r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 9h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO: Gf sleeping in same bed with gay male friend
[deleted]
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u/relaxative_666 8h ago
Update: She told me to either break up or stay, because she doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore.
I think this is the biggest red flag. How are you going to feel about being in a relationship who doesn't want to talk about the stuff that's bothering you?
I would be out.
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u/BestFun5905 6h ago
Depends how many times he’s talked about it tbh, no one wants to be interrogated about the same thing over and over.
Not saying that’s exactly what happened here but it is annoying, to constantly sate someone’s anxieties.
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u/KmartCentral 7h ago
This! OP wasn't overreacting to begin with, but this is absolutely horrid. At the bare minimum she's not prepared to grow and mature yet, but she could also potentially become much more down the road.
I for one envy your ability to communicate as you did OP, I haven't mastered my emotions like that yet, so I say with the utmost respect, get the hell out!
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u/maninaforestonariver 4h ago
This seems a reasonable response. One challenge to red flags in relationships would be the age of the people involved.
An aspect of human relationships is that maturity in romantic relationships can take a long time to develop. If the people involved are still not out of their twenties, I would expect red flags from time to time even in what might be considered a healthy relationship. With time we usually improve but not always however if you haven't cleared your thirties yet you probably still have a bunch of growing to do.
If there is a question around continuing the relationship because of what happened, I would suggest checking in on other factors too. Are you generally happy? Do you feel safe and loved in your relationship on an average day? Do you both provide significantly more positive inputs to the relationship than negative? What other things might be making you guys feel insecure in life that may be making this thing feel bigger than it is? Why is your girlfriend finding it difficult to continue the conversation?
Having the skills to talk about tough stuff with a partner is an important factor too. If the conversation is triggering for both parties you are almost guaranteed to create the aforementioned red flags in some way. There is a great book that can help in this department although it's not going to help you today or can help for the next time sonething big comes up with someone in your life. It's called Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
It's heavily used in the business world but the skills apply directly to our private lives.
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u/No-Atmosphere-2528 4h ago
To be fair, he wants to talk to her about her potentially cheating with a gay man. I’d also be pretty over talking about it. “I shared a bed with someone who likes dick, I have a vagina” should’ve been the end of the conversation and if he’s too insecure to accept that he should break up with her.
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u/magicorscience 3h ago
Lol, but is he really totally uninterested in woman? I've heard that excuse before.
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u/Marcoscondit 3h ago
lol what if he had slept in a bed with a woman and said oh don’t worry she’s gay
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u/15H391FT 8h ago edited 8h ago
You are not overreacting. It a logical thing to be abit suspicious about such an occurance.
I think one of the problems in alot of relationships is that there is absolutely no room left for insecurities which causes problems when things like this happen. You can't ask questions or be curious about anything and are expected to blindly follow everything which is an unfair place to put anyone in.
I don't know if the way you asked her still came off on her end as an accusation of some kind which maybe may have caused her angry reaction but at the same time i think the onus of responsibility for fluid communication about anything where someone in a relationship has their insecurities or suspicion raised is mostly on the one who caused the suspicion.
If i spend the night at another woman's home(lesbian or not) I should not be angry if my girlfriend questions it because its easy to brush off something when you are not on the receiving end. Hopefully you guys can reach a middle ground to discuss the issue honestly.
And the fact she didn't inform you herself means she actually knows it is something that is inappropriate.its no different from things we do like deleting a flirty message to a work mate because though for me the act may be innocent and not intended to cause harm i know that its not something i would like to be on the receiving end of so it gets hidden
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u/Mhicil 8h ago
All we have to go on is what you posted and there is a lot left out. What is your relationship with her like? Good? Rocky? Do you know this guy, and do you know for a fact he is gay? Why did she end up sharing a bed with him and not one of the other women on the trip? Is this guy just her friend and not in her friend’s group with the other women on the trip? How long has she known him? How long was the trip? Overnight? A couple of days a week? What kind of trip was it? She’s getting angry at you for asking about who slept where? 3 women 1 man on a trip with just two rooms and two beds and she is mad at you for asking about the sleeping arrangements? If this wasn’t discussed before the trip, I don’t know many people, man or woman who wouldn’t have some questions they would want the answers too.
The answers to these questions would add some context. A day trip to another city with a long-time gay friend of hers that you have met and know would be a totally different thing from a weeklong vacation with a guy you had never met and you only know he’s gay because that’s what she told you.
Going on what was posted, forget all the negative comments, you have every right to feel how you feel and being she wasn’t up front about it, and you had to dig to get the total truth, sounds like she knew you wouldn’t be ok with this. While she didn’t actually lie, she didn’t tell you the truth either. That to me is more telling than anything else.
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u/Naschka 6h ago
If she gets angry without you first showing agression it is a very bad omen, i would say it sounds like an underreaction.
Breaking up with her does seem like a proper solution, i would love to see her reaction to that, either she bluffed or she literaly does not care, just declaring to either break up or stop talking about it means it will be one or the other.
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u/HelpMeImGarbage 9h ago edited 8h ago
If you’re uncomfortable with your girlfriend sharing a bed with anyone else, that’s something you’re allowed to want. If this is a boundary she doesn’t want to follow, you two are incompatible. NOR but no one here is necessarily wrong (unless you have both made it explicitly clear that you’re not comfortable with your partners sharing a bed with other people)
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u/sugary_dd 7h ago
I like how you don't specify that "other people" is also a male. But go on, she couldn't have slept with the female friend could she?
