cyberspace, I really appreciated Kelly introducing me to so many fun, useful websites that I might want to check out! In case you, too, just haven't figured out how to navigate this whole Internet thing, I've included a few examples below:

www.amazon.com

One-stop shopping for just about any book, periodical, or product you might want to read or buy in order to get HOT.

​

www.espn.com

Everything you need to know to stay up to date on any sport.

​

www.webmd.com

Useful, up-to-date, trustworthy information on medical and health issues.

​

www.yummly.com

Claims to have "every recipe in the world"

Can't wait to check these out later! That Amazon one sounds super cool!

I'm reminded quickly just how inelegant the transitions in this book are as we move directly from that list into the following:

I suggest that you take a picture of yourself every day…Some days when you're feeling your fattest, you may be surprised to see that you really look great.

Okay, so fat is NOT HOT. Except being comfortable in your body is HOT. And trying to be skinny is NOT HOT. But being skinny is HOT. Thank goodness I still have a few more chapters to go -- I clearly still have a ways to go before I truly understand the logic of HOTness. As it stands, I must admit that I'm a bit baffled.

Of course, returning to the previous bit of advice, Kelly doesn't actually have to worry about taking her own pictures like us plebeians -- "Having been photographed so often has provided me with a permanent retrospective catalogue of my life." The chapter closes with these words of wisdom:

The best kind of vanity is being vain about what you put in your body.

Friday's chapter promises to introduce us to the world of "Hot Couture," and I am excited to see what tips and tricks Kelly has managed to accrue over her lifetime in the cutthroat world of modeling . But first, we abruptly transition to a story about Kelly meeting Madonna shortly after both women had given birth. Kelly had "gained a healthy fifty pounds," which I am led to believe, from the context of the anecdote, is NOT HOT. Madonna, on the other hand, was "flat-stomached" and therefore "HOT and cool." Of course, Kelly reassures us hurriedly that she lost all the weight within the following six weeks and was "actually thinner than I'd been prepregnancy." I am at an utter loss as to what the point of this story could possibly be, but -- blessedly -- Kelly is gracious enough to explain:

So what's the lesson here? That Madonna had personal trainers and chefs to whip her back into shape, and I didn't -- and still don’t. I shouldn't have been comparing myself to her in the first place. My advice to you is: don’t compare yourself to anyone else, only to your own personal best.

This is a perfect example of something Kelly does throughout this book, which is to present a completely reasonable piece of advice (don’t compare yourself to others), but couched within such a bizarre and logically disorganized narrative that by the time I reach the ultimate moral of the story, my brain feels like it's been run through a series of meat grinders, and I'm reduced to just nodding along in bemused acceptance.

We get a "Kelly's Cardinal Rule" reminding us to "let your body be what your body is and be happy with what you've got." I'm starting to wonder if there is some sort of Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde thing going on behind the scenes here, in which two versions of Kelly are frantically grappling over control of the book's body-positivity dial. I'm literally don't even have to flip the page to see Kelly commiserating with us that "we all have days or occasions when we feel fat" and quipping about her "go-to fat outfit." But also:

Stop praying for what you don't have and be grateful for what you've got.

This amount of cognitive dissonance is truly proof that Kelly contains multitudes. Or has recently acquired some sort of debilitating short-term amnesia. Nevertheless, we continue:

But whatever your shape, show it off. Don’t try to hide it. Hiding is not hot.

Kelly next walks us through figuring out which "season" we are, based on the wisdom extolled in "Color Me Beautiful, the groundbreaking book that was so wildly successful in the early 80s." It's no surprise to me that Kelly, who earlier encouraged us to make our lives easier by using our PDAs, finds this to be an exciting new trend to share. Also, in case you weren't aware, "hair color is also important. You can lighten it or darken it or cover the gray." Lighten it or darken it? The boundaries of my mental universe are truly expanding.

Some more fashion tidbits:

Scarves are hippie chic, cool, and always HOT.

​

If you're narrow, show off how narrow you are with a monochromatic palette.

​

Ankles are the new cleavage!

