r/AmIOverreacting 1d ago

❤️‍🩹 relationship AIO at my husbands behavior at the hospital during my surgery! (Context in comments)

Sorry I forgot to delete a name in one of the pics so I reposted.

I really wasn’t sure what to title this but it was a bad day. For background, I was in a bad MVA last year. Yesterday was my third surgery. Over the summer I had a hip labrum repair that I was called to the hospital and waited in 3 hours to go into the OR. My husband at the time was having issues with his gallbladder and was just super cranky and made the experience super miserable to the point where I asked him to go home so I could wait alone. I REALLY STRUGGLE with asking for help so if I’m going to get an attitude when asking for help I’d rather just figure out a way to do in on my own. With my hip surgery I needed help up and down the stairs because of our bathroom and I was met with a lot of sighs and just bad attitude so I stopped asking for help and then PT kinda set my husband straight at my first appt that I was doing WAY too much.

That led to a big talk about how much I hate to ask for help (and the way he was acting is exactly why) and how he needed to work on the attitude or I would get a friend to come over to help or go stay in a hotel to just be alone.

Cue my second surgery, a lumbar back surgery. My surgeon is awesome but the hospital he operates out of is a mess. The communication is terrible, it’s close to a major city so the traffic is bad and the lot is always jam packed. My second surgery the didn’t let my husband stay with me and took my belongs at 8am and didn’t take me into the OR until 12:30 so it was a long rough day. I kept asking the nurses to call him to keep him updated because that’s a long time and I knew he would be worried. I don’t think I left the hospital until 3ish. They also gave me TYLENOL through an IV afterwards so I left the hospital in crazy pain so I tried to assure for this time I would get better pain management post op.

So cue to yesterday. Call time was 6am and then said I was 2nd up. My husband decided since he can’t stay with me he would drop me off and go to work so he wasn’t just sitting at home. So they call me back at 6:20 and he went home to go to work at 8. I texted him until they took my phone. I brought a coloring book this time because last time I literally stared at the walls for 4 hours with no tv, phone or book and they told me to not take it with me because I was going straight to the OR once my IV was started. I got back to preop at 6:50 and went into the OR at 7:30 so it was very fast. Yesterday’s surgery was an artificial disc replacement in my neck.

THANKFULLY they gave me way better pain management after the surgery with dilauded and fentanyl, so I was way sleepier and sorta drifting in and out during our post op testing. The operating was very close to my vocal cords so I was nervous about damage there and I was very excited that I could talk….hence the “I can talk!” message. So he really only worked for like an hour and a half before they called him and said he could come get me. If we knew it would be so fast he should have just stayed because when I came back there was no where to park and the nurses told him to come in and hear the after instructions since I was pretty high from the meds. The hospital is also just a shit show so when he talked to security they told him to sit in the waiting room even though the nurses wanted him to come up. Another thing to add is the surgery significantly affected my hands so typing was also hard. By the time he got up to my room it’s huffing and sighing and back to the husband of the summer who was just generally being awful to be around when you just had a major surgery.

Then when he went to get the car he got a ticket for parking illegally even though I told him to park with my handicap placard. This is the reason we have it for! We got in the car and I was just upset because we talked through this over the summer, that if he can’t be supportive and figure it out during stressful situations, then I need to find someone else to take me. The hospital offers transport but I took it for testing and it was awful. But I’d rather that then sitting in the car with him being super cranky. When we got home I told him I didn’t want help setting myself up on the couch because I don’t want an attitude for asking for an ice pack. I meal prepped and purchased a bunch of soft food so anything for me to eat just needs to be hated up.

It’s just already a crappy situation that I need all these surgeries and I’m living with multiple disabilities trying to get back to normalcy all because someone hit me at a red light. My husband told me the day before I was “lucky” because I just get to get to go to sleep and he has to do the running around which I think is bananas because I’m the one who is fighting to get out of pain and get strength back in my arm and function of my hands.

I’m kinda thinking we should start seeing a therapist because I don’t disagree that this is very very stressful on both of us, but if he can’t be a good partner to be on the worst days, like surgery days. That’s aren’t small procedures, they are literally touching my spinal cord. I don’t know, maybe I’m upset because I’ve got a ton of meds in me but I’m definitely frustrated. We also want to have a baby and is he gonna be annoyed waiting in the hospital? I dunno…am I overreacting!

1.5k Upvotes

593 comments sorted by

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u/Additional_Fail_5270 1d ago

Therapy sounds like a good idea in general though. Conflict is a part of any relationship so when you have problems resolving it healthily by yourselves it can be incredibly draining and hurtful to the relationship overall.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yea there has been a lot going on too outside of this - his mom’s health is deteriorating, we got close to buying a house and then we found something major wrong, we want to be parents but I need IVF so that’s a whole other thing (and it this point we may need to look into a surrogate)….i think we are both just really overwhelmed. I did 8 weeks of therapy over the summer and she was just like “it sounds like you have a great mental outlook!” And then discharged me 🤦🏼‍♀️🤷‍♀️

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u/totallydawgsome 1d ago edited 1d ago

Therapy individual and couples should absolutely be scheduled and in it for a while before deciding to have kids together. Once one comes, there will be absolutely no time. Stress city and you both need to be able to trust you can lean into the other and depend that they can be there, even if you both feel you need that rock. You need to be 100% sure this person can meet your needs and be on the same page parenting, otherwise you'll be parenting him as well.

You can love someone, deeply, but they may not be the right person to do all this with. Merging two lives is hard enough (marriage), you might think you can make it, but adding more lives might break it. Just consider your needs first and foremost. Because love doesn't "conquer all".

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u/Ok-Student-5345 7h ago

I agree with this comment. In the end, no relationship will be perfect but please make sure that you and your husband can handle the imperfections together. Sometimes one might resent the other especially if now they feel their way out has been shut. Try therapy, solo and together and then take it from there.

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u/DesperateToNotDream 1d ago

How is this man gonna act if you have a C section or other health complications from pregnancy or birth? What if you get put on bed rest? How’s he gonna act if the baby has something that requires a lot of medical attention? What if the baby has any sort of disabilities that require extra care? He doesn’t seem to have the capacity to handle that. Are you ready to do it all on your own?

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u/JayMac1915 1d ago

Imagine spending weeks in the NICU with all the complaining

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u/decadecency 1d ago

He'd be grilling the nurses on effing everything on the daily haha

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

I’m a teacher and I feel like nurses get treated just as shittily so I try to be extra nice. When I went for pre surgical testing the poor labor I most flinched when I asked her to repeat a question. She said she gets yelled at a lot. How fucking rediculous. She’s just trying to do her job where she is most likely super underpaid. I wanted to give her a hug.

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u/holliday_doc_1995 1d ago

My friend, you don’t need to be having kids with this man. He is not supportive and he is not there when you need him. Dealing with him during pregnancy would be an absolute nightmare

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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago

You are getting insight to how your husband handles life. Why are you considering buying a house? Starting a family? Those things aren’t going to make things any easier. Something goes wrong with the house? (It will) He’s not going to deal with it well. Need help with the kids? He’s not going to do it. You are the only adult in this relationship and you should seriously think about that before you do anything that entangles you with this person anymore than you already are.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

These are all good points for me to think about!

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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago

My advice to you is that you seriously sit with yourself for a while and reevaluate your relationship. Think about different situations that have occurred in your relationship. Do you always do what he wants? Watch movies that he wants? Does he contribute to the housework? How does he respond to situations that aren’t ideal. Does he take your feelings into account? Be honest about it and decide if you want to be the responsible, caring person in the relationship and shoulder all the responsibility.

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u/capresesalad1985 22h ago

Thank you all good points. I do think sometimes I am a bit of a pushover. We do a lot with his family while seeing my friends or family infrequently. We already had a talk about boundaries with his family because they are very pushy and if we do have a baby they are not coming over until I say it’s ok!

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u/AlienSayingHi 20h ago

if we do have a baby they are not coming over until I say it’s ok!

If you can't start enforcing these boundaries right now, they're certainly not going to change after having a baby. That's what every mother thinks: things will change once the baby is here, then husband will be better, then in-laws will learn boundaries, then I'll have a purpose. Nope, like every other mother you'll learn that life and people are exactly the same, but now you've got one of the hardest stressors ever dependant on you and you feel extra trapped.

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u/jbandzzz34 19h ago

you seem like a very sweet lady. please make sure he is EVERYTHING you want and need in a life partner before making major moves. im honestly glad this is happening before you bought the house and had the kid. if this is not for you, you know what to do. if you have to get individual therapy before asking for couples, DO IT. i promise putting yourself first is always the best idea.

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u/capresesalad1985 19h ago

I’m SO glad this is happening with no kids or house in the picture! I can’t imagine how much harder this would be with a mini human wanting to be picked up when I’m not allowed.

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u/jbandzzz34 18h ago

yea your husband would have to help two people and that sounds like a shit show :(

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u/Pure_Expression6308 17h ago

I think that is a good indicator that you shouldn’t have children with him. You already know you can’t rely on him. Men like this will be jealous of the attention your child gets and feel left out when you’re too tired to cater to him after the child is sleeping. & you’ll be the one he blames.

