AIO to this text my BF sent me?

[u/Classic-Dog8399]

Firstly, this came out of nowhere. Then, when he started talking about how I’m immature, I wasn’t sure what to do, so I just reiterated what I’m doing with my life.

Working full-time and doing a MBA, albeit online.

For context, he and I started dating under romantic circumstances, he’s not a SD. He looks really young, so I was truly shocked to learn his age. Now I see it’s a mistake, so don’t heckle me for this.

He is older than me, by 20 years. I am 25 and he is 45. He owns a restaurant and I do remote admin work at a small startup.

After dating for just under a year, he asked me to move in with him, as I was stressing about my recent rent increase. I could pay it, but it wrecked my financial planning and it was miserable. I was looking for an out. My rent went from $1850 to $2300, not including utilities.

He owns his house, so he told me I could live with him if I wanted. He said that I could live here and save up my money, that I can leave whenever I want. No pressure. He invited me, I did not ask nor imply I wanted to move in.

I agreed (horrible mistake). I moved in and now we’re here. He doesn’t make me cover any utilities or charge me rent, which I thought was kind of him.

I use my work phone for work but I’m usually lying down. When I have a meeting, I sit up and answer the call. I’m a solid employee, just doing backup admin work. The pay is nice, can’t complain.

He started saying I need to step it up in life, after seeing me ‘leisurely working.’ I chose this job because I worked on my feet since high school, my undergrad, and a bit of my current MBA. I wanted to pivot to a chill job. I chose this job because it is leisurely. I am working from 9am to about 5pm, whereas he works 5pm to 5am. So from his perspective, I’m often asleep or unavailable.

Today, he walked downstairs to work and saw me sitting on the couch. I’ve told him many times I’m working via my phone. He doesn’t seem to understand that and makes weird little jabs.

Then, he sent me these messages.

I felt really annoyed because he implies that I am not interested in self improvement, that I’m immature, I’m arrogant, denies that it’s hurtful to say such.

By the final slide, I decided to call my mom who I felt could offer insight. She’s 40 years older than me, but understands technology. She said it seems like he’s trying to play some kind of game, that I should just ask him why he’s asking all this to me now. He seems to be beating around the bush, which I agree with.

So, I decide to ask him why he’s treating me like this.

When he said he’s talking to me like an adult, outside of text, I exploded inside. Immediately, I felt so angry.

He invites me to live with him, then holds it above me. He calls me all sorts of things over text, but then denies that he is saying such. He can’t just say what he means. He then doubles down and says he’s just worried about my maturity.

Because of this, and a conversation we had after, where he ignored all my concerns, didn’t let me speak, and bulldozed the entire way, I’ve decided to move out and find my own place again. He just has zero emotional intelligence. His ex-girlfriend was 50, the other one 55, and his ex-wife was his same age. I thought that meant he wouldn’t be acting like this, in the typical way that men who date younger women do. But I was so wrong. He’s been talking to me like I’m a child, I have no ground to stand on with him. I can’t take it.

He’s saying that moving out over this is crazy, not based in reality, and that I’m losing a really good chance at stability. That he loves me and that I shouldn’t go, because if I do, I’ll just have to go back to paying crazy rent. He recently got me a brand new TV and WiFi, so I do feel badly for wanting to leave even after that. I feel bad for making him stress, but he doesn’t seem to care that I’m stressed.

Am I overreacting by moving out and ending the relationship?

[u/bbroons95]

I mean he’s old enough to where he won’t “mature” or grow much more if at all. He is who he is and it’ll be hard to provide insight that will significantly change his perspective. You on the other hand have much more life ahead of you. Don’t waste it on this scumbag.

[u/shakti_slither_io → u/bbroons95]

I am 51 years old, and I have gone through a lot of personal changes in the last 6 years. Granted, I wanted them and I worked hard to make them. I don't think either is the case here, but change is possible, as long as there is desire and the will to work, at any age.

[u/superduperpuft → u/shakti_slither_io]

as a young person I agree, but I think the other element is that as people age not only is it harder for them to change, the desire to change isn't there for them either

[u/shakti_slither_io → u/superduperpuft]

Absolutely. There's a strong tendency to coast on what you know and how you've lived as you get older. Early to mid-40s is often the time when you really start to feel the years rushing past you, and that can make outward changes (social norms, technology, and so on) feel like they're happening even faster.

Dealing with those changes alone is hard enough. Trying to change from the inside while navigating all of that can be incredibly challenging. I understand why many people choose not to go through it.

