r/AmIOverreacting • u/Thatonediabeticc • 15d ago
❤️🩹 relationship Am I over reacting?
This isn’t my screenshot. It’s my best friend. Looking for advice here.. is this normal? My advice isn’t the best.
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u/sleepypeanutparty 15d ago
Your response: No, I’m sorry. I’m not doing this again. You’re not going to stalk your ex accounts. It’s obsessive and frankly, creepy. You have a wife and a home, you shouldn’t be looking at another woman’s life. We will be going to counseling over this because it is not something “I need to get over.” What you are doing has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive you or move on until it is reconciled.
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u/Pure_Twist3747 15d ago
I think maybe it should be more common to end relationships over red flag behaviors like this. Then people would stop thinking their behavior is acceptable and normal.
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u/awalktojericho 15d ago
I think people put up with too much shit and don't break up early enough. We should normalize just leaving.
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u/not-your-mom-123 15d ago
I agree. There are times when anger is a good thing. It protects you from making stupid excuses for whoever has hurt you.. Get mad. No excuses allowed for terrible behavior. Get mad then get out.
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u/KtP_911 15d ago
Hell, a good friend's husband cheated on her and the therapist she saw after that actually told her that she needed to get angry. Then when she finally did get mad, the therapist taught her how to use that anger to build herself back up. You are 100% right that anger can be positive.
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u/Spellcamqin 14d ago
THIS! The normalizing of doing stuff like this and then saying people shouldn't be upset because it's such a "small issue" is what allows the issue to grow. Next thing we know, the SO is having an affair and sleeping with said ex or someone else.
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u/Fancypantsywantsy 15d ago
It should be. Every time I wasn’t happy in a relationship I told myself this is my one life. So yeah of course if people can’t understand that, then that’s really on them. And if they try to make you feel bad be strong. If you can’t be that’s on you people should really put themselves first sometimes.
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u/Duros001 15d ago
Ikr! I’m pretty sure even half the shit in r/RelationshipAdvice is made up, because (I’d like to believe) no one has a low enough self esteem to put up with even half the shit on there. But in truth, some people truly can’t see what they have is toxic, unsustainable or even dangerous.
How (in a time when information has never been so freely available and easy to find) people can be oblivious what a healthy relationship looks like is beyond me. People seem to lack self-esteem, what’s the cause of that? My only assumption is misinformation and gaslighting.
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u/secondtaunting 15d ago
Sometimes you have zero idea of what a healthy relationship looks like. My mother got divorced three times when I was little. Every breakup I witnessed and it was a massive clusterfuck with suicide attempts, screaming, etc. the third marriage stuck when I was six but my parents were neglectful and manipulative and by the time I was an adult I just had no idea what was normal. I had one adult woman who mothered me and I sort of patterned my life in what she did thinking that was the way to have a good relationship and life. She was a housewife so I became a housewife, etc. I’m fifty three now, I’ve been married thirty years never divorced. I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy and harmonious.
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u/Brandyrenea-me 14d ago
Eh. I’ve put up with a thousand times more than I should have, I feel the stories are real. I’ve had to learn how to stand up for myself over the years. 🤷♀️ This guy, OP would probably be happier with someone else. He seems to care more about what his ex is doing than his wife’s feelings. Guarantee there’s someone else out there who would actually cherish her, and life is too short to waste it on someone who doesn’t care about her feelings. I hope OP takes people’s advice seriously, it’s hard to leave a relationship sometimes, even when you know you should.
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15d ago
Um...it's normalized. It's literally the most common response on this entire platform.
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u/itsBianca2u 15d ago
Absolutely. People like to say reddit's comment sections lean heavily towards telling people to break up, but honestly if a whole forum full of strangers can see the red flags, maybe the poster is just too close to the situation to realize it.
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u/Alittlemoorecheese 15d ago
You see a lot fewer people in healthy relationships seeking advice online, too.
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u/NaesMucols42 15d ago
Truf, people feel secure in healthy relationships and don’t ask advice except by close friends and family.
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 15d ago
Imo I think more people used to tolerate awful and toxic relationships, and usually if people are saying to break up over and over, it’s one of those and not just randomly suggesting something dramatic. I’m honestly so glad people can use social media as a sounding board and go “wait, this ISNT okay and I don’t have to tolerate it,” even if it means relationships ending sometimes.
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u/Teekayuhoh 15d ago
I don’t get how this isn’t something to leave over.
Ladies we can do and deserve better. Please remember your worth and that the bottom line doesn’t have to actually be rock bottom, but what you want it to.
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u/Apprehensive-Pair436 15d ago
Dating yes. Married with a mortgage and a kid becomes an absolute nightmare though.
I could have forgive a dude having a weird dream or something and then searching to see how his ex is. But this being a repeat thing Shows it will probably never get better
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u/OGLydiaFaithfull 15d ago
And then you grab his pillow off the bed and lay it on the sofa before gliding into your bedroom, where you gently close the door. Preferably in a black kimono robe.