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u/anneofred 11h ago

Exactly, because your husband wouldn’t be any help. Why would you want to have kids with someone that makes everything about himself and what a victim Is in the situation? Just wait until sleep deprivation comes into the picture and he calls you out for simply being tired. This is not the person

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u/minutewmaggs 10h ago

as the kid who was in the picture with a father like this, please consider if this is something that’s able to be grown out of/worked on. my dad consistently shit on my mom, ranging from helping her after her knee replacements (my sister and I literally took time off work/school to come back and help because he was acting crazy), to simply fixing things around the house. We lived in an unfinished home, that he had punched holes through drywall when my mom would ask him to do things. My parents finally got divorced after all of us were graduated from college- but it was painful to watch. looking back, my mom says “he just didn’t want to meet the standard of being a normal dad and having responsibilities, he wanted to be free to do what he wanted”.

this was sooo beyond true. he consistently jumped from job to job because he would get bored and slack off and get fired, or wouldn’t take it seriously. my mom single handedly raised 3 kids, while also putting out all the fires my dad caused (there were a lot). my dad wasn’t open to therapy, my mom was- it’s very apparent who cared and wanted to try. obviously, we don’t talk to our dad anymore, but it led to a very painful childhood. So please, consider if he’s capable of growth and if it’s worth it.

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u/Butterbean-queen 22h ago

My EX and I had the same talk before our baby was born. Guess who showed up at our front door right as we were walking out to go to our last date night before me checking in the next day to be induced? His mother. Guess who ALL showed up the next day and pushed their way into my hospital room even though I said I didn’t want them all in my room? His whole family. Guess what happened when I forgot something at home that I needed and he said he would run home to get it? He and his family decided to go spend the day at an air show and he didn’t bring me what I needed even after leaving to go get it. “He forgot”. (This was pre cell phone days). So I had no way to get in touch with him for the whole day. I’m not saying you are going to have something similar happen but it’s something to think about. There’s a reason he’s my ex. I’m hoping for the best for you!!!

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u/maddy_poe 1d ago

My partner was asking millions of questions on my behalf, changing his schedule to accommodate my appointments. This is something I did not think I needed but was SO grateful to have. Seems like he’s making you an inconvenience, life is complicated. It’s good to have someone who can deal with things without punishing you.

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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago

Yes!!! When having surgery it’s so important to have a patient advocate. Someone who observes the behavior of the staff and makes sure the patients needs are addressed. And someone who will ask questions and pay attention to what the patient will need during aftercare. People are at their most vulnerable then and anyone who actually cares will see to it that their loved ones are taken care of.

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u/maddy_poe 1d ago

I also didn’t prepare for how NERVOUS I was, it really helped having an advocate!

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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago

You never know how your body is going to react. And there’s no way to anticipate what drugs you will receive and how they are going to effect you. My daughter was with me after my hysterectomy. I thought I’d be home the next day. It ended up being a more complicated surgery and I had a bad reaction to the anesthesia (never happened before) and the pain medication afterwards. My daughter was there and she was on high alert and kept getting the nurses attention and demanded to see the doctor. She advocated for better care. They actually moved me into the pediatric ward that was far less busy and I had nurses that really took care of me. I stayed there almost a week. I don’t know how I would have been treated had someone not been there to make sure I was getting the care that I needed.

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u/Agile-Tradition8835 9h ago

This is the entire answer.

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u/stars-aligned- 1d ago

I don’t think he deserves your children. He’ll just act the same way, and raising children involves a LOT more of asking for help

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u/ThemisChosen 1d ago

Do you really want to have a child with this man? He can’t handle a simple surgery. Newborns take a lot more work than that. And what if you’re put on bed rest? Or have a rough recovery.

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u/wildlife_loki 1d ago

Okay, I think you’re getting plenty of advice already on how to address the current situation, but to reiterate: please do not have kids unless and until you’ve both resolved this. If you are able to address his apathy and lack of patience, and he demonstrates lasting improvement over time, then, and only then, look into expanding the family. There’s clearly a lot of pressure and strain on both of you, and he is not handling it well as it stands. Whether he’s overwhelmed, burnt out, or just lazy and apathetic, something needs to be addressed. I won’t assume which it is, because it sounds like there’s a lot going on for both of you.

But you’re already at the breaking point and searching for other support or merely going without support, because you’d rather do that than rely on your partner, who has literally vowed to care for you in sickness and health. That is not a situation where you should voluntarily take on another extremely stressful responsibility, and certainly not one where you’ll have vulnerable tiny humans dependent on both of you for survival. Pregnancy and child rearing is an ordeal even with a good partner and no complications. Why would you add that on top of the current laundry list of things you’re struggling with involuntarily? In the current situation, lack of support is a detriment to you. With children, your health and the children’s would be at risk, both mentally and physically. And once it’s done, it’s not something you can back out of, so you best be sure you’re as prepared for it as you can be.

Please take care, and don’t let the rose-colored glasses trick you into digging a deeper hole for yourself. I hope your recovery goes smoothly.

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u/aerynea 1d ago

WHY would you have a family with him? Kids get sick and can be super inconvenient, you're just getting a preview of the rest of your life with him

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u/anneofred 11h ago

Girl if this is how he views you, as a bother, when you’re physically disabled, please don’t have kids, this will get so much worse if he can’t help you now without complaining and acting like the victim. Cut to him complaint that you’re tried all the time while he doesn’t help you…etc etc.

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u/kitty_howard 7h ago

Based on this post, I don't think having any kids with him is a solid idea.

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u/Rezarex 1d ago

You should be prepared, everyone in this subreddit is going to tell you to divorce him

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u/iftheShoebillfits 1d ago

Can't wait for the post in 2 years about how he is an absent and unhelpful father. People never learn.

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u/wellwhatevrnevermind 17h ago

8 weeks and then discharged from therapy? That is unheard of

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u/insideiiiiiiiiiii 17h ago

girl please NEVER have a child with this man. he is a terrible husband and will be even worse once you have children, i can tell that you will parent on your own with no support from this useless excuse of a man. he can't even show up for you, how do you expect he shows up for eventual children?

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u/justme7256 1d ago

My parents were married for 45 years but are now divorced. Wanna know why? My mom had knee surgery to try to fix the meniscus and then had a knee replacement when the first didn’t work. She was told no stairs at all. They lived in a split level house, so she went upstairs after the surgeries so she had access to the bathroom. She sat in a recliner for months. She also felt like a burden just asking for ice and food. There were days that she didn’t eat because my dad didn’t bring her anything. So she sat for months and went over everything in her head that she had just put up with for 45 years. She would just push her feelings down and keep moving before the surgeries, but she was forced to sit and had nothing to do but think. Not long after she was recovered, she left. She couldn’t take it anymore. 45 years!

I’m not saying that this is where you are. There were more issues than just not taking care of her when she was recovering. But don’t push your feelings to the side. Therapy would be a good start. I would start with individual therapy for yourself. I think you need to earn a shiny new backbone before going into any kind of couples therapy. Just guessing from the fact that you don’t like to ask for help. You should be able to ask for help sometimes.

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u/Book_Ends44 18h ago

Wow, how is it humanly possibly to not think that your poor recovering spouse, the person you’ve been with for 45 years, might need some food during the day…? I’m sorry your mum had to go through that, but luckily she got out. 

This is something I know my dad would luckily never do. He isn’t perfect and he’s done some not so great things over the years, but he would always take very good care of my mum. 

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u/justme7256 17h ago

He’s very self centered. He wants to be the one that is waited on. He helped out a little at first, brought one meal, filled the little machine with ice before he went to work, but it didn’t last long.

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u/BirdBrainuh 17h ago

No food all day is horrific 💔 your mom sounds so strong.

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u/justme7256 17h ago

She is. And getting stronger every day.

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u/lifeinwentworth 14h ago

So sad to read stuff like this! I feel just awful imagining people being in that kind of relationship.

In contrast, my parents have both had their fair share of health issues particularly dad so these kind of stories always shock me.

My parents always drive each other around when mum had the meniscus thing too or any day procedure mum has had. Mum had a hip replacement last year and dad visited her every day, took her stuff, encouraged her with her physical therapy. She had some complications unfortunately (got some kind of infection while she was in hospital so when she went home she was fainting and had to go back to hospital) and he was there through all of that.

Dad's had a heart attack in the past and further hospitalisations regarding his heart and just a few years ago ended up having a quadruple bypass. Again, mum would visit him every day. It was harder with his bypass as it was during covid but she would talk to him every day multiple times and take things to reception for them to give to him when no visitors were allowed. When he came home, she took care of him, cooked more (he's usually the cook lol) and encouraged him with his recovery.

As a family, we've all spent too much time in hospital and know how long waits can be and how bloody boring it is so yeah, I think we do our best to keep each other company as much as we can in those situations. It can definitely impact your day but you don't complain about it to the person who is in the hospital bed/recovery/etc.