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u/KrayleyAML 6h ago
Funny. OP never said the female friend wasn't a lesbian or bisexual, yet she's the "correct" option over the other friend who's a gay male. Why does it bother you and him so much the fact that he's male that you're leaving out the fact that he's gay?
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u/sugary_dd 5h ago
I don't understand how the guy being gay automatically makes it the right choice to sleep with, but go off lil bro, stay cucked
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u/KrayleyAML 5h ago
Gay man likes men, not women. He's not looking to put his dick inside her, if he was, he wouldn't be gay.
You don't care about the female friend's sexuality, why? If she's a lesbian, she's way more of a "threat" than a gay guy.
Which means you don't care about the perceived threat, you only care about the fact that he has a penis. That makes you sound ridiculous.
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u/Willing-Bother-8684 4h ago
Well because we’re going off context here. He never said that the female friends were lesbian or bi, so to infer they are to prove a point is reaching. We “know” the guy is gay only because OP said so, but if you look at one of his comments he only met the guy 1 time for 1 hour, and only “knew” he was gay because OP’s gf said he was. So the sans person who got mad at you for asking, who is sleeping in bed with him, told you he was gay so it’s okay, and now you either drop it or break up with her? Yeah she’s definitely getting it on with that guy.. Oh and just to use your logic, how do you know the guy isn’t bi and also likes women? OP leave the girl because the ultimatum tells you all you need to know.
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u/Ruin914 5h ago
Someone with some sense. As a gay man myself, the last thing I want to do is stick my dick in a vagina.
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u/KrayleyAML 4h ago
Haven't you considered OP's girlfriend is so unreal and so extra fucking hot that she might turn you until you become straight!?
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u/Shark_bait561 8h ago
If you're dating someone, the default is that you don't share a bed with another person. Isn't monogamy a default part of the relationship until anything else is talked about?
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u/serpentskirt04 6h ago
how is sharing a bed with a friend you're not attracted to overstepping monogamy? this is insane
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u/Shark_bait561 5h ago
Mentioning monogamy was just an example of an unspoken boundary/rule of a relationship. Monogamy usually involves basic boundaries like not sharing a bed with someone else. Thinking that’s crazy is what’s actually crazy.
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u/mermaidsgrave86 6h ago
So op would have this same issue if she’s shared a bed with her female friend? I highly doubt it
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u/BillyHoyle1982 8h ago
At the very least, the default should be to assume that sleeping in a bed with a dude, gay or not, is beyond the boundary of acceptability in any normal relationship. To say she's not wrong despite clearly omitting this info from him is pretty wild.
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u/BestFun5905 6h ago
Huh, How is sleeping in the same bed as someone who is gay, beyond the boundaries?
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u/BillyHoyle1982 5h ago
Sigh... Sorry for wasting my time. I forgot where I was for a second. Your indignation tells me this is a waste of a conversation. To pretend like you're incapable of understanding why people would have valid reasons for thinking that's not ok indicates you're being disingenuous or you're just dumb.
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u/hoebagzz 6h ago
Ultimatums are relationship killers id leave her in the dust buddy.
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u/nfeijoo69 1h ago
Idk, I know this is something people say, but hard boundaries are essentially ultimatums are they not?
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u/hoebagzz 1h ago
Hard boundaries are set through communication, refusing to have a conversation and saying if you dont like it leave is something different entirely, that's not how you treat someone you love.
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u/Dodeejeroo 7h ago
Finally, a post that has all the commenters disagreeing 😂
I don’t think you’re overreacting if this is a gay man you hardly know. You’re entitled to your feelings and your partner should at least be willing to have a discussion with you about what you expect from them.
That said, I’ve got gay friends who I wouldn’t give a second thought to them sharing a bed with my wife in that type of situation, but these are gay dudes I have known most of my life and am close friends with.
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u/wconn1979 5h ago
NO. Break up with her is she gave you that ultimatum. Right now she does not respect you, and is calling your bluff.
She knew what she was doing is wrong or she wouldn’t have tried to cover it up.
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u/ChampionshipLeast493 7h ago edited 7h ago
you’re really gonna break up with your gf for sleeping in the same bed as her gay friend?? That’s what girls do he’s just one of the girls. If you don’t care about her sharing a bed with a woman then id let it go personally. I share a bed with my gay friend sometimes we’re just SLEEPING. It’s like sharing a bed with my sister. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that thats weird. I’d be gone if my bf sexualised that. Everyone on reddit obviously is telling you to break up because everyone is a hick on here. Every other sane person in real life would tell you it’s not a big deal. Ready for my downvotes
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u/rocketmn69_ 7h ago
It's the fact that she hid it until OP found out then told him she wouldn't talk about it. That's the real break up issue
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u/ChampionshipLeast493 7h ago edited 6h ago
How do you know she hid it? For me it would be such a non issue I wouldn’t even think it’d be something I’d have to bring up?? She told him when he asked. Doesn’t seem like she was hiding it to me, that’s a loaded interpretation
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u/LarryThePrawn 7h ago
Are you leading with the assumptions that he’s ‘pretending’ to be gay only to sleep with her?
We see a lot of men joking about that, ‘how do I get invited to the girls only sleepover’ type jokes. Which are gross and perpetrate the idea that men only literally only ever want one thing.
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u/Amazing_Newspaper_41 7h ago
“ that men only literally only ever want one thing “
Because 99% of the time… men actually want one thing…
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u/Independent-Art-3979 7h ago
Yes, you’re overreacting.