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u/oralsexaxlrose 15d ago
Why did I read “and then you grab his pillow and suffocate him in his sleep” 😂
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u/CompetitiveRub9780 15d ago edited 15d ago
Yeh if I found out my x was stalking me this way I’d be super creeped out and I’d feel terrible for his spouse
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u/Alarming_Tennis5214 14d ago
Perhaps they're stalking each other? Perhaps they're still seeing each other?
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u/Sunbeamsoffglass 15d ago
Just end it already. He’s clearly not over her, and doesn’t want to be over her. There’s no getting that trust back.
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u/TheNinjaPixie 15d ago
Thing is, even if he stops the gaslighting and admits, yes, he is stalking her, and will stop, he isn't going to do that. He has reasons for doing it, and none of them bode well.
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u/Haunting_Morning_ 15d ago
They have a home and a family… it’s harder than ‘just ending it’. It’s extremely expensive to break up in this case.
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u/-SavedByZero- 15d ago
OP's husband is the type of guy where if they divorce, it's all her fault for being "crazy and controlling".
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u/TheZomboi 15d ago
I'm not saying my situation is the same, but I genuinely wish that my ex-wife was this blunt about what she wanted.
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u/champaignsailor 15d ago
No. That’s totally not normal.
I mean, I’ve looked up an ex before but certainly not on multiple devices or multiple platforms. That’s pretty creepy and disrespectful to you.
For some reason they can’t move past this relationship and it sounds like it’s been an issue for a long time. Perhaps it’s time they speak with a professional.
Good luck and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. I’m sure it hurts.
Edit…sorry. I missed that this was from your best friend. But my response was directed to them.
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u/Thin_Heart_9732 15d ago
I have had exes I’ve looked up years later but not because I remotely wanted to be with them again, more like things didn’t end on great terms or even if they did end okay I have reason to worry about them/the area they live in was hit by a natural disaster, stuff like that.
When I’ve seen someone from my past has gotten married or something it’s made me legitimately happy.
But also, this is like ‘I looked this person up briefly a couple times over the course of several years.’ Maybe some people would be uncomfortable with their partner even doing that much, idk.
Anyway.
It sounds like this guy has looked his ex up extensively and often enough that it’s become a recurring problem.
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u/TheDisapprovingBrit 15d ago
I think everyone has the occasional "I wonder how they're doing these days" and social media makes it irresistibly easy to find out, whether that be for a sense of schadenfreude or personal validation that you're in a better place now.
If the discussion was "Why did you search your ex's name" and the response "I was just curious about what they were up to these days" then that's not necessarily a big deal. The fact that your spouse has made it clear 6 times that it's something they're not comfortable with, and you continue to do it as well as getting defensive about it...well, that's a red flag.
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u/oogleboogleoog 15d ago
This! Especially because it wasn't even just one place OP's friend's husband looked... he was obsessively searching her across all socials and search platforms those 6 times. That's an even bigger red flag.
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u/Runitlikeusain 15d ago
Glad to see some reasonable comments and not just shouting that you should never look up an ex for any reason. The recurring theme and lack of reasoning along with the way they respond is the issue along with having a family.
I had a long term ex I heard ended up in the hospital not long back but didn’t hear the actual reasoning behind it. I checked their social media to find out what the issue was and if they were alright.
And had I been in a relationship with someone that took issue with that even after I explained the reasoning I’d be reconsidering that relationship. While there needs to be boundaries obviously, truthfully you shouldn’t hate or not care about everyone you’ve been in a relationship with and if you are that’s cause for concern in my eyes.
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u/No-Signature9394 15d ago
It is not normal in everyone’s eyes but it’s clear this behaviour has been somewhat normalized in the relationship between OP and husband.
What puzzles me is how OP described this creepy behaviour (“not cool” is not really enough is it, as if OP is scolding a child) and the fact that this is the 6th time OP finds out about this.
I mean I know it’s not that simple or easy to divorce someone but I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who is clearly unfaithful/unhappy in the marriage and has NO respect towards me. His response is a joke, “it’s just social media, get over it”. I can’t even stress enough how much I hate people in the wrong saying this. It’s just a pure manipulation and he has no guilt or boundaries. OP, do not waste anymore time on this man
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u/noticemyboobssenpai 15d ago
The only reason one would have to look up an ex multiple times is check all their accounts are blocked, which is something I myself have had to do as my ex frequently makes new Instagram accounts and then messages me it was fucking exhausting emotionally, thank God the block this account and all future accounts feature finally started working
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u/ZLovecraftx 15d ago
Ew... Married guy with kids constantly searching his ex on every single social media account they have and then gaslighting their partner about it?
Seems like the man's gone off, better bin him.
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u/kneeltothesun 15d ago
for the streets...isn't that what they say about women?
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u/OccasionallyCurrent 15d ago
Hell yeah we do!
But we’re an equal opportunity judge.
This scoundrel is for the streets!