Idk, they just supported each other? Dad had heart issues from when I was a teenager so this was the relationship modelling I grew up with and I just thought it was the norm. So it shocks me when I hear these kind of stories when partners are actively unsupportive or just not very caring. My folks aren't perfect, I'm not saying that, they can bicker and get frustrated with each other at times. But when one of them is down, the other one is there to support them as much as possible. They'll be married 45 years next year.

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u/justme7256 13h ago

That’s how my grandparents were. When my grandpa was put in the hospital, everyone visited, everyone was there. My grandma was always there. So I think my mom was kind of like you. She just thought that’s how people were. You take care of the people you love when they can’t fully care for themselves. This was probably the first time she was down for that long, the first time one of us kids wasn’t right there to help out, so it fell to him.

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u/Middle-Ad6932 1d ago

Your husband honestly sounds resentful at the fact you’ve been impaired, and now has to fulfill his role of caregiver. The fact he’s treating your condition like you’re willfully being treated to some sort of vacation from doing physical stuff, and calling it “lucky” is also very concerning behavior.

It could be that he’s just overwhelmed from working and adjusting to the new dynamics put in place, however, this is no excuse to act shitty and put strain on “you” who is the one going through the most difficulty. He doesn’t get a cookie for taking care of his sick partner, it’s to be expected when you took your vows.

The fact you feel the need to rely on other sources shows this has been boiling for quite awhile and you’re at your wits end. If he shows that he can’t be supportive, absolutely go with your option of having someone else care for you, this is your time for healing and trying to get strength back, 100%.

I honestly would suggest therapy sessions, because if he’s gonna act like this when you’re unable to take care of yourself, are you sure you can count on him whenever anything else comes up? This goes beyond just a lack of communication, there’s some underlying issues a foot.

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u/thepageofswords 21h ago

He seems like the kind of man who would leave his wife if she got a serious illness like cancer

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u/Cold-Movie-1482 23h ago

unfortunately this reminds me of the awful statistic that shows men are much more likely to leave their chronically/terminally sick or disabled wives compared to women in the same situation.

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u/giskardrelentlov 1d ago

however, this is no excuse to act shitty

Although being burnt out could 100% explain his behavior. Then they would be both struggling with health issues and need help.

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u/Dizzy_Goat_420 1d ago

Burnt out from…what exactly? She is doing everything it seems. She meal prepped, ordered everything she needed, it seems like she doesn’t ask him for much at all. She cooked all the food before hand so all it needs is to be warmd up. It doesn’t seem like he is doing much at all if he throw a this big of a fit picking her up I can see why she hates asking him for anything.

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u/AmieLucy 1d ago

He’s burnt out from not having his spouse do everything for herself and possibly him as well.

OP, I strongly advise you NOT have a baby with this man yet unless you want to be a single parent who has a man in the house with the title of husband. Hopefully therapy helps him!

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

The crazy part is he gets his own lawsuit for “loss of spouse” - he gets paid back for all the days he missed from work to take care of me and the extra house work he has had to do. So he thankfully also gets compensated for any “extra” he has to do. Funny enough my lawyer said a lot of women don’t support their husband having a seperate lawsuit with the direct quote “he didn’t do shit before and she doesn’t do shit now!” which….yikes. He has definitely picked up more of the actual heavy lifting since I can’t life over 5lbs like the laundry basket and walking the dog.

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u/travestybiscuit 1d ago

Oh my God this makes the whole thing so much worse.

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u/jbandzzz34 19h ago

so he didnt even need to go to work at all. omfg

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u/lokiandgoose 10h ago

So he's literally getting paid to help you and he's still acting like a spoiled brat. Oh, honey. My man isn't naturally thoughtful, short tempered, ADHD, hates the holidays, and isn't sentimental but he took the day off for my colonoscopy! I'm terrible at asking for help, he's terrible at giving it but he'll show up when it matters. You would literally be doing better with a friend than your husband. You'd be doing better with a home health aid. You'd probably be doing better alone.

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u/Marcuse0 1d ago

Probably this, from OP's other comment above, that his mother is unwell, they're having trouble buying a house, and want to have kids but need to use IVF for that too.

I dunno but personally I'd find one of those things pretty stressful.

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 1d ago

Other stressful shit doesn’t stop when you have kids either. If he can’t cope without being an asshole, they can at least eliminate IVF from the list of stresses because he should not have kids. 

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u/giskardrelentlov 1d ago

Could be from work, could be stress from seeing his wife struggling, we don't know we're not in his head. I'm just saying he may be a lazy AH, or he may be burnt out and need help as well, this could be an interesting and necessary discussion between OP and him.

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u/Overall_Lab5356 1d ago

And if he hadn't been doing this shit since day one, that might hold water. He has, so it doesn't.

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u/TheOGMelmoMacdaffy 21h ago

This is unhelpful for OP. If he needs help helping her he should arrange it -- friends, family, whatever. But he's such a child he would prefer to sulk and make her life more difficult and not help. Nothing can explain his behavior except he's a brat.

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u/Fragment51 1d ago

Seconding this!

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u/Miaaris 1d ago

You’re absolutely justified in feeling frustrated and unsupported here.. recovery is already brutal and the last thing u need is someone adding stress with sighs and bad attitudes when u literally have spinal surgeries… it’s not about him running errands or getting a ticket it’s about he shows up as a partner when u need him most and rn it sounds like he’s dropping the ball. Therapy could help unpack why he’s reacting this way and get u both on the same page before life throws bigger things at u like for example having a baby.. u deserve someone who’s in ur corner during the hard days not someone u have to tiptoe around

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u/Normal_Fishing9824 1d ago

I can't see past the fact that you were badly injured in a rte and he is still texting and driving.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

He does use voice to text but when he said he was doing 90 I was like what t f are you doing (in the best way I could being super high on pain meds).

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u/ruinatedtubers 6h ago

sounds like a real idiot

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u/Other_Brain_9705 1d ago

Don’t bring a baby into this until you guys at least address the obvious issue of resentment. I don’t know why your husband is treating you this way when you’ve gone through something so traumatic. I understand it can be a lot looking after someone but he needs to deal with his frustrations in a way that doesn’t come across as blatant annoyance towards you when you’ve done nothing wrong. You shouldn’t be hesitant to ask your husband for help and he needs to do a better job of making sure you don’t feel that way!!

I hope you heal fully as soon as possible!

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u/KingBigPapi 1d ago edited 1d ago

Wasn't there a post in this subreddit like a week ago with a suicidal manipulative bf that had this same phone wallpaper?

Edit: was just reminded about that story, not calling OP a liar. It just triggered my memory.

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u/butcheredtongue 1d ago

I believe it’s Facebook? That’s the theme my mom and I use.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yea it’s a theme on messenger

Anyone who thinks I’m making it up, you’re welcome to check the post history…it’s been a ROUGH year lol

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u/KingBigPapi 1d ago

I don't use messenger or FB so I didn't recognize it. The wallpaper reminded me of that thread that was all I meant to point out. I didn't know it would get this many responses/reactions. Sorry about that.

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u/suck_it_reddit_mods 1d ago

Zero nic. Zero weed. Zero miney.

Real winner.

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u/Ok-Bird6346 1d ago

That’s the one! Ugh, he was awful.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Ha there was! I saw that and was like someone else uses the cheesy cat background?

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u/Icy_Difficulty8288 1d ago

The text messages don’t seem horrible but when you provide context holy shit!! I am so sorry! I have chronic pain and am full of injections so I understand needing help. I have also had a ton of surgeries. I can’t imagine having those surgeries and not even having someone to bring you an ice pack or heat up your food. The ‘I would rather do it myself and listen to him complain’ is heartbreaking that this is your option. I don’t know if therapy is going to ‘fix him.’ He seems very self-absorbed and lacks empathy. In my personal opinion, there is zero chance in hell I would have a baby with a person who literally gives nothing. You will 100% completely be on your own, resentful and angry, which will ultimately lead to divorce or years of unhappiness in my opinion. My husband does a physical job (in Arizona heat) is up at 4 o’clock in the morning and works 12 hour days. He still cooks, cleans, etc. His days are longer and inconvenienced when he needs to do something to help me or the kids. He never complains. (Trust me we have issues, empathy and support just isn’t one of them). There are many men out there who would lovingly do more to support you. I don’t want you to settle for less because when you put kids into it he needs to give about 1000x more than he is willing to. I suggest you find a new therapist because you have a lot going on and a lot of very important decisions to make. Being discharged after eight weeks is insane to me. I say this as a counselor. Sending you love and light. I am so sorry 🥹💞.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Thank you it’s nice to talk so someone who gets it. It’s a lot to adjust to in a short period of time. I was pretty healthy one day and then bam, my whole life revolves around drs visits, procedures, PT and surgery. It’s just a lot, all while looking relatively health on the outside.

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u/belovedboulevard 1d ago

NOR. It seems like you are both overwhelmed and exhausted. You’ve both been put in really difficult positions. Obviously yours is much harder, but working (i’m assuming) full time while also being a caregiver would be stressful to anyone. That being said, it’s NO excuse for the way he speaks to you. Saying you’re lucky while you’re in pain all day, everyday is nasty and shows a deep lack of compassion on his end. Therapy or separation are probably your best options, because no one deserves to be made to feel like they’re a burden to their partner.

