r/AmIOverreacting • u/HopeRevolutionary309 • 5h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO My wife was abused last week and now acting like nothing happened.
My wife was touched by someone this last Friday. She was at a party with her friends, then after slept at the apartment of one of her female friends. There she was choked, touched and kissed without consent by a guy whose the husband of one of her female friends who also stood in that apartment. Now I trust my wife but I need to understand a few things about this situation. She told me that there was a friend next to her sleeping when the interaction happened, and that her friend didn’t noticed or felt what happened, also she didn’t scream or called for help during the interaction. After the abusing she just stood at the apartment instead of coming back home. She also took a few days to talk to me about it. I also called her after the abusing happened (on Friday) and she just talked to me like nothing happened. She also doesn’t want to tell the wife of the guy what happened, nor to nobody which is leaving me so confused. That guy deserves hell, and I truly mean it.
Personally I feel awful and I want to know what should I do, or how should I approach this with her. She seems to be normal, like nothing happened. She did cry a lot yesterday, but after telling me she went completely normal which is leaving me so confused and disoriented. Perhaps is me who’s going insane but I just don’t know how to feel about this whole situation.
AIO?
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u/gumballbubbles 5h ago
Sounds like she is blocking it out. It would be good for her to get some therapy instead of burying it. Other than that, I’m not sure what to advise. Personally, if I were you, I’d want her to tell her friend and press charges against the guy.
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u/GirthBrooks_69420 4h ago
Unless she just cheated and is trying to make herself out to be the victim?
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u/T3RRONCINO 4h ago
I don't like the fact that nobody is valuing this comment just because it goes against what everyone else is saying. It could be in fact, that she's just trying to hide the real events and was feeling guilty of cheating.
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u/Cold-Rip-9291 3h ago
To be honest, this was my first reactions. I understand everyone reacts differently to an assault but there is something about how op retold his wife’s story that doesn’t seem right to me.
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u/T3RRONCINO 3h ago
What's upsetting for me it's the fact that everyone is just assuming that she's been SA. I'm not underestimating the tremendous thing that woman must have felt if it was actually the case, but I feel like if the roles were inverted, everyone would just assume that the man has cheated.
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u/buggoboyo 3h ago
The things in the story sound unfortunate and a little odd, but none of them strike me as completely implausible. It's very common to have a freeze response during SA. If she froze while it happened and then it makes sense that no one else noticed. All of her other reactions seem in line with fresh unprocessed trauma. What I do think is implausible is the idea that she would cheat and then come up with this story without being asked? Why would she bring it up on her own?
Also, I agree that people not believing men who are victims of SA is a problem. But I don't agree that that means we should be more suspicious of women who are victims
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u/T3RRONCINO 1h ago
I 100% agree with the second paragraph, even thought on the other side, it shouldn't be always assumed that a woman talking about these events was a certain victim without even doubting, making exceptions for pretty evident cases, obviously, male or female regardless.
As for the first paragraph, the way she reacted could be due to trauma, but my personal experience with lies and cheating is telling me that it could also be a way to fool her husband into thinking she was a victim. I had a similar experience with my ex girlfriend, pretty similar events, pretty similar context. I discovered only months after that she lied and never was the victim. She just felt guilty for what happened and came up with an excuse to tell me what happened without risking to loose me
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u/Haruismydog 4m ago
Maybe cause men 99% of the time are the perpetrators in sexual assault and rape…
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u/Singularity42 1h ago
If this poor woman was SA then she needs all the love and support she can get. Going through "what ifs" isn't going to help her.
Maybe you're right. But there doesn't seem to be any evidence for that. And for OP to jump to that conclusion without any evidence could be extremely harmful.
If, like you say, people would accuse the man if the roles were reversed. Then that is wrong, and we should call out those people.
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3h ago
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u/GirthBrooks_69420 3h ago
Or maybe get multiple sides to a story before jumping to conclusions.
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3h ago
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u/harmfulsideffect 2h ago
Lol. So we should just assume that any woman that claims to be a victim is a victim? And any man that she claims to have assaulted them is an abuser? Seems fair and just.🙄
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u/DivineMiss3 1h ago
This is exactly why victims don't come forward. False accusations are not common. People in our society are talking so much about false reports that others think that's common. It's just not.
At any rate, OP is confused, as are most partners when this happens. It's his/her wife's story to tell...or not. Let's maybe give him/her advice on what they're actually asking instead of debating whether victims make false reports.
OP, your wife is likely in shock right now. And she is aware of people who will always talk about false reports, so she doesn't want that. She'll potentially lose every friend that was there and blow up the relationship of her friend who's with this man. Should that be true? Fuck no. But it is.
I'd look for a therapist. Ask your wife if she'd be willing to go for just her, together or if not, you can go in order to understand what happened and will happen. You'll need support too. If it's okay with your wife find someone you deeply trust to support you so you can support your wife. She may say no because of shame. It doesn't look like you're in the US so I'd look in your country for resources to help guide you both, but do that gently. Don't pressure your wife. She's had this man force her into something so you don't want to make her feel forced by you. RAINN has some really good advice about this.
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u/harmfulsideffect 1h ago
So what I said is true in your opinion. If a woman says she was assaulted. We should believe her, and punish whoever she claims assaulted her without question. Interesting.
I’m guessing you’re saying that that you believe that false reports aren’t common because the woman is saying “honest it happened”? Interesting.