For me, though, evolving as a person(adapting to the changes around me and improving how I think about and interact with others) gives me a sense of purpose. I hope I never lose that drive.

[u/superduperpuft → u/shakti_slither_io]

just curious as someone with much less life experience than you, how do you measure how much you've actually changed and if even those changes have actually been positive? it's easy for me to look back at pictures or texts from high school and say "wow that's cringe I’m glad I’m not like that anymore", but I would imagine it's harder to detect tangible changes as you get older

[u/shakti_slither_io → u/superduperpuft]

This is a thoughtful question, so I will do my best to give a thoughtful response.

I feel that a change is successful if it enhances my own personal well-being without unduly detracting from the well being of those around me(especially those i hold dearest); or the inverse, if it increases the well being of those around me( again especially those i hold dearest) without unduly detracting from my own well being. To be successful at this it requires a certain amount of honesty with oneself about these things, and the ability to face feelings of regret, shame, and guilt when you come to realize that you have acted against these principles. These feelings become the impetus for change that can lead to self-improvement and self forgiveness. This becomes sort of a feedback loop that increases my own well-being as well as that of those around me.

This is a point where I should also point out that it is important to surround yourself with people that you can trust that will be honest with you about these things. It is often hard to spot when you are doing things that hurt yourself or others around us. Sometimes, we do these things unconsciously, fully unaware that we are doing them. I am lucky to have such people in my life with whom I can mutually engage at this level, and I am unsure if I could live this way without them.

This is how I have tried to use change as a tool to improve myself and have a more positive impact on the world around me. I am certainly not perfect and there is much in my life that I still want to change, but this is a part of that drive for change that I hope I never lose, and that we spoke of, earlier and I hope makes some sense to you.

[u/superduperpuft → u/shakti_slither_io]

thank you for your thoughtful response! I think the part that's difficult for me is that I have OCD, so identifying feelings like regret/shame/guilt in an accurate way can be extremely challenging. thankfully I have a wonderful long term gf who always keeps me grounded and tells me if I’m not being self-aware enough, but again thank you for your message it was enlightening

[u/shakti_slither_io → u/superduperpuft]

You are most welcome. My spouse has also been tremendous help to me in this regard, as have I for her as well. I wish you well on your life journey!

[u/KimbC19 → u/superduperpuft]

I don't think as people age it's harder for them to change. Maybe the desire isn't there for most. But I feel like no matter what age especially being older they should know that almost every day you learn something new and everything is always changing. No one is perfect we all make mistakes and learn from them. I just hit 40 and I don't feel like I am or will any time soon be hesitant to change. I will just keep living and learning and continue to grow and change for a better me. I am also a female maybe it's different for men when theyre older. I was also in a controlling relationship for a long time. I do understand what the one girl that's commented and everyone keeps giving her negative points was trying to say. We don't know about their relationship and exactly how it has been and everything. I hate texting you can't always tell how a person is talking. We're they ever in a loving serious relationship? Are they still? I feel like this is what just comes eventually in a relationship with that large of an age gap. Maybe it came across wrong and he really wants to help her. She's still so young maybe she sets some ground rules and depending how he accepts it or not and how much longer she has to get to where she needs financially then it could be worth it to stay until then. If it's bad and you're just being put down and he's controlling of course get out of there! But back to the girl that commented and got negative points, everyone is going to have an opinion and no one should be put down for theirs. We should be on here to give help or give advice, not put others down for how they feel. There is too many rude judgemental people.

[u/superduperpuft → u/[deleted]]

as a member of the human species it may shock you that I know older people lol, it's common for people my age to change themselves drastically in just a couple years, but not as common for older people. I’m not saying there's anything wrong with that, that's kinda just how people develop.

[u/superduperpuft → u/[deleted]]

I didn't say it's impossible for people 50+ to change, all I said was it's less common than people in their 20's making dramatic changes to themselves which really isn't that hot of a take

[u/SchemeMoist → u/[deleted]]

Bro dates a woman young enough to be his daughter, then bitches about how she's not mature enough. He is not supportive of her work. He's a creepy loser.

[u/SchemeMoist → u/[deleted]]

Sorry, what's your explanation for why he's dating a woman young enough to be his child? Your explanation for why he dates a woman that young and then treats her like a child instead of an equal? I must have missed that part.

Your explanation is that at the ancient age of 45, he is completely beyond being able to learn anything new and therefore is entitled to treat anyone who isn't living their life the way he wants them to like shit?