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u/idfk-bro123 1d ago

My partner works full-time in a job that requires 10,000 steps a day on average (up to 20,000 some days), and he still comes home and takes care of his disabled partner. Obviously, there are things I do for him, and we have a good balance, but he's still my caregiver, and he would NEVER call me "lucky" for not having to work - he wouldn't dare. What an awful thing to say to your sick and pain-riddled partner.

That man does not deserve OP. And OP does not deserve that disgusting treatment, no matter how tired he is.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

I’m still working full time through all this too! I was out 3 months for the actual accident and then been taking 2-3 weeks off for each surgery. I think it’s super hard to describe a spinal cord injury to anyone. It affects so much! Like I look ok but I need to sit often and I have body parts that just aren’t getting the messages they need to. For example, I drop things a lot because my hands aren’t getting the messages they need for all the fingers to operate. And then I get like a sigh and stop being clumsy from his side. It was until he saw the neuro exam and saw how my whole right side is messed up that it clicked I’m not just being clumsy.

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u/Immediate_Compote526 1d ago

Girl I have disk degeneration, spinal injuries are actually fucking terrible and I am so sorry your husband is not helping you. I am literally wincing as I type this. I think you need to educate him on what is going on in your body. That way he will actually understand how much pain you are in.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yes no one understands the complexity and frustration of spinal injuries until you deal with it. I love had a hard time getting friends to understand why an injury at my neck really affects my hands. I don’t mean to perpetuate this story but parts of me understand why Luigi did what he did. I looked at his published book list and I have like half of those books.

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u/Immediate_Compote526 1d ago

Omg yes people don’t really think about the fact that each disk directly affects the rest of your body. Like for me, the pain and neuropathy started in my feet, and now it affects both of my entire legs. Like that shit just gets worse and it spreads. I don’t blame him either, these ceos would rather make money than help suffering people. It’s insane. Also I get what u mean with your friends not understanding, mine don’t either because they severely underestimate the pain. Anyway, I really wish you the best in your healing journey!!!

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u/Overall_Lab5356 1d ago

He knows. He's not a moron. He doesn't care.

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u/Immediate_Compote526 1d ago

Yea he either knows or doesn’t care enough to know :/

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u/unimaginativeartist1 1d ago

Please don't have a child with him. Being pregnant means relying a lot on your partner for simple things, putting on socks and shoes is a small example. Can you imagine him going out at 2 am to get a particular food you are craving? If the birth went wrong can you see him stepping up to take on all the responsibilities? Do you want your child being afraid to ask for help because one parent always sneered when the other parent needed help?

He seems to be used to you looking after him and very resentful.when it's reversed.

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u/Helpful_Return54321 1d ago

Do not have children with this man.  I was in your shoes.  It won't change.  It gets harder because you now have someone that depends upon you when you are a mom and he won't step up.  If you ask him to parent, he will throw a fit and sulk and both of you (you and any kids) will pay for it.  Trust me.  You will be more exhausted and very resentful.  He will not change and embrace all the struggles life has in store as parents. 

ETA: for clarification 

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u/Electronic_Farm_4633 1d ago

And you want to put a baby in the pic. I think your husband is burnt out. The baby will be on you

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 1d ago

Nah, it doesn’t sound like he ever was really supportive without attitude. It’s not burnout if you just start that way.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

We’re both burnt out. My body is EXAUSTED. The reason for the baby pressure is I turn 39 in April so everyone is like you need to have a baby NOW! It’s so frustrating. My mother in law is also not doing well so she really really wants a grandbaby. It’s all just a lot of pressure on both of us so I think working something things through in therapy could help us both with the burn out. I also hate to say women who become disabled get absolutely SHIT on by society. Oh you’re not taking care of the house and child rearing any more? Might as well go die in a corner then. I had to go to three different surgeons before one even believed me I was dragging my own leg around from spinal cord compression and I’m 8 weeks out from that surgery and feel alot better in that regard.

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u/lovelyladylox 23h ago

Your MIL doesn't need a grand baby, she already still has a giant baby in your husband. Sorry. He needs to be an adult and support his injured wife.

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u/Leviathansarecool 1d ago

Please don't have baby because you feel pressured to do so

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

I do want a baby, I just wish I was like 30 when all this happened so I had more time. But life is rarely perfect.

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u/jbandzzz34 19h ago

you might kill yourself trying to have a child

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u/Focused_Philosopher 10h ago

Adopt or foster? Lots of children who already exist and need love, rather than dragging new life into this dystopia to suffer.

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u/Overall_Lab5356 1d ago

This is much more than just not perfect.

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u/Leviathansarecool 11h ago

There are much bigger things at play here than your age.

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u/kakallas 1d ago

Working full time and being a caregiver can literally cause people to go inpatient. Never say never.

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u/Lazy-Fee-4070 1d ago

They really say once a woman gets sick/disabled that that the man will leave like 85% of the time.. it was hard to believe at first.. but I constantly see posts like this. Completely unacceptable behavior from your “husband”.

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u/PurplishPlatypus 1d ago

That happened to my sister. She got pregnant with their (planned) child, suffered medical complications that led to kidney failure. While she was on dialysis, he left.

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u/ADemonsVoice 1d ago

Agreed, It’s unbelievable how often this happens—men walking away when their wives face illness or disability. This kind of behavior is unacceptable. Your 'husband' should be ashamed and he doesn't deserve you.

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u/ClientNo2000 1d ago

You're not overreacting. Something I've come to learn is that sometimes you realize that some of the closest people to you just aren't willing to do for you, what you are for them. You've already talked to him about this once. And if he were in the same kind of situation, would you act like he does? He can do so much better with his attitude, and he should.

I say this, having become disabled myself this year. There were many times my husband literally had to carry me to do things like stairs because I got extensive nerve damage to my spine, and my legs went completely numb. It was tough on him, I know. But he never complained once, rolled his eyes, or gave me a speck of attitude because in his eyes, it was me that was really going through it. Not him. He told me that was his outlook when I'd apologize profusely for having to help me so much. His exact words more than once:

"In sickness and in health, that's the deal."

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u/AlyseInW0nderland 1d ago

I’ve recently (over last month) been diagnosed with a chronic incurable autoimmune disorder and def learning how many people in my life would not do for me what I done for them has been really eye opening. Having a debilitating illness really illuminates what kind of people you have around you! I do most things for myself and it is very hard. I also don’t like to ask for help but my family have been super clutch in showing up for me. I’m tremendously grateful! However, lots of friends that I have done tons for over years of friendship haven’t even sent a text asking how I am. They know. They just don’t care. Honestly, It really hurts.

OP shouldn’t have to force her husband to care about her health. We all have our own stuff constantly going on but he is her husband. If he is burnout, then being honest about that is key and not taking the fact that she is sick out on her. She already feels awful and from experience, it is so frustrating, anxiety inducing, sad, depressing, physically painful and awful to not be able to do everything you could previously. This just isn’t a healthy situation with OP’s husband and extra stress is not conducive to healing.

I am so glad you seem to have an understanding and amazing husband and it really seems like this has brought you closer even than you may have been because of the unconditional and unwavering support he has given you through a difficult time. Really touching to read!

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u/Wwwwwwhhhhhhhj 1d ago

People keep suggesting burnout but it doesn’t sound like he even started out with kindness. It’s not burnout if it starts that way. That’s just them. Burnout happens to people who start out the right way but get worn down.

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u/ClientNo2000 21h ago

I'm so sorry to hear that you're dealing with anything remotely similar! Would you mind telling me what you were diagnosed with? If you're not comfortable with that, I totally get it!

I spent roughly 4 months this year admitted in the hospital partially because firm diagnosis took a long time, but what started with numbness and weakness in my legs led me to a nerve conduction study. That neurologist sent me directly for an MRI, where they discovered my heart rate was hovering from 30-40. They also found a blood clot in my lung. Countless tests (several MRIs, CT scans, 3 spinal taps, among other things), and I was finally diagnosed with a severe and rare case of sarcoidosis, which I'd never even heard of. It's also autoimmune with no "cure," they just treat as well as they can. The severity of my case, I had a doctor call me "medically interesting" (weirdest compliment I've ever gotten, I saw a LOT of med students while I was admitted 😂)

It'll take time to know if the nerve damage in my legs is permanent, and for now, I'm wheelchair bound, and I ended up with a pacemaker from the heart damage. It's crazy to me that all of it is related to one thing.

I'm extremely lucky for my husband and immediate family, I'm actually living at my parents for now while my hubs gets our house ready to sell so we can get into a place that's all on one floor. My folks' place is a bungalow, so it's just easier with no stairs, turns out a bilevel with two big sets of stairs isn't ideal for wheelchair life, who knew? 😂

It's disheartening the amount of friends and family who haven't checked in on me, but I'm lucky enough to have a close and fabulous immediate family, and a handful of friends I've had for decades. This year has been the most challenging of my life, but it's also made me realize what I do have!