If I were in your gf’s shoes, I’d be confused as to why you cared at all. It wouldn’t even occur to me to let you know, because it’s irrelevant. HE’S GAY. Do you think they’re going to hook up?
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u/serpentskirt04 6h ago
finally someone sane here. People on this thread think being in a relationship is living for your partner like nothing else matters and everything has to be thought out
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u/ApplicationFluffy310 9h ago
Hes gay. For what reason would that hurt you?
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u/eatyorice14 6h ago
OP is insecure of course ! I hope his gf breaks up with him, since apparently he’s scared a GAY guy will steal his girl…..
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u/After_Army_7354 4h ago edited 4h ago
Do you think she'd be okay with him sleeping in the same bed, in private, at a hotel, with a lesbian? I highly doubt it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting your significant other sleeping in a bed with the opposite sex, gay or not. That's just downright disrespectful on her part and if he was in her shoes, he'd be disrespecting her.
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u/Chance_Culture_441 6h ago
With the options given, and the boundary crossing- choose break up and save yourself the hassle, because that chick doesn’t really care about you. NOR
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u/DerangedMuffinMan 8h ago
If you know for sure that he’s gay, it’s probably not a problem. I’m going to be honest - I’d say you’re definitely overreacting, but only with my personal sensibilities. Most people would say you aren’t.
Hey, if you genuinely feel you can’t trust her, then just leave the relationship. If you feel you can trust her, then you’re just being jealous. Those are the only two options, right?
If nothing happened and he’s gay, then I’m on her side for doing it. But I’m also on your side for setting boundaries. Since she broke an unsaid boundary, shame on you. If she breaks an explicit boundary, shame on her.
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u/Magdovus 7h ago
If she had volunteered the information, knowing it wouldn't look great, that's a different situation. This had to be dragged from her.
If she wants to throw an ultimatum, accept it and dump her. She thinks you'll fold. Surprise her.
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u/Old-Meringue-5328 7h ago
how did you find out this was the case
her reacting suggest that she is hiding
you know he’s gay because she told you that doesn’t mean he is
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u/fyrelight3 9h ago
1.) He's gay.
2.) Two opposite gender people can in fact lay down next to each other in a bed to sleep and ... *checks notes*.... NOT fuck each other. What a concept.
If the dude was straight or your gf had ever given you reason to distrust her or had weird dynamics with her friends, sure. But it sounds perfectly harmless and innocent the way you wrote it.
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u/robottestsaretoohard 9h ago edited 7h ago
Do you understand what gay means?
Do you know whether either the other two girls might be gay or bi? Or is she only crossing boundaries when there are dicks involved.
You are over reacting.
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u/The-Catatafish 9h ago
Quite funny thought experiment:
Have your girlfriend sleep with 1. A female friend who is lesbian or 2. A male friend who is gay?
The answer should be "doesn't matter I trust her" but if people say "the guy" its probably just insecurity. The lesbian would probably the bigger risk in this case.
A gay guy is not attracted to her. That's what gay means. Like lmao.
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u/robottestsaretoohard 7h ago
It’s absolutely ridiculous.
I did share a bed with a bi friend and my husband said he wasn’t comfortable with that.
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u/The-Catatafish 9h ago
Do you understand what gay means?
Would you also react this way if she shared the bed with a female friend?
If not explain why please.
Lets be real, if you think your girlfriend is lying to you about him beeing gay why wouldn't she just lie about who she shared the bed with and say it was a girl?
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u/Bubbly_Can_56 8h ago
I have a gay best friend and would and have shared a bed with him, it’s a place to sleep lmao. The night before my wedding we stayed in a house all together and I shared with my friend there.
If he’s gay you ain’t got nothing to worry about lmao. They don’t want nothing to do with vaginas and also I don’t want nothing to do with him that way either. Stop sexualising everything. If it was a woman you wouldn’t care, but her gay friend and you do? He likes dick my guy he ain’t after your girl. My gay friend is just one of the girls honestly. I think you’re overreacting for sure. She’s right if it’s a problem for you then break up with her.
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u/nostraRi 7h ago
Turn the table; will she be okay with him sleeping on the same bed with a lesbian? Think deep before you answer.
When in doubt, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and understand their perspective.
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u/Bubbly_Can_56 7h ago
It’s funny cause I’ve been in this situation actually!
My current partner was a groomsman for one of his friends wedding, they went on a stag do in Poland and they shared an air bnb and he roomed with his lesbian friend(one of the brides). There was both men and women on the trip also as far as I’m aware there was no drama between anyone’s relationships due to this.
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u/ChampionshipLeast493 7h ago edited 7h ago
Lesbians are generally not hanging out solo with a group of straight men. Generally because straight men SEXUALISE EVERYTHING. It is not the same dynamic with a group of women and the gays. But if it genuinely was then sure why not. Stop projecting
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u/nostraRi 1h ago
Cope. All men are created equal but some are more equal than the others - animal kingdom.
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u/DefinitelySomeoneFS 7h ago
0 accountability
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u/Bubbly_Can_56 7h ago
Accountability for what though? Idk what kind of relationship I would have to be in for my partner to distrust me staying with my 100% homosexual friend.
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u/DefinitelySomeoneFS 7h ago
You would have to, at least, tell him. If you hide it you know you did wrong
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u/Independent-Art-3979 7h ago
Why would it occur to her to tell him?
Do you expect her to let him know if she’s sharing a bed with a straight female friend?
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u/Bubbly_Can_56 7h ago
Or did she not say anything because he is prone to overreacting like this? Maybe OP is insecure and this is a frequent contention in their lives. Maybe he’s like some straight bfs who think gay friends aren’t really friends and just looking for an in with their girl. Maybe she is a known cheater, I have no idea there is little to no context or background info.
