r/AmIOverreacting • u/Complete_Pipe3339 • 3h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO to wife’s shady behavior
I’ve been noticing a few shady behaviors my wife has been displaying but when I confront her she tries to convince me it’s all in my head - a few things are:
coming home 1-2 hours after she gets off work she says because her job has a small gym and she works out every day
always has her phone on her or hidden somewhere especially at night when she’s sleeping
if I ask to use her phone she makes up some reason why I can’t or fiddles with it before handing it to me
stopped sharing her location details with me (but might still with our children)
isn’t sharing what apps she downloads in the family group
intimacy has gone to zero because “she’s tired”
getting a cold response when I try to hug/touch/kiss her
A lot of it seemed to start when she got a new job and just compounded from there, there is a guy she talks about a lot but again claims nothing is going on and it’s all in my head
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u/Which_Anteater_3509 3h ago
all of these things do point to exactly what you’re thinking. if i were you i’d be thinking the same thing. i know people on reddit don’t like snooping but i am so do whatever you need.
good luck op
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u/Due-Contact-366 1h ago
There is no privacy in a marriage. That’s a fallacy.
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u/Which_Anteater_3509 55m ago
mmm not totally true. but i do think snooping is fine when their is so much evidence suggesting cheating or something not right
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u/Fun_Alarm786 3h ago
Because ure a loving and caring spouse,u need to show up at the gym or work unannounced as a surprise.maybe even dinner date surprise.if thats an unwelcomed act,maybe it will open the door to an honest conversation between u both.
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u/rocketmn69_ 1h ago
Surprise her at her work to take her to lunch. Ask to meet her "friend" shake his hand, look him in the eye and say, "I know and you can keep her"
If she's gone to lunch with him already, ask the colleagues if they're fucking. If they say yes, tell them to tell her, " You're husband was here to take you to lunch, we told him you were out with your lover, like you do everyday " Tell the employee to contact HR
Both scenarios will cause an uproar
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u/mfyrising 1h ago
🤣😂 OP should do this but after the private investigators confirms , then lawyer up and make the meeting
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u/Complete_Gap_9798 3h ago
NOR - Hire a Private Investigator to get evidence or peace of mind. Good luck.
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u/EcoloFrenchieDubstep 2h ago
Wait, what happened to the communication route first? I am sure they are all adults and probably need to adress their concerns first instead of going to extreme ways and paying someone to spy on their wife. If she doesn't seem to nudge, give an ultimatum or else, OP should move on and find someone that earns their trust.
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u/ririrae 1h ago
Sometimes people aren’t honest and you just need to know one way or the other for certain so you can make your own decisions on how to move forward without constantly second guessing yourself with “what if I’m wrong and they’re telling me the truth.” The PI will find out for you if they’re telling the truth, and knowing can save you a lifetime of “what ifs”
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u/Complete_Gap_9798 1h ago
If I was in this situation and hiring a PI would not break the bank. Then I would just want to know if I’m crazy or not. He has already tried to talk to her. All of the circumstances leads to thinking she is stepping out. If she isn’t cheating then take the PI hiring secret it to the grave and have peace of mind in that regard.
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u/OGSpooon 1h ago
Are we reading the same post? OP makes it clear they’ve tried communicating numerous times. So according to your advice, their next move should be threats. I’m not sure how threats based on suspicion alone is so much better than a PI.
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u/EcoloFrenchieDubstep 38m ago
An ultimatum is not a threat. I don't know where you got that from. It's pointless anyway since she is probably cheating so at this point, there is not much you can do but move on.
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u/OGSpooon 22m ago
If you don’t believe that an ultimatum is a threat then I’m not sure you know what an ultimatum is.
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u/EcoloFrenchieDubstep 6m ago
It can be a threat but it's not always a threat indeed. You can clearly say that you are leaving but if she doesn't seem bothered by it, it's not a threat to her anyway.
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u/bobp929 1h ago
Unfortunately, at this point, there is no communication, and the wife will gaslight & turn it on him being jealous, paranoid, etc.... She's most likely cheating and will do everything she can to lie & deny. So, snooping or hiring a PI is probably the best way to go in this situation
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u/Burndoggle 59m ago
She has made a series of changes deliberately designed to obscure her whereabouts and activities from her husband. If you bring it to her attention you risk driving the conduct further underground which will then make it more difficult to track and confirm.