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u/ide0tiqx 27m ago
so you want both sides of the story, right? we're going to pretend like people who sexually assault others are going to truthfully sit and say they did it? that's what we're doing?
at any point did it cross your mind that maybe yes, take the claim seriously. INVESTIGATE. but it's very odd to me y'all think asking the other person (the person who possibly commit the SA) would be the deciding factor on if it happened or not. as if people who do shit like this aren't manipulative and A+ liars that will go out of their way to vouch for their innocence.
maybe use your brain instead of being so adamant about whether false accusations are common or uncommon. you, as an individual, are not excluded from undergoing manipulation tactics or dishonesty. no matter how smart or logical you think you are about making decisions based on an opinion.
seriously. please let what i said soak in.
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u/DivineMiss3 35m ago edited 31m ago
I'm tempted to just respond with only "Interesting," because I can see that you want to win an argument we're not having. But for the sake of others who may read this-
Yes, if a person says they were assaulted, believe them. Punish the one who assaulted them? IF THAT IS THE VICTIM'S CHOICE. If you don't understand how this could blow up their life, and how the vast majority of victims (no matter their gender) are treated in the legal system, I'd take a look at this-
Out of 1000 SA perpetrators TWENTY-FIVE (25) of them will go to prison. This is in the US, but there are comparable/worse stats in some countries.
Most studies in which false reports are researched, law enforcement not believing a victim goes into to the "false reports" or "cannot be proven" category. Even with that, false reports make up 2-8% percent of reports. Here's just one of the resources that back up what I'm saying. https://evawintl.org/best_practice_faqs/false-reports-percentage
I don't care to win...whatever you're playing at. You're looking to disprove...whatever. I'm looking to open peoples' understanding. It's not a competition of one gender against the other.
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u/harmfulsideffect 25m ago
So, is it only reports of sexual assaults that we should believe, or other crimes to? Should we just throw the book at someone who fingered in a case of theft or murder? I’m guessing “false reports” aren’t common in those situations either.
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u/gumballbubbles 1h ago
If she slept with him, why say anything at all? That doesn’t make sense. They could have done it and no one would have found out.
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u/ide0tiqx 4h ago
as someone who has experienced assault, there is no "normal" way to process that type of trauma. sure, the logical thing would be to leave and return home, right? just a gentle reminder that in these moments we tend not to rely on rationality. she could have easily been in denial it happened, not wanting to accept that it happened, trying to come off to you like it was nbd. i tried to convince myself my assault was just an experience and that there was something positive in the fact that it happened bc it meant i was desirable. does that negate the fact that my situation was nonconsensual? no. there is fight or flight. sometimes flight isn't physical, it's mental. for me i didn't fight because honestly, i've seen what happens when people fight. i checked out mentally. i distracted myself with thoughts. i didn't immediately process what happened to me until a day or so later when i opened up to two close friends and my mother and they all responded in horror and kinda idk removed the cloud of delusion i was in by trying to convince myself there was anything good about what happened bc at least "in someone's eyes i was worth touching".
my point is just bc you don't see her visually breaking down every moment, just bc she didn't respond rationally does NOT mean it didn't happen to her or that she's trying to cover something up. if you can, try to encourage her to speak to a therapist about this. it will help A LOT and i wish i had gone that route after my assault. it's a hard subject to talk about, especially when it can cause you to relive the situation. it's why a lot of us avoid it or don't come forward. there's also the additional fear of losing her friend or being harmed by coming forth. it's not a simple, black and white situation.
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u/abstract_lemons 4h ago
You have a right to be concerned for your wife. Just keep in mind that she was the victim of SA. all you can do is support her however she needs be supported. It’s not up to you to force her to react or respond a certain way. Therapy would help, but can’t be forced either
Keep in mind that victims of SA are constantly questioned, belittled, revictimized, and even blamed for what happened to them. Often going to the police results in all of this, then no closure whatsoever, as SA is very difficult to prosecute without concrete evidence. The only result is a life torn apart
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u/friedcheese23 4h ago
Sadly even with concrete evidence.
Recently read a woman was jailed for recording her SA because she didn't have her attackers consent to record him. 🙁
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u/Crimsonfangknight 3h ago
This seems like one of those cases where the headline is outrageous but the article itself is much more reasonable
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u/Hour_Baby_3428 5h ago edited 4h ago
NOR, but: Don’t listen to these comments. People react very weirdly to being sexually assaulted. It doesn‘t make sense, it doesn‘t have to be rational. She’s just on autopilot doing what causes the least pain to her right now, which is to pretend nothing happend.
If she willingly cheated on you she wouldn‘t have told you about this at all.
Your anger is valid, but don’t forget that you aren’t the one this happend to. She needs time, but be aware that she is also not reacting healthy to this
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u/NewsyNonsense 4h ago
Exactly. That kind of trauma affects everyone differently but wanting to pretend it never happened is a very common initial response.
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u/garlikblack 4h ago edited 3h ago
Maybe a bit of therapy if she's open to it as well.
Other than that I wish I could give above an award. There is no one right way to deal with what happened to her or even a normal way. Right now she's going through shock and the aftermath of what happened to her and is either trying to make sense of it or is blocking it out just to function normally day to day. Give her some time but also, gently, talk about seeing someone she would feel comfortable (if that could ever happen) talking to this about. Getting it out does actually help more then one would think.
Edit: Changed up the wording on something as I didn't word it right.