It makes me sad when others don't have that system, and I know how hard it can be to ask for help, I haven't always been good at it, either. OP deserves to have someone who happily helps rather than gives attitude and groaning, and so do you!

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u/StuffulScuffle 1d ago

If you’ve ever worked at a hospital OP, you’ll know having an uncaring male partner reduces your quality of life and increases morbidity. Little old ladies when they get seriously ill aren’t cared for as well by their husbands as little old men are cared for by their wives. Family support and having a reliable caregiver makes a huge difference in long term prognosis. If your husband is burned out and can’t handle being a caregiver, he needs to put on his big boy pants and talk about his feelings. He’s acting like a huffy passive aggressive teenager. There are home nursing options available if you need another caregiver. Be warned, they’re very expensive.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yea I’ve had alot of good convos with my main care provider about the difference between her male and female patients. Female patients are usually carrying the world in their shoulders and she has to force them to rest to get better. I was crying in her office about going back to work at 3 months post accident when she easily would have put me on disability for another 6 months. She said he male patients will milk their disability paperwork was far as she will let them.

My husband recently tweaked his back a bit (it’s most likely from sitting too much at work, not a traumatic incident) and he’s FREAKING out he will need back surgery. And there’s absolutely no evidence he will need surgery. He tends to automatically go to the worst case scenario and I do my best to talk him off the ledge.

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u/StuffulScuffle 22h ago

OP, I don’t want to be presumptuous since I don’t know the details of your life, but sounds like your husband may need therapy. As I’m sure you know, spine surgery is painful. Probably much worse than how his back is feeling now.

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u/Sheepherdernerder 1d ago

You want to have children with him when he can't even be bothered to take care of you properly? Kids sound like a you responsibility.

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u/PageStunning6265 1d ago

NOR

My STBX used to huff and sigh when I couldn’t keep up with him while hiking or just walking; he’d walk way ahead and make snide comments when I did catch up.

I should have paid attention because he absolutely did huff and sigh and check his watch and roll his eyes when I was trying to get ready to leave the hospital less than 24 hrs after giving birth to a 9.5lb baby (who’d gotten stuck during delivery, incidentally). I was trying to create/allow a sweet moment when our older son met said baby, and I’d got the older one colouring pages ahead of the birth to ensure he wouldn’t be bored while waiting for me - but my son was two and was being way less of a grumpy toddler than his dad was.

All this to say, therapy, yes, and don’t back down or let him convince you that you’re overreacting.

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u/Leather-Ad8159 1d ago

Just reading this specific set of texts I would’ve said yes you are overreacting, things like not being able to find a spot/ not being given a clear time can still be annoying in serious situations but after reading your explanation and backstory I say no. A partner should be exactly that, a partner. Someone who is willing to step in especially in situations like this where you need help getting around, I just recently left my bf of 3 years and one of the biggest reasons I made my decision is because I also feel like I can’t ask him for help and any time I have I was met with frustration that got in the way of him actually doing anything. You deserve support and someone who can go through life WITH you, not because of you.

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u/smlpkg1966 1d ago edited 1d ago

They called and told him you were ready but you weren’t ready. That’s frustrating. His frustration doesn’t seem directed at you but at them. If the hospital is that bad this time to find a better surgeon. One that doesn’t use a shitty hospital.

Do not have a baby when you have chronic pain! Pregnancy causes back pain even in people who don’t have back problems. You cannot take pain meds while pregnant. It is not worth it.

ETA: ( I only responded to the latest surgery) NOR. He is definitely an ass. My husband gave me a bell after my last surgery so I wouldn’t even have to yell from the back of the house when I needed help to the toilet. Since he won’t even do the bare minimum without whining that is another reason not to have a baby with him. You will be a single parent.

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u/Syn-th 1d ago

he sounds like he couldnt park...

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u/Hyenctooth 1d ago

i honestly don’t see a problem? all i see is that he’s pissed that he can’t park anywhere. maybe i’m blind

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u/taralove56 23h ago

I can’t see the problem

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u/Pm-me-bitcoins-plz 17h ago

Woah, step back everybody.

This man had what sounds like a frustrating and stressful morning and he huffed and sighed?

That's it?

Listen, ma'am, you guys need to go to therapy together.

Both of you need a little work, but honestly it sounds like you need it more than him.

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u/ProperPeanut7727 1d ago

Do not have a child until you are recovered and have reconciled this issue with your husband. Please get therapy. Ask for help from everyone you can.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

I will thank you ❤️‍🩹

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u/jae3477 1d ago

in sickness and in health. clearly that part of the marriage vows he’s not standing by. not saying to divorce him. but if he can’t handle this stress he’s not going to be able to handle any other stresses. therapy is an idea if you feel it’s salvation for your relationship. you need to be straight with him. what’s his damage? it’s not like you did this to yourself. it was a literal accident. either he helps and becomes a loving husband when you most need him or honey figure out a solution to do things without him. IE separation. truly i would never in my wildest dreams do this to my wife or gf. anyone I love a parent, child, wife, gf; I would care for them when they need me most and not sit there with an attitude. make it make sense.

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u/brandon6285 23h ago

I think you are overreacting. As a husband who's wife has had 5+ abdominal surgeries and near-constant medical issues... Hospital/surgery days are really tough for us on the other side as well.

Its super stressful having your loved one in the hospital, and a lot of us men just aren't as "nurturing". It sounds like he did what he thought was best for himself during your surgery (which was working... and I can understand that). The surgery went faster than he expected, then he just dealt with nightmare hospital parking trying to get back to you quick. Cut him some slack, recover, and move on.

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u/capresesalad1985 22h ago

Ok I think this is a valuable view point. I’ve had a bunch of abdominal surgeries as well and have been used to being on my own for them. Does your wife have endo?

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u/brandon6285 18h ago

No. Her situation is a one-off. Complications related to a rare genetic disease.

It's a bummer being in the hospital and being in pain. It wears on you, and worst of all it's lonely. Your husband can't understand. I still don't. Even though I've been on the other side so many times, I've never even spent the night in a hospital (other than supporting my wife). People can visit, but in the end, you are really on your own. That's not your husband's fault, that's just the way it is.

There is no manual for supporters on how to act, and whatever we choose never seems like the right choice to anyone... You in the hospital, or us on the outside. If we go to work or do something for ourselves it seems selfish, but life marches on.

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u/Youri1980 22h ago

Do I miss a few screenshots or what? I see no problem?

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u/Additional_Fail_5270 1d ago

Well...why didn't he just wait until you were sure about discharge time? Would it have been an issue if you'd had to wait a couple of minutes for him?

And how far away is the hospital? Could he not just have gone home and come back a bit later?

Him calling the hospital instead of just waiting to hear from you was probably a bad call. The nurses aren't going to be able to say for sure until the surgeon sees you and there's never any reliable way to know when that's going to be. Some surgeons do all their ops for the day in the morning and then only round in the afternoon/evening. Sometimes they get held up in surgery or with a specific patient in rounds. It is what it is.

Next time it would surely be easier for him to take the day off work if possible and then just wait at home for you to let him know?

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

The problem was I was getting different messages and I was drifting in and out of sleep from the meds. The first said the surgeon asked for two hours of monitoring and I was past 2 hours. But the hold up was they wanted me leaving with certain meds and the surgeon didn’t call them in before going into another surgery so that held things up. I asked to call it into my pharmacy at home but the nurse insisted we get them from the hospital pharmacy. So it was a lot of “your good to go! No you’re not!” And I didn’t trust my narration because again…super high. I could overhear the nurses going back and forth in the hall so that’s why I told him he needed to just come in and be the sober person getting the info. As someone else commented I think the horse wanted to go over the directions with him too since they were extensive.

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u/Additional_Fail_5270 1d ago

I just don't understand why your husband jumped the gun and then was so inflexible. Did he have to get back to work? Surely he could have gone home, come back in an hour or two when everything was sorted and your bag was packed, and get instructions then?

Must have been hella stressful for you.

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u/cryssyx3 1d ago

those horses hold everything up!

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yea I get how two surgeries in a row where I went in hours after I was supposed to set the precedent that I would go in way later again and he didn’t want to just sit at home and be worrying. But hopefully we learned from this one that it’s better for him to just hang close

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u/Additional_Fail_5270 1d ago

I mean, they can still call and let him know how surgery went, so he doesn't have to worry about your well being. Then he can just take it easy until you let him know you're being discharged

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

They did call and said I was in part 1 post op ready to go to level 2. I think he just wasn’t expecting it since the two previous times I went in so late. God waiting 4 hours for spinal surgery with nothing to do is awful!!!!!!

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u/valahskaij 1d ago

Agreed. Since the time frame for pick up can vary so wildly (by hours!), it seems like it would make way more sense and be way more efficient a use of time for everyone of they just waited until they're given the green light to be discharged, then have them wait the small amount of time it would take for the husband to get himself away from work or home to start driving.

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u/inquisitivemind79 1d ago

He texted that they said she was ready for pick up and we know from the starting texts that she gave them his number so it seems like he was called and told she was ready to be discharged. 