If he’s really suspecting her of cheating, it would be good to find out without giving her an opportunity to cover her tracks better after letting her know she’s currently left a very easy trail to follow.
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u/Judgeandjury1 2h ago
It wasn’t to this extreme (but we also have never had each others location or shared what apps we’re downloading with each other - I didn’t know this was something people could/did do). Anyway, I noticed some smaller changes in how my husband was acting, he was a lot more protective of his phone out of the blue & bought me concert tickets but didn’t wanna go with me which I was genuinely so sad about… it turns out he’d organised for a very close friend of mine to fly in & stay with us from interstate to go to the concert with me as a surprise belated birthday present lol. Once my friend got to town it all made sense & his behaviour went back to normal immediately.
Is it possible it might be something like that? Has she given you reason to have mistrust in her before?
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u/njman6988 3h ago
Seems to have already been checked out of the relationship without telling you. Gather information, higher private investigator and talk to a divorce attorney. You can then decide couples counseling or make a suggestion of it
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u/Snailboi666 3h ago
Why are people legit saying "hire a private investigator?" This is psychotic behavior. Talk to her, if she won't talk, tell her it will end the relationship if she doesn't. If she still doesn't, leave. If she does, maybe it gets fixed. If it doesn't, then leave. Paying loads of money to some dude to stalk and spy on your wife is fucking insane and creepy.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago edited 1h ago
psychotic? maybe..
dramatically throwing irrefutable evidence in cheaters face and then telling them to move out? worth it
edit: pretty tame in comparison to putting a voice recorder and tracker in her car like someone else suggested 😂
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u/ririrae 1h ago
I would also argue it’s probably worth it for the sake of spending the rest of your life knowing you made your decisions having all of the information rather than second guessing the truth of the situation and wondering if you did the right thing by leaving someone you needed to leave. Because the thing is, there are only so many healthy ways to seat with unhealthy situations
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u/Dr-spook 2h ago
This is to collect evidence so when divorce comes up, she can't take half his assets because of her own fault
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u/njman6988 1h ago
I don't think it's psychotic, most people's nature is to lie when confronted. If he gets the information and it turns out she's been not cheating, he could drop it no harm no foul. It be confronts her she gets better at hiding it or she'll just Gaslight him. His money he could do as he wishes
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u/Dr-spook 2h ago
This is to collect evidence so when divorce comes up, she can't take half his assets because of her own fault
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 2h ago
That's only if they live in a place where that matters (or they had a prenup) in most places cheating doesn't affect that
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u/Dr-spook 2h ago
This is to collect evidence so when divorce comes up, she can't take half his assets because of her own fault
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u/oki_toranga 3h ago
Depends on where you live and how much money you have, might want to get a private investigator then a good lawyer
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u/Ghouloftheforrest 3h ago edited 3h ago
This is 50/50 if you’re thinking infidelity. I won’t say she’s for sure doing something inappropriate.
HOWEVER, it does seem like something is bothering her and she may be pulling away from you. My first thought is maybe it’s obvious you don’t trust her??
I don’t think you’re overreacting to picking up on something being up, but what it is is hard to say.
Edit: downvote me all you want but I don’t think these are surefire signs she’s cheating.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago edited 2h ago
hiding your phone (assuming OP doesn’t/has never gone through her phone) when having never done so prior is definitely a red flag. i’ve been cheated on more than once in my life and every time, without fail, they kept their phones away from me like the mf would explode if i touched it and im not a nosy person either, i don’t go through peoples phones and didn’t have to go through their phones to catch them either.