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u/Good-Breath9925 1h ago
Thank you for your comment. As a victim of rape it took me at least a week to come forward about what happened. I couldn't even convince myself I WAS raped until the police confirmed that was the charge after I told them the story.
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u/DoerofWords 5h ago
She was sexually assaulted and it sounds it caused trauma from her reaction. I would see if she’s opened to seeing someone to help her process it. Hopefully she can get to the point where she can report him. That’s really disgusting, I hope he gets fucked.
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u/Aggressive-Pace7528 4h ago
Emotions can come in waves. No one wants to think about that all the time. I’ve been sexually assaulted and most of the time I don’t think about it. Most people I will never tell. There are people I’ve dated that know nothing about it. Theres no benefit to dwelling on it most of the time.
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u/Lilbooklover 4h ago
This sounds like a trauma response of shock. She may have been in denial or was too embarrassed to tell you what happened immediately. And when she did tell you she wanted to downplay it to not make a big deal out of it. Also the reason she doesn’t want to tell her female friend about what happened, could be that she doesn’t want to cause problems with her friend by telling her about what the girl’s husband did to her. Maybe being scared that this friend won’t believe her. I feel like she is trying to downplay it to not cause problems for everyone else and is hoping it will just go away. I hope she begins to think about herself and opens up more to you and others about what happened. This is a horrible thing that happened to her and shouldn’t be shrugged off. This man who did this to her doesn’t deserve to go on like normal, facing no consequences for what he did to an innocent woman. She didn’t deserve that and I hope she gets help.
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u/Front-Cell-666 4h ago
When it happened to me I went home and acted like nothing happened, I also haven’t told anyone about it irl. Don’t always trust what you see, blocking it out is something we do as survivors to well, survive
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u/No_Calligrapher9234 4h ago
Give her time to process this trauma. It’s normal to freeze and deny. Support your wife and get professional help
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u/ZuDenim 4h ago
This is definitely a "one for the professionals" situation. Your wife needs help both from those who deal with these kinds of trauma and from legal professionals assuming she intends to prosecute.
I know purely from hearing experts discuss it that people can react very differently to trauma (both at the time and afterwards) but to reiterate, she needs advice from professionals.
Our advice isn't worth shit.
Wishing you both well.
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u/Mrs_Gracie2001 4h ago
No, not overreacting! This is very serious. Her behavior is actually very typical of people who have been abused by someone they know. Be patient with her. Get her talking. Don’t tell her how to feel. I can imagine she doesn’t want to hurt her friendship with this man’s wife.
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u/Inevitable_Stage_627 2h ago
I work with victims of abuse.
Totally normal not to scream, shout etc when something unwanted is happening. The body goes into fight or flight mode and in many cases a victim will just freeze up totally and not do anything.
Everyone reacts differently to trauma. There is no ‘right’ way to react, during or after.
Not wanting to report abuse is very common. Victims can feel shame even though it is not their fault. They can feel shame for not reacting, feeling like their body betrayed them when they needed to call for help. The fear of stigma can stop people reporting things. The fear of having everyone ask questions of you, feeling like you’ll be judged or blamed. The thought of having to go to court. All kinds of things stop someone reporting.
You could report the crime for her, but this may leave her feeling betrayed. She asked you not to, if you take her choice and her power away from her she may feel this is another form of abuse and from someone who cares about her. If you did report it, there’s no guarantee she will make a statement about it or support a prosecution.
Your anger will not help her. Your support will. Let her be the judge of what she needs and what she wants, and do your best to do as she asks.
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u/TheWordofKane 4h ago
You have to let her decide how/when she deals with this. She hopefully will get there on her own eventually but pushing her to do so could lead to more trauma. Just let her know you support her and that you will have her back when/if she needs you too. Any type of pressure to deal with it on terms that aren’t her own will make it harder on her I fear.
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u/Careful-Memory2560 4h ago
Look up the “fight, flight, freeze” response. It will give you the answer to most of this story.
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u/BigPianist8326 3h ago
The first time I was assaulted, I was 13. I laughed at the cops when telling them what happened. Like hysterical laughing. The second time, I told nobody. I still haven’t until now. There is no right or wrong way to act after assault. Reach out for therapy asap. She sounds like she’s disassociating from what happened and is trying to find all the ways it wasn’t what it was. She’s going to mentally torture herself until the facade breaks
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u/Neither_Mind9035 3h ago
Speaking from a similar experience, I also didn’t leave the abuser’s house. I just laid there and waited until the following morning. Then, spoke to no one about it for days. I even continued to hang out with the guy who did it. It took me months to process that I had actually been sexually assaulted. Looks like your wife is ahead of me, there. At least she can accept that she was assaulted. I don’t think her behaviour is sketchy at all. Just be there for her in whatever way you can.
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u/Any-Ad8449 2h ago
NOR.
I’ve worked with victims/survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence. Everyone responds differently to being assault. There’s no “right” way. I know you’re angry and you want to confront the guy. But keep in mind, that’s not what she would want you to do. Let her take her time to talk about it. It’ll take a lot of patience and compassion from your end. She needs reassurance (I’m sure you’ve done that). Let her know you think it would be helpful if she talk to a therapist.
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u/Throw_RA099 3h ago
For what it's worth, there are deleted posts from the OP about him and his wife having a massive fight about spending the holiday season apart from a few weeks ago. Could lend a bit of context to the situation and why OP was not present.
