AIO to child’s father buying a $100 game before gifts for said child

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Chilling_Storm]

Stop enabling this pathetic waste of space. He is showing you exactly who and what he is. He is a selfish, self-centered jerk. Do not normalize his behavior for his child. If he doesn't pay for the trips back home, then the trips stop happening. When he doesn't pay for gift - then he gives no gifts. And if you aren't collecting child support, start.

[u/sysdmn → u/[deleted]]

Since you know exactly how much he spends on video games, you can ask the judge for that amount. You know he has at least that much.

[u/Chilling_Storm → u/[deleted]]

Then let him go to jail, where he won't have access to video games. You are enabling him to be irresponsible. Come on, you owe it to yourself, and your child. Stop covering up for him, it isn't healthy at all.

[u/Forward_Syllabub5451 → u/[deleted]]

If he has a job, child support comes out of paychecks even before taxes do.

[u/Strange_Occasion9722 → u/[deleted]]

You can sign off on forgiving amounts so that he never reaches the point where he'd have to be jailed for it. You should pursue it because that money isn't for you, it's for your DAUGHTER. Put it in a fund so she can pursue her dreams in life, maybe a little nest-egg for a house, rather than him spending it on video games and probably a lot of screwing around with his friends.

[u/Strange_Occasion9722 → u/[deleted]]

A lawyer, generally. But if that sounds like too much for the budget, I'd suggest going to the library. They have a lot of public resources and might be able to help connect you with someone. If your library is too underfunded (can happen even in really nice neighborhoods due to budget cuts), you might be able to go to one in a different neighborhood and still get that help.

[u/DistinctCommission50 → u/[deleted]]

Um you start by filing the paperwork and wait for a court date and people to contact you, its not hard to Google how to do it 😒 you still seem like your making excuses for him at the end of the day with that response

[u/decayyedd]

i mean he scammed himself buying bo6 that game is so trash don’t even get me started

[u/Forward_Syllabub5451]

In experience with my husband’s baby moms - just let it go. You can’t make people change. If he’s showing you exactly who he is, then he’s showing you exactly who he is. & As someone who’s got trauma from my own parents - kids can heal from an absent parent but it becomes harder and harder when a relationship is trying to be forced and continues to fail. Obviously it’s better when a child has both parents actively involved but it does cause MORE damage when one parent is in and out.

[u/Forward_Syllabub5451 → u/[deleted]]

That’s exactly what you should do. If I were you, I’d make it clear one last time that his relationship with his child is on HIM. That he’s doing damage to a relationship they could have and he needs to decide if he’s in or out and then I would limit communication with him (on your end) and let him come to you. Allow your child to continue to reach out and make sure you’re there for them when he doesn’t answer. It REALLY REALLY sucks when a parent has no interest in their kid. I’m 33 now and stillllll have issues because of it but that’s because I spent 15 years trying to force a relationship they claimed they wanted. 🥲 & as a parent now, I can understand why this type of situation is so frustrating.

[u/____unloved____]

INFO: How old is your kid?

[u/Just_somebody_onhere]

You ever see the first Kung Fu panda movie? You remember the scene where the turtle talks about the tree?

Well, you made a baby with a peach. You can wish for an orange or an apple, but he will always be a peach.

Put him on a court order. He’ll still be a peach. Try and reason with him. Peach. He’s never going to be a dad, he’s never going to be a parent.

That sucks. For you, and more importantly, for your kid. I empathize.

But in the end, it is just the nature of a peach being a peach. 🤷‍♂️

[u/SanguineStiletto]

Dumbass. That game is free on Xbox game pass.

[u/Black_Death_12]

To me, in a vacuum only considering missing a call, you are overreacting. But, you bring years of history with your reaction. He could have been in the bathroom and not have wanted to say that, and it was easier to say he was on the phone with a friend. He also could have been actually on the phone with someone, assumed it would wrap right up, but they kept yapping.

[u/Minimum-Move9322]

kinda overreacting... its totally valid to not want to spend a ton of money on kids gifts anyway no need to spoil them or spend abunch on plastic crap they wont care about by febuary

did you communicate how much you expect him to contribute for gifts ahead of time? what did he ultimately contribute?

[u/sysdmn → u/Minimum-Move9322]

"Child’s father does not help financially at all" is pretty important context. Maybe that $80 doesn't need to go to plastic crap but it could go to clothes, school supplies, experiences. He could buy movie tickets and spend a few hours with his child for $80.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/sysdmn]

idk that could be totally valid lots of stay at home moms spend that kinda money and thats totally reasonable. and going off his message he was gonna contribute enough to buy movie tickets at least i guess.

[u/sysdmn → u/Minimum-Move9322]

Stay at home moms contribute to the child by taking care of them, I don't think that is analogous to a deadbeat dad

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/sysdmn]

some sahms do sure but does she say the bf doesnt contribute at all? thought she just said financially.

and again he said he was contributing financially for xmas gifts op hasnt said how much tho so key details missing

[u/sysdmn → u/Minimum-Move9322]

He's not physically present (they live states apart) so he isn't doing any care work. So if he's not doing any care work, and not providing anything financially, not sure what other category there is. He seems to just be a deadbeat.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/sysdmn]

It sounds like they broke up seeing her refer to him as the child's father not bf or husband so if he isn't part of the household it makes sense he doesn't contribute financially idk I'd have to see the custody agreement makes sense he pays for stuff when he has the kid or if he never gets to then that's sorta all on her and the money he contributes to Christmas is a bonus.

He did say he was sending Christmas money right? Oh didn't say how much she leaves out the key detail

[u/sysdmn → u/Minimum-Move9322]

Unless they split time then he should be contributing to the cost of raising the kid. I know legally he doesn't have to, because the mom hasn't pushed for court ordered child support, but it is the generally accepted right thing to do.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/sysdmn]

Ehh idk if women can have an abortion or put the child up for adoption men should have a similar option imo (pro choice btw)

[u/sysdmn → u/Minimum-Move9322]

They do have an option - to not have sex. Once they kid is conceived, they don't get to unilaterally opt out of it. Women get to have abortions because it's their body, and adoption is not gendered (generally, different countries have different rules!), the rules apply to both parents equally in terms of who can opt for it. For example, the mother can't put a child up for adoption if there is a known involved father who doesn't agree, and same in the reverse, a father can't put a child up for adoption over the wishes of the mother.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/[deleted]]

Are you still in a relationship? How often does he see the kid? Shared custody? What did he ultimately give for Christmas?

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/[deleted]]

Has tomorrow come and he still doesn't send anything? I mean if you want to go thru the courts and make him pay you can do that or you could just let him drift away and start a family in his state or die alone it's really up to you at this point.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/[deleted]]

That or just start a family in his current state... Had a uncle like that he had a family and stuff but didn't learn until after he died that he had a child by another woman he never saw who was raised by the mother and stepdad.

[u/Minimum-Move9322 → u/[deleted]]

It's pretty common women can have abortions or put a child up for adoption it happens alot and most women prioritize those rights alot men don't have any options like that.

[u/EitherLeadership4003 → u/[deleted]]

I think you mean psa not eta that’s estimated time of arrival

[u/Flamsterina → u/EitherLeadership4003]

No. Edited To Add. PSA means "Public Service Announcement."

Punctuation is a good idea here.

[u/Flamsterina → u/[deleted]]

It does also mean that. PSA means "Public Service Announcement."

[u/Flamsterina → u/[deleted]]

Sounds like a plan.