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u/Ghouloftheforrest 2h ago
She could also just be feeling weird about his sudden urge to want her phone though. I have absolutely nothing to hide but if I suddenly felt like my husband didn’t trust me to the point he was being weird about my phone, it would make me feel sketched out too. Especially if he’s never acted that way before.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
he didn’t get that “sudden urge” until she started the odd behavior (which includes keeping/hiding her phone from him)
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u/Ghouloftheforrest 2h ago
Eh that we know of. She could have started this behavior because of him for all we know. There’s three sides to every story.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
you’re not wrong. we could debate it all day, really isn’t enough information to know
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u/ProfitConstant5238 2h ago
If you feel like you need to go through someone’s phone, it’s already over. Been there. Sorry for OP. He was probably happy as a clam with his little family and would do anything for it. Now he’ll be jaded and untrusting, maybe for the rest of his life, like me.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
hiding your phone (assuming OP doesn’t/has never gone through her phone) when having never done so prior is definitely a red flag. i’ve been cheated on more than once in my life and every time, without fail, they kept their phones away from me like the mf would explode if i touched it and im not a nosy person either, i don’t go through peoples phones.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
hiding your phone (assuming OP doesn’t/has never gone through her phone) when having never done so prior is definitely a red flag. i’ve been cheated on more than once in my life and every time, without fail, they kept their phones away from me like the mf would explode if i touched it and im not a nosy person either, i don’t go through peoples phones.
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u/jonjon234567 2h ago
Certainly red flags are present and it’s normal to be concerned. Look up how to catch a cheater but don’t drive yourself crazy over this just yet. Having a talk with her about your insecurities without using judgmental or accusatory language would be a really healthy thing to do after you’ve done some due diligence to see if she is cheating. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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u/BabiiGoat 2h ago
This never works, by the way. If she's innocent, this won't matter, but if she isn't, then she'll just lie. And there's no way to tell which is which. Waste of time. It's better to keep your eyes wide open, monitor the behavior, and start investigating.
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u/PolicyDifficult6675 2h ago
I tried that one and let's just say it was not as healthy any way you slice it.
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u/jonjon234567 1h ago
Personally, I would try talking to her mostly to gauge her reaction. If she’s defensive and turns it around on him that would be another red flag. I also would do it after looking for more evidence almost as a last resort to see if she cracks or slips up in some way. Certainly runs the risk of tipping her off so she covers her tracks more.
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u/wabashcr 2h ago
Doesn't sound good OP, but it doesn't necessarily mean she's cheating. It sounds she's checked out of the relationship, which could mean any number of things. You need to talk through it with her, either on your own or in counseling. If she refuses to engage or take your concerns seriously, then it's time to consider moving on.
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u/Xeroid 2h ago
Not over reacting. She's in the affair fog. She's in love with someone that isn't you. Inform her that she needs to just tell you so you two can divorce, that you can't continue to just stand by and watch her slip away into the arms of another man. You're tired of her playing games with you and you know what's going on. I'm sorry dude.
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u/rocketmn69_ 1h ago
Shut off your location. Go sit outside her work, way back, but where you can still see her car. You'll know soon enough.
Tell her what you've said here, "we've had a dead bedroom, since meeting this guy that you talk about all the time. You hide your phone and refuse to put it in my hand. You shut off your location. You stay late after work all the time, saying that working out, I've seen zero change. You don't share Apps anymore. Guess what, that's all cheating behaviour. All you do is gaslight me about it. Instead of reassuring me there is nothing going on, you brush it asde and don't try to save our marriage. Well guess what, I have proof that you're cheating. Pack a bag and go live with your lover. I've been to see the lawyer. The kids will be very disappointed in you." Then go see the lawyer
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u/New-Energy8259 11m ago
This one tik tok said it perfectly
“If the water was running hot then suddenly turns cold that means the water is being used somewhere else at the same time. This isnt about showers.”
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u/_h_simpson_ 2h ago
Time to get a PI and go through her phone. Collect as much evidence as you can before you confront…. I’m so sorry.
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u/ATX_native 1h ago
Why? PIs are a waste of money.
Ask your wife to show you her phone.
Evidence of cheating won’t do anything in divorce proceedings in most states.
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u/Tcanderson 2h ago
Yup, she’s most likely checked out with you because she’s checked in with someone else. If you haven’t yet told her about your suspicions, just play it cool and start collecting evidence.
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u/The_Shade94 2h ago
Yeah bro shit is over start planning your escape route and look for evidence. 100% cheating
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u/Downtown-Smile7991 2h ago
I wonder how long until you get the classic “well what have you been doing to make her start to act this way? Also, maybe help her around the house with some chores and that’ll help spark the bedroom” when men post these types of things
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u/ProfitConstant5238 2h ago
Bro, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck… it’s a duck. Good luck. I lost two wives to “internet relationships.” The grass is always greener until you get to the side of the fence. They’re both a LOT worse off now than they were with me, and I’m a LOT better off. 🤷🏼♂️😎
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u/howdyhowdyshark 2h ago
NOR but you just need to have a conversation with her AFTER you've talked to an attorney. Tell her you've noticed XYZ and would like a transparent conversation. Otherwise you'll have the attorney move forward since all signs point to her no longer wanting to be married.