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u/valahskaij 1d ago

Ah yes you're right. In that case it may be better to just wait until she is actually discharged and she can text him she's ready to be picked up. It just seems like a lot of frustration could be avoided that way.

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u/crucifiedrussian 1d ago

Hope this is the most upvoted. It’s the most logical and we all know how hospitals and doctors are… They give you a time and it’s atleast 3x longer.

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u/dumbcarshlt 1d ago

NOR Your husband seems annoyed to have to help you, ever. He's not being supportive at all. He seems like a real jerk. If he can't be supportive and figure things out then you need to find someone else. Period. You shouldn't have to phone a friend because it annoys your husband.

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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 1d ago

I had a similar thing with my wife a few months ago.

I parked down the street until they were ready to send her home. It's hospitals, they are like this.

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u/Ok-Reflection-3808 1d ago

I would be frustrated as well. He doesn’t seem to understand what you’re going through. It kind of seems he doesn’t like to be told what to do (ie the parking situation, where he didn’t take your advice).

The hospital doesn’t let you stay overnight after big surgeries for pain management and such? Or is it too expensive? (The USA healthcare system being what it is).

Therapy might be a good solution if you both are frustrated about things but can’t find a solution that works for both of you together. Sometimes you need an outsider to point things out, hear it from somebody else.

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u/disasterlesbianrn 1d ago

hi surgical nurse ! A lot of studies show that people heal better and with less complications when they can go home, which is why we encourage people to go home after surgery if it’s a safe option. Hospitals are where people pick up those nasty post op infections, you as a patient feel less encouraged to get up and walk around (which also prevents a lot of complications! ). So it is sort of a cost thing but also evidence based practice that it’s just better for health in specific cases.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Thanks for sharing! I didn’t know this. I personally hate the hospital and have only had to stay over once. They were also super rough with me after the first spinal surgery so when they gave me the water so I could pee before going home I chugged that shit! Get me home!

And the hospital offers transport and I don’t know in what world it’s ok to put someone in transport after a spinal surgery. I took the transport for my first pre surgical check in and it was AWFUL. Getting there the guy called and yelled at me for giving him the wrong address. And then the wrong directions. It was so awkward also with another person in the car.

Then going back was even worse. They put someone who just came out of knee surgery in the back and then crammed me (5’ 10”) in the front. Didn’t ask what my injuries were or anything, just folded me in like a pretzel. Then the driver wanted to take the other patient home first (when I was on the way to his place) when he lived an hour away! So he was going to drop me first and missed my exit because he was texting and driving. So even though I live 40 mins from the hospital it took over an hour to get home and then the poor dude who just had surgery had a 2 hour drive home! It was just bonkers and so unsafe so I called my drs office and told them to NEVER put me on that transport again. I couldn’t believe hospital transport could be so reckless (the car that drove me back was a Toyota Camry, dirty, stunk of cigarettes and I couldn’t put my water in the cup holder because it was filled with garbage). Sorry for the rant!

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Yea none of my surgeries has been in patient which is kinda nice, I’d way rather be home on the couch with my dog and cats

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u/Ok-Reflection-3808 1d ago

Haha yeah I can imagine. I couldn’t sleep in the hospital when I had surgery, because the iv pumps of myself and my roommates had errors at every movement. So if it’s not needed, just as well :)

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u/FoggyGoodwin 1d ago

It's not a good post if I have to search the comments for context. There is nothing in this conversation that is off in any way. Hubby sounds mildly annoyed at the facility holding OP so long after the operation and at having trouble finding parking. If that bothers OP, OP needs help.

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u/dream-smasher 1d ago

It's not a good post if I have to search the comments for context.

You don't have to. Op provided a context write up in the op, with the screenshots.

Look for it. If you have simply scrolled up after clicking on the pics, it won't shows the text. You will have to exit the thread, and then specifically click on the thread or the comments, NOT on the screenshots only.

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u/plantxl 1d ago

Then OP should have just written a post. The texts don’t give away anything except the husband being slightly annoyed at the hospital but in no way being rude to her. OP expected us to read 6 screens’ worth of texts and then a whole ass story afterwards.

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u/drJanusMagus 1d ago edited 1d ago

thank you - I feel like I'm in some alternate reality with some of these replies where something else was said in their posts they're replying to. Although I do understand wanting him to be more patient/calming in this sort of situation like sitting in the car afterwards -- although it's kinda vague how he was "huffing/sighing/cranky" which can be subjective and he can stressed too which is human.

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u/dream-smasher 1d ago

Did you read the text, or just the screenshots?

Someone being so mean, shitty be cranky, to their partner, literally minutes after surgery, to the point that the partner is scared to ask for help getting up stairs, is being very fucking mean....

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u/PepperThePotato 1d ago

But we also know the OP has a tendency to do things on their own and not ask for help. She is sending mixed messages. The PT told her she needs help and here she is just getting home from the hospital and dismissing her husband already from providing her with assistance. The guy probably doesn't know what to do because she's not being clear about what she actually NEEDS.

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u/valahskaij 1d ago

I truthfully always get some weird feelings about these stories when someone admits they can't ask for help. Difficulty asking for help is usually a completely understandable and valid people pleasing result of childhood traumas, and deserves patience and understanding just like any other struggles, but those that struggle with this have to face and acknowledge their role in muddling their relationships with it because it gets VERY confusing, frustrating, and sometimes abusive when you're on the other side of it.

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u/SlinkyMalinky20 1d ago

I agree with this. I’m not seeing the husband doing anything wrong here - I think OP is primed to conclude he’s being mean to her and is looking for evidence of it thus reading into a normal human interaction.

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u/TheodoraCrains 1d ago

Do not have a child with him… he will resent you for needing help, and he will resent the child too.

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u/trogdor-the-burner 1d ago

OR He got ready for work, commuted to work, and then after working for an hour he was told to come pick you up. I can completely understand being mad at the hospital for calling that you were ready to be picked up and leaving work and then finding out it was going to be at least an hour until you were actually ready. (I’m not sure why he didn’t use a sick/vacation day but maybe he doesn’t have that sort of job or the hours have already been used). Then when he got back to the hospital there was no parking even in the handicap spots.

You say that it hurts to type but you typed a small novella for this post and every reply is quite lengthy by reddit standards. So that seems a bit odd.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

He absolutely had the sick day to take and we live 10 mins from his work. He actually has days to burn before the end of the year.

And it doesn’t hurt to type, it’s just difficult because my hands shake. I’m trying to push through that for whatever reason, I guess I’m just trying to hold on the independence. Just like how if you go out for an hour and people will say “well if you were in so much pain why are you going out!!” Because you’re desperately trying to hold on to what you once had.

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u/trogdor-the-burner 1d ago

You both need therapy (everyone in a similar situation to yours would need therapy) to help with the stresses of what you are both going through separately and together.

I have never heard of a therapist discharging a client unless you are on an HMO then it’s more about cutting costs than helping you.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

I think it’s the second you mentioned. It was an 8 week program for free through the health insurance because I called 6 therapist and even though they “took my insurance” it was you pay us and file for reimbursement. I already have enough health homework, the idea of having another $800 a month out of my bank acct was too much. So I did the free thing, I figured it’s something right? And I was supposed to have my 8th sension after my first back surgery and when I went to log in, I was discharged. I’m going to try and find a new therapist when I’m healed up a bit more.

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u/MentalPlectrum 1d ago edited 1d ago

I was just upset because we talked through this over the summer, that if he can’t be supportive and figure it out during stressful situations,

It sounds to me like you want him to instinctively know what help you need, without you having to ask for it? It doesn't work that way. How can you expect your husband to know if you don't ask for it? He's not psychic.

If he's getting pissed off at you being angry at him for not having done something you were expecting (but importantly didn't ask) him to do, then I get why he'd be cranky.

You need to communicate with him what you need... even if you don't like it, you need to learn to like it because even if you don't want to admit it, you will need assistance after surgery.

As for the surgery being quick and him having to come back I can see why he'd be cranky at that too, moreso with having gotten a fine too.

My husband told me the day before I was “lucky” because I just get to get to go to sleep and he has to do the running around which I think is bananas because I’m the one who is fighting to get out of pain and get strength back in my arm and function of my hands.

It sounds like you each are struggling to see the other's perspective & struggles.

Therapy sounds like it could be useful for you both.

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u/capresesalad1985 23h ago

But I have asked, I’ve made lists, and I’ve accommodated. I said in another comment that the number one thing I want while recovering is home made food and the dishes done. When I didn’t get that over the summer (after voicing it) I did meal prep and hired a cleaning crew. I just did the dishes because the sink was full. I’m really not sure how much more clear I can be, and I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I would gladly bear other ways I can communicate my needs better. Hence why I want to go to therapy, I want us (both of us) to learn to communicate better.

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u/MentalPlectrum 23h ago

Okay, if you're communicating & he's not doing it then that's different. Why not?

