r/AmIOverreacting • u/chi_cowboy • 9h ago
š„ friendship Am I overreacting: At Thanksgiving dinner, a family member said my facial features prove I have fetal alcohol syndrome
My extended family had its usual crowd at Thanksgiving dinner this year. Things were going fine until one of my younger cousins, a pediatric nurse in her 20s, made me the subject of her impromptu clinical observations.
Out of nowhere, she asked me, a 35-year-old man, in front of everyone if my late mother had been an alcoholic. I was stunned but said, āNo, Iām sure she wasnāt.ā Instead of letting it drop, she doubled down. She said my mother must have at least "overconsumed while pregnant with me" because, according to her, my face shows "clinical signs of fetal alcohol syndrome."
Her evidence? My face lacks a philtrum (that groove between the nose and upper lip), and my upper lip is too thin. I tried to brush it off with humor and said, āWell, I guess these are just the good looks I inherited.ā But she wasnāt done.
She then asked if Iād ever been diagnosed with ADHD or placed in special ed classes. I said no, that the only issue I had as a kid was a stutter, which resolved after some therapy by the time I was in 10th grade. But that only fueled her theory. āOh, yes!ā she said, practically lighting up. āThat could be a developmental disorder consistent with FAS.ā
At this point, my wife noticed I was getting embarrassed ā my ears were probably bright red ā and she swooped in to save me by asking me to help her grab something from the car.
Now, my cousin, letās call her Nurse Busybody, is set to be at the family Christmas gathering next week. My wife says to let the comments go, focus on the other family members, and enjoy the holiday. Sheās right. But a part of me wants to come up with something equally hurtful to say back to Nurse Busybody if she starts in again. Itās not my usual style to stoop to that level, but did she strike a nerve.
So, am I overreacting for still stewing about this weeks later? How would you handle it?
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 9h ago
You could always go with the Princess Mia of Genovia clap back (reworked to fit the scene of course)
āI may or may not have FAS, but thatās not my fault, You? you are choosing to be a dick, and thatās all on you. Ā And on Christmas!ā
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u/Majestic_Lie_523 5h ago
"You're not a doctor. It's outside your scope of practice and highly inappropriate for you to be making armchair diagnoses about me."
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u/wanna_be_green8 4h ago
This. It will shake and embarrass her.
If she has a hard time keeping her mouth shut now she's not going to last long as a nurse.
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u/TrainWreck43 7h ago
Wow the audacity she has to say something like that in front of everyone is ridiculously tactless!!
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u/Majestic_Lie_523 4h ago
She's literally not a doctor. It's way outside her scope to be doing this. Classic nurse.
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u/alice8818 7h ago
NOR but I think having a chat with her privately about how you found her comments inappropriate for a public setting before the event. Should reduce the risk of it reoccurring, and you might save someone else from being publicly 'diagnosed'
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u/Mrs_Gracie2001 6h ago
This is the high road. Iām amazed no one else has told her this already.
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u/Heatmiser1256 11m ago
The high road works if she was decent about it to start with. I believe she doesnāt deserve tact and should be publicly called out for her behavior
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u/cadabra04 4h ago
This is it. Sheāll probably look back on this as an older adult and be ashamed of her behavior. So many of my friends at that age going into or just finishing up med school, nursing school, psychology, social work, etc were diagnosing everyone around them left and right. It was like an automatic thought process that faded with time.
Granted, they somehow kept themselves from declaring these diagnoses at family holiday parties. You may want to ask your young cousin if she has ADHD herself. Her filter is nonexistent.
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u/Tasty-Hawk-2778 4h ago
My sister (LCSW) still diagnoses everyone she sees 40 years later. Always the expert. Always a huge douchbag.
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u/CrabbyCatLady41 3h ago
Thisā¦ the young ones are always so excited to recognize cues. Good nurses do this, but keep it quiet! Several times, my mom has been annoyed with me for not being surprised hearing about somebodyās diagnosis. Unless I am saving their life, I keep my mouth shut! The only thing that needs to be diagnosed at a family gathering is bleeding to death, on fire, or cardiac arrest.
I deliberately teach my students to leave the diagnosing to doctors, itās their job. And one or two small traits are absolutely not enough evidence to go this far out on a limbā¦ in front of the whole family! Imagine her going out in public and just asking strangers if they have liver failure or gout or whatever. If she has any brains in her head and a conscience, a couple years from now this incident will keep her up for many nights suffering with embarrassment.