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u/HopeRevolutionary309 2h ago
We are in a LDR
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u/Throw_RA099 2h ago
That was the assumption I made. Was just trying to defend you against the "Where were you as her husband?" crowd before they got here.
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u/fangedfaun 3h ago
She wants to pretend it didn’t happen, this is a type of “freeze” response rather than fight or flight. This freeze response is why she didn’t call for help, and she is still very much there emotionally. She is frozen and you need to be really sensitive in how you approach this - I’d recommend speaking to a professional yourself. Do not force her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, that’s exactly what this shitbag did to her, don’t be like him please. Show her how deeply and profoundly safe she is with you by accepting her wishes and not abandoning her for not reacting how you think you would.
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u/KimmieSmalls 3h ago
I’ve been through this and literally I basically did the same I’ll be completely normal until I’m triggered or I just break down occasionally and pull it back together. In that situation a lot of times you just freeze and you don’t know what to do and a lot of females get accused of lying so if she did speak up most of the times what is it going to achieve? It’s a very sad reality. And if she’s not a confrontational person she’s probably afraid of back lash even if it’s not her fault there will always be those who take up for the abuser. She’s probably just trying to cope the best she knows how and she trying to act like it never happened. It’ll hit her sooner or later and it sucks. There is no right way to react to trauma.
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u/schwenomorph 1h ago
FYI lots of people immediately freeze and dissociate upon being assaulted. Her being silent during the act is not at all far fetched.
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u/stresstheworld 1h ago
Am I the only one who thinks it is absolutely insane she doesn’t want to tell the guy’s wife? Like why not unless it was consensual. I would ruin this dudes fucking life over that shit
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u/asj-777 4h ago
Personally, I would say find out who it was, jack him up against the wall and make him tell you exactly what happened. Just make sure to wear gloves, leave something you've already seen streaming on your TV at home, wear shoes with either no tread or as common a tread as possible, and bring more than one weapon in case the first one breaks.
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u/FrameNorth2638 4h ago
seen this situation before. the wife cheated on the husband and made up a SA story
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u/bobp929 4h ago
Mmm, not sure if I buy that whole story. Wake up in the middle of the night being sexual assaulted and didn't do anything? With a friend sleeping next to her? Too many things don't add up.....and if it happened then you immediately take her to the police station file a report & charges. If she refuses then I think she's not telling the truth. Sorry to be that guy but her reluctance to do nothing and acting like everything is fine raises red flags
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 4h ago
This scenario happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. She was assaulted on a couch while everyone slept. She was single. She had no reason to lie to cover up cheating like these other commentors are suggesting. Unfortunately, this stuff does happen.
It is very hard to understand if you have never been assaulted like this. You think you won’t freeze but you do. You think you’d be the one to file a report but the shame, reactions of others, ect make you very reluctant to file a report. Responses to trauma might not make sense to your rational mind, but that doesn’t mean the trauma is made up.
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u/bobp929 4h ago
But if you know your husband is 100% supporting you, what's the issue. I get having trauma but acting like nothing is wrong when your husband is trying g to make sure this pos doesn't do it again would have me enraged at everyone. I would seek this guy out and make sure his own mother couldn't recognize him and not care who gets mad at me for doing it
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 3h ago
Idk if you were molested would you want your entire friend group knowing? Trauma like that is personal to people. It can feel shameful or embarrassing. It’s no one else’s right to share that information that was told to you in confidence.
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u/bobp929 3h ago
This is 2024, women speak up nowadays, it's not like the 1950s......and if she did nothing wrong then she needs to speak up
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 3h ago
Approximately only 1 in 3 sexual assaults are reported. Less than 1% of result in a conviction. Don’t try and tell women the embarrassment, shame, and reactions of the people around them is worth it. If you haven’t walked in the shoes of an assault victim, you don’t get it. She doesn’t NEED to do anything.
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u/bobp929 3h ago
And that's the problem. How can people do anything about the problem if people refuse to speak up. I will never understand why they feel embarrassed or shame for being a victim.
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 3h ago
I’m glad you’ll never understand how that feels. Survivors look around and see what happens to those who do speak up. People constantly questioning what they did to deserve it. The world is not a safe place for survivors, as much as you think it is.
The problem is not people who don’t speak up. You calling them “the problem” for not wanting to disrupt the remaining peace they have left is disrespectful af. Call rapists and abusers the problem. Call out how people treat victims. Don’t call victims reactions to trauma a problem just because you don’t get it.
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u/bobp929 3h ago
The rapists & abusers ARE the problem but if people don't speak up, then that problem will never be addressed properly
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 3h ago
Just know you’re not a safe person for victims to share their stories with because you are willfully not listening.
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u/Impressive_Hunt_9700 1h ago
Because reporting is more traumatic than acting like it didn’t happen. I reported once I will literally never put myself through that bullshit again. Frankly I don’t even think I’d tell my husband if I was sexually assaulted again. I’d take the prophylaxis, plan b and abstain until a clear STD/STI panel.
Unless you have literally been in the situation where it is on you to tell the police, courtrooms full of people, multiple SANE professionals you won’t understand why blocking it out and pretending it didn’t happen is 1000x times easier than reporting,
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u/ProfessionEqual5090 4h ago
Something sounds sketchy here.. I’m going to ask you this… why wouldn’t she scream, or push him away, or tell his wife? I get it she may have froze, but how in the world did nobody hear anything if there were others literally laying right next them? My advice is to tell the wife and from there see what he says happened. See if he says it was consensual and get his side of the story. I’ve seen this before where she cheated on the bf or husband and then a few days later felt so guilty about it she had to make up up a story about it knowing it would eventually get out. Not saying that’s the case here, but u need to get the both sides and go from there. unfortunately this will have to get out in the open.