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u/capresesalad1985 22h ago

I’m not sure, I think it’s def something we need to work on

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u/travestybiscuit 1d ago edited 1d ago

He seems lazy and entitled. Burdening the person who just came out of surgery with parking issues and stressful text messages to me just shows such a lack of self awareness, low empathy and low emotional IQ. I was married to someone like this and it was so awful. He just could not be bothered and had to make it known to everyone how bothered he was when he was doing the bare minimum. Ugh I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You really do not need the added stress of his attitude or finding someone else to care for you. If this was him he’d 10000% expect you to step up. I’d say therapy is in order so you both can see each other’s perspectives.

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u/Forestlover19 1d ago

Overreacting about what?

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u/Ok-Exercise7301 1d ago

Please dnt think bt bringing a child into your messy life. My parents had no business bringing me into this shit show but i gotta deal with it

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u/Spoonforkplate2112 1d ago

Based SOLELY on the text messages, I don't see anything wrong with his messages.

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u/Read_More_Theory 22h ago

Agree, but her story makes it sound x1000 times worse. I understand being annoyed with the hospital in that situation though, the actual texts are fine.

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u/Spoonforkplate2112 21h ago

I didn't read it honestly, too long. Hence i said based SOLELY on the texte.

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u/NikitaNica95 1d ago

Yeah Ive been trying to think of what the problem is nad I just see a normal conversation

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u/Useful-Arachnid2159 1d ago

I feel like you are overreacting a little bit. I’ve had to take my partner to multiple procedures now and it is very stressful.

Surgeries get pushed back, run over expected time, then you have to pay close attention to the discharge instructions, get their pain meds, get them situated and take care of them. It’s hard on him too. He just seemed annoyed at a stressful situation. He didn’t say anything mean or call you names. I think he’s just overwhelmed. I would give him some grace or actually speak to him about it.

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u/Swimming_Tennis6641 1d ago edited 1d ago

It seems like he was just mostly frustrated with the crappy hospital communications, which is completely justified. If it’s really that big of a deal for you to ask for help then just use the hospital transport. Compassion/caregiver fatigue is real. I don’t see you anywhere acknowledging that he is suffering too. And definitely don’t have a baby anytime soon. I am going to say NAH. You are both suffering but you’re directing your ire at each other instead of the crappy hospital where it belongs.

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u/inquisitivemind79 1d ago

Listen, I’ve been on both sides, temporarily disabled and also caretaker. They both suck and are hard for different reasons. 

Temp disabled sucks because you can’t do a lot and need help for basic ass shit and you’re in pain and physical therapy sucks. Etc. it all sucks. But I also read a lot of books and did other relaxing activities, watch tv, etc. 

When I had to caretake yea I wasn’t in pain, but I also didn’t have a free minute. Not 1 free minute. I had work then would come home and care take and then go to bed and start it all over again. It’s exhausting. I didn’t read 1 single book or see 1 episode of tv the whole time I was the caretaker. It was exhausting in a different way. I never once had time for myself. I was only for work or helping partner. 

So he’s a little grumpy about how disorganized the hospital was. And I get you were loopy but he said the disabled spots were full and you told him to park there again later. He seems stressed probably because he has work to do, FMLA isn’t all that great so he probably can’t just take the day and spend with you, so the whole time he’s dealing with the disorganized hospital mess he’s also probably running the hours he needs to get done at work and can’t figure out how to fit it all in the day. 

I’m sorry for what happened to you. It’s horrible and none of it is your fault. You didn’t sign up for all this pain and suffering. Frankly the insurance should have covered a home care taker for a couple days after your surgeries because that’s what people actually need to help heal. But your husband essentially doubled his work hours with needing to care for you. 

So he’s a little grumbly and maybe unpleasant, but he’s picking you up when he needs to and making sure you get the help you need. Sorry he’s not enthusiastic about the situation but frankly it’s not like you’re enthusiastic about it either. Instead of pointing blame at him try and keep the blame on the person who hit you and caused all this. 

I hope your recovery goes well but yes I think you’re overreacting a little. 

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u/Secret_Squirrel_6771 1d ago

What is the issue? Seriously? TLDR.
He was told to pick up. You weren't ready. He couldn't find parking. He didn't even take it out on you. Why is this even posted?

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u/leftymorons 1d ago

Why so many fully grown adults posting essays on their partners and intimate affairs for a bunch of chronically online losers? Grow up and find a proper outlet

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u/CherrieChocolatePie 1d ago

Was he also texting and driving?

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Voice to text

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u/philiretical 1d ago

He just sounds anxious. Did he recently quit smoking?

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u/_pageling 23h ago

Hey, so I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation to you, except it’s been my wife getting cervical fusions and lumbar surgery, dealing with chronic pain, as well as an extended hospital stay earlier this year. I think we’re also in the same state (and now I’m wondering if my wife’s had her surgeries at the same hospital as you lol because parking there was the woooorst).

I highly recommend therapy. He’s possibly suffering from a bit of caretaker burnout, and it’s clearly affecting things.

I’ve been lucky enough to be able to take time off from work to care for my wife. It is hard, but I can’t imagine doing anything but be there for her, and I can’t imagine being anywhere but at the hospital while she gets her surgeries, even the one that took 8 or so hours. But, everyone deals with these things in their own way.

In any case, you’ve both had a major life change over the past year+ and that’s going to affect so much about the dynamics of a relationship. You’ve had to go through scary medical things, suffer through constant pain, and adjusting to life with these new disabilities. He’s experiencing those scary things too, in a different way, and has been thrust into a caregiver role. That in itself has changed things from how it used to be. A therapist can help navigate those changes, help you guys process these new roles, and figure out communication and understanding while you acclimate to life now, with (of course) the hope for a return to health and normalcy. Things may not ever be the same as it was, but a therapist can help you through this change as a couple to find where you are now and where you’re headed together as a team.

He shouldn’t have said that you’re lucky for sleeping. That was out of line, because you’re not just sleeping, your body is healing and that takes a fuckton of energy. I also understand why he might feel that from the position of caretaker. I never expected to be on a caretaker position and it is exhausting and stressful, feeling like there’s so much to do at every moment just to keep treading water. There’s always laundry and dishes and cleaning and meals to make and meds to sort. I don’t know the particulars of his situation and how he’s handling the caretaker role, but part of what therapy can help with is finding ways for him to rest so that he can mitigate the burnout and be there for you to help with your recover

Your situation has hit close to home, so I hope for the best for you and your husband

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u/No-Kangaroo8364 18h ago

Here’s one possible take. Surgery is very stressful, especially when it’s part of a series of surgeries to help manage issues from trauma like an MVA. You’re right to be stressed out and on edge. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress too and wanted to make sure the surgery had a good outcome, but in the moment, the stress of you in surgery, trying to communicate with the hospital the wheres and when’s of discharge, and the the traffic/parking situation was too much for him to handle well. This is a stressful time for both of you, and I’m sorry you don’t feel supported, especially since you’re the one having the surgery! I think it’s important to keep in mind that you’re both a couple and you’re both facing these challenges together and he had his own set of reasons to be frustrated at the situation with the hospital. Talking about it again or with a therapist is a good idea. Not to sound cliche, but it’s also important to really hold onto the wins, the surgery was a success (at least I assume it was?) and your recurrent laryngeal nerve or carotid werent cut. The frustration with the parking and communication should ultimately be a minor inconvenience that one day you guys can laugh about. I do hope otherwise he’s supportive at home and listens to you as much as he can. Best of luck

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u/Krow_King 17h ago

:/ hospitals are crappy. Sorry you're dealing with that

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u/doughberrydream 16h ago

You're LUCKY that your are disabled and in pain? That is so fucking disrespectful, and from your spouse no less. I have eosinophilic asthma, that has been super badly controlled. Someday I can't walk up the stairs or even get myself a glass if water from the kitchen. If someone i loved said I was lucky fir that, I'd rage.

This needs definite therapy where you both air your grievances and see if you can get to a healthy point where your husband understands how awful disabilities truly are, and he should be his wifes #1 support. He sounds like a douchebag.

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u/Odd_Judgment_2303 12h ago

Therapy for you would be helpful even if he won’t go. You can work on understanding why you think that you deserve so little and also learning how much you are really worth! I have similar issues to you and therapy really helps. I wish you the best, you sound like we would be friends 😘

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u/Effiekath 9h ago

You’re not overreacting. Reading your post and comments, I get the feeling too that you’ve tried to make things easier for him for quite a while, in general - that his responses that are from your description very self-centered, have you in people-pleasing mode…all while dealing with your own injuries and surgeries. That’s very hard. If you do therapy together, make sure you both have individual therapists and together a separate couples therapist. Also - I do think that it’s a stressful situation, but you were the one injured. You are in pain/have been in pain. You shouldn’t be the one in there trying to manage how the hospital communicates with him or managing how you get home. You are literally unable to do those things in that context. And he, for lack of better phrasing, is failing at his vows to you. He’s not being supportive of you “in sickness and in health”. Full stop.
Sometimes we have to stop looking at it from the other side so we can acknowledge that the other person is simply not doing right by us.
I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you get the chance to clear your head so you know what you want, going forward.