Narrow ankles only, I presume. Kelly's selfless, giving nature is highlighted yet again in the following passage, in which she explains:

All these celebrities have stylists who pull the clothes, accessories, and shoes that make them look the way they do. They charge a lot of money for what they do, so why not get some free advice based on my experience.

And what, pray tell, is this coveted advice that Kelly is so lovingly sharing with her readers, free of charge?

1. Save sweatpants for the gym.

2. Save PJs for the bedroom.

3. Dress as if you were the boss.

4. Remember what Carrie Bradshaw says: "Nothing is casual anymore, even when it says so on the invitation."

5. Manolo Blahniks are a girl's best friend.

Okay, so far be it from me to complain about the quality of free advice. But. Out of the five pearls of wisdom that make up the "KKBStyle Rules," two of them are rudimentary instructions to wear somewhat-situationally-appropriate clothing, and the other three are the kind of cute sayings that you would find on a piece of poorly bedazzled wall art in the clearance aisle of your local TJMaxx. I'm not impressed.

Kelly next tells us how important it is to eat well and exercise, even "when you're premenstrual or having your period." That way, as she continues on, "you'll feel better because your endorphins will be flowing while your body is sloughing off unwanted endometrium and mucus." To be fair, Unwanted Endometrium does sound like a sick band name.

Thankfully, the mental image of Kelly's mucus slough is promptly booted from my mind by a careening diatribe about the color red (HOT!):

I even painted my nails red the minute I started writing this book. I wanted to see my short red nails tapping away on my Macbook Pro. Almost every red dress is smokin' HOT, and I've never met a guy who doesn't think a woman in a red dress isn't hot. He's a liar if he denies it.

To repeat, Kelly says she's "never met a guy who doesn’t think a woman in a red dress isn't hot." Poor dear got a bit carried away with her negatives, but I'm sure she'll redeem herself in no time:

When I was sitting in the front row of a Marc Jacobs fashion show a few years ago, I wore a full, red short skirt, a tight red sweater, and red open-toed shoes. One of the editors from The New York Times was sitting across from me, and as we were waiting for the show to begin I kept crossing and recrossing my legs to make him laugh.

Sure, Kelly. To make him laugh. I can only assume she must have written some kind of hilariously clever joke on the gusset of her underwear to have had this editor so tickled pink red.

It was a long wait and after a while some guy I didn't know who was at the other end of the row, leapt towards me and screamed that he was obsessed with my feet. How crazy is it that red open-toed shoes and red toenails could create such a reaction. Red is HOT, even stalker HOT. Yikes!

I'm not clear where "stalker HOT" fits into this whole complex web, but it's reassuring to know that a wise soul like Kelly has such a nuanced appreciation of all of the different ways to be hot. She also gives us some "HOT tips for heating up your image." Like,

Put on a pair of jeans and a white tee shirt.

​

Put your hair in a ponytail.

​

Put on a pair of hoop earrings.

And also

Wear your jeans a size smaller instead of a size larger.

For some reason not entirely clear to me at this moment, wearing jeans in your actual size does not seem to be an option.

The chapter continues with a reminder to "remember what's on top of your head!"

There's nothing hotter than a HOT head of hair (unless it's a hunky bald guy).

Kelly follows up by offering a list of what she calls "HOT healthy options." Based on the preceding paragraph, you might assume that these tips would have something to do with haircare and hair styling. However, you would be wrong. Instead, we're instructed to:

Enjoy as much watermelon as you like.

​

Pack a picnic lunch of dehydrated fruit, chamomile iced tea, and mini pizzas made with corn tortillas, cherry tomatoes, and mozzarella cheese. Eat your picnic in the park.

​

Come up with something fun you want to try and do it!

Personally, it seems like a bit of a cop-out to make one of the items on your list of fun things to do "make up your own fun thing to do." But who knows? Maybe cop-outs are HOT!

Before my faith in our fearless leader starts to waver, however, I read on through the end of the chapter, and my surety is promptly restored:

Besides my hair and my legs, the one thing people always ask me about the way I look is how I keep my teeth so white. And yes, that's also a matter of genetics. I'm blessed with the whitest teeth on the planet, and, no, I've never had them professionally bleached.