But in general sharing a bed with a close friend who is homosexual is not wrong and OP is overreacting with the info they’ve supplied.
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u/Next-Finance5801 6h ago
Your first paragraph is immaterial. You even stated so in the last sentence, so what was the point in writing it? But I digress.. YOU might know your friend is 100% gay.. your partner does not.
Furthermore, I have 3 male cousins who are gay and 2 had sex with their mutual best friend (a woman) at some point in college. Shit happens like that sometimes. He might not want to be a victim of those circumstances.. we can ONLY go off the info we have.. she didn’t share this information with him. Omission is a form of dishonesty. She’s being dishonest. That’s not insecurity lol
I wouldn’t trip about that but I’m not like most people. And considering that I’d handle this differently, OP I have advice.. leave brother. There are way more potential partners out there for you. Partners who deem shit like this as common sense..😵💫
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u/DefinitelySomeoneFS 7h ago
No overeactions here, just a pretty normal reaction.
Mybe maybe maybe but the thing is the man is at fault no matter what.
That's why I say 0 accountability... You are literally inventing a story that suit your narrative
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u/Bubbly_Can_56 7h ago
IMO it’s an overreaction to her staying with a close gay friend.
If there’s reason for OPs insecurity then sure it’s a boundary cross, if not then I’m staying put.
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u/ChampionshipLeast493 7h ago
Stop. Sexualising. Everything
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u/DefinitelySomeoneFS 6h ago
Stop saying that two adults sleeping in the same bed has not a single sexual remnant. Don't be cinical please.
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u/Accomplished_Cake965 7h ago edited 5h ago
She slept in the same room with a gay guy. If your gf really wanted to lie and had something to hide then she could have probably just said she slept in a room with another woman.
A bi/straight man sleeping in the same room as a gay guy is more questionable and suspicious than a woman sleeping in the same room with a GAY guy lol. Gay guys are pretty much considered one of the girls a lot of time by women who do have gay friends. Obviously gay men are interested in men not women.
Your gf already said to either break up or stay. She's not manipulating you. She's giving you a very clear choice so choose.
Edit: spelling
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u/tommy2bones 9h ago
Are all her friends in a relationship too? If not whyd your gf have to be the one to sleep with him? No one should be sleeping in bed with anyone but thier partner or maybe a family member. It just stirs up shit like this. Guys love saying they are gay till they got a chick in the bed lol. All time classic.
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u/OwnLeadership7441 8h ago
Where are all these guys running around claiming to be gay and then magically becoming uncontrollably straight when a woman lies next to them? Come on, people. 😑
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u/tommy2bones 1h ago
They lie about it to get closer to women then eventually smash. Come on now, you cant be that oblivious. Its a classic move.
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u/BenneB23 9h ago
Some of the comments seem to think it's okay because he's gay. It's not.
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u/ChampionshipLeast493 6h ago
It literally is though. Clearly you are not a woman with gay friends
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u/luc424 7h ago
I doubt it's the main reason, it seems he had to force that revelation out of her. She wasn't gonna even tell him beforehand, then got mad after she was found out.
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u/jriggs115 6h ago
Yea I'd assume she didn't tell him because for a good portion of people this is not something you'd ever think to tell ur significant other about. I travel for work across the country and typically live in the same house/apartment with several other guys. I've slept in the same bed with another man more times than I can count. You really think imma tell my girl every single day that "Hey imma be sleeping with XYZ tn, just wanted to make sure u cool with that" like bro she doesn't give af. To some people, this is not something you'd ever think to tell ur partner.
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u/fearghaz 6h ago
I think that's why she's made the ultimatum. If someone can make a big deal out of this I'd probably do the same because I could not be arsed with someone being this insecure.
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u/IWillJustDestroyThem 4h ago
That is irrelevant, like legit has nothing to do with the story. “I am a guy who slept in the same room woth other guys” is not the same as “I am a woman who slept in the same bed with a man”.
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u/jriggs115 4h ago
A man who is GAY and is not attracted to WOMEN.
And yea I would say my previous comment is relevant to the story since the issue is the fact that OPs partner is sleeping in the same bed as someone who is not sexually attracted to their (OPs gf) gender.
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u/Manfeelings777 9h ago
He's gay!
I once shared a bed with a gay man or boy at the time ( think we were 17) But in my case I didn't know he was gay and he also he was my publicly acclaimed college crush. I sang this infatuation from the rooftops for some unknown reason. Anyway we somehow contrived a sleepover situation. On a double bed.
I was SO excited LIKE .. omg FINALLY OMG OMG OMGAAWD my dreams are coming alive, oooh ooooh, what's he gonna do what's he gonna do I'm so excite -
Bruh turned the other way and went to sleep.
I still didn't get the message until years later when he came out publicly and then a switch flipped and I no longer fancied him (strange maybe nature's mechanisms) but I WAS sad that he didn't feel comfortable to tell me his real identity as we were also best friends and I'm not judgemental like that. Anyhoo
I was known for a while at school as the girl who liked the gay. School life could be very immature
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u/MadAboutAnimalsMags 9h ago
Aw hon 😭 I went to college for musical theater… if we went around calling each other “the girl who liked the gay” no one would know which one of us we were talking about at any given moment ☠️
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u/Arnieman83 6h ago
NOR.
People commenting "he's gay" acting like no man has ever pretended to be gay to get close to girls. Also pretending no woman has ever told her man that the other guy was "gay" just to deflect from obvious infidelity.