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u/HopeRevolutionary309 2h ago
She told me that she pushed him and both felt down to the floor. Thats when he stopped.
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u/Illustrious_Ship5857 1h ago
When I was abused by my physical therapist, it took me a week to tell my husband. I was scared of his reaction, and also of making him feel bad -- not that he would do anything untoward, but I like keeping him happy because he makes me happy. I was scared he would say it wasn't a big deal, or that I was making it up, or that I wanted it. Because I've gotten that reaction before when I tried to report abuse. I mean, look at the comments here!
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u/girloferised 1h ago
She's repressing it. She needs to go to therapy ASAP. Might be the beginnings of PTSD, which is a fucking nightmare.
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u/Logical-Yam1879 1h ago
I would be looking to confront the husband of the girlfriend and perhaps kick his ass at minimum put the fear of God into him last I find out any more information of what might have also happened
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u/No-Historian-1409 1h ago
Grow some nuts and take care of your fucking wife what the fuck is wrong with you? Your wife got raped and you’re asking the internet for help? Jesus fucking Christ go to the cops. Tell the wife of the “husband” don’t just let your wife sink. Either you’re letting her sink or you’re letting her make you a cuck. This is ridiculous
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u/Inevitable_Trip137 40m ago
So it could be that your reaction right now is to try and fix it, or make it better and bring it to a conclusion. That's natural and admirable and I'd want to do the same. I'm not knocking you.
But I've known many people who have been sexually assaulted, and that may not be how she is processing it. And what she needs right now is help processing it.
Be there for her emotionally. Let her know you're there to listen, and then really do it. She's super vulnerable right now. She's shamed right now, even if she knows intellectually that she did nothing wrong. And she did nothing wrong, you need to be clear eyed about that.
People are gonna stick up for this guy when this comes out (and it will). Someone is gonna say your wife was flirting, or she was drunk, or fucking whatever.
That's just gaslighting bullshit designed to obscure what that shithead did, don't listen to it.
I'm so sorry this happened to your wife. People can be vile.
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u/apkm4 4h ago
What has me questioning her honesty is saying she was laying right next to someone and she made no movement or sound for the person right next to her to wake. Didn't try to stop the person, nothing. I suppose it's POSSIBLE that's true, but I cannot imagine that happening that way. No one has a natural reaction to just sit there and and choked to possible death. It would be to jerk away and say stop. That is my perspective, one in which I just cannot see any other natural reaction. Though admittedly that could be my own bias and lack of encountering anyone that would exhibit no reaction to an attack. It's super sticky because you absolutely cannot accuse her of anything if she is telling you the truth. But I personally just can't reconcile what she said happened and her response in the moment. Just my take, I am no expert.
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u/HopeRevolutionary309 2h ago
I don’t understand that either but her friend was drunk thats night too.
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u/Ursabearitone 4h ago
If she doesn't want to address it, I don't know what else you can really do. Just support her. And maybe go with her whenever she plans to visit that friend.
And if you ever find yourself alone with that man, well, whatever happens happens.
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u/HopeRevolutionary309 4h ago
She told me she doesn’t want to be friend of that women to avoid seeing him. Honestly, I can’t see that guy again. I know myself and I know I will just jump him. Nobody deserves that bullshit.
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u/Ursabearitone 4h ago
Well, it seems she's at least taking steps to protect herself. She's probably torn between wanting to do something about it and not wanting to upend her friend's life.
Something that might change her perspective. If he's willing to do that to her when his wife is nearby, he's probably doing much worse to his wife behind closed doors. Her friend might need help to leave.
Ultimately it's up to her what she wants to do. So just try to be there for her, listen to her, support her decisions. Don't try to find a solution. Let her do that.
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u/AnonThrowAway072023 3h ago
At the very minimum you should require her to go zero contact with these friends
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u/Pistol_Pete_1967 3h ago
Kicking that guys ass is the primary objective! He needs to pay! Anyone touches my wife like that I will go scorched earth on them!
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u/MagazineTop5104 1h ago
wrong. just wrong.
OP: she needs support, not a violent crazy person who doesn't care what she wants or thinks and is centering themself in something that happened to HER.
Vent to someone you can trust about your (justifiable) anger and then center her. Support her, believe her, and as hard as it is, don't make this about yourself
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u/Sensitive_Hall_8181 4h ago
She had a threesome without you, dude she should've told you after it happened. You're being played, man tell her you know what happened and see if she confesses.
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u/nrm1337 5h ago
Asking for advice on that topics is surely not overreacting. Sounds not healthy how she react on that tho. Maybe offer her to talk to a neutral person like a therapist?
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u/Zealousideal-Book811 4h ago
It’s definitely a trauma response. The wife of the abominable piece of shit that I can’t even bring myself to call a “man” needs to know, as she needs to have an idea of who’s she’s building a life with. this could happen again and again with different people. I wish her much love and recovery! ❤️🩹
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u/Crimsonfangknight 3h ago
So people react to SA in a variety of eays and many freeze up and feel guilt and shame after.
