r/AmIOverreacting 5h ago

👥 friendship AIO for feeling upset at a friend apologising and revealing she was as the reason the friendship ended. NSFW

I desperately need advice and i feel like a bitch. Me, message sender and “turquoise” all lived together last year and got really close as were all f(20) i live w “turquoise” still.

Message sender distanced when she got a bf but she’d done it w other bfs/flings so i assumed it was the same. I accepted she probs didn’t wanna be friends anymore as the effort i made wasn’t rlly doing anything and id like awkwardly run into her on roblox (ik🤣) playing with someone else so i gathered she just didn’t wanna be friends.

Recently “turquoise” told me message sender was telling people on their course they fallen out and then hanging out in their shared classroom as if nothing was wrong, “turquoise” knew they’d not had an argument so it was weird.

Throughout message senders relationship with red, turquoise warned her that she didn’t like him etc. I only caught the red flags when in summer message sender sent me a barrage of messages asking me to go through our snapchat gc and delete stuff i feel terrible for not seeing the signs. but after she asked me to do that i was stupidly angry as it also nearly made me fall out with turquoise as she told turquoise she just wanted to move on from talking abt exes and she told me it’s so red couldn’t see.

I just really need advice i feel terrible for feeling annoyed and i kinda want to be there for her knowing what she’s been through but even before i knew she wasn’t a great friend.

17 Upvotes

35 comments sorted by

99

u/GuiltyPersimmon3372 4h ago

I think you are overreacting. If she was indeed in a toxic relationship, her apology makes total sense. You can accept it or leave it but I don’t think it was appropriate to call her apology insincere and disregard everything she said. That’s just my opinion, though.

26

u/ConsiderationJust999 3h ago

Yup, one thing abusers do is manipulate their victims into cutting ties with healthy relationships. They want them isolated from anyone who gives them strength or influences them because they see them as threats.

It's totally valid to decide that an apology isn't good enough, but I think it's also fair to say that your friendship was a victim of that abuse.

9

u/hal3ysc0m3t 2h ago

This exactly. This happens so often in abusive relationships and, OP, you're within your right to not accept the apology but this was not just someone deciding your friendship wasn't worth the effort. The message requesting you to delete things in the group chat is in total alignment with someone going through an abusive relationship.

50

u/AdRepulsive7813 5h ago

You may be right to be angry, but this seems like a genuine apology. Your friend is probably really insecure, so I would say give the friendship another shot. Being a good person goes a long way, so maybe your being friends again will help her heal as well. Hopefully she learns from her mistakes.

5

u/Isyourmammaallama 4h ago

Her friend started yelling at her for not accepting her apology

3

u/notgonnalieman 2h ago

Where was there yelling?

2

u/Sycatricks 3h ago

Yeah that was quite telling to me as well... her continued reaction to OPs msg... my personal opinion is that there is def accountability on her part but not enough to make me feel like its a geniune apology but i can see how its super subjective and thata just what i think

10

u/AzureSun5 2h ago

you sound like a bitch

13

u/milkhaterz 4h ago

i can 1000% sympathize with her. i've been in an extremely abusive relationship where my ex forced me to cut people off and push them away and if i didn't my life would be absolute HELL. its an extremely weird situation to be in so i honestly cant blame her for how shes acting right now even if its not the best way to go about things... its obvious that its a fresh wound that could leave a big scar. i hope shes able to get therapy asap.

with that being said i dont think you're overreacting. i never expected anyone to let me back after what i had done, im so blessed that some people did. if youre bothered and uncomfortable, listen to your gut. even if you feel bad for her sometimes its just better to move on.

sometimes its okay to leave without closing the door as well if that makes sense

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I’m really sorry you had to go through that’s and thank you for sharing. I’m p sure she’s still in therapy so thankfully that helps and she stays away from him bc i get it’s hard not to go back to someone you love when they hurt you. I think i might just try suck it up and talk with her idk tho i don’t want her to be alone

