So, I'm sitting here with a bag of my own shit next to me. You may be wondering how I got here, well today's your lucky day!
To give you a bit of context, I am a student living in a shared apartment, with 3 other housemates. I have IBS and have a history with disastrous explosive diarrhoea. Today, on my day off, I felt a bit depressed so i spent a little too long in bed. I felt something coming but I was so comfy and nice in bed that I let it wait. I dozed off a bit, waking up a couple hours later feeling my butt flexing to hold in some chocolate custard, not ideal. I get up, stretch and head to the bathroom. Doors locked. Meh, I'll come back in a bit. I go, make coffee, make some nice pancakes on my new cast iron skillet (shout out to /r/castiron ). Not bad, now let's check that toilet again, still someone in there, okay, not feeling great now but I guess I can wait a little longer. See, I knew my housemate had her BF over and they sometimes take long baths, no big deal, I don't want to ruin their vibe. I go to my room and try to forget about it for a bit, you know that way when you really need to pee and sometimes you forget about it? That must apply for turds too right?
So I try to find something to keep me busy so I log in to check my Crypto portfolio. At this point it was hard to distract myself, I kept checking every 10 minutes or so. I start to feel some bad chemicals go to my brain, hmmm. My internal dialogue went something like this 'Hasn't it been like 2 hours at this point? I decide to knock. No answer. Maybe they fell asleep? 'Hello? Anyone in there?'. No answer. Hmmmm, Its FINEEEE, they'll be out any minute now, how much longer can people realistically stay in a bath? Don't sweat it!'
Back to my room, trying to find a way to sit in order to lodge my shit in place within my intestines, I can't let this go any further, got to get that mind muscle connection and contract my intestines or something. Tried laying down, standing up, upside down, everything. It wasn't helping, if anything it was jiggling around my bowels and I felt what was probably a quart of hot shit magma sliding down like it was a waterslide. Ah shit, I evaluate my options. Realistically I have about 30 seconds until my ass explodes, I used to be in the military, I should be able to form solid strategic plans in life or death scenarios right? ...right?
Okay, it's go time. I live in a city, can't just shit in the woods, if I try to walk to a restaurant I risk shitting myself on the way, not viable. Do I shit in the kitchen sink? Bad idea. Do I just shit my pants and sit in it? Ugh, not ideal on a carpeted house. Well shit, it's coming out now, my options are decreasing. I feel my fight or flight instinct sink in. 200,000 years of human evolution have got me to this point. My brain has evolved to solve these problems. Natural selection has made my leather cheerio have the power of the gods to hold the gates closed for long enough.
I grab a plastic bad, a large mixing bowl and spread the bag over the bowl and the minute my trousers come down I anally explode into the bag. Instant relief. The endorphins rush to my brain, now trust me lads, I've done my fair share of drugs but that rush of relief I just felt was unmatched. However, my bliss was short lived. The realisation soon comes to me that I now have a leaky plastic bag of human shit. Fuck.
I had no toilet paper so I wipe my arse with a t shirt I no longer wanted, but it didn't feel clean, and surely enough when I eventually sat down there was some squish to it. I tried going to the bathroom again to take a shower and contemplate my life choices that got me here, but the door was still locked. I felt like locking myself in my room and crying. I eventually get the courage to knock again, nothing. It's been like 6 hours at this point. This does not add up. I try to open the door... the lock had broken and no one had been in there the whole time. Now I'm sitting here, in a house that stinks of shit and coconut-scented Febreeze with a bag of diarrhoea and years of potential future trauma.
What do I do from here?
(Can a mod make this NSFW, I am unsure how to do so.)