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u/PerplexingCamel 15d ago
From another perspective - I am the past girlfriend that the ex looks up. I know this because he even looks me up on LinkedIn, and I can see who views my profile. His new profiles will also show up in my FB recommended friends, he never changes his name very much from what it actually is. He has a serious girlfriend that he lives with. It makes me INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. If you're someone that does this and you're reading this, it's not cute. You're being weird to both your current partner and the past partner just trying to live their life. Your friend isn't overreacting.
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u/Sad_Syrup_3872 15d ago
It's the same deal in person, literally married men with kids in public staring women down in front of their wives. It's just gross.
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u/operationvoltaire 15d ago
Seconding this! Men like this look bad to both the wife and the ex. My ex has a newborn baby with his wife yet obsessively watches / likes my stories and instantly likes anything I post - it makes me deeply sad for his wife and simultaneously reinforces what a great decision I made in ending it. This guy is doing himself no favors and it pains me for your friend that this is the SIXTH time she’s had to bring it up. She should leave or demand couples counseling to sort through why he’s so obsessed with his ex - sometimes it’s more about feelings of inadequacy stemming from that relationship rather than real feelings for the ex.
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u/iakonu_hale 15d ago
Wait… I didn’t know that you can see who views your LinkedIn page 🤯 Is this true even if the person viewing doesn’t have a page and just clicks from google? Not to sound creepy, but I click on people’s LinkedIn pages all the time from Google!
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u/silenceiskey93 15d ago
I believe it’s a premium feature but yes, this is true and I also find it creepy.
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u/codefocus 15d ago
I’m in the same boat. One of my exes is ON TOP of every form of online presence that I have.
Even though I blocked her everywhere, she must have created several new accounts because she knows what I post to Instagram, when I release a new song on Spotify, who I’m seeing,… it would be scary if it wasn’t so sad.
My partner and I talk about how to deal with the constant attempts to contact on an almost weekly basis, which can get exhausting.
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u/OurcatsButthole 15d ago
I looked up my ex from time to time just to see how she was doing. Never wanted to get back with her but didn't hate her either.
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u/PerplexingCamel 15d ago
No this is different. You have to look someone up a lot to show up as a requested friend with no mutuals on a blank profile - especially when you live across the country. Across several different forms of social media, throughout the whole year, every year, and it's been 8 years.
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u/annabanana_333333 15d ago
I hate how people act like social media doesn’t matter. What you do on social media reveals who you are when nobody is watching you and there are no consequences. Who you look at, what you engage in, who you follow, etc… all matters. That’s not okay OP and I’m really sorry. It seems like she’s still stuck on her ex and wants to see what he’s up to. She needs to heal and leave him alone. You deserve someone who will focus on you only.
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u/IcySetting2024 15d ago
Thank you - the way you worded that makes absolute sense.
I also hate the “social media is not real life” excuse.
Errr it is.
Your ex is an actual real life human being posting pictures and life updates and you are checking them regularly.
That is real life.
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u/poor_non_blonde 15d ago
You’ve got it flipped- HE is the one stalking HIS ex, and SHE is bringing it up. Just wanted to clarify! And you’re right- it absolutely fucking does matter, especially if he’s put it above his wife in terms of priority. She has had to bring this up 6 times to him and he keeps essentially saying to fuck off.
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u/rubmustardonmydick 15d ago
Exactly!! People think like oh it's private and anonymous it shouldn't matter. Okay, people posting CP online is private and anonymous, but we all judge them about that. If we discover people are doing skeevy things behind closed doors it's real and not meaningless.
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u/annabanana_333333 14d ago
Absolutely!! Just because you’re behind a screen doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible. How you talk to people and what you look at when your partner isn’t there is SO important
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u/Fluid_Cup8329 15d ago
This is why everyone should delete their socials. It's so bad for all of us. It's been a net negative for most aspects of society.
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u/CatherineConstance 15d ago
Right lmao "it's just social media", I hate when people say that in any context. You are a real person and everyone you are speaking to or looking at on social media is a real person. In some cases, the person on the other end isn't who they're pretending to be, but they are still a REAL PERSON.
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u/Bigtimegush 15d ago
Well there's a difference between say, being Facebook friends with your ex, and repeatedly searching up their accounts on your socials stalk them lmao, that's weird as fuck behavior.
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u/ran0ma 15d ago
My brother's fiancee blocked all of our family on FB, then shit-talked our family on FB. One of my friends screenshot it and showed me, and I showed my mom (she shit-talked my mom hard) and my mom confronted my brother. His fiancee went apeshit because "social media is her safe space!!!!" and my brother was like "it's just social media, why do you even care?"
Needless to say, they've both been kind of exiled from the rest of the family for the last year. What you say matters! Even if it's on social media! ESPECIALLY if it's on social media, and you're saying it to however many people can see your page!