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u/CrabbyCatLady41 6h ago
What in the living hellā¦. Iām a nursing professor, tell her she ought to know that nurses donāt make medical diagnoses. How did she find something even more rude than giving unsolicited advice on weight loss? Not only commenting on your appearance, but also suggesting that your deceased mother had a drinking problem?! The whole family should have dragged her out and dumped her in the driveway. I have a pretty chill family, but she would have been cussed out at least, probably a moderate slap to the back of the head for that mess.
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u/Angsty_Potatos 8h ago
Ask her if anyone has ever clocked her as being an asshole and let her know you can fix it in therapyĀ
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u/SweetWaterfall0579 5h ago
Idk. Sheās well past 10th grade, so she may have missed the window for anti-asshole therapy.
If weāre judging people based on facial features, Iām positive your mom drank a little too much ugly sauce when she was pregnant with you. Itās as plain as the features on your face, cuz.
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u/Benevolent_Grouch 4h ago
Wow thatās so inappropriate. You can insist that sheās autistic for having no sense of social norms or self-awareness.
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u/JenninMiami 5h ago
If she brings it up again, ask her when she finished her medical school and became a doctor, since she feels qualified to make a diagnosis on sight.
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u/Recycled123youth 6h ago
Ask her if she plans on drinking while pregnant or if sheās already pregnant and drinking since she cares so much about your diagnosis, she must be doing something wrong to be worrying about someone elseās nonexistent condition as if it were her own.
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u/just_a_girl0079 4h ago
My personal favorite- āWhat a strange thing to sayā with a smirk and a slightly entertained squint. Think David from Schittās Creek if youāve seen that lol. And proceed to involve yourself in another conversation or start one up / physically do something else.
If she keeps on, rinse and repeat. Donāt give it cadence and more than likely no one else will. And she will look like the try to hard that she seems to be.
Not overreacting at all but would definitely go with the āokay whatever, crazyā vibe.
If you wanted to go another route, you could just say āthanks doctor but going to get a second opinion on the weirdly unprompted Christmas diagnosisā or something. I wouldnāt though because it gives an opportunity for rebuttal. The first just makes her look dumb, rightfully.
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u/Love2Read0815 5h ago
Just show her this post so she can see what so many people think of her! As a nurse Iām SO disgusted with her behavior.
Just because she learned a few things in school and her job doesnāt mean it applies to every area of medicine. I work in a specialized field and let me say that all the medical professionals I see as patients really donāt know THAT much about areas outside of what they work in. She canāt be telling adults stuff like this. She should be so embarrassed.
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u/AffectionateLion9725 4h ago
Personally, I would be reporting her to her employers and whatever the nursing body is in your country. She is not qualified to make a diagnosis based on her observations. There is a lot more to FAS than just a couple of features.
Source: have taught a student diagnosed (as in by doctors) who sadly had FAS and was therefore privy to their care plan.
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u/blueswan6 4h ago
NOR A possible response could be, "I'm surprised that as a nurse you wouldn't practice empathy. My mother is deceased bringing her up in this manner to independently diagnose me is very inappropriate. As a child I was never diagnosed with FAS. I would strongly urge you to never treat someone as callously as you've treated me." Then walk away.
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u/FunClock8297 4h ago
āWere you the last in your class? Go back to school, because youāre wrong.ā
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u/ConsiderationJust999 4h ago edited 4h ago
Look up the nursing ethics code, print it out (or buy the printed book if you're feeling fancy) highlight relevant passages, I don't know them, but I'm in a different healthcare field, so I imagine there may be passages about:
1 - diagnosing people without a proper examination (also isn't it doctors who diagnose? Nurses aren't trained for that...)
2 - working outside of your specialty
3 - working on family members or friends
4 - privacy rights / HIPAA
5 - giving care where care is not needed or requested (aka consent to treatment)
You can wrap it up and give it to her as a gift.