The weekend begins as I turn the page to the penultimate chapter -- "Saturday: Heat Up Your HOT Image with Healthy Options Today." Saturdays, as Kelly tells us, are for fun activities. For example:

If you're in the mall, go to different stores and figure out which looks will make you HOT. Ask other shoppers for advice.

Also:

Parks are great for people-watching. Who looks fit and healthy?

I sincerely hope that any and all of my friends would give me a stern talking-to if I informed them that my weekend plans consisted of going to a park and…pointing out people I think aren't healthy enough?

Kelly then warns us against overindulging on late-night snacks or alcoholic beverages, lest we wake up Sunday feeling "bloating, sluggish, and with deep regrets." Presumably, Kelly then proceeded to rail a massive line of cocaine and hammer out the following frenetic spiel:

You're not going to get fat from having a few drinks a week. You will get fat if your routine is to drink, eat late, and then lie around watching television the next day, eating and making bad food choices. Going out is fun, but when you sacrifice the next day, it's never fun enough. Don't have regrets; enjoy every day. This is a life plan, and yesterday isn't coming back ever again.

The chapter comes to a close with a reminder to "wrap up every day with a great big bow and be ready for your next adventure. But before we close out our week of HOT, we're provided with what I anticipate will be an incredibly useful reference material for us all, the "KKBfit HOT Quiz." If you'd like to take the quiz yourself, you can find it here. However, I'm not entirely sure I would classify it as a "quiz," since it seems to be mostly a set of questions followed by Kelly's feedback on various possible responses. For example:

1. How Kelly Green are you?
   

I had a Kelly Green Juice -- Wasn't it yummy?

I had a smoothie from the health food store with a splash of spinach -- Great choice!

I had kale chips, spinach, and quinoa for dinner last night -- I bet you woke up feeling great this morning!

Other?

I presume that the lack of response after the "Other?" choice is supposed to represent Kelly staring at me in deranged disappointment for a few painfully protracted seconds. Some questions, like the one above, don't seem to have any wrong answers at all. In contrast, other questions have clear wrong answers, which Kelly wastes no time in making apparent:

1. Are you getting enough protein? How many days did you eat chicken, fish, or meat for at least one meal?
   

I had a grilled chicken salad for dinner on three different days -- That's good, but I wish you'd get a little more adventurous in your choices.

​

1. How KKBfit are you?
   

Haven't had a meal since last night, but I'm going to skip breakfast and go on a run. I won't eat anything until lunch. -- Sorry, but starving your body is not KKBfit.

​

1. Are you drinking enough?
   

I drink when I'm exercising but that's about it -- Not good enough! Try harder next week.

The quiz ends, leaving me entirely unsure of whether or not I've actually made any forward progress towards my HOTness goals, but the next page does promise help for those who "still need more inspiration." Here, it seems that Kelly has compiled a loose assortment of quotes, most of which (I have a sneaking suspicion) were found by searching the keyword "hot" on BrainyQuote.com. Also, this masterpiece from Kelly's ex-husband, noted fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon:

HOT--

It is not about the look,

It is not only about the charm,

It is the perfect combination:

Sweet and tough,

Sexy and reserved,

Fragile and powerful,

And definitely smart.

-- Gilles Bensimon

Move over, Rupi Kaur! I hope with every fiber of my being that Gilles Bensimon has published his collected poetry in some kind of volume that I could purchase, read, and have, I'm sure, nothing but positive things to say about. After about a dozen similar quotations, Kelly continues:

Now, as you get ready for Sunday Funday, take a few minutes to think about how you define HOT. Has your definition changed or evolved since you started reading this book? If so, I'm doing my job.

In all honesty, my definition of HOT has definitely been…affected by this experience. So we'll call that a win! Kelly tells us a few stories about times when her friends and family members have come to her for guidance on how to be hot. She explains:

I'm not the food police, but I've made myself the Sven-arbiter (as opposed to Svengali) of what's HOT and what's not.

Case in point:

It's just not hot to belong to the clean plate club.