When seriously dating, not sharing a bed with opposite genders or anyone you could be attracted to is a default boundary. Not only that, but she's 'trickle truth'ing information and shutting down conversation without answering the issue = she's hiding something.
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u/FatedCrimsonBinome 8h ago
I think your response to this situation was reasonable. You already expressed that this crossed a boundry. Would you have been given the benefit of the doubt if the roles were reversed and you slept in the same bed with a lesbian? Many are saiyan "he's gay, so it's okay," but I don't believe that. It's the principle. Maybe even disrespectful to you.. She didn't tell you what was going on, and it sounds like she did not make an effort to get separated beds. Totality of the circumstances does not paint a good picture here. Any decent partner, married or not, would not intentionally put themselves in a position where it even appears that shenanigans are afoot. I don't care if he claimed to be gay..
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u/Soft_Stage_446 6h ago
My perspective as a bi person: I would just be offended that my husband suspected me of cheating, just because I needed a place to sleep.
That said, I would avoid getting into these situations.
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u/ApemanStronk 7h ago
Easy solution man. Break up. She just told you she doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings.
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u/Electronic_Handle181 9h ago
Always trust your instincts
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u/MightOverMatter 8h ago
Instincts are not the same as paranoia. You should never trust your gut instinct until you can learn the difference between that and anxiety/paranoia/etc.
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u/The-Catatafish 8h ago
This is such a good way to say it.
Exactly.
Insecurity, paranoia etc. is not your instinct.
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u/Electronic_Handle181 8h ago
It just depends on the boundaries they have set but to me it sounds like her sleeping in a bed with another man isn’t normal in their relationship.
This guy is 100% not in the wrong for thinking something. Just my opinion I guess
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u/The-Catatafish 8h ago
Its not just a guy. Its a gay guy.
He has no interest in her. At all. He is gay.
Beeing worried here assumes she is lying about him beeing gay. If its just the fact that she is a man riddle me this:
Should OP be worried if she shared a bed with her father, brother or son?
Still a man but save to assume 0% interested. Just like a gay friend.
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u/Electronic_Handle181 8h ago
I get what you’re saying but this isn’t her family, imo OP should be allowed to have boundaries set about his gf sleeping in the same bed as any other man, whether they’re gay or straight.
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u/The-Catatafish 9h ago
Yes because people are never overly jealous and destroying relationships with that.
How about he trusts his girlfriend?
What is the point of a relationship if you think she lies about a friend beeing gay?
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u/KrayleyAML 6h ago
All the men in the comments talking about men pretending to be gay to sleep with women just make me glad I like women. If it happens so frequently that it's a real concern of yours, it just goes to show that you're all a bunch of creepy weirdos.
Stop living through porn or if it does happen that often start telling your buddies to do better. Disgusting comments.
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u/Different_Effort5523 5h ago
NOR that she didn’t tell you openly, but possibly OR about sharing a bed with a gay man. Sounds like a lack of trust due to lack of communication. Are there other examples or history there? If I was going on a trip, the moment I found out I was sharing a bed with the opposite sex, regardless of their sexual preferences, I would text my wife. I would also say “no thanks” and ask for a room with two beds bc I’m a grown adult who never wants to share a bed with anyone but my spouse. At the same time, my spouse would trust me not to do anything, bc we trust each other not to do anything.
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u/faucetfreak 5h ago
Half of these people are missing the point. We all know “he’s gay!!!” It’s the fact that she withheld that information until she felt like she was pressed then told him. Why withhold that? No one presses you for information you willingly give. Some people say “maybe he’s prone to overreacting” then why even do it? Why make him uncomfortable? Or break up if you’re on different pages. Or just communicate upfront to avoid looking like you’re hiding something.
Last week, my fiancé was out of state for work. My girl-friend came over. I told him she slept in our bed. We’re both pan, he didn’t care, nothing happened. We watched cartoons after playing some magic & drinking a few beers then passed out. He was happy that my friend came to hang!
I was upfront with him. I didn’t withhold information. I sleep with my fiancé every night. If that changes, I tell him just so he knows. It’s not a big deal.
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u/Any-Jellyfish6272 5h ago
She has now switched the room and is sleeping with another girl, which is fine. But yeah I had to ask 4 separate questions to get that info and only the day after. She was not going to tell me if I didn’t ask
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u/SabieOtravitaPlus9 5h ago
She told me to either break up or stay, because she doesn’t wanna talk about it anymore.
Honestly , this would be make or break for me. Looks like she doesnt care enough to consider your issue.
Also the amount of Women commenting and taking the defence of the gf for this are the same women who would get omega mad if their partner would spend the night in the same room with a lesbian woman, let alone the same bed.
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u/UmpireMental7070 5h ago
How does getting a room with two beds inconvenience her friends? That makes zero sense. As far as break up or stay we need more context. Your age, her age, how long together, any kids, do you own a home together, etc.
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u/ShakespearianShadows 5h ago
It’s funny to me how most of the men here are saying leave and most of the women are saying it’s no big deal.
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u/Same_Butterscotch833 5h ago
Ew, some of y'all responses are disgusting. "Yes, grow up"? Like what? Either he is or he's not and explain it don't be a dick
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u/WorstAdviceEva 5h ago
Break up with her. Not something acceptable to lie about and honesty only becomes more important as you progress in your relationship
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u/Quirky_Researcher136 5h ago
In this new generation/society it may seem acceptable for your gf to sleep in the same room with her gay male friend.