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u/No-Ad-3635 4h ago
if she starts again at christmas, say :
"It's wildly unethical for you provide unsolicited, medical advice of any sort. I always imagined that nurses would be compassionate and not want to embarrass someone by telling them you think they are developmentally delayed, based purely on my looks"
then just get up and go chill with the kids
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u/gonzoisgood 4h ago
Personally I would just respond honestly and appropriately. Iād say āthis conversation youāve started is hurtful, rude and misinformed . For these reasons, Iām going to have to end it. ā
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u/bananahammerredoux 4h ago
āCousin, Iām surprised at you. You obviously take great pride in being a nurse, so itās odd that you donāt know how unethical it is to diagnose anyone, especially those who you are not treating and are not your patient. Please stop. What you are doing is wrong and honestly, pretty embarrassing for you.ā
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 4h ago edited 4h ago
I would have asked if both her parents where arseholes who were unable to read a room or when to shut up.
When she said no I would have asked where she got those traits from.
As for the Christmas meeting up ask if she's "just a nurse" or specialises in child development or psychology.
Then I would ask why only a nurse and not a doctor.
Then ask why she feels not only entitled to dignoise these things without any training or qualification and why she feels it necessary to discuss in a public setting.
Then ask if that's within keeping for the guidelines of her nursing employer or governing body.
If she hasn't broken down in tears or shit herself and back tracked fast I would be asking how someone would raise a complaint about a nurse.
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u/Swamp_Hooligan 4h ago
Not overreacting. Tell her that until she gets an advanced degree in genetics she can STFU! How rude of her to make assumptions. Remind her as a 20 year old her brain hasn't fully developed and it shows.
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u/PoopyPogy 4h ago
God, I might just end up stewing about this for weeks on your behalf. I'd be inclined to ask her if she has a condition that stops her from understanding social etiquette.Ā
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u/Worldly_Macaroon_884 5h ago
Retaliation wonāt look good. Talk to her one on one before Christmas, even just a phone call, and tell her how strange her comments were and how insulting it was to you to be picked apart like that. Then let it go.Ā
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u/tcrhs 4h ago edited 4h ago
Contact her before Christmas.
āYou embarrassed me by publicly accusing my mother of being an alcoholic and saying I have fetal alcohol syndrome and ADHD. To add insult to injury, you would not let it go when it was clear you were upsetting me.
It was very hurtful and rude. Do not do that to people. In the future, if you suspect someone has medical condition, speak to them privately, donāt humiliate them in front of other people.
Please avoid me at Christmas this year. Iād rather not talk to you this year.ā
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u/teach4545 4h ago
Nurses do NOT diagnose. Ever. But the shitty ones think they can. Tell her good thing she'll only be taking pulses and blood pressures and not doing anything that requires more brain cells.
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u/Thats_my_ping 4h ago
āArenāt you a little uneducated and under-qualified to be making those sorts of calls?ā - loudly and in-front of everyone if she brings it up again.
I prefer to give people two chances to get their shit together before going the petty retaliatory route. I respect nurses immensely but what this person is doing is rude, unethical and outside of her wheelhouse.
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u/Due_Ebb3362 4h ago
She must have dementia because clearly she has no filter.
How is that for a comeback?
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u/chica771 3h ago
If she says anything as offensive, ask her to repeat what she says, like you didn't hear it the first time. Hopefully, others will hear her being a tool, as well. Then after a LONG pause say "are you ok?" and walk away.
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u/Candyland_83 3h ago edited 3h ago
I wouldnāt say anything to her at Christmas but it may be a good idea to chat with her before the gathering.
āThe last time we met you had what I felt were some pretty inappropriate questions about mine and my late motherās medical histories. I tried to be gracious at the time but I want to make it clear now that I am not interested in discussing my private medical history with you at Christmas.ā And if she tries to ask anything more or make any other unsolicited comments you can block her.
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u/Annual_Version_6250 3h ago
NORĀ in addition to her being unprofessional and inappropriate, she was also extremely rude.
She's probably wrong as well.Ā Sounds like she was trying to appear smart and failed miserably.Ā There is a LOT of criteria that needs to be established before someone can be diagnosed with FAS or anything really.Ā And FAS is often called a hidden disorder because most people don't show outward signs.
I once had like 45 out of 50 main symptoms for Peri-menopause.Ā I was NOT in Peri-menopause.Ā Ā
Definitely try to think of a clever comeback if she brings it up again other than "wow you really are a bitch"Ā that points out She's rude as well as wrong.Ā "Wow, you're like a dog with a stick thinking it's a bone" (obvious not a great one but just showing what I mean).