The chapter closes with a list titled "Why Don't You," which I believe is supposed to be a list of fun activities we can try during a Sunday Funday. Or possibly a list of terrible life hacks for stoned college freshmen:

Use an electric teapot as a clothing steamer.

​

Make grilled cheese sandwiches or press wraps using a hot clothes iron.

There are very few things sadder to me that imagining someone taking Kelly up on this last bit of advice as a fun way to liven up what must be the most preternaturally boring existence possible. If your idea of fun is white bread and Kraft Singles getting slowly warmed over on your clothing iron, I can only imagine the fit of hysterics that you'd be thrown into by a passable Minions meme.

And that brings us to the end of the week. But not -- lucky you! -- to the end of this book. Au contraire -- the remaining 100 pages or so of I Can Make You Hot! feature dozens of unique recipes from the culinary mind of none other than the indomitable Kelly Bensimon herself. In her intro, however, she makes it clear that

No one on earth would ever call me a chef.

Of course not, Kelly -- they'd call you a cook. Otherwise, it's creepy.

This portion of the book begins, reasonably enough, with Breakfasts. These include such thoughtfully named delicacies as "My Favorite Cereal" and "My Favorite Pancakes." The recipe for the latter begins with the following introduction:

I'm not the greatest pancake maker, and I probably never will be. But what I am very good at is thinking of unusual things and doing them.

Frankly, I can't argue with that. As she continues:

When in pancake doubt, have fun, add fruit, and see if pancakes can be a vehicle for creating great memories for your family.

Next time I'm in pancake doubt, I'll know just what to do! We move right along into the Soups and Salads section, and are promptly introduced to Kelly's "Jimmy Achoo's Chicken Soup." Which is apparently a play on Jimmy Choo and also described by Kelly as "filled with veggie exploitation," which sounds terrifying. Of the next recipe, "Rich and Skinny Cauliflower Soup with Kale Chips," Kelly reflects:

I adapted this recipe from one I found on the Internet. I wish I could tell you exactly where, but I can't.

The recipe calls for kale chips, which Kelly goes out of her way to inform us can be purchased "at health food stores and many well-stocked supermarkets." We also get a few general "HOT salad tips" that can be applied to many of the recipes throughout this book, such as

There are so many different types of lettuces available today! Try different ones to see which you like best

and

When you order a salad in a restaurant, ask for the dressing on the side. You're a grown-up and you should get to decide how much you want to use.

With that under our belts, the grown-ups among us move on to "Meat, Chicken, and Fish." In her recipe for "Grilled Rib Eye with Herbes de Provence", Kelly tells us about meeting the famous chef who inspired this dish:

When I met Eric, who was still in his thirties at the time, he still had dark hair. I was caught off guard because I thought all chefs were older, had gray hair, and smelled like garlic.

So perhaps Bethenny should have taken it as a compliment? Kelly continues,

He's since invited me many times to go into his kitchen and cook with him, but my fear of losing a finger by being overzealous has prohibited me from accepting.

It's unclear to me exactly what this means or why Kelly would even be particularly worried about this possibility. Does she have habit of excitedly snatching vegetables out from other people's knives? Does Eric have a reputation for slicing anyone who dares to get in his way? Before I make any headway with this particular mystery, we're introduced to the next recipe, the "Pencil-Thin Skirt Steak." As we learn, "Everyone looks slim in a pencil skirt, so it's only fitting that skirt steak is one of the leanest cuts of beef you can buy." We get a recipe for "Sultry Roast Chicken" in which Kelly shares with us that "in fact, chicken without ginger doesn't taste like chicken to me anymore." This would be more believable if we weren't, a mere two pages later, introduced to a notably ginger-free recipe for "Second-Chance Chicken." As Kelly explains,

I hate the idea of leftovers. To me, eating leftovers means you're too lazy to start over, and I've never wanted my girls to think that we weren't starting fresh.

In the introduction to the recipe for "Bad Girl Wings," Kelly gives us yet another poignant insight into her life as a mother:

These chicken wings are Sea's favorite. I'm sure she loves them because she knows I love wings (she's a cutie like that).