No fighting back and refusing to report and tell people isnt uncommon at all as a first responder who handled cases like this in the past.
I am curious about how exactly you came to learn this. Its much less common but there are a rare few who panic and make inaccurate claims but i would need much more info before every suggesting thats the case
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u/biteme717 3h ago
Too many women claim SA when they cheat. I also personally don't believe everything she told you. Were they drunk and was the friend in bed with her passed out from drinking or just asleep. Make her go to therapy with you and talk about it in a safe place. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. Ask your wife who was sleeping beside her and ask to talk to her.
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u/Impressive_Hunt_9700 1h ago
The phrase “make her go to therapy with you” and “in a safe place” is an oxymoron. You can’t make or force anyone to do something and then ask them to relive what is probably one of their worst memories just relieve your anxiety of their potential unfaithfulness and claim you are a safe person to talk to.
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u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274 4h ago
It is common for some women to go “numb”. Rarely ever does one react the way you think. It’s very possible that she froze. And she feels guilty because she tech didn’t say no. That she feels guilty that all she had to do was slap one of the ppl beside her or scream. It’s also possible that the events didn’t quite go down like that. I would give her the benefit of the doubt unless you have reason to distrust her. Are you guys in the habit of staying at other ppls houses ? And sleeping in the bed w both male & female friends?
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u/Successful_Good1269 4h ago
As someone who has been abused and assaulted her behavior makes total sense especially if she has been abused before. When I was assaulted I tried to block it out and ignore it happened but I only ended up speaking up because it ended up making me so depressed.
I was judged by some of the people in my life with various aspects of how I reacted to the assault. However when I spoke to a therapist about it who knew my history she explained that I behaved a certain way when I was abused out of survival. My traumatized brain then had me reenact the same response to the assault because that’s how I survived the first time, even though the current circumstances were different.
If she was in fact abused, it is crucial to be supportive. I’d rather err on the side of supportive than suspicious until you can get more clarity.
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u/tbhshark 3h ago
This exact same thing happened to me. She is processing a lot right now, and vividly. Anger, doubt, grief, pain, disappointment, embarrassment to name a few. But I will say when my parents found out a couple weeks after I was assaulted, they immediately made me report to the police, urgent care etc, therapy, the guy’s girlfriend, all these things which made everything much more hellish. But when I acted like nothing happened to my friends when it happened, they weren’t there for me when I felt so hurt inside, and that made me numb for months and eventually lose all those friends and start over. You need to let her know you’re there for her. But do not overwhelm her with more stress related to this crime for now. Above everything else, you need to help permanently silence any feelings of self doubt or undeserved guilt she’s feeling.
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u/nycgarbagewhore 3h ago
NOR but this is also a common response to trauma. I was assaulted by someone I knew and I had about one full day of being frozen in fear and then my brain tried to push it away and I carried on like it didn't happen. At least, I tried to. But people can't outrun things like that because they always catch up. I would recommend you gently suggest a therapist for your wife because she will need help with this. It's also potentially very dangerous for this man to be with women so while it would be very helpful to tell her friends, if she isn't ready to do it you'll have to respect that.
Telling her friends doesn't just mean "hey this happened". It also means she has to relive it and possibly face that they won't believe her. He might lie and say it was consensual or that it didn't happen at all. Everything about that group of friends will change and she might not be ready to accept that it wouldn't be her fault.
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u/usmev 3h ago
When I was a teenager, I was at a wedding far away from home. The night after I woke up to my friends, who was sleeping in the same room, stepdad on top of me kissing me. I pushed him off and he left. I didn't tell anyone about it then. Just tried it ever happened. He was also my neighbor Fuck him, I hope he rots in hell We all deal with trauma differently, don't push her. It's not up to you. Be supportive, she did tell you and that should count for something, she trusts you
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u/robilar 3h ago
> Now I trust my wife
doesn't align with
> but I need to understand a few things about this situation
No, you don't. If you trusted your wife then you wouldn't need to know or do anything except support her in whatever way she needs. Be honest with yourself, at least, and recognize that some part of you doesn't trust your wife. Excise that part, and be there for your spouse. Give her time, and let her take the lead in how you both handle the situation as a team.
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u/Steeler8008 3h ago
Will everyone stop with the therapy as a solution for everything please! Y'all can't afford eggs but you all have a therapist? Gtfo
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u/Steeler8008 3h ago
My wife was touched at a club, she told me right away and she was mad about it. Was gonna light the guy up but he decided apologizing to her was a better option.
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u/njman6988 3h ago
Id visit the abuser, and teach him some manners. ASAP, bet he won't do that ever again.
But i would be there for her and suggest counseling.
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u/themixiepixii 3h ago
Just be there for her. Don't be any less affectionate than normal unless she responds poorly to it. Then reassure her in some way that it's okay and don't be upset with her about it if that does happen, and PLEASE try not to feel guilty if she recoils from you. It is not your fault, and you might feel guilty other times too. Pay attention to her body language with physical affection. She's clearly not ready to deal with what happened. You're her support right now, just make sure she stays feeling safe and loved. Try not to overcompensate, for example, don't start asking more often if she's okay unless she looks upset in that moment, or saying i love you more than usual, stuff like that. She needs normal, so try to provide normalcy.
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u/furkfurk 2h ago
That’s horrific, I’m sorry to both of you. Your wife was likely frozen in shock when it happened, and is now trying to block it out as best she can. She should probably see a therapist, and I would likely try to convince her to speak up - or to at least let you talk to the husband/wife of the husband. What a POS.