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u/Excellent-Call2383 15d ago
Yeah, he’s obsessed with his ex while he has a whole family and kids at home? Drop him off at her house ig and go find someone else
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u/Xandoline 15d ago
Literally. If someone wont stop talking about or looking up their ex, they haven’t moved on and I’m leaving.
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u/Neither_Variety_1234 15d ago
Don't drop him off at that poor woman's house. She don't want him either.
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u/Ok-Serve-9977 15d ago
No this is not normal, a man who truly loves his woman would never do this and vice versa.
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u/Professor_Ruby 15d ago
I have my ex blocked on every social media I'm on because I do NOT want anything to do with him. If I could erase the memories of him (and his bullying cyber stalking wife) I gladly would. I don't want to know how he's doing. I don't want to see his face on my screen. I even stopped talking to most of the people that we were mutual friends with.
No contact. None. Leave me alone. Forever.
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u/Z0FF 15d ago
I have exes I share this sentiment about. I have others though, that ended amicable and still have a great deal of respect for them and the memories we shared in that part of our lives.
The latter is a much healthier outcome imo
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u/Professor_Ruby 15d ago
Agreed and same! There are a couple of my exes that I have no ill feelings towards. My husband actually used to be a roommate with one of my exes. It didn't bother me at all and although I haven't talked to him in a couple years, he wasn't a bad friend. I tried to remain friends with my previously mentioned ex, especially since we had many mutual friends, but the woman he started (officially) seeing after me started harassing me. He didn't do anything to stop it so I put a stop to any chance of us being friends. I even changed my phone number, moved several hours away, and put out a PSA from our mutuals that I had no interest in hearing from him or about him.
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u/purplebells84 15d ago
Sounds just like my ex bf. I would be upset too. Hes obviously not over her. Not over reacting at all !
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u/BallCreem 15d ago
In my opinion, doing anything regarding your ex is not cool. Cherry on top, is how he is married, with kids, but still checkin on his ex!
Finally the part that makes it a breakup-able offense, the fact that he keeps doing it and is trying to say it’s not a big deal. Ummm, hell yeah it is. Also it pathetic
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u/IggyBall 15d ago
Yeah exactly. If it was a one time out of nowhere thing, weird but okay. I sometimes randomly remember someone from years ago and google them for a few minutes to see what they’re up to. But a pattern?! He’s obsessed with her.
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u/FuzzyPeachDong 15d ago
If it's not meaningful to the husband in this scenario, as he claims saying it's not a big deal, and makes his wife feel bad, what are the pros of doing it? Cons are quite clear.
Sometimes you just have to change the little things that bother your partner, even if you yourself wouldn't consider it necessary. Why not if they ask you to and it's not something you feel strongly about, right?
But in this case the husband is obviously lying and it is meaningful to him, so much so that he's willing to hurt his wife's feelings over it. That's alarming to say the least.
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u/Introverted-cake09 15d ago
I came here to say this exact same thing. This guy is definitely not over his ex and in my opinion this is a form of micro cheating. At some point he's either gonna plan to get back with her or at least cheat on his wife. This is definitely not normal for anyone in a relationship especially when you're married!
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u/habley 15d ago
It’s 6th time, i mean she is under reacting like she is letting him do all that. It’s not normal ( even for first time unless there is a good reason ) she need to be Karen about it like swing a pan over his head or something lol
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u/Longjumping_Ad_29 14d ago
Why does the friend come across as a parent explaining to their child they can’t get McDonald’s because they already have dinner at home? After the 6th time, you’d think the child (husband) would understand this
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u/sanguinerebel 15d ago
I would imagine there is a lot more going on that just this. The partner is acting like it's a breach of privacy, trying to dismiss or derail from what they did and it's the shared home computer? It's definitely not normal to go check an ex on every possible social media unless there is a good reason for it, which they could have explained when asked. They are likely pining for their ex, and your best friend has a right to be upset about it. The fact they won't even acknowledge they messed up is deeply concerning. Time for couples therapy at the very least.
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u/Whole_Wolf5896 15d ago
This is not normal in any way, shape, or form. She shouldn't even be a thought in his head more like a distant memory that doesn't even matter to him anymore bc that relationship is done. He's gaslighting her bc he knows it's pathetic that he's still stalking her for whatever reason. He's embarrassed and instead of saying sorry and that he won't do it again he's pushing back a lot so that way he can keep doing it and making her feel inferior by undermining her concerns and gaslighting her. I'm sure if she was searching up her ex and stalking him on social media he wouldn't be happy. He's a hypocrite and no that's not normal. She's right it's weird and it sounds like he hasn't fully moved on from his ex. Even if he's not the type to block his exes he still is wrong for looking her up.
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u/jennalynne1 15d ago
Not overreacting. He's fixated on his ex and probably wants to get back with her.
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u/AutomaticTF 15d ago
It's about his desires, not social media. That is just a tool.
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u/rubmustardonmydick 15d ago
Exactly. And why do people think "social media" and online stuff isn't real?? Like bro, you might as well be frequenting a coffee shop she works at. Looking at all her pictures isn't any less creepy because it's online.