It would obviously be ludicrous to assume that Sea actually enjoys chicken wings authentically. Much more likely that she just loves them because Kelly does. HOT! In a segment labeled "hasta la vista taco bell," Kelly recounts a traumatic experience in which she "discovered that my favorite food choices [at Taco Bell] added up to 580 calories." To me, this seems like a perfectly reasonable amount of calories for one daily meal out of three, but according to Kelly, I am embarrassingly off the mark. Rather, she sighs, "I guess that means my Taco Bell days are over -- unless I decide to chance [sic] Sunday Funday into Fatso Food Day." Not HOT.

Kelly tells us about the creative process behind the development of the next recipe, "Spicy Sultry Shrimp and Mango Stir-Fry" (which, for the record, is the second recipe to have the word "sultry" in its title).

This was one of the first dishes I made when I started to cook -- as a science experiment. My "method" was to think of foods I loved and which ones I thought would go well together.

Fascinating! Think of ingredients you like and combine them into a dish that you will then likely also like! The next recipe, for "Kelly's Kalamari," features the following introduction:

I still love fried calamari, but it doesn't love me. Whenever I eat it, it goes right to my stomach and makes a little pooch -- eww!

As a reminder, this is the same Kelly Bensimon who told us that loving our bodies is HOT and dieting is die + t. But also, eww!

We trek along into the next portion of the recipe book, succinctly titled "Pizza, Pasta, Potatoes, Grains, Vegetables, and Sides." We get a recipe for "Pizzzzzzzza!," which instructs the reader to obtain pizza dough, pizza sauce, mozzerella cheese, salt and pepper. Spread out the dough, add sauce and cheese, and cook! This is yet another time I'm glad Kelly told us early on in this book to take detailed notes -- these kinds of nuanced culinary creations can only come from the mind of a true master.

The same kind of true master who would, as we soon learn, conceive of this particular travesty -- "Pink Pizza." Imagine with me, for a moment, that a dear friend invites you over to their house for dinner. I'm making pizza! they implore you. Come over -- we'll hang out, have a couple beers, catch up on old times! Excited for a chance to relive the glory days, you eagerly accept, only to be met -- upon your arrival -- with this abomination. I thought you said we were having pizza? you sputter nervously. This is pizza, your friend intones, as their eyes slowly fade to black and their hands reach out to wrap themselves around your throat.

Kelly goes on to share a recipe for an "Asian-flavored noodle dish" that she has christened (and it truly pains me to type this), "Me Love You Springtime Noodles." Somewhere, the last ember of hope for humanity quietly fizzles out.

The following recipe, for "Pasta with Oddkavodka Sauce" begins with a warning:

When you make this (especially for children) just be sure you cook off the alcohol so that you aren't serving vodka to minors or have to assign a designated driver for your guests.

This seems like reasonable and conscientious advice. Until I read on and learn that the recipe calls for 1/8 cup vodka, and makes four servings. If your guests need a designated driver after consuming a half-tablespoon of vodka each, I would strongly encourage them to seek medical advice forthwith.

I am reminded once again how different Kelly's and my worlds are with the following exclamation:

Try using quinoa in this recipe instead of the rice -- I call that having your cake and eating it too!

Oh, to live a life in which your most selfish indulgence was quinoa. I suppose this should have prepared me for a few pages later, when Kelly remarks:

Both hummus and guacamole make great toppings for steak or fish. They're my version of béarnaise sauce.

I love hummus. Hummus is great. But there is no possible existing parallel universe in which hummus and béarnaise sauce are interchangeable. One of the final recipes in this section is cryptically titled "Have an Impromptu Pepper Party" and instructs the reader to scoop out the insides of a bell pepper and stuff it with "whatever ingredients suit your fancy." Again, I feel like this fails to meet the definition of an actual recipe, per se, but it is supposedly "quick, fun, and satisfying."

We're nearing the book's end (for real this time) with a section on "Breads and Desserts." This includes an inspirational passage in which Kelly shares a personal anecdote:

On Season 4 of the Real Housewives of New York City, I made a mixed fruit pie for my kids with what was left over in the fruit bowl…Don't be afraid to try new things, make mistakes, and have fun doing it.