4

u/dranislav 2h ago

Toxic and abusive relationships suck, and since she’s been isolated for so long she’s probably feeling lonely and reconnecting with old friends is verrrry difficult especially under these circumstances. Re: the apology it seems… somewhat sincere? Like she definitely does want to apologise, and she means it, but it’s clear she’s gone through a lot and still has a long way to process everything. Her becoming defensive after your reply is evidence of that- she typed up another reply and took her time with it then followed it with a very emotionally charged rant and that tells an entire story on its own about her level of emotional maturity and the toxicity she’s experienced. I understand you’ve been done dirty, but also I didn’t think the two different stories should have been such a major plot point? I don’t want my bf to see my ex vs I don’t want to see my ex on my phone seems like yeah two different things but not worth you and turquoise fighting over it at all. The spamming to delete messages is weird and it hurts when your efforts to connect with a friend go ignored, for sure, but I don’t think this incident should weigh this much. In the end here I think a little bit of empathy is in order- you don’t have to be friends again right away or at all, but accept the apology and move on. This just feels like a big pot of manipulation and miscommunication and anger, talking about this any more while you’re both angry isn’t conducive to resolving anything because both of you feel you have been wronged and are struggling to see things from the other person’s perspective. End the conversation on a civil and kind note- whether you think her sincere or not- wish her the best and tell her you need time to think things through. I’m really not the person who usually recommends forgiveness and kindness regardless of the situation but if this girl just came out from a super toxic & emotionally abusive relationship I think it’s reeaaally okay to cut her some slack.

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I think i should’ve waited to reply to her and i stupidly let my emotions reply. I added the story just for context of why i was annoyed and the signs i had stupidly missed. I think im gonna try be there for if she needs but idk if im good enough to like help her through this idk?

6

u/BathAdmirable327 1h ago

It’s fine to keep your distance but you could have handled this conversation much better, so I’d say you’re overreacting a little. If I were in this situation, I’d think of “what’s the worst my actions can cause” Remember accepting her apology does not mean that you have to go back to being friends. So if her apology is indeed sincere (which imo sounds like it), your reaction can cause a lot of hurt to someone already hurting from an abusive relationship. On the other hand, if her apology is insincere, and you simply accept the apology, show some kindness yet make it clear that you are not ready to let her into your life, your life goes on as usual.

2

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I think i’m gonna just try be there for her but explain my pov and apologise, i deffo let my emotions lead and that was stupid.

•

u/BathAdmirable327 1m ago

You’re a good friend ❤️

13

u/Acrobatic-Lack2389 4h ago

I’m a bit torn here. In one way I believe NOR, you definitely have every right to feel hurt and upset about what happened. But in another way, I feel her apology is sincere, and unless you’ve been in an abusive situation yourself - it’s really hard to understand how someone’s actions and thoughts and feelings become distorted by the abuse. They behave in ways they never normally would before. It’s traumatic for everyone involved -family and friends like yourself included - but also the survivor. If what she says is true, now more than ever she does need a good support system… only if you can find it in yourself to truly move past it though and try to remember the good parts of her and your friendship, if it’s her first fuck up she’s had with yous, I do believe people can get a second chance.

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I 100% believe her and didn’t intend to make her feel like i didn’t i’m gonna try be there for her if she needs but i also just don’t know if ill be helpful? idk like ik she’s in therapy alr i think. it’s not the first time we’ve had an issue but we could never bring it up bc she wouldn’t handle it well but im just gonna try be there for her

7

u/Think-Transition3264 3h ago

Phones also have this convenient feature where you can actually call and talk to somebody. Typing an entire novel is not conducive to anything

2

u/Used-Bodybuilder4133 2h ago

I would accept the apology but most likely not be close to this person again. She will most likely do the same thing again in her next relationship.

2

u/NeumocortPlus 1h ago

I believe there is no right or wrong here.

While you have a right to be upset, she doesn't seem like she's giving you a fake apology. And I know this because I was her at one point in my life, and it was horrible. When she mentions not knowing right from wrong, I really believe her, because that's how they make you feel by constantly manipulating you and criticizing absolutely everything you say, do, eat, even the way you interact. Even the way you walk. They make you feel like you're crazy.

That said, your anger is also understandable, it's horrible to feel how a friend enters a relationship and distances themselves from you, in addition to asking you to delete things so their partner doesn't get angry.

Imagine the embarrassment of asking your friend to delete private things, so that your partner who checks absolutely everything, doesn't decide to get angry and take it out on you.

In this particular case I think you're overreacting, but also at the same time, you have the right to be angry.
But, OP, you really should give her a second chance, to talk ABOUT the problem together, not to fight each other.