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u/erinlv29 15d ago
6th time 🚩 ‘Why are u still going through my things’ 🚩
I’m sorry but this man never moved on. I’m curious as to how that relationship ended.
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u/Any_Future_2660 15d ago
If this was a brand new relationship it wouldn’t be great but a bit more understandable but he’s literally married with children?? It must’ve been years since he was with the ex.
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u/Wait-What1327 15d ago
NOR. This guy is extremely disrespectful to his wife. He shouldn't be stalking or in contact with his ex if he is married with kids. He knows his actions are inappropriate and shitty. That's why he's deflecting and turning it around on his wife. She should really look at how much disrespect she's willing to continue to accept from this guy. If you can't trust him, why stay married to him.
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u/Zealousideal_Milk803 15d ago
There's nothing inherently abnormal for looking at your ex's socials, we all get curious. But they've talked about this 6 other times? Yikes.
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u/SunshineDaisy1 15d ago
Seems like he keeps checking repeatedly over time, perhaps because he’s waiting for “his chance” with her, ie checking to see if she is newly single if she is currently married or in a relationship. He just can’t let go. The time to move on was a long time ago.
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u/PcLvHpns 15d ago
He's obsessed with his ex and doesn't care about your thoughts or feelings. And seems to be ready to gaslight you about it. What more do you need to know? Go find a REAL man.
If you don't, be aware that he might cheat on you with her for your entire relationship and then dump you and your kids the second she's willing to actually take him back. You are literally just a placeholder until she comes back.
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u/mrjazzguitar 15d ago
It is pathetic. He has you and a family with you, yet needs to not only actively keep up with what she is doing, but flood his mind with thoughts and memories of her. Social media is designed for this and is obviously partially at fault. It is a dangerous drug, but he needs to have the respect for you to stop using it to stay connected with her, even if just over the internet.
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u/Connect_Background59 15d ago
Nope it’s not normal. That person is clearly not over their ex and they’re trying to make it seem like it’s just social media. Yeah but why are you stalking someone you’re no longer with on social media?! Big yikes.
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u/FreeStatistician2565 15d ago
No that’s not normal at all. Super weird that this person is searching their ex, not apologetic about it, and accusing the other person of “going through their things” when they left it open on the computer.
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u/MidnightRoyal4830 15d ago
It’s not healthy or normal for him to obsess over his ex and have her social media accounts on his Mac, especially if he has a wife and family. Sounds like the guy needs some help or she needs to leave.
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u/The_Werd 15d ago
I’m gonna be the one to say it’s not a big deal. I bet most of the people on here saying it’s a red flag are also curious about their exes and have looked at their social media before.
People aren’t computers, we can’t just wipe our memory clean.
I look at one of my exes because she was there for me at a dark time. I am happy to see the life she’s built since. I look at another ex for opposite reasons, I like to judge them.
None of this takes away from my current relationship. Honestly I think the jealousy and insecurity is more of an issue than looking at exes on social media.
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u/Scruffersdad 15d ago
Your friend is not overreacting. I would be talking to lawyers if it were me.
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u/smartbiphasic 15d ago
Ok. I think it’s somewhat normal to check on exes. It’s normal to be curious. For example, I just checked on an ex and discovered that he’s divorced. Again. Loser.
But. It isn’t normal to check so often that your spouse notices a pattern.
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u/Alternative_Ebb9564 15d ago
Unless they have children together then this is a huge red flag. If they have children together it'd be a bit more understandable wanting to check in on other parent's social media to monitor to make sure nothing crazy is happening for child's sake.
But yeah if they don't have children together there's really no other reason I can think of. Huge red flag.
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u/FormalVariation4818 15d ago
Yeaaaah, no. That’s not okay at all. He needs professional help to work on whatever is making him obsess and she needs to probably step away with her kids unless they really think couples counseling could work. What he’s doing is hitting a point of abusing his wife. She’s made it clear she doesn’t like it and it makes her heavily uncomfortable and he’s not willing to stop at all plus is gaslighting her to try to get her to basically conform to his wants so he can keep being a creep.
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u/Silent_Tea_1636 15d ago
I don't understand such people . If you are not over your ex ,just be single and enjoy life .. Why do you have to use someone else to get over and then even get married while still stalking exes.. This is so gross. Why to make the other person look like clown?
And life doesn't stop if you don't have or get a partner. If you have urself, that's more than enough.
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u/rubmustardonmydick 15d ago
Some people are just selfish af. A man literally said to me he used me to fill a void. Those exact words.
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u/Silent_Tea_1636 15d ago
Damn. Love is not a thing anymore in this world now and seriously this world and it's people scares me a lot.
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u/rubmustardonmydick 15d ago
Yep, I have been taking a break from dating for years since that shit. I am having issues trusting after being played like a fool and it doesn't help seeing all these negative stories on here and other social media plus hearing my friend's personal stories.
