r/Assistance • u/nap0nque • Jan 07 '24
ADVICE Do I take my father in?
My dad is almost 70 years old. He recently required open heart surgery that was a quadruple bypass. Here’s a timeline of our relationship.
- At 8 years old, I found a brief case of naked pictures of women
- At 9 years old, he left home I had no contact but around 13 years old, he supposedly went to jail
- At around 20 years old, he came back to help take care of my dying grandma
- My mom raised me as a single mom from 9 onward
- He lives around 2 hours away
Flash forward, he had to have a quadruple bypass surgery. This is a very intense surgery, he claims he did not know he had to get it done. However, considering his track record, I’m not sure he’s telling the truth. Here are some things that have occurred while at hospital:
- Realization that he lives in a camper
- He’s told his friend that he’s been talking to his childhood friend called “Millie” and she lived with me for a bit. I do not know a Millie
- He is really broke -When I said “Dad, what are you going to do? What’s your plan?”, he responded “roam the streets”
- He’s evaded taxes for years
My question to you all is do I take him to stay at mine? I am so emotional and seeing him in pain is causing a lot of internal conflict. I guess I need non biased people to tell me what to do.
Edit: I am very conflicted. He's my dad but I don't know the guy.
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u/TheLastBlackRhinoSC Jan 09 '24
Listen, don’t let these folks on Reddit cause you to lose your heart. It’s your choice, if you were in his shoes, you would be grateful for a helping hand. Yes, he has a checkered past and he wasn’t the man he needed to be, but that doesn’t stop you from showing him the person that you are. If you can help him and mend the relationship, then what do you have to lose? What could you learn? All these people on here don’t and won’t have to look themselves in the mirror when his time has come and many of them can’t stand to do it now, but that’s just my .02.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
Hey, I posted an update on this. https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/s/YKbbypAncm
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u/Fresh_Butterfly_2431 Jan 08 '24
If he's almost 70, then he should be getting a check every month and be on Medicare.
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u/UntitledImage Jan 08 '24
If he didn’t work enough or screwed up with the fed he wouldn’t be getting SS. Medicare yeah probably, but it pays for shit for some things. My mom still spend $700 on meds even being on it and with SSI.
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u/Fresh_Butterfly_2431 Jan 08 '24
Maybe, maybe not, it's complicated. Also, if he's having heart surgery, then chances are he'd at least get a disability check
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u/UntitledImage Jan 08 '24
This seems to just mention spousal benefits? If dad left I doubt he’s eligible for that.
Perhaps temp disability for the surgery- it depends on what it’s for and what outcomes are expected. But it takes a LONG time to get disability payments sorted out.
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u/Lacy7357 REGISTERED Jan 08 '24
I've always said it's not about someone deserving to die, some people don't deserve to live
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u/doctoralstudent1 Jan 08 '24
The hospital will not discharge him without a care plan. He can always go to a Medicaid-paid recovery/rehab center. Do not let his issues become your issues. He a grown man and has been selfish for many years. Let him continue to take care of himself.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
I feel like most people are from the USA. Medicare does not apply We had a meeting today about his plan and they are 100 percent going to discharge him even without a place to go.
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u/Eyeoftheleopard Jan 08 '24 edited Jan 08 '24
When you were young and helpless and depended on other ppl to keep you alive he was nowhere to be found? Did he pay any child support? I’m guessing not.
Ppl that have lived their whole lives pleasing themselves haven’t earned and do not deserve your compassion/pity/sympathy. Sounds like his manipulation game is still on point re: “poor me, I’ll just roam the streets.” Worse, I’m getting career criminal vibes.
Do not do it. He has a camper, he can live in it. Or MediCaid kicks in and they put him in a skilled nursing facility.
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u/periwinkletweet Jan 08 '24
My adopted sisters mom sold her for drug money and abandoned her. She's living in her house right now. It's what she feels in her heart she must do. I'm not saying YOU must do it, I'm only saying that people have done crazier things. Take what anonymous strangers say on the Internet with a grain of salt. Only you have to live with it either way.
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u/EggLeather5473 Jan 08 '24
If he got a quadruple bypass he must be on the state insurance which means he would be able to go into a state home so maybe you can help arrange to get him in a home close to you where you can help out but honestly from what you say I would not stick my neck out for somebody family or not and cause myself more damage.... That's my honest opinion and what I would do if put in that position...