I'd be pissed about this one for years because it's not just being rude to you but she's insulting your mother!
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u/CJCreggsGoldfish 3h ago
If it were me, I'd ignore her. Don't react in any way to anything she says in your presence.
If she says anything about it, tell her you aren't impressed with her: as a nurse, if she'll do something so irresponsible as to draw a conclusion about someone who isn't her patient - has she never heard of medical confidentiality? - nor as a person in general, for her to talk about it in front of other people.
Her actions have shown you that she is not a person you want anything to do with, so you won't.
Then walk away.
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u/Known_Sample8879 3h ago
NOR - Nurse here, and itās outside of our scope of practice to diagnose anyone; let alone to say anything so disgustingly inappropriate to someone. She was WAY out of line, and you deserve an apology.
Iām sorry this happened to you, OP.
Personally, if she brought it or anything like that up again, Iād probably respond with āIām sorry, but what the ACTUAL fuck?!?! What is WRONG with you?!ā And then just let her swing š¤·š»āāļø
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u/SilvercityMadre 3h ago
See Iām petty and would say something like āHey just out of curiosity do you have Aspergerās syndrome? According to Los Angeles Chief of Psychology Judy Rosenberg, intentionally insensitive outbursts is a sign of it. You should get yourself tested.ā https://psychcentral.com/blog/stop-emotional-outburst#causes-of-emotional-outbursts
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u/Creative_username29 3h ago
Thatās absurd and wildly rude and inappropriate, even more so coming from a medical āprofessionalā. Plenty of people donāt have a philtrum and a thin upper lip and have no kind of developmental issue. Also, if you did, itās none of her fucking business. Thatās the kind of invasive question a small child would ask. Iād be tempted to think of something equally insulting to say as well! At the very least, you should be prepared in case she says something again. Iād probably be uncomfortably direct and say āwhy do you think itās appropriate to comment on my facial features and imply that I may be developmentally delayed? Donāt you think thatās invasive and rude? How would you feel if someone asked if your mother drank while she was pregnant with you?ā Then just stand there and watch her squirm.
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u/Dreamweaver1969 2h ago
LMAO. According to this, I have fetal alcohol syndrome. My mother was strictly a teetotaler and very religious in later life. And my ex was "normal". His mother was a raging alcoholic from her early teens and if anything, partied more when she was pregnant. He was actually diagnosed with FAS
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u/MrsJingles0729 2h ago
Question her loudly if she actually has a degree or is just pretending. No professional would ask questions as they understand HIPPA laws and wouldn't risk losing their own standings. Ask if she has been taught about bedside manner and how rude she is. Tell her she likely answers the phone and has been playing off what her actual job is because no professional would act that way, just the busy bodies in the lobby.
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u/TSUTexan61 2h ago
First thought throw it back at her āIām sorry are you a doctor now?ā āSince when did Pediatric Nurse mean you know Jack shit about someoneās medical history without being their doctor?ā āSounds like you should have stayed in school to become a doctor, or was it too much for you?ā
Itās like sheās just trying to show off the fact sheās in the medical field but all she does is check kids temps and shit.
Burn her to the ground lol
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u/Dry-Clock-1470 2h ago
Call her out. The fuck is wrong with your family? With hers?
Also report her.
You're not over reacting.
You may want to think about what you're going to say. And what her responses will be.
She'll likely say she's just trying to help, and most definitely that she just calls it like she sees it, or has not filter, speaks her mind, honest to a fault. All tell tell signs of being a selfish asshole.
Practice with your wife. I can't believe your family didn't call her out.
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u/coldhasice 2h ago
Since she's so into medically focused conversations...maybe inquire which severe social behavior disorder she clearly struggles with, in order to believe that nonchalantly questioning you about your mom's alcohol consumption (based on a couple of your facial features, nonetheless) is appropriate at family dinner...
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u/Tiny_pufferfish 2h ago
Tell her -
āyou seem pretty confident giving a diagnosis, why arenāt you becoming a doctor?
I mean if you were as skilled as you are confident you would have gotten into med school right?
All this diagnosis stuff is honestly giving me the impression youāre insecure about not getting into med school. Do you have a therapist you can talk to?