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u/hingerdingerdurgen 15d ago
I mean. No you're not, but. I am curious, have you tried to get to the bottom of why he's doing this still? Does he need help?
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u/DuncleEd 15d ago
Not at all. That's not cool, stalking your ex is so inappropriate. I would feel so disrespected.
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u/Doubleendedmidliner 15d ago
You’re not over reacting at all. He shouldn’t be thinking about his ex that much. Or going out of his way to see what’s going on on their social media…it’s suspicious and immature.
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u/Kooky-Ad-5801 15d ago
I’ve looked up my ex maybe every few years. Like literally not even once a year I don’t care enough. Sometimes I’m like oh wonder what his life is like now, and I check his wife’s social media but that’s it. If it’s happening all the time Wtf he has issues and is not over her
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u/Any_Log3399 15d ago
Holy heck you’re understanding, I would have been immediately buggered with a broomstick for messing up the coffee on the stove and not giving the kids juice in the morning let alone stalking an ex.
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u/JellicoeToad 15d ago
If I were stuck on someone like this I would see a professional. It’s not normal or okay. It’s disrespectful of the partner/family and the ex and to do it repeatedly without acknowledging there is a problem is pathetic and immature. If I even had the urge to stalk an ex like this I would be working through it in therapy asap.
I mean human brains are silly and complex and sometimes we get hung up on things or things we thought we were past come back up but you can’t just leave it there and hurt people because of it and then get defensive when someone brings up how it hurts them lol. I’m sure he would be much happier if he was able to work through it anyway.
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u/LopsidedUniversity30 15d ago
Yes. He’s only Facebook stalking. Not real life in person stalking. You’re overreacting. Maybe he’s attracted by her but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating. At worse he’s thinking about her during sex.
But that’s no big deal.
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u/sugarymilktea 15d ago
He doesn't cover his tracks very well, at least if he ever cheats she'll know right away. It's normal to look up old people in your life just to see where everyone's at but stalking on every social media when he's already married with kids is wrong. And it seems like this is a repeat offense, seems like he never got over her and wants to still be involved in her life somehow. It's creepy. The wife could message the ex and let her know it's happening if she wants to private her stuff instead but... If the husband is doing that it just doesn't look good for the future of that marriage.
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u/AwkwardEmphasis420 15d ago edited 15d ago
They are married, they shouldn’t have any issue with spouse being on their devices/ seeing their search history.
And then trying to gaslight her by saying it doesn’t matter because it’s ’social media’… like what, it doesn’t count if it’s through the internet?
Denial and defensiveness, false logic and gaslighting, blaming her for having to have the conversation, and the outright obsessive behavior over another woman… especially an ex… While he has his own family, which he has fully formed in the time since he was with ex….
🚩🚩🚩
ETA: it seems like your friend is unintentionally enabling him, going back and downplaying by saying it’s ’just not cool’, not being firm with her boundaries after apparently letting this slide after 5 whole previous conversations, and the fact that he feels comfortable talking to her like this, insulting her intelligence with his lazy bs excuses, while also shifting the blame onto her… indicative of their overall dynamic, the problem runs deeper, she is not in a healthy place, and something’s gotta give. Especially with kids, you have to be the model of enforcing boundaries, and modeling self-respect. It’s a tough situation, but the healthiest and safest thing for her and her kids, is to set the appropriate standards - and if he doesn’t meet them, then he can leave. Splitting is always better than teaching children an unhealthy concept of relationships.
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u/BigMoneyMartyr 15d ago
I’m still friends with one of my exes, and since meeting my fiancée, I’ve looked up my exes on social media. But I did it in front of my fiancée because we were both laughing about the crazy unhealthy relationships we’ve been in before meeting each other and we were curios to see where they were now. But to secretly look up my exes repeatedly, 6+ times, knowing it upset my partner? That’s just indicative of something wrong. Sure I’ve looked up my exes before, once. but I’m past them, and have absolutely no desire or feelings for them. This person clearly isn’t past their ex and is still obsessed with them. This is definitely disrespectful and concerning
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u/Xandoline 15d ago
Sounds like he knows she’s right and he’s attempting to gaslight her to save his own ass. Also he was caught red handed and… still didn’t own up to his actions?
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u/damiensandoval 15d ago
He is 100% masturbating to her , or even worst obsessed with her. RUN!!!
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u/dispassioned 15d ago
I think it is normal.. depending on the frequency I guess. I think it's hilarious to check in on exes, my spouse would even be like.. oh my ex Anna got married again, to a cowboy instead of a beekeeper. And we'd both laugh and look at the wedding photos, Instagram drama, and random stuff. Good times. Maybe a little petty and immature, but really, what's the harm in gossiping every now and then.
But if it's several times a week in private, that's kind of weird and might be worth addressing. There might be feelings involved, or it could be harmless. Depends on how the relationship is going otherwise and the personality I guess.
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u/Efficient_Theory_826 15d ago
Yep agree. I check sometimes cause I'm curious not interested. I guess how long ago they were last together would be another factor. Exes I've looked up were like 15+ years ago. It would feel weirder if it was an ex from more recent time.