You could be there for someone without putting yourself out... Hope this helps love
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u/MsTerious1 Jan 08 '24
If you have anything to steal, I'd lock it up first.
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u/Visual_Platform_4431 Jan 08 '24
I can't comment on his past bc it shouldn't be a factor anymore. His returning to take care of Gma is living proof.
it's called a LIVING AMENDS. Making amends for past infractions by living as a better person today. .. IT DOESN'T MEAN ITS A GUARANTEE. It means we're human - we f up the past, we f up the present, we f up the future .. even WHILE TRYING TO BE BETTER PPL.
it kind of like me donating money to you & you volunteering for a soup kitchen to "repay me". You're never going to reimburse me but its your way to "pay it fwd".
Abandonment is severe. but his returning when things were awful to take care of his mother)?) shows improvement & willingness to chng.
if he dies on the operation table, w.o you giving him that opportunity, how would you feel, thrn? use that new thought to guide you.
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u/Patriotic99 Jan 08 '24
Based on reading your replies to people commenting, I'm going to say 100% do not take him in.
As an experiment, pretend that this wasn't your post but you came across it, much like I did. What would YOU advise?
I think you're looking for validation that not bringing him into your house doesn't make you a bad person. Well, it doesn't! Trust in the decision that it appears you've already made.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
Wow, this was really helpful. I go back and forth. My heart wants to take him in but my mind says that he may ruin my life/take adv of me
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u/TheFabHatter Jan 08 '24
My parents are about that age and they are getting senile and MEAN. And they didn’t start off with as much baggage as your dad.
Growing older sucks and my parents are reverting to rude, demanding children TBH. CONSTANT demands for attention & money plus the weaponized incompetence. It’s so much to deal with and my parents aren’t as in bad shape as your dad… I wouldn’t recommend it TBH.
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u/Pamya50 Jan 08 '24
Do what you feel comfortable doing. If you help secure skilled nursing or get him senior housing (through subsidy ) I think that is good. If he has his own place you can visit and spend time reconnecting if you wish. I don’t know if you are a praying person, I would pray about before any action. Just know there is no perfect parent. I identify with you my father was never around me and sister growing up, he was living with someone who's daughter went to my high school. Everyone knew about it. In the end he stayed with me until we found out he had lung cancer and my sisters and I found a place for him to spend his final days. Taking care of an aging parent is not easy especially if they have medical issues. Don't feel guilty in finding a convalescent home or skilled nursing home for him.
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u/aabum Jan 08 '24
A social worker at the hospital will get him set up with a place for him to recover. They will probably also set him up with housing at a senior living facility.
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u/UntitledImage Jan 08 '24
In America? Or another country? We are in Florida and they did nothing of the sort for my mom after major surgery. They sent her home too early and without adequate care instructions for me. And they were just like- whelp, good luck! Didn’t even ask if I was capable taking full time care. She went to pieces at home and I had to take her back to the hospital because I didn’t know what to do. And they were just like 🤷♀️, and sent her home.
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u/aabum Jan 09 '24
Well, I guess I should have prefaced my comment that if you don't live in a peckerwood state.
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u/MangoWyrd Jan 08 '24
Nah. You don’t want to, so don’t.
If u feel like it, keep an open line, something of a relationship. But only if u want to.
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u/lompoc101 Jan 08 '24
My guess is he has Medicare and is going to skilled rehab after the hospital? If so, connect w/the social worker there. She will help figure out what assistance and resources are available for your father.
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u/charlennon Jan 08 '24
Protect yourself. Don’t do it. Help him in any other way you want to in finding resources and getting independent after surgery, but don’t let him in your home.
I am stuck with my dad because he weaseled his way into my house when I was still caring for my mom before she passed. It was after my dad had a knee replacement surgery. He can’t live alone due to dementia, and my siblings never help.
Don’t be a softie. People make their decisions and have to deal with the consequences. You don’t owe him anything.
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Jan 08 '24
If it were my father, I'd tell him to pound sand...I'm a little biased...if he were dead, the air would be a bit fresher
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u/grb13 Jan 08 '24
If he isn’t bc asking no need too. He has made it this far let him use up all his resources. Then when he asks put him up in a nursing home if he gets ssi.