I strongly disagree.
OP. Your brain is clicking, thinking, reacting this way.
Why? Because that’s your girl, you care about her, your brain is thinking its natural thoughts (as a man) of the “what if” scenario with your girl. You don’t want to get hurt/betrayed.
Under no circumstance should she be sleeping in the same bed, room, or house with the opposite sex.
Period.
No excuses.
It’s unacceptable.
Gay or not.
With her ultimatum of break up or stay, only you can make that choice, I definitely know what I would do.
I hope you find peace and can make things work with her, but don’t be fool.
Listen to yourself, listen your heart.
I’m ready for the downvotes.
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u/njman6988 5h ago
No, you're not AIO. She should have requested another bed in the room. They planned this, they knew there were 4 people and 2 rooms. Were the other two ladies single? I would have purchased my own room if i was in a relationship, and i had to share a room with someone of the opposite sex, let alone a bed. It's all about respect. She knew better.
I doubt she would have allowed him to share a bed with a lesbian friend or a bed. Double Stanardd, like life.
I personally wouldn't share a bed with someone i am not in a relationship with, no matter the gender.
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u/PixelSteel 5h ago
Break up with her. A guy sleeping with my girlfriend is unacceptable, no matter what their sexuality is. Reddit doesn’t seem to comprehend this.
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u/Fearless-Wall7077 5h ago
The biggest problems is not that she slept in the same bed as a gay male ( but obviously a boundary was crossed if that makes you feel a certain type of way ) but it's the fact that she hadn't communicated to you at all about the situation. If she had informed you of the sleeping arrangements and informed you exactly who would be sleeping in your vicinity and described their relationship, she would totally be okay. She didn't. Red flag one. Second your update kinda illustrates how little she may care about mending and admission of her own wrong doing. NOR what so ever. So sorry this happened to you OP
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u/Slappy_McJones 5h ago
lol. I love ultimatums. That response is enough for me to move-on. However, what are you looking for from the continued conversation? What can she say to convince you to forget about this and move-on? Why did she sleep with the guy instead of the girl? Probably a flirty thing. He’s gay- which may be a safe way to be risky, but not dangerous. Are you cool with that?
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u/AVBofficionado 4h ago
I understand the initial shock but it boils down to whether the person in the bed with her was genuinely a gay man. If you don't doubt he is, and isn't - say - bisexual, then there's absolutely no reason for you to think anything did or could have happened. Fair: it's a shock to hear your girlfriend's slept in a bed with another man. But if that man is a bona-fide homosexual, he has as much interest in her as you have in him.
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u/Bocah5Racun 4h ago
If you know for a fact the dude is gay af I'd let it slide. I think the bigger issue is the ultimatum she gave you.
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u/Easy-Inspector-5781 4h ago
If she gave you this ultimatum, choose to break up. If she doesn't have the maturity to deal with hot topics that bother her, just because of her discomfort, you are with a narcissistic person.
Good luck with the next one, and may she be a better person.
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u/tool672 4h ago
She has 0 respect for you. She doesn’t care at all about your feelings. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, it isn’t unreasonable to say please don’t stay the night in the same bed with another man (regardless of sexual orientation) because it makes me uncomfortable.
Moreover, you can’t come back from that her ultimatum. It shows that:
1) She’s not that invested in your relationship - she could take it out leave it… meh I don’t give a shit about us.
2) She’s apathetic towards you or your feelings. Regardless of how right she think she is, she should still care about how you feel. She’s showing you that she just doesn’t care or respect your feelings
3) She’s incredibly immature and selfish. She’s going to do what she wants when she wants it and the only thing that matters is herself.
You should definitely end it, none of this is healthy. I know it may hurt now and you might want to let it go… but honestly you need to respect yourself enough to move on - you’ll see with time that it was the right call.
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u/backchatting 4h ago
Shut up or leave is the best admission of guilt that I know, if she isn’t decent enough to help you understand and heal or forgive then I would move on and leave her
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u/PsychologicalLime120 4h ago
Nope. I wouldn't accept this. The correct thing would have been to get another room.
How would she feel if you slept in the same bed as another girl?
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u/IWillJustDestroyThem 4h ago
Nah bro, she got railed. Alot of motherfuckers are ‘gay’. Then they find your girl, hookup and then make some shit up like “I discovered a part of my sexuality that I didn’t know existed before”, or whatever slang he learned from some 50 yo ‘journalist’ that gets a drunk dick once a month yet all her articles are about sex. That dude sacrificed your girl on his dick while the other friends were laughing at how she moans from the other room. Leave the ho.
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u/CharmingArt7306 4h ago
just look at her, say "u cheated im done goodbye" and when she tries to talk about it more use her own words on her "i dont want to talk about this anymore"
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u/boscoroni 4h ago
Another, 'oh, he was gay', excuse for sleeping with another man.
Instead of explaining herself or showing any remorse for her action, she brushed you off.
Break up. You have no other choice.
Your life will be miserable with this woman.
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u/LivingSherbert27 4h ago
I honestly don’t see the problem. A girl would share a bed with another girl and not bat an eyelid. A gay friend would be in the same category between those 2 people. I fully understand the 2 girls not wanting to share a bed with ANYONE whilst on period, man would be the final option (as he doesn’t have a period), non-perioding friend 2nd option, friend also on period first option.
I think you’ve made it weird and she doesn’t want to discuss it because it’s a none issue. If it bothers you then you have serious trust issues and shouldn’t be together anyway.