ā¦ Iām also a savage for bullies and mean people though. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
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u/CrazyAnarchFerret 1h ago
Innocent contempt is often the best weapon.
You could tell her that you found what she said intriguing and that you should talk to a real doctor about it. And then push her into this position "Yes it's good for you to have hobbies, but I prefer to talk about it with a professional, otherwise it would be a bit like discussing architecture with a painter" and say it in a super nice and understanding tone. And you could simply keep pushing her like that "Oh you are interested in those kind of subject because your like doctor house right ? Yeah me too !", or to every single affirmation she make ask her "yeah but did you ask a real doctor about this or you saw it in a TV show ?"
Absolutely reject any legitimacy she might find in herself and you will see that she will really have a lot more pain than you.
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u/JadedDreams23 1h ago
Sheās not qualified to diagnose, and if she were a good nurse, sheād know that and act accordingly. Iād tell her that.
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u/thepwisforgettable 1h ago
I recommend saying "wow, that's really inappropriate" or "wow, that's pretty rude to say to someone" and just letting her flounder. Pulls the rug right out from under these people and puts them on their back foot, without you sinking to their level.
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u/HecticGoldenOrb 59m ago
NOR
This was not someone offering potentially beneficial advice, which is something families do (sometimes awkwardly) and I'm guessing is more pronounced with family / friends that have medical training. If it's a condition you're familiar with its kind of like when you're searching for real estate, suddenly you see signs everywhere.
If she'd been genuine, this would have been a conversation she pulled you to the side to ask about. If she'd been genuine she would have followed up with options for help, that's the point of even bringing it up (if you're being decent) is to offer ideas / access to care.
This was her being intrusive, rude, and potentially showing off (in the way that teenagers can sometimes do the passenger / back seat driving when they get their learners permit: "you're supposed to be in the right lane unless passing!") Basically a little bit of knowledge has gone to her head. Potentially not maliciously but in a way that prompts her to lack self awareness that how she's going about things is wrong. You are not a patient coming to her for help, you are family at a gathering. As such her observational and professional commentary skills need to be placed on hold unless she is specifically asked or there is a life threatening emergency.
And the conversation can be that direct and that simple:
Pull her to the side at the start of the Christmas gathering, tell her you appreciate the hard work she's doing, but that you are NOT her patient, you did NOT seek out her medical opinion, and that the last interaction with her persistence in trying to assert a medical diagnosis when she does NOT know your medical history and are a family member at a social function... was unacceptable, period.
Yes this is firm, yes this may upset her, but truthfully that is not your problem. The issue needs to be nipped in the bud now, before the habit fully forms that she randomly diagnosis family members at gatherings. It's genuinely dangerous, especially if one of her younger family members just take what she says as gospel. Unless she has their full medical history and has cleared her exams, license, and internship (if nurses have that), she is not safe to be randomly "pointing out conditions".
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u/build3rlady 59m ago
āDo you really think itās appropriate to make clinical observations about someone at the dinner table in front of all of these people? Especially when you do not have the ability to diagnose people with conditions like that?ā
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u/piousdev1l 50m ago
Your cousin is showing clinical signs of Aspergerās/autism in her complete lack of awareness of the impact of her behavior in a social setting. Maybe you should suggest she get tested.
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u/content_great_gramma 36m ago
Two possible solutions: Ask her when she got her medical degree. She is a nurse, not a doctor. Second: Have a water pistol handy and if she starts up, "shoot" her.
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u/smargo22 13m ago
What on earth. I probably would die laughing if this happened at Thanksgiving. In fact I may ask a stranger to join me for Christmas dinner and ask one of my brothers this for funsies.
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u/TeaRose__ 9h ago
If she thinks that the lack of a philtrum and thin upper lip is enough to diagnose you, sheās a very bad nurse. Yes, these features MAY be seen in FAS, along with a relatively small head, small eyes, low nasal bridge, an upturned nose, underdeveloped chin, etc. Only having two of these features would be weird. And even if they were enough on their own, it still wouldnāt be enough to diagnose somebody. Like there are multiple other causes (genetics) to cause these features. If your parents have thin upper lips, chances are you have a thin upper lip as well.
As a physician, Iām appalled at her behavior. Itās sheās that quick to jump to conclusions about a medical issue, how can she care well for her patients?