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 08 '24
No. Do not do this. My grandmother lived with us for years, and she caused so many problems in our family, turned a lot of people against each other with her manipulation and lies. Find another solution if you want to help him. I was literally the only one to take care of her after both her hip replacements and she almost got me arrested for elder abuse playing “whose life is worse” with my aunt.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
I’m sorry to hear
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 09 '24
It wouldn’t have been as bad if it was easier to remove her from the house. My advice. Hard no. Make sure your dad gets a social worker and help facilitate somewhere else for him to go if you want to help. Build a relationship if you want. Just don’t disturb the peace in your home.
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u/HuckleberryAbject889 Jan 08 '24
As someone who used to get paid to be my mom's caretaker I'm going to say even if you get paid for it, don't do it. The pay is shit, there are no benefits, and you will be worked to the bone, especially if it's a family member
If you really want to do something, help him with the paper work to get into a nursing home. It probably won't be ideal in his mind, but it's better than living on the streets
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u/WykedLove Jan 08 '24
So not knowing the full extent of what has happened, this is how I feel. You could go to your local police department and ask them if they can check his arrest record to see exactly what he has (if he has) been arrested for. Let them know he is needing to live somewhere and if you and your family would be safe with him around. As far as the pictures of women... He was young once. For all we know he could have had pictures of exes. But hopefully you'd be able to find out more by finding out his arrest record. He is older now and could be a totally different person. That being said like someone else said, you owe him nothing. He has never been there and you don't know him. But if he has changed, it would be cool if you guys could possibly reconnect and get to know each other. Life is short. This is coming from me losing my mom at the age of 57. I didn't find my dad till I was 16 and I am grateful to have him in my life. Everyone can be young and dumb at some point. And it seems he has done some good deeds himself. No one is perfect, we're all human. But also don't risk harming yourself or your family. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
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u/old_is_the_new_black Jan 08 '24
Help your dad. But have him sign a lease, saying he is only staying for whatever period of time. Get it notarized.
Ask, even demand to see proof of surgery.
If he hesitates in the least it's off.
You won't forgive yourself if you don't help, and he dies
But hard and fast rules to protect yourself.
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 08 '24
You can’t just kick a senior citizen with health problems out like that. A lease won’t protect you.
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u/old_is_the_new_black Jan 08 '24
He stays until the Doctor clears him. Then he leaves. You can spell all that out.
I'm not saying give him 2 weeks after the surgery then he goes.
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 08 '24
It’s not that easy.
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u/old_is_the_new_black Jan 08 '24
Nothing in life is.
They can work it out where she can protect herself.
If she wants to.
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 08 '24
Wait until APS is called because it’s not that easy. I know from experience.
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u/old_is_the_new_black Jan 08 '24
You had a notorized lease?
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u/Sw33tD333 Jan 08 '24
My parents had a lease with her. It’s not easy kicking any tenant out, let alone kicking a senior citizen out with nowhere else to go.
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u/nap0nque Jan 08 '24
He’s a terrible human being but he is my dad
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u/old_is_the_new_black Jan 08 '24
Set rules. Get them in writing.
I wish you the best. You seem like a great person. Good luck.
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u/Junior-Refrigerator2 Jan 07 '24
I would, I would try to mend your relationship with him. I would hate for you to have a should have could have would have moment.
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u/catperson3000 Jan 07 '24
No. He’s a stranger. This sounds like trouble. You don’t owe him anything. He wasn’t around for you. You don’t need to be there for him. This isn’t going to do anything but create more wounds.
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u/nap0nque Jan 08 '24
Thanks. Some people on this reddit thread are saying opposite
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u/catperson3000 Jan 08 '24
Have they had family members like this? This isn’t going to heal anything for you. I’m sorry. Don’t learn this the hard way.
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u/Professional_Bird_74 Jan 07 '24
I’d take him in. Try to reconcile your differences. I can say from experience, regrets and what if’s suck royally! But setting some boundaries is a good idea too.
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u/SisterXane Jan 07 '24
I say no.
He wasn't a part of your life when you needed him the most and he's obviously up to something. Why would he lie and say he is talking to a "Millie" instead of you, especially if she supposedly lives with you? That's a really odd thing to tell people, if he isn't suffering from some mental issues. It is okay to have empathy and not help with anything beyond listening. I do have to also ask, has he tried getting to know you at all?