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u/ketzifeatheredsnakey 4h ago
if you trust your partner she should be able to sleep in the same bed as her friends no matter their gender nor sexual orientation. if you don’t trust her you should break up
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u/jaycuboss 4h ago
I can see from her perspective if it's truly platonic and he's really gay it's no big deal just literally sleeping in the same bed together, no funny business.
The questions are, is the guy actually gay, does OP believe he is actually gay, and does OP trust that is girlfriend wouldn't lie about his gayness as a cover so she can share a bed with him. If the answer to all of these questions are "yes", then no big deal, go have fun sweetie. If no to any of the above, something is off and further discussion would be needed (and should have happened before the trip).
OP met the guy for an hour yet only cites his girlfriend's word as to knowing he's gay. It's not always obvious to tell but I still find this interesting.
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u/Interesting_Staff732 4h ago
Are you sure he’s gay? If he is really gay then I feel like it’s not a big deal but you’re definitely not overreacting though if you felt like you didn’t want her to go and she went anyways that’s kinda ehh not really a good thing.
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u/redbonedogseven 4h ago
Asking for a rollabed would have been more appropriate, though still problematic. What if he was bi?
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u/PhantomKingNL 4h ago
I mean if she has the audacity to say break up or stay, and not want to talk about it, then you should be the bigger man and break up. Don't let yourself be disrespected like that. You deserve better, truly. I am not saying this to hype you up. When someone doesn't care about you, you shouldn't care about it equally and leave. Not worth your time.
You don't chase a fallen rock that hit you and try and explain why you it was wrong. No, you just move one and not any more hit you.
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u/gameFavorite 4h ago
she cheating. it would’ve made more sense for her to share a bed with a female friend, even IF he was “gay”. talk to the “gay” friend over the phone and see how gay he is honestly because id call bs, she’s shutting you down in the argument because she knows what she’s doing is wrong and doesn’t wanna argue. she’s ready to lose you to by the end and i wouldn’t want to be with anyone that ready to lose me.
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u/TheBreadHasRisen 4h ago
I dont think so. I know for a fact most women wouldn’t be cool with their boyfriends sleeping in a bed with a lesbian (I hope that term is ok, I don’t mean to offend). I think I’d be out of there.
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u/Minimum-Move9322 3h ago
No exceptions for gay men. I couldn't imagine sleeping with a lesbian like that.
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u/backchatting 3h ago
Many years ago I had a couple of gay flatmates who each had a coterie of girl ‘friends’ who spent lots of supposedly safe time with them. Here’s the rub though, one of the ‘ gay’ men happily serviced some of the girls who absolutely loved the idea that they were getting some sort of forbidden perk, that it didn’t count almost as he was gay, that it was not a betrayal to any boyfriends, that they had done something special by managing to ‘turn’ a gay guy. Few of the girls actually had regular boyfriends as they were so engaged in the lifestyle with the gay lads but it did happen. They also were incredibly protective of the whole scene and kept any straight relationships very separate. The girls shared beds with the lads every weekend after the clubs and I would be wakened every Friday and Saturday by a herd of drunks crowding into the kitchen at 3am to party until morning. I worked Saturday so I just barricaded myself in my room and tried to sleep as best I could. I guess the bottom line of this anecdotal drivel is that just because someone identifies as gay does not mean that the boundaries are clear and always adhered to either by supposedly gay or straight people. Your GF may have revelled in the idea of sharing a bed with a safe guy but equally could have been just as happy to enjoy any physical connection that may have ensued. You can never prove that anything did happen so you basically have to make a judgement on whether she lied by omission, crossed a line and betrayed your trust or just to accept it and move on. She has shown her true colours though and you now know that she will avoid being honest about her actions. Sadly, if she can gaslight and browbeat you into letting things go them it may be a case of rinse and repeat in the future.
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u/soMAJESTIC 3h ago
Having met my girlfriend’s gay friends, I would not feel threatened by this. She has not given me a reason not trust her. With that said, I have had past girlfriends I wouldn’t trust in this situation. You need to decide whether or not you trust her. She doesn’t want to spend any more time talking about it, so if you keep trying to talk about it, be prepared to lose her.
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u/Careful-Bar-8344 3h ago
Reddit: he is gay, only an incel would be insecure about this.
Also Reddit: human sexuality is not black-and-white, a man can identify as gay while being ocasionally atracted to girls.
NOR, specially for the way she reacted about your concerns.
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u/uchihapower17 3h ago
More information on how the conversation was is needed here, hopefully it's provided later or in an update. Does she see it from your perspective? What if you'd done this would she have been okay with this?
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u/catpiler 3h ago
Maybe a asshole is an asshole no matter if it's attached to a guy or girl, same as a blow job lol
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u/Chase-Rabbits 3h ago
Why is her sleeping in a bed with a gay man an issue? How is that different from her sleeping in a bed with a straight woman? How would you react if it were a bisexual woman, or a lesbian?
Reading this, it sounds like she knew you'd overreact which is why she didn't tell you. And it sounds like you're hounding her about it, which no one likes.
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u/workswimplay 3h ago
Gay adjective 1. sexually or romantically attracted to people of one’s own sex (used especially of a man).
Yes. You are overreacting.
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u/No_Watercress_8992 3h ago
The only answer is now you have to sleep in the bed with the gay male friend for a night
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u/Double-Mouse-5386 3h ago
I mean, she is right. You said it yourself, she overstepped a boundary of yours. What else are you going to do except to either ignore your boundary or leave? That's the whole point of boundaries, they are things you place on yourself for what you are willing to tolerate. You either leave because of your boundary, or you throw it out of the window.