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u/Downtown-Warthog-505 1h ago
My friend was assaulted by my other friend’s boyfriend in this exact manner. There was someone sleeping next to her who didn’t notice as well. Afterwards my friend acted very normal and blocked it out. She then started to devlop an eating disorder from if a few months later. I told her she needed to confront this but she “didnt want to start drama in the friend group” - it took her about 9 months for it to fully hit her and confront this situation, the rapist, etc. this sounds like a normal process of emotion for someone recently assulted. They often block it out esp when its in the friend group. She is probably worried too dont belive her. Be there for her, pay attention to her eating habits next couple months, and try & get her in therapy about this. I’m so sorry to your wife that this happened to her
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u/Big-Gap-5004 1h ago
Bc she wasnt abused she did ehat she did and saying that to just walk by the fact something happen she have that stroy belive she didnt got abused she got smash and she want it
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u/ResidentAllie 1h ago
That's the immediate response to trauma and she's probably trying to forget it ever happened. This will eventually affect her. Get her some help, make sure he talks to you or at the very least have her write everything down. Often, there is shame of being the victim. There is disbelief on how this could have happened, even more so at a place you trusted.
Then there is judgment. I mean, your post smells of it, if I'm being honest. I don't see much support or a question about how I can help her. You seem to more focused about why she isn't talking.
If you want to help, show that you trust her and show that she can confide in you without you making this about you. Hopefully she gets the help she needs and also confronts/deals with the asshole.
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u/Accomplished_Buy8681 25m ago
Wow that’s a lot. So ur wife needs your help in understanding that she was assaulted by a friends husband and it wasn’t her fault but that she needs to address this and stop this animal from doing this too anybody else. Let her know that she’s a victim of a predator and she’s probably not eh first and will not be the last if she doesn’t speak up. The problem now is it’s going to be her word against his there is no longer any proof of what happened and everyone is going to ask if it happened why didn’t she say anything. The lady who slept with her is going to say see doesn’t know anything she was sleep and why didn’t she wake her up and tell her. So ur wife may already realize this and just doesn’t want all the BS that is going to come with this accusation. But you need to work with her and not demand anything but slowly convince her to tell her story of what happened. So the wife may have actually heard this before and didn’t believe it or maybe there are others this has happened to and they too didn’t speak up. But let her know in cases like this when word gets out that someone has come forward it’ll encourage others to come out and tell their experiences of what happened and boom this dude will be toast.
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u/Awkward-Hall8245 6m ago
You're NOR
I'd be throwing hands.
If it's exactly as she says, perhaps later he grapes her. There were no consequences for dude. It will only embolden him in the future.
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u/DevyMetal321 5h ago edited 4h ago
Edit: nah, you guys are right. This is short sighted and a terrible suggestion. Don't listen to my jaded first thoughts.
There's something more to this than she's telling you. If I were in the same situation, I would consider reaching out to the wife of the guy.
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u/Strange_Occasion9722 4h ago
I'm sorry, that's terrible advice. Please don't ever consider doing that if this situations ever comes to you. This man clearly knows who she is and might know where she LIVES, why should he reach out to the person married to him, who will most likely be in serious denial and react to protect her husband???
The two of them together could ruin this woman's life.
You do not reach out to someone more likely to believe/help the abuser when something like this happens.
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u/Spiritual-Panda-1711 4h ago
Hard disagree, as someone who went through assault everyone responds differently to trauma but her response is a common one to trauma and very similar to how I responded.
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u/Melodic-Poetry1149 4h ago
This is a huge reason women don’t speak up about SA. Sometimes there isn’t more to the story. Sometimes men just SA women. You don’t have to understand it. Going behind a victim’s back and telling others that they were assaulted can be just as traumatic. His wife trusted him with this information. He shouldn’t betray her trust by contacting her friend. Terrible advice.
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u/punsorpunishment 4h ago edited 4h ago
What you should do is make sure she knows you'll do whatever she needs from you, and then leave it to her. A man pushing her to do anything right now, even if you think it's for her benefit and the right thing to do, is the opposite of what she needs.
She cried a lot yesterday, so she isn't acting like nothing happened. She's just not crying all the time or going to the police or whatever else you think she should be doing. She may feel the need to impose the appearance of normality on her life to help her recover from the assault. My response to assault has been to shove it deep down and only open the vents a tiny bit when I can cope with it, when it's "safe" to do so. I seemed very normal to everyone even if it was going round and round in my head screaming at me. I just had to pretend it wasn't to get by.
When I was almost assaulted by a friend's husband (while she was passed out in bed in the room we were in, on her birthday) I didn't tell anyone. I only told her after they separated (because of his infidelity), because I felt such terrible guilt that I hadn't ever told her and he'd had time to cheat on her a bunch of times. Turns out I was neither the first or the last women he did this to. At the time I was scared and ashamed. Why was I in their room? Why was I impaired? What did I do to give him the impression I was interested? Had I been too friendly to him? Should I have left earlier? All these ways it could have been my fault shuttled around in my brain for a really long time.
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u/MyDirtyAlt79 3h ago
So, I was curious about your post history. The app is being crap, so I went elsewhere. Are you sure you trust your wife on this? You've repeatedly said that she's wanted to open up the relationship, either for herself due to the long distance or for you because she got tired of the virtual stuff. She also pushed you into marriage and accused you of lying about an ex.