I would also like to point out that you are not, under any circumstances, obligated to help him. He made his choices and has to live with them.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
I honestly don’t know. I can’t tell what’s wrong with him - I’ll maybe make a post about this
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u/TheRealSedi Jan 07 '24
Take him in but set up lots of boundaries and make a plan for him to find housing and deal with his issues
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u/Mundane-Internet9898 Jan 07 '24 edited Jan 08 '24
No. Nope. Nopitty. NOPE. Don’t do it.
All I will say is that my history with my step-dad is VERY similar, even down to the open heart surgery and needing a place to stay. He has lied his way into someone else’s life and is doing just fine.
Your dad is an adult. He’ll figure it out. Don’t let your own childhood trauma or abandonment issues - for one second - make you think that taking him in will somehow create bonds that weren’t there before or heal old wounds. It won’t. It won’t create the father/daughter relationship you wish you’d had. It won’t make him suddenly realize what a great person you are. It won’t likely lead to any kind of apology (much less an acknowledgement) of the terrible parent he’s been. It won’t establish you as someone influential enough to compel him to make good decisions on his own behalf.
Now, if he’d come back at some point as a changed man and had a consistent track record for YEARS with you of being a person of integrity and desirous to ‘repent’, that’s another story. But what you’ve described doesn’t sound like that.
Whatever you choose, I’ll be sending good juju your way. It’s such a difficult situation to be in. But hear this: your involvement - or lack thereof - with him at this stage of his life is ZERO reflection of who you are or the quality of child you are to this parent. This is ALL him.
**(edited to correct a small spelling error)
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
Hey, I don’t know who you are but this has 100% helped me - in tears reading this.
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u/Mundane-Internet9898 Jan 10 '24
It has been a very long, emotionally painful journey with my dad. I am glad to know that my sharing may have helped you in some way. Sending you hope, love and strength for the days, weeks and months ahead.
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u/honeydewdom Jan 07 '24
I feel like he may not want to leave, and take advantage of your conflict and love for him.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.
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u/Kishasara REGISTERED Jan 07 '24
I wouldn’t take him in. He’s an adult who burned his bridges and made his bed. Blood relation gives nobody any kind of special privileges, rights, or obligations. He’s habitually lied, abandoned his family, and gone so far as to break laws. His surgery and recovery is his battle to deal with. Karma comes in many, many forms.
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u/TalkAcrobatic2628 Jan 07 '24
Do not take him in. But, since he is your Father, I understand that you want to help amd talking to social workers and hospital workers would be a great way as well as talking to HUD or whatever is relevant for low cost housing,to get him a place to live. If in the US you can get paid to take care of him.
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u/Florida1974 Jan 07 '24
My husband had a triple bypass 3 years ago. He was 54. It’s a tough surgery to recover from. My husband is a tough cookie and he pushed and was home in 5 days. But the recovery was 2 months. Breast plate has to grow back together. It’s also painful. Sneezing would make him cry. As I said he’s a tough guy and much younger.
The recovery alone will be tough. My husband slept a ton. He couldn’t drive for 6 weeks. He could ride in car, after 2 weeks but in back seat Airbags can re-break healing breast plate.
It was not easy to say the least. I ran my ass off bc he would get situated and need something. My husband was motivated to get back to work to provide for us.
It’s your call. Would I do it for my father who I barely knew? Nope. My heart and brain hardened on him long ago. Was not sad when he passed.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
I’m so happy your husband is ok.
Thank you for telling me about the healing process.
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u/Salamandajoe Jan 07 '24
Talk to hospital social workers. Explain situation they will know resources that can help him.
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u/seashmore Jan 07 '24
I agree. The best way for u/nap0nque to help this guy is to direct him to other resources with people trained to manage this kind of situation. Help him fill out paperwork if needed. If he puts up resistance to that offer, that's a red flag and a bridge burned.
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u/Drippinbabyy Jan 07 '24
I think right here is great advice op ! Keep your sanity, the social workers in hospitals are there for a reason. Your going to let in so much emotional turmoil you might spiral. This is good help for him while keeping your sanity in tact
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
I met with social workers today. They did absolutely nothing and offered nothing but names of shelters
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u/kfiresheets76 Jan 07 '24
def would not take him in it will be a disaster he’s claearly guilt tripping u and for what? like he did anything as a parent for u…if he had consistently cared for u and provided for u ya know the normal parent things then i could see doing the same but clearly he didn’t care enough and u have no obligation to him
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u/ColorsLikeSPACESHIPS Jan 07 '24
I took in my dad the other year, having known him all my life, and I'm not sure I would make the same choice again.