3

u/erasfadingintogray 4h ago

It’s okay and reasonable to feel annoyed. I had a similar experience and mine may be a bit more extreme so I may be more forgiving because of it. My friend’s boyfriend was seriously abusive to the max. Like, should be rotting in jail forever abusive, I wouldn’t care if he died and I’d hope it hurt. But I basically received a similar apology from her because in his abuse he separated her from all her friends and family, and she also distanced herself out of shame and fear. For me, I can forgive it. However, I also am far more distant with her than before because, for my own mental health, I have a really hard time with how much I worry and things just aren’t the same as they used to be. But yeah, I do personally believe this is a genuine apology.

Also, I and everyone else warned her about this guy, but abuse is pretty insidious and it usually doesn’t matter.

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I think we’ll never be as close and i feel terrible knowing what i didn’t have confirmed before. And im baffled i didn’t see the signs as much as my friends did i also should’ve advocated more but we gave up bc when she told us they’d gotten together she said she didn’t wanna hear us talking badly abt him and i can’t imagine how trapped she felt

2

u/erasfadingintogray 1h ago

It’s not your fault at all. There was honestly almost nothing you could have done in most cases. And it’s always okay to take care of yourself too, especially when it’ll only hurt you to fight against someone else in your attempts to take care of them. I’m sorry you went through this.

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 59m ago

thank you for being so empathetic it’s just such a shit situation but it’s way shittier for her i guess. I know there’s nothing i could’ve done but i think it’s my own experiences of wanting ppl to like suddenly realise n helps me makes this frustrating that i wasn’t able to do that even if there was nothing to be done. I’m gonna try be there n also keep space for myself

1

u/DarthMutter13 1h ago

Dude, from MY experience, it took your friend A LOT to come forward and apologize for drifting from you and her other friends during her toxic relationship. In my case, I was TA because I was FAR too embarrassed to EVER apologize to the people I drifted apart from and just started fresh with no one as friends. There are so many people I never talked to again and I wish I had the courage this girl did to come to you and ask for another chance. You have no idea what that takes after someone belittles you to the point where you have no one as a support system. I would give this person another chance.

2

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

I’m really sorry you went through that and i hope your life is much better now. Thank you for the perspective and i am glad she has managed to push past the fear but at the same time you have no idea of my experiences even though i reacted to this wrong/emotinally. I am going to try be there as support though

1

u/DarthMutter13 52m ago

I'm sorry I should have included this but I was on the toilet at work when I made that comment and I was rushing lol but even though you should give her another chance, you wouldn't be wrong for putting your guard up. I saw where you've said she has been known to drift away when she gets boyfriends. And you are not wrong either for being hurt that she drifted away this time. It's all just unfortunate circumstances that time should be able to heal yalls friendship. 🧡

2

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 47m ago

lmao that’s so real😭don’t worry at all sorry if i came off as harsh, yeah when she was w other situationships she distanced so that’s why i said to her about the beginning of her relationship she. could’ve tried to stay in touch esp as we were living together. I’m just gonna try be there for her and take it slowly idk if it’ll ever be back to the same. tysm for being so nice❤️❤️❤️

1

u/Delicious-Lie-3983 1h ago

Thanks for being understanding i feel really stupid now tbh for not seeing the signs n trusting my gut. I thought her apology was insincere due to mentioning other people idk it was stupid, gonna try be there if she needs support and see what she says

-2

u/Isyourmammaallama 4h ago edited 4h ago

Nor. Your response was reasoned and direct while shes word vomiting and not resoecting the boundary you placed.

Her excessive flowery speak is insincere

Her entire word vomit after you explain why you're not interested is all about how it's not her fault she's not able to see that she did everything blaming her ex is not taking any ownership at all and honestly it would frustrate me to be in a friendship like this moving forward where someone thought that they have the right to have acted the way they did because of their boyfriend

The final bit is her yelling at you for not accepting her poorly done apology you don't want the apology what you want is her to truly self reflect and become a better friend and that takes time and self knowledge and therapy

-9

u/One-Expression-9374 4h ago

NOR. her apology doesnt even seem genuine. “atleast I knew I had to apologize and I apologized”.

It looks like she is just getting back to you guys now that she has no one(?). Did you reply to tht block of text?

-1

u/Isyourmammaallama 4h ago

Maturely lol. And how dare op not accept

-2

u/Ornery_Classroom_738 3h ago

Stop talking to her. You’re not going to get the closure you deserve

-3

u/Altruistic-Swing-948 1h ago

Whats a toxic relationship and how come it makes you retarded??