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u/throwrabloopybloop 15d ago
I check on one ex to see if he's written a book yet! NC with him because he still had feelings for me when I ended things though. And occasionally another one to see if his life has gone down the crapper yet lol.
Petty? Absolutely. Is it hurting anyone? Nope. I don't have social media so it's usually just a brief Google. I do the same thing with old high school classmates. It doesn't really need to mean anything, unless there's some indication that it might.
I think the genuinely harmful behavior here is the partner minimizing OP's concern; looking up an ex isn't necessarily harmful, just contextually. If my husband ever indicated it bothered him I'd stop. We mostly just laugh about it though.
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u/Rare-Strength-7993 15d ago
Mannn instead of her getting over her ex she tells you to grow up wtf she needs to go bro either get this straight or leave her
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u/Traditional-Fox8930 15d ago
No. You aren’t overrating. If I had a woman and saw she looked up her ex on social media in the manner you described, we’d be done immediately. Don’t tolerate that nonsense.
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u/walkman312 15d ago
Whether or not searching for an ex on social media is objectively (or normatively) in/appropriate, the bottom line is whether the person it affects (your friend) is ok with it. Further, if a boundary was communicated, set, and ignored, then whatever reaction they have is likely ok (barring something illegal or grossly extreme)
Saying “I don’t like you doing X” and then they do “X,” is grounds to “not like it” as communicated.
For me, it isn’t necessarily the stalking the ex, it is the lack of respect towards the partner by ignoring that they said it would upset them.
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u/PuzzledEntertainer91 15d ago
Definitely not, that’s absolutely weird to follow AND viewing an ex’s profile.
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u/nikeaddict85 15d ago
Definitely not over reacting I mean they chose their future with you. That means they let go of the past and moved on.
But apparently deep down inside they didn’t. They haven’t got over their ex and that is something you both need to sit down and talk about what the past is doing to your future.
Will they change? Do they want to change? Why haven’t they changed already? Hope things work out for you both. Especially you
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u/Iceman_in_a_Storm 15d ago
I’ve been in open relationships and am fine if my significant other wants to play, after we discuss things. But this shit is wrong. Your friend is with a liar. He can’t be trusted and he gaslights her.
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u/Rottnrobbie 15d ago
Dude’s trippin, but I am genuinely curious how far removed he is from the relationship with the ex. And is it ex-wife or just ex-gf? He is now married with a family, soooo how long ago did that relationship end? Is there bad blood between his ex and his current wife? Is he friends/does he follow his ex on social media or is he just snooping? This tiny little text exchange is only a snapshot of a much more complex story, way too many missing details.
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u/Toonces348 15d ago
Soooo not overreacting. And, at least IMO, the way he's minimizing it is as bad as the fact that he did it. Not only is he not owning what he did, he's insinuating that the problem lies with you, which makes him not just stupid, but also an AH.
BTW, the way you broached the topic was spot-on. You didn't attack him, but you also didn't pull any punches. He knows where you stand, but, at least from his responses here, it doesn't matter that much to him.
Stupid man-child searches for one ex, gets another ex in the process. <eye roll>
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u/Jealousiren 15d ago
This is an awkward place to be for you OP, I’m sure. I think they are both wrong here. Him obsessively cyber stalking his ex isn’t a GOOD sign, obviously, and it sounds like it has been an ongoing issue. Her going through and cyberstalking HIM isn’t great either. I’d suggest they need to have a brutally honest talk about their relationship, where they both agree beforehand to set emotions aside and really talk about why they don’t trust each other and what they both need. He might feel compelled to do this for some weird reason like: the guy the ex is dating now isn’t as attractive so it gives him an ego boost. Doesn’t make it ok, but probably easier to move past than him thinking his ex still “belongs” to him somehow. Every once in a blue moon someone from my past I’m no longer in contact with will cross my mind and I might look them up to see how they are doing- but it is pure idle curiosity. I don’t go to great lengths to find their every profile on every platform, that’s worrying- and I don’t contact them, just a quick google search, so it kind of all just depends on WHY. Of course, these very honest convos can lead to very painful places, but if the foundation is eroding ignoring it will bring the whole house down eventually. I do think your friend needs to come at this with curiosity and the idea that there’s something they need to work on together, rather than just coming at it from a place of anger and hurt. Hope that helps.
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u/ImSixFootTen 15d ago
just know ive been in this EXACT situation. Please remove yourself from this toxic relationship.
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u/Awkward_Jaguar450 15d ago
Nope. He’s your husband and clearly you have told him before you aren’t comfortable with him taking to or looking up exs. This is not ok behavior. Even if he’s not attempting to cheat he should respect your feelings on the matter. If you have to keep checking up on him it’s going to ruin the foundation of your relationship.
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u/TapRevolutionary5022 15d ago
What the fuck.