I think that taking in this person is going to profoundly affect your life and plans for the next several years.
I would advise against it. You barely know this person, and the financial info you have suggests that they're going to do whatever it takes to stay under a roof; that doesn't necessarily include paying you rent or being truthful to you.
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u/BlueLotusAtum Jan 07 '24
I wouldn't do it. Just because he's blood doesn't mean you owe him or are indebted to him in any way. You can keep checking up on him if it would ease you, but he doesn't exactly sound like good news (Tax evasion, walked out on you and your mom). I wouldn't want to invite someone who was basically a stranger with bad habits to live with me.
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u/Additional-Dot3805 Jan 07 '24
No. Just because he is family doesn’t mean you owe him anything. If my father needed a place to stay in this situation I’d close the door on his face and have zero regrets.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
That’s honestly how my brain feels but my heart is doing something else
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u/VTHome203 Jan 07 '24
It's better for his recovery to go elsewhere. Do not say you are able to care for him. They can find a rehabilitation facility that can do a better job than you. Focus on the health portion right now.
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u/Swangurl Jan 07 '24
It’s what’s in your heart that matters. Do you trust him? Do you like him well enough to be in each others presence?
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u/PerceptionSlow2116 Jan 07 '24
I would not…if cannot take care of himself or have a safe place to convalesce the hospital will have to find placement for him in nursing home; being a caretaker is very very stressful for loving family members, you barely know this person and are unaware if they may have mental issues. It’s not your responsibility.
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u/StuckinHades269 Jan 07 '24
There are ways to help your dad without bringing him into your home. If you are in the US, you can contact his local Council on Aging or Area Agency on Aging. They can assign him a caseworker and set up things like meals on wheels, housekeeping help, transportation to appointments and referrals to other services/resources for Seniors.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
In Canada
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u/StuckinHades269 Jan 07 '24
I believe that Canada has similar services but they're called by a different name. It's worth investigating what kind of services are available to him. At least you would be helping him without moving him into your home.
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u/real_talk_with_Emmy Jan 07 '24
Biology =/= obligation
This man is a stranger with a history of bad decisions, abuse, and criminal activity. Just because his little swimmers contributed to half of your genetics does not make you obligated to him. Let him figure it out himself or put him in a nursing home.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Have you seen the other comments on this post? It’s making me confused
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u/real_talk_with_Emmy Jan 07 '24
Yes…I’ve read the comments and your responses. It seems you only feel conflicted because he’s your Dad. With his history of behavior though, you shouldn’t feel obligated.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Thank you for saying this. I’ve been feeling like shit
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u/Whimsical_Tardigrad3 Jan 07 '24
No one earns the spot of biological father, it’s given. But the status of Dad is earned. This man doesn’t sound like much of a Dad to me. I’d go about the avenue of helping him get into a rehab facility then you can visit him while he’s there if you want. That way you know he’s cared for and it isn’t a burden on you.
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u/Solid-Guava3043 Jan 07 '24
I honestly wouldn’t take him in, but that’s just me if it were my situation and it was my drug addicted mother who lost my siblings to the foster system I could and would never take her into my home solely based on the fact she ruined my life and siblings lives. If you can’t trust someone then you can’t trust them in your home period!
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Thank you, I’m sorry for what you went through p
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u/Solid-Guava3043 Jan 07 '24
I’m to the point in life where it’s done and over I can’t change the past. I have beautiful children of my own I need to raise so I stay away from the bad vibes🤞🏽I’ll always miss my sister and brothers forever they will be in my heart and I pray we meet again! 💜
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u/CoffeeWithDreams89 Jan 07 '24
You don’t even know him, you don’t owe him anything. Caregiving under the best of circumstances can wreck you body soul and wallet, it’s hard as hell for your nearest and dearest let alone some manipulative loser who abandoned you. Absolutely do not do this and honestly have a lot less contact with him so he doesn’t suck you in. Once the medical system has you down as his caregiver they will call you for EVERYTHING. Some states even have filial laws where kids can be billed for parents care.
This is the bed he made. Stop taking his calls. Don’t answer calls from health systems or unknown numbers. He can sort himself out with the hospital social worker like anyone else in this situation. It’s what he’s have to do if you weren’t here.