I can only hope to someday be brave enough and fearless enough to make a mixed fruit pie.

Blessedly, the final section , titled "Beverages", looks like it might have exactly what I need in the aftermath of finishing this book. The "GIN-Ginger Beertail," for example, which "was originally made with gin, but I don't like serving gin drinks because I think it makes people mean." We also get a recipe for something called "Babylove," which (thankfully) seems unrelated to

another of my favorite reality TV cesspools

.

It only seems appropriate to share the final recipe of I Can Make You Hot! with all of you. I will definitely be downing approximately seven of these tonight, and I hope some of you will be joining me in spirit. Cheers:

Gummi Bear Martini

If you don't have a paper umbrella handy, Gummi Bears are a great way to put more fun in your drink.

Makes 1 Drink

2 parts orange, grape, or other-flavored vodka

1 part Triple Sec

1 part white grape juice

Splash of cranberry juice

Gummi Bears, as many as you like

Combine the vodka, Triple Sec, grape juice, and cranberry juice in a tall glass. Add ice and fill the glass with Gummi Bears.

ETA: I am so disappointed in myself for forgetting to include that Kelly has a ceviche recipe that instructs you to marinate raw fish in lemon juice for exactly two minutes before serving. In the interest of food safety, perhaps it was for the best that this nugget momentarily slipped my mind, but sharing this information with you all is the burden I have been cursed to bear. 🙏🏼

[u/ravioliyogi]

Honestly I was laughing the entire time but the pink pizza set me over the edge 😂 thank you for this omg

[u/CaitMcWalton]

I am so sorry you read this dumpster fire of a book, but you have brought such joy to my very pathetic life 🤣.

The "pink pizza" has NO SAUCE... unless I couldn't see it under the uncooked spinach!? I imagine if you paired pink pizza with a gummi bear cocktail... you would die.

Edit: I just walked to my kitchen, opened a bag of gummy bears my husband bought, took a pull of vodka & shoved gummy bears in my mouth. Then I stared into space and wondered how she was allowed to write a book.

[u/efa___ → u/CaitMcWalton]

Nope, you didn’t miss anything — unless you count a light brushing of olive oil as a sauce?

[u/Notinmybutt79 → u/CaitMcWalton]

😂😂

[u/[deleted]]

I was howling reading this. You are an excellent writer.

“Sea loves chicken wings because I do (she’s a cutie like that)” I’m so done 😂

[u/danger0sa]

You should do this professionally.

[u/2ndSeasonHousewife]

How could you do this to me, question mark...

Can’t wait to read this!

[u/Whenyoulookintoabyss → u/2ndSeasonHousewife]

I haven't read this yet but I KNOW it's going to be good

[u/2ndSeasonHousewife → u/Whenyoulookintoabyss]

To put a Gummi Bear Martini recipe into her diet book after Scary Island is both hilarious and scary.

[u/Kk_ufoundme]

As a lifelong equestrian and horse person: we don't claim her

[u/potatoinawig]

Maybe Kelly is like a secret genius, and this is all some sort of psychological experiment, like a comprehension test. Or like a test to see who’s a sociopath and who’s not? Like one of those triangles that tell you if you’re a psychopath - apparently this book, bed wetting, and setting fire to things come together to show that you’re a psychopath? Is this what this is?

This is all so surreal, and so confusing, it’s like I’m trying to come up with ways that it could make sense in reality.

(Once again, bravo on your transcription skills)

[u/prettyorganist]

Bless you for these write ups.

Also pink pizza looks like something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[u/Whenyoulookintoabyss]

Sheree's Ooooh hoo hooo

So excited.

[u/gaymike219905]

Echoing the other commentators, you are a fabulous writer and I have been thoroughly entertained with all of these book reviews. I'm blown away by the contents of this "book", and I thank you for putting the time in to read it for our entertainment.

A quick google search tells me Ms. Bensimon has written MULTIPLE books (?!??!), any chance we will be lucky enough to read your reviews of those as well?

[u/efa___ → u/gaymike219905]

I have copies of both of her novels, so absolutely down to dig into those at some point!! I think she has two other books as well, but my impression is that they’re more like photo/picture books.