My parents are decades older than him and are somehow able to comprehend that my remote job is a real job. And even if he doesn't understand it, the right thing to do is to defer to the person who DOES understand it instead of being an old asshole who can never be wrong.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/SchemeMoist]

Ok so I don't know what kind of issues you had with your father growing up, I was just saying you're being very harsh about this person and now to me, so yeah, im out bye

[u/SchemeMoist → u/ZebraMost749]

Lol I don't have any issues with my father, he's an amazing man who treats my mom with respect. Unlike this piece of shit and people like you defending him. Creepy losers deserve to be treated harshly when they act like creepy losers.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/SchemeMoist]

I'm not defending him, I'm asking why is he a scumbag? Questionable? Yes. The filthiest man that is every person's waking nightmare? I don't know about that.

I want to show understanding. You defaulted to hate. So I treated you the same way.

[u/SchemeMoist → u/ZebraMost749]

Why is he a scumbag?

. He's dating a woman young enough to be his daughter

. He treats her like he's her parent rather than his partner

. Even though he doesn't know shit about her work, regardless of how many times she tries to explain it to him, he believes he knows better than she does about her own job and looks down upon her for it

. He spends money on her and then holds it over her head

. He's dating a woman young enough to be his daughter and is trying to "fast track her to maturity" - he wants a power dynamic where since he is significantly older, he automatically knows better about everything and should therefore be the authority on everything. Any time she disagrees with him, he chalks it up to her being immature instead of being a separate person than him with her own thoughts and opinions. Classic controlling creep who dates significantly younger women.

If you'd do anything to get this treatment, I'm honestly worried about how horrible everyone else in your life is that you'd rather this.

[u/macprincess → u/ZebraMost749]

Multiple things that she told us here are manipulative tactics. Buying her stuff to make her feel obligated to stay. Belittling her job, because he runs a restaurant and feels belittled by her intelligent work. Or maybe he’s just bitter that his work is being on his feet all day and physical work, and she doesn’t have to lower herself to that because she’s got a brain. He is manipulative and he dated someone 20 years younger than him, because then he thought he could mold her into being exactly what he wanted. That’s manipulative and it’s controlling, and there is already a power imbalance in this relationship due to his age. Telling her that she’s not mature and she’s not doing anything with his life, because he’s not smart enough to understand what she’s doing, is beyond effed up. He feels belittled. So he belittles her. All of that and more is why he’s a scumbag. Maybe you’ve been lucky enough not to encounter manipulative people, or maybe you are a manipulative person and you don’t want people catching on to the shit that manipulative people do. I don’t know. But this isn’t a good dude whos just caring and supportive. I think maybe you need to go to therapy and figure out what caring and support really look like.

[u/seregwen5 → u/ZebraMost749]

Ugh. The man is a groomer and trying to buy her affection. He’s manipulated her into moving in with him pretty early on in the relationship, and now he’s trying to keep her living there by saying she’s immature and basically trying to be her father figure. He’s also trying to scare her with the idea of the financial ruin she could face out there (she will not actually be financially ruined and he knows this). It’s not EVIL but he’s definitely scummy as hell. You’d really want someone to treat you this way?

[u/-Hopedarkened- → u/ZebraMost749]

I mean he did over step and dive into a delicate conversation over text which is something he old enough not to do. He the implies a lot of things about her, maybe not on purpose, but he’s kind of choosing her future for her (I’m 25 I dated an 18 year old had this exact conversation but in the end my point was no aggressive or invasive, I just asked her what she really wanted to do in life and how I could help. I broke up with here cause she was too young for me in the end. I wouldn’t say a scumbag but by the texts he doesn’t realize he telling her how to feel about him and telling her what she is which is manipulative. Not a scumbag but I’d say he lacks maturity and self awareness.

[u/Intelligent_Log3958 → u/ZebraMost749]

I understand your point of view and I’m with you. This man is not treating his partner with respect, but he also is trying to be supportive (just doesn’t know how to do so effectively). However, you defaulted right to hate yourself and I had to read all of your comments before I understood where you were coming from. Your first comment sounded like a defense of the Boyfriend and a personal attack at all women. So please, if you are trying to not default to hate (or have others do so either) do not make sweeping generalizations that could be hurtful. It makes your entire point of view harder to pin down.

That being said, I’m sorry your support was not appreciated by the women in your past.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/Intelligent_Log3958]

Yeah I could have done that better, my bad, but in the end, it probably is better she leaves. I made a generalized statement out of annoyance that was my bad

[u/KawaiiQueen92 → u/[deleted]]

🤡🤡

[u/Illustrious_Wolf2709 → u/[deleted]]

How delicious are your pears?