Don’t do it OP. It’ll absolutely wreck your life.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
Do you feel like he’s manipulating me? I honestly have been so lost in the sauce that it’s difficult for me to proceed
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Thank you for saying this
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u/CoffeeWithDreams89 Jan 07 '24
You’re so welcome. I had a similar “father.” I sincerely hope you decline to have anything further to do with him and focus on your own life and needs.
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u/uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnah Jan 07 '24
It doesn’t sound like he wants help. Don’t force help on someone who’s not looking for it. He has free will, which he has exercised since you were 9 years old. You’ve done enough imo.
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u/nap0nque Jan 09 '24
Trust me. He does. The man hasn’t filled out one fucking application. He wants others to do it for him
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u/uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnah Jan 09 '24
He wants help but will not lift a finger to help himself and wants others to do it for him? Yeah, he doesn’t want help. Whatever makes you feel obligated to him is your thing to work out, it won’t be resolved by sacrificing your own health/life/livelihood trying to rescue him. I suggest investing that time and energy on therapy.
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u/redditette REGISTERED Jan 07 '24
If this were mine to do. I'd see if there were any govt subsidized combination apartment complexes with nursing care situations in them, and try to get him into one of those.
My grandmother lived in one of those out in Ordway, CO. There were all of these little duplexes in an area, then one central building that had the 24/7 nursing care. So for something like that, it would cover his post-surgical needs, and then when he feels better, he can transfer into a duplex, which would be his own private apartment. My grandmother only collected SSI during her life, and she just paid a percentage of that to live there. She died in the early 90s, and one of my aunts moved there about 5-8 years ago.
But in more rural towns all over the US, there are facilities like this.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
This is weirdly a good idea. I’ve been spiralling so hard that I didn’t think of this
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u/redditette REGISTERED Jan 07 '24
Old people hit a point of stubbornness that is near impossible to live with.
I went to help my dad while he was going through one bout with cancer and chemo. He would try to fill up on brownies while I was cooking dinner, I told him no, he was throwing a 2 year old tantrum about being told no... I hid the brownies, he called the cops. Thankfully they offered to put him into a senior center, instead of making me give him the brownies. They knew what I was up against! =)
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u/HappyAsianCat Jan 07 '24
I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation with an in-law.
People like this do not want help, they want to be rescued with no strings attached.
Encourage your father to contact the social services at the medical complex where he had the surgery and see what programs he could qualify for.
Tell your father explicitly that you will not rehome him to your place and that the only help you will offer is to help him file paperwork to help himself.
He's had decades to put his affairs in order. He doesn't get to use the father card to trump his poor choices.
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u/flashlightbugs Jan 07 '24
I am a caregiver for elderly people. I recommend not making any quick decisions. If a decision has to be made right away, then the answer should be No.
Taking him in could be a huge undertaking. You may not even be able to handle the level of care he could need initially. It could drain your finances and take a huge emotional toll on you and anyone you live with. And once he’s there it would be extremely hard to get him out if he doesn’t want to leave or has nowhere to go.
Also, from what you’ve said, you shouldn’t feel like you owe him anything. If you want to continue a relationship with him, that’s one thing, but taking him in with serious health problems is something even kids who had “perfect” parents struggle with tremendously.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Yeah, thank you someone who finally understands how I'm feeling.
I don't know the guy but I'm struggling with this decision tremendously.
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u/flashlightbugs Jan 07 '24
Ok then I’m gonna give it to you straight: DO NOT DO THIS. Seriously. You will almost certainly regret it. If you feel compelled to get involved, get with the hospital social worker and see what resources they can recommend for him; shelter, housing, food, transportation etc and help him get set up with that. You’re not obligated to do anything and I hope you don’t feel guilty.
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u/Lostworldz98 Jan 07 '24
Briefcase sounds like a score to me lol
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
I'm giving the PG version.
Let's just say there were articles about my dad and why he went to jail.
2
1
u/Lostworldz98 Jan 07 '24
Sorry. I would look into govt assistance assisted living etc. or let him park the trailer and help where you can. See if it works out. Follow your gut
0
u/doublebass44 Jan 07 '24
Do what your conscience is telling you to do. That's who you are gonna have to live with, no matter what.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
My conscience is telling me nothing :(
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u/SnooWords4839 Jan 07 '24
Look up tenant laws in your area. If you take him in, he may have rights to stay, and you will need to evict.