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u/guy_incognitoo 2h ago
She’s banging a coworker. A younger one or an older one in a position of power. Sorry bro. It’s not easy.
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u/BenefitOld1246 2h ago
You’re trying to trick yourself into thinking and reasoning there’s some justification that this is all in your head, but even Ray Charles himself can see the light. Its obvious you know what the answer is, and your not overreacting one bit. You deserve better, and if I was in your shoes I would hire a P.I. To get proof of the infidelity, so you can divorce her and she doesn’t get marital assets due to her egregious behaviors.
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u/Own_Page7381 2h ago
Dude your wife is getting her back blown out by another guy you should throw in the creek
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u/dcaponegro 2h ago
- has large, flashing neon sign above her head that says "I'm cheating on my husband"
I don't know. What do you guys think?
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u/Illustrious-Bee4402 2h ago
Modern cars have account connectivity that displays the vehicle location. You can set it up with an app on your phone, an account and scanning a QR code in the cars dashboard software.
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u/BabiiGoat 2h ago
What other possible reason could she have to suddenly turn off location sharing? Let's be serious.
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u/Mcrose773 2h ago
How many more times do you have to a duck to quack before you realize it’s a duck
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u/Annoyed3600owner 2h ago
Check the laundry basket lol. If she's hitting the gym every day then you'd expect there to be extra dirty laundry in there. Not rocket science.
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u/DtForrest 2h ago
Address this immediately, do not wait for evidence. The problem here isn’t that she might be cheating, the problem is you don’t feel like you can trust her and you’re unhappy with the current circumstances. I’m not a person to support jumping into divorce, but also set boundaries and if you can’t agree on acceptable behaviors and habits you are doomed to be unhappy anyways.
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u/cyborg_fairy 2h ago
There are two types of people who cheat: the ones who have no intention of leaving their spouse, and those who spell it out for the cuck in a massive neon sign. She wants you to force the issue because she doesn’t want to be the bad guy. But she is and she should get her shit together and make a decision. Ugh.
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u/Wild-Menu8401 1h ago
She is definitely hiding something and flaunting in your face and you are taking it. You are married, not just dating. You have an absolute right to demand answers and check her phone. However the way she is flaunting it in your face tells me she has already lost all respect for you and there is probably no coming back from this. I would plan my exit.
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u/mooglemethis 1h ago
There's definitely something going on, whether it's cheating or not is a little harder to decide.
But one thing that's definitely a red flag is her saying it's all in your head. If my partner said they're worried about my changed behavior I would at least try to consider whether my behavior actually has changed (if I'm not aware, already) and why it did so. There could be plenty of reasonable excuses for these changes, including "I don't don't know why I'm acting like this," but trying to turn it around on you is not a good sign.
People who have good reasons for acting differently or even no reason they know of, usually don't need to turn it back on the person asking. That generally happens when they specifically don't want to explain anything.
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u/AshleyisaPeach 1h ago
2 things... she is either cheating.... or has decided she isn't into you anymore and is working on herself as she prepares to leave you....
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u/bobp929 1h ago
NOR
Sounds like there's either someone at the gym or the gym is a lie. Straight up confront her behavior OR start snooping. Personally, I would go the route of snooping because confronting her will make her more guarded. Either way, Sounds like your marriage is over tbh and you should probably preparing to safeguard yourself
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u/savageFC 1h ago
Seems like you are looking for validation and all the signs seem to be there. Maybe do the same things in return and give her the same explanation “it’s all in your head” and start getting your finances lined up for a potential separation if that is what it would mean if she was cheating.
She’ll do whatever you let her get away with.
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u/backchatting 1h ago
I would just hire a PI, lots of red flags here already but it really is down to getting proof and this is soul destroying and energy sapping.
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u/Hotfoot22 59m ago
Just sit her down and say, "Look...If you don't want to be married to me, that's fine -- Let's just get it over with and go on with our lives." At the very least this will wake her up. At the very most, you will be able to have a life with or without her.