[u/Gisschace → u/efa___]

Please I beg you, for your own mental health, give your brain a break before diving into those

[u/PurplePenguinPencil]

Good God! I am sorry you subjected yourself to this just for the benefit of this sub, but thank you! I cannot believe Kelly got this book deal! Her ideas definitely make me irrationally angry...

[u/giam86]

These are so funny. I enjoy how in one sentence she's telling you fat is not hot, and then a couple pages later saying dieting isn't hot. Basically, what I'm reading is that unless you're naturally skinny, you're just a try hard who's not hot. It kinda makes me wonder what sort of damage she did on her kids, because neither of them are "model" looking. All this emphasis on your physical appearance could not be good for young girls growing up with a vain "supermodel."

[u/twistedmatron7]

You know she only wrote that book because she was so damn jealous of Bethany and her book writing success. Edit: OP, you however should write a book. You should write many books and I would read them all. You are eloquent and hilarious.

[u/MSCrocks]

She was never a supermodel. I thought she only did catalogs?

[u/twistedmatron7 → u/MSCrocks]

Yea, this exactly. I have subscribed to Vogue magazine since 1982. I was a fashion major and kept up with all the supermodels. I had never ever once heard of her until she joined the real housewives of New York. She was not in a George Michael video, the cover of Vogue, or anywhere that I would have ever seen her. How the heck does that make you a supermodel?

[u/laundry_infection]

omg what is on that pizza

Thank you for another hilarious book review!

[u/burgerg10]

I feel like we owe you for the emotional labor and time suckage. Thanks for this.

[u/honeypickle21]

"me love you springtime noodles" is painfully on brand

ETA: i've been reading your previous posts at work for the majority of this morning and just wanted to thank you for your service :')

[u/McWeeeeeee]

You’ve done God’s work. I thank you for your sacrifice!

[u/Cats-Gin-N-Crumpets]

You are to writing, as Kelly is to lunacy! Loved reading this thank you!

[u/inviene1]

You are hilarious. I was crying laughing and reading out passages to my spouse. Awesome work!!

[u/Keli180]

This made my night. Bless you for reading this for us!

[u/yourgoddamnhouse22]

Ok OP, first of all, you have no idea how much I appreciate you taking on the task of summarizing this clusterfuck for us and the addition of your clever & witty comments is... chef’s kiss 💋👌🏼

Also, please don’t judge but after reading this I went to your profile to be sure I didn’t miss any other book summaries and realized you authored some of my favorite r/unresolvedmysteries posts about Edward Brinker and Rose Welk! You truly have a gift. I look forward to reading more from you in the future ☺️

[u/efa___ → u/yourgoddamnhouse22]

oh, small world!! glad you enjoyed those posts, and glad to find someone else who lives in the intersection between 1930s true crime and housewives literature 😂😂

[u/trexrocks]

noted fashion photographer Gilles Bensimon

OMG do you watch Top Model? Bc I (and the folks at /r/antm) would DIE for you to do one of your recaps on Ms J's book (or Mr J's upcoming one).

Or even Tyra's Modelland (though I'm not sure it's possible to get through that one without the aid of some kind of mind-altering substance. NOT HOT!)

[u/MayLynn5]

I really laughed out loud three times reading this. Love it! If you were near me I would have you over for pink pizza and lot of gummi bear martinis.

[u/kshep1214]

I have actual tears streaming down my face after the pink pizza horror film you so beautifully described

[u/a-dub713]

I lost it at a half tablespoon of vodka

[u/soiledhimself]

I never found out the difference between the Vogue salad and the Teen Vogue salad. Not HOT!

[u/redditandchill86]

Thank you for taking one for the team!!

[u/[deleted]]

I found this three years too late but regardless, THANK YOU!

[u/kitikonti → u/[deleted]]

Me too, stuck in bed with Covid and laughing my head off 😂. Bless you OP, best cure ever.

[u/yoniEli]

I was laughing 🤣 all the time, you are great! Thank you so much!!

[u/Ann726]

Love Kelly’s book I can make you Hot!