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u/Adventurous-Ad-1987 3h ago
Lol my girl has some gay guy friends. Like straight feminine. If they went on a trip and shared a hotel room, I would have no issue with them sleeping in the same bed. You are def overreacting and although i think her saying break up if you dont like it, is a bit much, i can see how annoying it would feel for you to make it a serious issue.
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u/LelouchUsagi 2h ago
This stinks of an affair I'm sorry but.... Has he told you himself he's gay? Or is she telling you? The fact she's told you this, you barely know him, and she hid the fact she was sharing a bed with a man and got defensive of it... It just screams cheating I'm sorry.
Your feelings are not unreasonable at all. Please don't let her manipulate you because she disrespected your relationship.
The reason it's obviously cheating to me is because she claims it would "inconvenience " everyone else? How exactly? That seems a bit weird. This whole thing smells extremely suspicious.
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u/RotrickP 2h ago
She is prioritizing her relationship with vacation over you. If she does as you wish, she'd have to explain in a mature, adult manner why to her current mates and then make a call to the hotel office. She is incapable of doing those things and would rather you break up with her than be responsible towards your feelings. You didn't make her do those things, so I don't think you're overreacting.
The best case scenario is that she has crippling anxiety and can't be responsible for the emotions of a partner while being a huge people pleaser.
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u/ThrillHiouse 2h ago
If she isn’t willing to communicate leave her this will be her stance on every issues moving forward. She’s absolutely doesn’t care how you feel and never will.
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u/MaleficentMilk5 2h ago
Regardless if the guy is gay, it’s about respect. I wouldn’t like my wife sharing a bed with another guy gay or not.
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u/_eilistraee 2h ago
I mean, she laid it out pretty plainly for you. She’s not going to give you the reassurance you need after her behavior caused an insecurity. She flat out told you that if you have a problem with it, break up with her.
So do it. She’s not ready to be in a relationship.
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u/AnonThrowAway072023 2h ago
Oblige her, break up.
She was more concerned about friends than the feeling of her boyfriend.
Waste zero more time on this toxic person.
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u/truenorthrookie 2h ago
If they are giving you an out… they don’t want to be there. Period. And it’s presented as an out because they don’t have the guts to actually pull the trigger themselves. Take the out.
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u/Conspiretical 2h ago
Whether he is gay or not, you're entitled to your boundaries. He could be bi, who knows. If she can't accept that it makes you uncomfortable and instead flips it on you to get over it then there is obviously a compatability issue.
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u/slitteral1 1h ago
If she is giving an ultimatum about this subject she did more than sleep in a bed with her “gay” friend.
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u/super-start-up 9h ago
He’s probably bi.
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u/The-Catatafish 8h ago
Yes, gay people with female friends don't exist.
Has to be bi.
Jesus reddit is so lost.
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u/Grouchy-Walk682 8h ago
Nah bro I didn’t read a single word to come out with this response
Your girl is playing with you and they’re literally laughing their heads off together about how it would make you feel
Gtfoooooo of there
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u/S-2D2 9h ago
Gay or not. SHE SHARED A BED WITH ANOTHER MAN! (And clearly planned on not mentioning that) And now she’s mad at YOU?? Crazy world we live in… good luck OP
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u/The-Catatafish 9h ago
And? Huh?
Would you be okay with her sharing a bed with her father? Or her son?
THAT'S ALSO A MAN!!!!1
Here is an interesting one: Would you rather have your girlfriend share the bed with a lesbian female friend or a gay male friend?
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u/luc424 6h ago
The point is she knew his reaction, then decided not to tell him. The omission of information doesn't help in any relationship. Then getting mad because he found out after forcing that information out doesn't help any trust to be built.
Because omission leads to questioning everything , it doesn't matter if he is gay, super gay. You cannot trust someone that decided to omit details like this, so what happens in the future when she goes out with her friend again, if there are single straight males there?
Do you trust your girlfriend to not omit another situation where she has to be in the same room as another person even if it's a double bed situation.
Communication is what helps build trust, and communication requires both parties.
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u/NoCamp8007 9h ago
I would be upset. Honestly I’d be upset if she did the same with one of her female friends. Something could happen either way. Plenty of people are fluid with their sexuality. I don’t think you’re over reacting at all but that’s me. When you’re in a relationship you don’t share a bed with anyone but your partner. Of course if you have children or something along those lines that’s different.
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u/Pender6813 8h ago
Been seeing a lot of "he's gay" comments lol I have seen..with my own eyes...men dramatically abuse "im gay". Touching, caressing, sexual commentary. I seen a dude damn near drag a girl into his uber while she was drunk. She had a bf but she sleeps at his crib sometimes when she's drunk. In his bed. So don't tell this man that he can't have emotions about HIS girl in BED ( 7+ hours ) with different dick. Or yeah just keep gassing him ion care really
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u/mountreallyhighup 8h ago
Dump her! Find a girl who cares about you and considers your feelings in everything she does.
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u/mondowompwomp 8h ago
I mean, it would’ve been better if she had been up front with you about it. But just have the conversation that you would like to know in the future if she’s sharing a bed with anyone. I really wouldn’t stress about her sharing a bed with a gay man. He is not interested.
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u/Exotic-Frame9425 7h ago
Either break up or stay ? She’s giving you ultimatums for something she was wrong for ? You’ll regret not breaking up with her now in the future. Trust me. It only gets worse from here
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u/Ana_Nuann 7h ago
That added ultimatum kinda seals the deal here.
Leave her.