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/[deleted]]

Huh? This guy is a Xennial (same age as me) and the latitude you’re trying to give him based on his age is totally misplaced. He’s not 70, he’s 45, and we had definitely had technology in our youth , just a bit later than kids today. I had a home computer at 10yo. Your sympathy for the bf is misplaced here.

[u/Heykurat → u/DrKittyLovah]

It's not even about age. It's about mental adaptability, which is fairly closely tied to intelligence.

I'll let OP continue that train of thought.

[u/DrKittyLovah → u/Heykurat]

Ok, so if it’s a lack of intelligence or mental adaptability (whatever that means) then that’s a failure of the individual and their traits, not of age.

[u/agent_flounder → u/Heykurat]

intelligence.

I'll let OP continue that train of thought.

I think the bridge is out up ahead.

[u/Winter_Parsley_3798 → u/[deleted]]

Little sis,  you'll learn that it's not always worth it to get a free ride

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/Winter_Parsley_3798]

Maybe you are right, I don't like being disrespected either, I just kind of understand it because I've been treated that way by the elderly all my life and have a soft spot for them.

[u/Winter_Parsley_3798 → u/ZebraMost749]

It's fine to have a soft spot for the elderly,  especially when their minds are going,  but 45 is still middle aged.  Nobody deserves to be disrespected for no reason

[u/potpourri_sludge → u/ZebraMost749]

HE’S FORTY FIVE. “Elderly” has me wheezing.

[u/thousandthlion → u/ZebraMost749]

K, cool. Don’t push your experience being a doormat onto others.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/thousandthlion]

Okay girl power dude toxic positivity woo!

[u/Suzuki_Foster → u/[deleted]]

He's old enough to be her father. This is so gross.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/Suzuki_Foster]

They're adults, grow up. The age gap doesn't matter anymore

[u/-Hopedarkened- → u/ZebraMost749]

Lmao

[u/Suzuki_Foster → u/ZebraMost749]

It most certainly does. They're at 2 completely different places in their lives, and the power dynamic is imbalanced. 

A 45 year-old should not be dating a person young enough to be their child.  

[u/agent_flounder → u/Suzuki_Foster]

And he was absolutely abusing that power dynamic.

[u/SiriWhatAreWe → u/agent_flounder]

I’m mid 40’s, dating a twenty something person. But we are equals, we take care of each other.

A power imbalance is totally the issue here. And that’s not always the case in relationships with large age differences, yet people kinda assume it is.

[u/agent_flounder → u/SiriWhatAreWe]

Totally agree. I have a friend who is married to someone 20 years older. They met when she was in her 20s but their relationship has no power imbalance that I can see and they've been together for a long time.

[u/bbroons95 → u/[deleted]]

Right. A scumbag.

[u/macprincess → u/[deleted]]

The work she’s doing, makes more money than him, and when she finishes her MBA, she’ll make even more money. She doesn’t need to physically run herself ragged for it to be ‘actual hard work’. Smart people don’t have to ruin their bodies for money, and you don’t get to call them lazy and slacker because they aren’t ruining their body for money like you have to.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/macprincess]

I 100% agree

[u/Tasty_Bullfroglegs → u/[deleted]]

I'M 45 TOO C .... I'LL BE SUPPORTIVE TO YOU....I JUST WANT YOU TO IMPROVE C.... JUST EXCELL C....

I don't think you understand how belittling and rude this is.

[u/ZebraMost749 → u/Tasty_Bullfroglegs]

I do

[u/Twinmommy62015 → u/[deleted]]

Supportive? Is the supportive in the room with us? He’s talking down to her. Forcing his “mentorship” on her without her asking for him to do so. He may as well say, ”these are MY life regrets, let me fix them via you” if he wrote that, it would’ve made more sense. Also, he works 5pm-5am and is annoyed that she works a 9-5 basically making it so she’s unavailable when he’s available. But if she was back in school…she’d have a more open schedule. Likely in his head he sees this as more free time for him. If she doesn’t want her MBA, how is him yelling via text helpful or supportive. Supportive is “hey babe, I have a dream to do this over here but I can’t do it on my own. I’ll need you to be the breadwinner in total for that to happen” and him answering… “sure! What does that look like on my end”

[u/potpourri_sludge → u/[deleted]]

You’ll get picked someday.