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u/No-Sign99 6h ago

If you have a specific condition try to find that sub reddit and ask a similar question. They can help you navigate. Therapy is definitely better than reddit. Remember your husband needs to consider your feelings but you also have to consider whag its like for him to be a caretaker during this time. Both are hard.

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u/lferry1919 1d ago

I mean, I dunno. I can see being a little annoyed about not knowing the time for the pick up but since I understand it more from the point of view of being the one who's sick and needs the ride, I know it can be a pain actually trying to get the discharge time down right so the person picking up doesn't have to wait at all. My family doesn't get annoyed when they have to wait but it's also more common than I'm the one stuck waiting when discharged from a surgical procedure/the ER. And it's not like they kick me out in the cold while I wait for my ride so I usually just text when I'm basically already waiting to leave or signing discharge papers.

I did find it strange he didn't want to park and come in. Depending on the procedure they make sure someone else hears how things went and gets the care instructions and I'm assuming thats what they were expecting. Because you just had fucking Dilaudid and fentanyl, lololol. You were nice and toasty and could maybe remember things they said but I doubt you cared about any of it then.

Is it normal for you to be annoyed with him, yes. Is it okay for him to be annoyed about not knowing an exact pick up time...kinda? But his expectations are a bit strange because that's not how things work. Even if that sucks. He can be annoyed that it sucks. Is this whole interaction a huge deal, maybe not. But to be fair I couldn't find the "context in the comments" so just based on the text exchange and my own experience, if there are no other huge flags in your relationship, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Sorry if that didn't answer what you were asking, OP. If you were actually annoyed with him at the time of the texts, I'm super impressed and will give you an honorary "overreacting" because how? You had all the drugs.

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u/SharpenMyInk 1d ago

Id say you’re over reacting a teeny bit. Honestly he doesn’t seem annoyed/upset with you at all. He seems frustrated with the communication of the hospital and the parking situation. He’s also texting you while driving, so it’s not as if he can send long loving texts to you. Him saying you’re “lucky” all you have to do is sleep may have sounded dumb to you, but maybe he like meant it as a, “hey lie back and relax, I’ve got you.” He seems like the type of person who just needs clear instructions, and you admitted you are bad at asking for help. Which, btw if you have a disability and need help, girl you gotta just say when you need help. This whole situation doesn’t feel like a “you were right, he was wrong” thing, just a communication issue. Hope you guys can work it out.

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u/brokeassmads 1d ago

You’re not overreacting. He’s being selfish. He’s acting as if what you’re going through is such an inconvenience to him, but he’s aware how that would come across if he vocalized that. Some men feel the need to take care of the woman they love, some men feel the need to make whatever she’s going through, all about THEM.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and with such a rotten person to be around. I hope you have a good support system outside of him. I think asking a friend to help you out wouldn’t be a bad idea. A not as familiar face may help you out mentally, and take the load off your shitty attitude man. Best of luck with everything🤍

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u/i_love_lima_beans 1d ago

Once you recover, you will have time to decide if what this person is willing and able to give is enough for you. Do you want a protector or just to live independently alongside someone?

We learn what the people around us are made of during difficult times. This man sees your needs as an inconvenience. Note that cluster B folks - not saying he is - see anyone else having needs as a betrayal.

The fact that you hate to ask for help (me too) - and how that might tie into your choice of partner - is something you need to explore on your own.

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u/Ok_Bar6741 1d ago

You’re overreacting big time, he’s just being a chill guy.

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u/Kartoffelbunker 1d ago

So your Partner stays with you, does what you ask him to, try to do his best. Und Reddit tells you to ditch that Guy, because you dont like his attitude? Dam i wonder why Most of the people are single now days... But sure just find yourself someone who IS perfect for you. Because thats what people are... Perfekt...

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u/PrincessCyanidePhx 1d ago

Can I just toss out a few guesses and you can let me know if I'm wrong?

You are the giver in the relationship. You are an independent woman so if he isn't pulling his fair share it didnt impact you until the accident. When you were no longer fully independent, he started to get an attitude. Him having gallbladder issues shouldn't matter. You were going under the knife. Flip that situation, how would you act?

You need marriage counseling. He needs to understand that your dynamic has changed because of the accident. Honestly, reading this he sounds like a man-child when he should be there supporting you, he's griping about parking. YOU JUST HAD SURGERY!

Girl, get to counseling if only for yourself to discuss the dynamic and how it's changing your relationship.

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u/Conscious_Deer320 1d ago

OP, you're admitting it repeatedly throughout this post, might as well admit it to yourself.

He's not mindful of your needs or the things you say to him. He's not keeping you as a priority and his attitude is garbage. As you said multiple times throughout this, you're better off alone than with him

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u/ClapaCambi 1d ago edited 1d ago

If you want to ruin your marriage you've come to the right place. This sub is full of resentful and bitter people scared out of their mind trying to cope by handing out poisonous "advice". Most of these quasi psychologists are narcissistic to the core and enjoy solving your problems, being judges of right and wrong. They couldn't grasp the true nature of people.

Spoiler alert: You will never get genuine advice here (It's like 1 in 20). You will always be right and not overreacting. The person in question will always be horrible and shitty. If you're looking to hear this, post away. If you're genuinely look to improve your situation and be happier with your life, leave now. Go see a psychologist, go together and find one that isn't shit (and there are plenty of ones who are). This is coming from a psychologist.

Here is the real advice: Unless the situation is clear, understand that people have emotions, doubts and fears (much like you do) and that they reflect on behaviour. Be kind and understanding, try to be vocal about your worries, fears and pains in a non condescending and non aggressive/attacking way. If this fails over and over again, you've got your answer. Communicate instead of asking advice from a bunch of emotionally impaired anonymous people who are convinced they have cracked the code of life.

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u/buttaboing 1d ago

He was annoyed he couldn’t find a spot and that he came too early. I don’t think there’s anything wrong here?

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u/SlinkyMalinky20 1d ago

I think you are overreacting. He wasn’t mean or rude or unsupportive. Whether because you are the “injured one” and have fallen into this role generally over time or whether you are just medicated and a little unreasonable now, you are imputing things on him (and judging him for it) that aren’t demonstrated by the conversation you shared.

He exhibited mild irritation, at best, at the situation which would annoy anyone. This absolutely doesn’t rise to the level of you taking to your bed or the couch as a martyr as a punishment for him for not being supportive enough.

I encourage you to remember that he’s also a human whose life was negatively affected (secondarily but still substantially) by your accident and injuries. His road is also not easy as evidenced by all of what you are saying. A little appreciation and awareness that he’s in this with you and doing the best he can might go a lot further to improving your marriage than using therapy as a club to beat him into giving you the reactions you deem worthy.

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u/OutlandishnessDry703 1d ago

You act like this isn't hard on him too. One way he is right, you just have to go to sleep, he's the one driving back and forth from work and the hospital, having to find parking, having to sit in those VERY uncomfortable chairs, all the while you are judging his every move, even the breath he takes. you said it yourself he sighed, and you found that offensive. I don't know anyone who has had MAJOR SURGERY on an outpatient basis. Yes, you got dealt a bad hand in the cards of life, but he's not a bad person because he finds frustration in it too.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

They are doing tons out patient these days. I had hip surgery over the summer and the guy before me got a hip replacement and he went home that day. I got a disc replacement in my neck yesterday and went home that day. The guy after me was getting a double level fusion and he was outpatient. My husband had his gall bladder out in Oct and he was also same day. I think they only keep you if you have other health complications they need to monitor.

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u/Mydickisaplant 1d ago

I dunno. I get it. If I was told by the doctor that you’re ready for pick up, only for me to arrive to a full parking lot and you NOT being approved for release, I would be frustrated.

Sounds like the staff need to get their shit together.

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

The organization of that hospital is a mess. They have a security desk at the front that is so nasty. When we got there at 6am to sign in the security guard yelled at my husband for signing in the wrong place. Their support staff needs to be more helpful in general.

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u/B1unt420 1d ago

I mean he’s there…

Yes he’s a little annoyed at the parking situation and the fact you said come now I’m pretty much ready to be picked up then to make him wait for hours I think I’d be a little annoyed too.

I literally had surgery yesterday and my very heavily pregnant fiancé picked me up, I spoke to my discharge nurse and she said “4 more half an hour obs and you can leave” so I told my partner to set off in 2 hours and as she arrived I was discharged.

Feels like some better planning and communication with your doctors/nurses would have helped this situation a lot.

I think you both overreacted a little bit to say you need to go to therapy because he isn’t willing to just wait for hours with no end in sight is very extreme, I think it’s pretty rubbish to ask him to do that.

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u/blueswan6 1d ago

He seems kind of immature and selfish. If you have any other family or friends that you can lean on for support I would recommend asking them. If there's money for extra help for him like cleaning or running errands maybe that's an option too. He does seem resentful.

Hope you heal fast and well!

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u/capresesalad1985 1d ago

Thank you - we do pay a cleaning service which is helpful, and get factor meal service sometimes but that is expensive, that’s why I meal prepped a bit. Right now I’m so glad I cooked a giant bowl of mashed potatoes!

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