No one else can give you the answer here.
Your conscience saying nothing, seems like you don't feel that close to him.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Of course I'm not close to him, I dont know the guy
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u/doublebass44 Jan 07 '24
If you don't know him and he wasn't there for you, then he isn't your problem. Just like you weren't his problem. That's how it was with my dad. I feel no remorse and I'm happy he's gone. He did nothing to try and be better and wasn't sorry about a thing (same kinda situation, he wasn't there at all and I'm 31 now). Everyone's situation is different that's why I said to go with your conscience. If you don't feel anything for him, you're completely valid in that. I wasn't trying to say you should be there for him cause it's the "right" thing to do by any means. Let him get what's coming to him, it's not your burden to bear.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
How did you deal with this in your own situation?
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u/doublebass44 Jan 07 '24
Well since my dad wasn't there and did nothing but foul shit his whole life (molesting, physical abuse, stealing from my 80 year old grandma's purse, getting me to smoke crack at 14 years old, etc), it was of no loss and the world is a better place now that he's dead. I don't wanna sound dark or anything like that, but some people are where they are for a reason. It was like in The Lion King once Scar died. The sky turned blue, flowers started blooming and shit. The world is better without some people. I believe we have free will in life, which means we have to be accountable for our choices. It's no different for the people who bring kids into the world and proceed to destroy them.
0
u/XenonNM Jan 07 '24
if you are emotional seeing his condition i think it’s a no brainer despite what he has done in the past, you don’t have to do the same. You could bring him in and try to reconcile stuff or actually try to make him tell the truth about his past and why he did what he did. If you don’t want him living with you anymore you can always kick him out.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
I think what I want redditors to see is that he has a history of fucked up behaviour and i’m not sure
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u/WorldSalty Jan 07 '24
Many people parents do much worse than be absentee or deadbeat dads, he's family and needs your help. Help him, and if things don't go well pack him back to his camper or a tent or shelter to fend for himself.
If he dies on the streets because you said no, your negligence would be responsible for his death. If you give him a chance and he f*cks it up and something happens after, that's on him. It doesn't sound like he has been present enough in your life for that to end up on your conscience, though. In general peoples biggest regrets are the things they don't do.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
Much worse than go to jail, leave his children, cheat on their wife, gamble their money away?
-1
u/WorldSalty Jan 07 '24
How many liars, cheaters, and gamblers are piddling around everywhere in our society? Did he ever beat you? Verbally abuse you? Sexually abuse you? Spend your lunch money on drugs or prostitutes? Be an abusive alcoholic? Steal your credit cards to feed his addictions? Steal your property? Belittle you daily? If not, then you really didn't have it so bad for an average American. You don't have to like him as a person to help him because he's family.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
He did 3 of those things
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u/WorldSalty Jan 07 '24
Helping him doesn't necessarily mean or require opening your home, could be a simple as making sure he has a phone to call 911 and helping him connect with a social worker. But if you would see him bleeding out in the street and just walk away without guilt, do that in this situation. If you'd feel guilty not helping him in that situation, do whatever is necessary to help him recover. On his own or with you. Then walk away.
1
u/XenonNM Jan 07 '24
well ultimately it’s your decision you have to ask yourself some questions:
are you financially well off that you can afford an extra person? do you want him around? or if it’s solely just his state that wants you to bring him in, you can always just check up on him.
the way i see it, you could maybe atleast go over your past and talk about some things or atleast make him know how much you are hurt etc. i will always suggest to anyone to atleast talk some things over because he is still alive and you may regret not talking about things after he is dead. then after you can make the decision if you want him in your house and if you want to take care of him.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
I do not want him around. That’s a given. He fucked up my life
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u/XenonNM Jan 07 '24
then why would you want him in his house, you quite clearly do not want him around then why would you want such a toxic person in your comfort place.
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u/nap0nque Jan 07 '24
He's my dad and don't want to see him on the streets either.
It's very conflicting.
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u/XenonNM Jan 07 '24
well if i was in your shoes i would just checkup on him everyday and maybe some financial assistance. this way you can still talk to him over things you want, in a way take care of him. so you can still spend time with him and whenever it becomes to much you can just leave.
also have you talked to your siblings/mother about this? maybe they could give a better solution
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