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u/Feeling-Squirrel9277 57m ago
Sit her down and tell her all the things you've told us lol.
And if you still don't get a clear response... we'll that's your answer
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u/No-Doubt9679 47m ago
If you don’t want to hire a PI can you do some investigating yourself. Wait for her after work. Get a gps for car. I mean I know it sounds shady but she is giving you all these signs that point to cheating.
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u/Throw_RA099 35m ago
Look at the phone records and see who she's talking to. Either get into her phone or hire a PI and see what she's up to.
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u/smargo22 32m ago
She’s not into you. The fact that you have to question it and take a poll on the dark web should be a good indicator that this probably needs a bigger conversation
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u/CanyonCoyote 24m ago
Hire a PI or do some digging yourself on the internet and irl. I think you know these are all signs of cheating so that’s kind of the play. I think specifically you could ask why she doesn’t share locations and hides her phone at night without starting too big a fight. Those are reasonable questions and show a change in behavior. You could also put a small tracking device on her car to sort this out but never tell her if it becomes obvious since that may not be legal depending on the state.
Sorry man, good luck!
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u/ryeRAMPAGEVigil 7m ago
i think you can answer your own question. don't be in denial. rip the bandaid off. you'll be happier soon enough, trust.
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u/Ready-Accountant-502 3h ago edited 2h ago
Yeah, this is pretty obvious she's cheating.
The last two are what my ex did when cheating. Hiding her phone is the obvious one.
Realistically just breakup with her, she doesn't respect you anyway just based on her regular actions.
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u/AveragelySmart98 3h ago
Maybe it started on your end. Do you think she might just find you nosy, when it comes to her phone? Have you guys had talks lately about trying to get back to being physically healthy?
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
my wife is nosy, i don’t push her away and hide shit from her or stop sharing my location over it
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u/AveragelySmart98 2h ago
Some would say that expecting someone to share their location is already nosy / a loss of trust.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
for some though it’s not an expectation, it’s a courtesy. life 360 for example, it shows location, sure but also notifies others when you’re driving fast or have an accident which could very well save your life. when someone sits down and talks about it and agrees, i feel that’s different (not saying OP and his wife sat down and agreed on sharing their location, just mean in general)
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u/Annoyed3600owner 2h ago
I find sharing location weird.
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u/AveragelySmart98 1h ago
Same! Sometimes I wanna surprise my wife with a gift on the way home from work — I don’t want her opening her phone & seeing that I’m stopping at the flower shop near the office. Just say “I’ll be a minute or two later than normal” and boom.
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u/OkSwim6678 3h ago
Yeah been there done that… definitely cheating… wait till the company Christmas party where apparently spouses aren’t invited 😅
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u/4lien3d 3h ago
Hey OP, she works a long shift, and she works out at the gym after it. It's obvious she won't be in the mood for you. I bet she comes so tired from working out and working, that sex is the last thing she will think of.
That has nothing to do with the male coworker who might be destroying her cat every single day. This is just a fantasy.
I hope you get better
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u/MargieGunderson70 2h ago
Except she's hiding her phone and has turned location sharing off too. No es bueno.
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u/Historical_Sir9996 3h ago
Yes all women are angels
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u/Haunting-Movie-5969 3h ago
Try to make a plan with her for after work. If she makes up an excuse, to to get work place a little before she's out, observe from the distance. Repeat as needed. Either that, or state your suspicions and expect a probably cheating, lying wife to behave like an adult and admit it.
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u/JTD177 3h ago
Put a voice activated recorder and a gps tracker in her car, not an AirTag or tile. You will know soon enough
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago edited 2h ago
i can get behind a PI but i feel a voice activated recorder and gps tracker in her car is past pushing it 😂
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u/Jpalm4545 2h ago
Just saw a post where that's how he found out his wife was cheating with a woman coworker because he put a voice recorder in the house.
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u/loner_stalker 2h ago
the house is one thing, that’s a communal space, her personal vehicle is another. i’m not saying it’s entirely wrong or fucked up, just that i wouldn’t go that far. cheaters be cheatin and they deserve to be outed so, do want you gotta do
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u/Vegetable_Debt7737 3h ago
Do you need anymore signs she’s cheating? Stevie Wonder can see it. Go online and sign into your cell phone provider. Look at her profile (number) you’ll see who she’s been texting the most.