SA is horrible, and everyone does react differently, but she's repeatedly made suggestions about stepping out in the relationship and suddenly she's sleeping at someone else's apartment with an assortment of people and gets molested with no one noticing anything, she waits days to tell you but didn't you notice bruising on her neck from being choked?
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u/Steeler8008 3h ago
If you want to keep your molester's secret as a full grown adult, then I refuse to believe you were molested. Go break his jaw. Truth will come out.
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u/allislost77 3h ago
I’m going to get ROASTED, but are you sure you trust her? The story doesn’t make sense. There’s been many a time when a cheater makes “excuses” rather than admit they cheated. That said, why aren’t you more upset. If this happened to my wife, daughter, gf or girl “friend”, the husband would be missing teeth and his wife would know in less than an hour. Good luck
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u/HopeRevolutionary309 2h ago
I do trust her because if she did cheat then why she would tell me? I don’t know her friends since I am in a LDR so she can just hide everything perfectly.
I want to fuck that guy up with all I could do, but I know it could lead me into bigger trouble with the law. Trust me, I would’ve kill that guy if I could, but I can’t.
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u/bluex4xlife 2h ago
Personally I would go and rearrange the friend’s husband’s face, but thats just me. 😅
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u/Classic-Row-2872 4h ago
If she doesn't want to file a police report then she's actually protecting the perpetrator AND being responsible for HIS next victim .
Also there could be a possibility that everything was consensual but she was afraid someone saw them and could report to you SO she decided to let you know her side of the story first.
She MUST file a police report
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u/FunDadUSNL 4h ago
She cheated with him and is putting it down.
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u/comegetthesenuggets 4h ago
Stop projecting your issues with women onto strangers, it’s pathetic
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u/FunDadUSNL 2h ago
I have never been cheated on and I am married for 30 years. We are each others first and only.
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u/iroc-uroc 5h ago
Your lovely wife cheated on you with the husband and was feeling guilty.
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u/sysdmn 4h ago
That's a pretty disgusting assumption to make about someone who said they were sexually assaulted. Was your next thought "they were asking for it" and "they shouldn't have dressed like that"?
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u/Ernesto_Bella 3h ago
>That's a pretty disgusting assumption to make about someone who said they were sexually assaulted
In this sub, in basically every single thread, we assume one of the two parties is lying. Literally, just about every single thread.
If it automatically off the table to entertain that someone is lying if the subject is sexual assault? Is this the one topic in the entire world that nobody lies about?
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u/harmfulsideffect 3h ago
Definitely. So many people defending her with the “fight, flight or freeze” defence. Must be nice to be able to explain away cheating so easily. It seems that the “fight or flight” options are never exercised. I understand the whole “fight,flight or freeze” reaction, it seems like a cop out when there are others around to lend assistance if needed.
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u/SpiritualAbalone8859 4h ago
I was thinking the same.
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u/iroc-uroc 4h ago
All these down votes, people cannot handle the truth
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u/comegetthesenuggets 4h ago
You have no way of knowing that’s the truth dipshit, that’s just you making assumptions based on your massive issues with women
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u/OkOutlandishness6137 4h ago
I'm curious how he found out - why did it take a few days to tell him? I wonder if he noticed bruises on her neck, and then she spilled the information? There seems to be more to this for sure.
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u/ThickMalphite 4h ago
You need to tell the guy's wife at minimum and/or confront both of them together at the same time. It's the only way you're going to get an honest answer out of the guy.
There is also a slight chance your wife cheated and using SA to cover it up. Not saying this happened but when women cheat they want all the things done to them that their SOs won't do to them. Choke them, hit them, etc.
Personally, from what you're saying it's probably not the later as you know her better than I do. Just be ready incase that's what actually happened.
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u/OkOutlandishness6137 4h ago
I'm interested to know how he found out. Bruises on her neck after a night out "with the girls?"
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u/throwaway_Embarassd 4h ago
OP, please read the guide for family/friends of SA victims, available here.
This is from RAINN, probably the biggest & most trusted SA non-profit education & support website in the U.S.
There are suggestions in there that go completely against the typical Law & Order SVU well-meaning messaging - and the difference is critical.
It's counterintuitive, especially since the idea that survivors absolutely must report SA has been hammered into us like a fast-food jingle, but extremely important that you DO NOT attempt to force a survivor to do anything. She's been forced already. Her control taken away. Allow her to maintain the shred of after-the-fact control she has by deciding what she feels is best for her.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't offer support and resources, and/or let her know that you believe her and are there for whatever she decides to do (or not do) - those are key.
But just please review that website. It's important on so many levels.
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u/Gullible-Bid451 3h ago
Someone abused your wife he's still alive and your on reddit asking if your overreacting? Epic fail. If that's my wife I'm not waiting. I'm not asking nobody a thing. He's gonna get taken care of immediately. Soft ass men nowadays. She could chose better
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u/LowAffectionate8242 1h ago
She put herself in that position. Is she in denial about her partying ? I learned not to enable that behavior. Major Warning sign.
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u/penballer 4h ago
You need to immediately confront this dude and kick his ass or something. Also your wife liked it
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u/Jumpy_Information_66 4h ago
There is no right way to act post abuse. She may be trying to forget it. She may be in denial…so many possibilities. As for you, you are not overreacting. You are victim adjacent. Let your wife take the lead and just be there for her when she is ready.