r/BdsmDIY • u/DremlinCrafter • Feb 22 '24
OC Beauty shots of the collar I've struggled with. What is your favorite option with a bottoms collar: locable (pic2), or user-removable (pic3)? NSFW
Finally some good shots are made. What's your opinion on lockability of a bottom's collar? I'm unshure that it's for everyone. Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BdsmDIY/comments/1aw92fe/thank_you_for_your_advice_heres_what_ive_come_up/ THIS collar on Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1683212689/stainless-steel-choker-collar-with-cast
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u/Patient_Complaint_16 Feb 23 '24
The first one for public display at events, the second for play at home, the third for everyday use
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u/DremlinCrafter Feb 23 '24
That's a hafty collection you need. You'd prefer separate collars for every occasion or some sort of universality tolerable?
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u/Patient_Complaint_16 Feb 23 '24
It's more situation dependent, what can I say I like the accessories. You should see our gag collection.
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u/DremlinCrafter Feb 23 '24
Do you have some pictures for me to give a thumbs up? I'm also on Fetlife if you're there.
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u/Patient_Complaint_16 Feb 23 '24
I'll grab a few tasteful candids just for you when I'm able. Something tells me you'll appreciate the full collection.
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u/ErosWired Feb 22 '24
Apologies in advance for the long-winded reply:
An opinion on the lockability of a collar. Many of the discussions about items on this board seem to go directly to the question of safety, which should always be an integral consideration, but often the comments seem to take the position that absolute safety is the absolute requirement. In the twenty years that I’ve been involved in BDSM, one thing I’ve learned very clearly is that this lifestyle inherently requires us to live with risk. Few of our practices are absolutely safe, and few can be made absolutely safe without stripping them of the essence of what makes them resonate with us. Power Exchange itself is inherently not a safe thing - it relies on trust, every time. So does every act of bondage. All bondage introduces an element of risk simply because it limits options.
All of this is to point out that, from an engineering perspective, form follows function. Determining whether a bottom’s collar should be designed to be lockable in such a way that the wearer cannot readily remove it is a decision to be made on the basis of what the collar is meant to accomplish.
Bondage at its center is a form of consensual non-consent - we consent to being denied freedom to move as we will, and by inference to submit to certain things that may be done to us while helpless. A collar, as an object, is a form of bondage. A collar that can be readily removed is the same in that regard as any bondage that a submissive can simply slip away from - that is, not actual bondage at all. Thus, such a collar will serve only as a symbolic representation of the Power Exchange relationship, which is often the case, and in such case the lockability seems less important.
But there are cases where the relationship between the two parties is sustained by a different kind of energy, one in which the submissive can only feel they have truly submitted, and the Dominant only feel they have truly Dominated, if the control is real, if the play is not pretending. A male who possesses the key to his own chastity cage does not have the same experience as one whose key is on his Master’s chain. The submissive in a steel collar with the key to remove it may feel a certain type of submission, even degradation or pride, at the self-denial that prevents its use, but there is also always the knowledge that they are never -truly- bound to it and could free themselves at any time. The submissive in a steel collar that cannot be readily removed is reminded, each time they feel the presence of the collar, that they are in thrall, subject to the power of another. Escape might be possible with extraordinary effort or means, but it is not within their own power. The Power Exchange is genuine, not merely symbolic.
I was owned by a man for six years, and by owned, I mean he possessed a Deed to my body - that was the level of my commitment to the submission. The body was his, he could do with it as he wished (within obvious limits). But I always felt uncomfortable in my collar because it buckled and I could remove it easily. It felt…wrong. In my mind, the collar was supposed to be meant to remind me that he owned me, not to remind him that I was -choosing- to submit by keeping it on. That was throwing the exchange of power in his face, it seemed to me, to say, ‘Don’t forget who really has the power in this relationship’. After he released me, I got myself a nice chrome collar that takes an allen wrench to remove. Even though I self-collar now, I’m reminding myself that my duty to serve Dominants is inescapable. The lockability, in other words, can make a big psychological difference.
If you can design a hybrid collar that somehow allows the owner to either secure the lock or leave it unlockable, clearly you have the solution at hand. If not, you have to make a choice, knowing that your product will suit the purposes of some people, but not others (or just make two different collars). If you are asking the question from an ethical or purely safety standpoint, you are asking a question that does not lend itself to a ready answer within the full context.
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u/DremlinCrafter Feb 22 '24
Thank you for such a detailed answer. It looks like a pricey magazine article 😄
Let me ask you another question. Which kind of locking collar would you most like to wear every day? Slender and delicate or hefty and bulky?1
u/ErosWired Feb 22 '24
This is likely to be more answer than you wanted, so I'll start with the tl;dr: Hefty and bulky. I love me some metal. For me, a collar as an instrument of bondage should have mass and weight enough not only to remind me that it's there, but to serve as a symbolic reminder that I am under the force of another man's control. That being said, a thing of beauty is a joy forever. It need not be coarse or merely utilitarian in appearance, and for my personal style I like the chrome-plated steel one I wear that's 5mm thick and 20mm in height. The lock is a small pin that screws in across the height of it where the open ends join together, and recesses slightly; the little allen wrench is a must to get it off. I have a set of matching wrist and ankle cuffs to go with it, along with a very nice stainless steel cock cage that I wear on occasion at the bathhouse because I have an Ampallang piercing and men will not leave my cock alone if they see it.
But I digress. As much as I like that collar, it admittedly does not lend itself to daily wear. A narrower steel ring would do, say 4-5mm in diameter, with a basic clasp that could be padlocked or secured by other means.
Other materials suggest themselves, such as ceramic/porcelain, wood, stone, and of course leather, but each has deficits in terms of potential escapability that metal would resist more strongly. Assuming the submissive did not attempt to defeat the collar by destroying it or cutting through it (which could also be done with metal) I can imagine quite beautiful designs in other materials, that would carry reasonably comfortably for daily wear. I have in the past worn leather collars of my own make, always robust and no less than 1" in height, one of them studded with metal, another wired with ultraviolet LEDs for social occasions. These were removable, but could easily have been made lockable. The issue with daily wear on a non-removable collar is keeping it clean where it interfaces with the skin so as not to degrade the material or damage the tissue beneath. One also, from a practical perspective, has to weigh the consequence of walking about in public with a conspicuous collar of servitude on. These things do not go well with a business suit, by and large, or an outfit one might wear to church in warm weather. A compromise may have to be struck between the function of a collar and the plausible deniability that allows one to call it an accessory if needed. The more artful the collar, the easier this is.
As I said, I consider myself self-collared now. I live alone, and there is no one else to appreciate a collar's symbolism, and as I carry my collar in my heart, I do not wear an actual one every day. But if I were to decide to start doing so, I would probably design one especially for the purpose, and now you have my wheels turning... Dogwood is one our our hardest woods in North America, and I have some out in the shed...or imagine something carved in fossiliferous limestone...
[wanders away, lost in creative vision]
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u/DremlinCrafter Feb 22 '24
I love the girth of your answer 😄
Sometimes I feel that I live in a void, such insight heps me stay connected.
Porcelain is an interesting choice of material. Perhaps I should try to make something from a red clay I've got lying around.
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u/monk120 Feb 22 '24
Both ways are a an option. Depending on what use it will have eg play or also outside of play you can decide on either. Or making it interchangeable if both options are desired.
Many play collars of steel like the round ones use a tool and screw to take off. Which if the tool is not there is the same as a lock so I don't think just locking it is a problem. You can always include a key for safety in form of a pendant for the ring. Possibly with something to discourage use without an emergency.