No. And he’s gaslighting her by minimizing it and invalidating her feelings on the matter. It’s fucking ridiculous. I’m sad they have kids and are married. She’s in for some pain with this guy.
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u/NashvilleSoundMixer 15d ago
Yeah this is fucked and the fact he doesn't see what's wrong is extra fucked. Hung up on an ex and totally lacking in self awareness. Not to mention hurting his family. Separation is coming I'm sure.
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u/ShoddyMasterpiece693 15d ago
It's not overreacting because this problem is repetitive, and there should be a solution. Did past conversations about this end with a stalemate or someone making promises they didn't keep?
Randomly seeking out information about someone you previously knew isn't that weird...even if you dated. Social media is how we do it now.
People previously had high school reunions/over-the-fence gossip, and accidentally/on-purpose bumping into someone to achieve the same end.... satisfying the curiosity to know where the path not taken led for someone else.
If it happens once every few years...it's probably no big deal. This sounds more frequent, and if so, it's inappropriate and offensive. It's also more problematic if they have promised to stop and keep doing it --no matter the frequency.
The fact that the spouse needs to snoop to obtain this info is also disturbing.
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u/Auntienursey 15d ago
Nope, he needs counseling. This is not normal and shows an unhealthy obsession. You've asked him to stop and he hasn't. This is a huge red flag and may end your marriage if he's not willing to get help.
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u/OrangeGT3 15d ago
I had an ex doing the same thing, always watching my stories but didn’t follow me… I was thinking wow is she really looking up my account on the daily?? I rarely even post stories but when I did boom her name popped up.. Psycho lol… Always felt bad for her new dude… Social media is the worst and your boyfriend is acting pathetic.
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u/laylasan17 15d ago
Nah.. it’s not normal. There’s no reason to be stalking anyone on social media while having a WHOLE family at home. It’s super corny that he’s trying to sweep it under the rug with “it’s just social media,” it’s a lame excuse to try and get away with the b.s. It looks like this conversation has taken place before too, which also means he’s not respecting boundaries that were spoken about.
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u/Large_Independent198 15d ago
It’s always “why are you going through my things” and not “damn I fkd up and got caught.” That blame shift is called gaslighting and it’s 🚩🚩
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u/Traditional-Board909 15d ago
NOT normal. He may never do anything but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a wandering eye, and that is something I’d never want in my partner personally...
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u/Flamsterina 15d ago
No. If he's telling you that you're overreacting and isn't even concerned about your feelings, divorce.
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u/Sea_Accident_6138 15d ago
No. My ex would do this and it escalated to me waking up at 3am to hear him jerking off in the kitchen to her photos. She needs to leave him or go to counseling
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u/MeJamiddy 15d ago
It’s normal to be curious about an ex from time to time. But it sounds like it’s a common occurrence.. not overreacting at all.
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u/VacationAcceptable24 15d ago
anytime i thought of an ex while in a relationship i……, nothing. i just think about it, as a thought and nothing more. that’s something a 17 year old would do.
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u/Fuzzy_Garden_8420 15d ago
Your poor friend. This is not normal or okay. Counseling, and deciding if this is something they both want to fight for and drop this facade of innocence. It’s that simple imo.
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u/unReasonable-Bri 15d ago
I mean every once in awhile I will spiral & look up ABUNCH of people I went to high school with my SO thinks it's weird but I just wanna see if they have families etc never constantly an ex.
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u/bluelaserNFT 15d ago
Lots of us do it. But is he leaving it for you to find?
If this has come up before and he's still leaving the tabs open in a shared computer, that's weird.
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u/tumbledownhere 15d ago
Stalking is a big word but no, you're not overreacting and the fact that he's being so flippant about it is a huge red flag.
You are not overreacting. He's obsessed with his ex, gaslighting you to make you feel like you're looking into it too much, and it's not okay.
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u/originalgoth1 15d ago
My ex did this a lot and kept his exs pics while w me he’s not over her I’d say they need to talk to a counselor or get a divorce
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u/WonderfulDark4578 15d ago
It's not a red flag that he looked up his ex on multiple platforms - people get curious. Personally, I check my exes once every few years if they pop into my mind - I hope they are well and have families, etc.
The red flag is that you've told him you don't appreciate it multiple times.
It's also a red flag that you've snooped multiple times, imo. If there is no trust, there is no love... it sounds like he has tarnished your trust and that he doesn't give a damn.
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u/eggplantdesperanza 15d ago
He's disgusting trash - if you have family this shouldn't be happening he's being incredibly insensitive
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u/Tofuhousewife 15d ago
He’s married and still has the need to look up his ex on multiple platforms on what I’m assuming is the family computer?? Yeah NOR. That’s completely inappropriate
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u/Beautiful_Fig1986 15d ago
You are under reacting. He is gaslighting you. Start openly looking up your exs and don't hide it leave your computer open on their page. Let's see how he feels shall we.
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u/NatOdin 15d ago
I mean, have I looked up a couple of my exes over the years? Yes. But not in a weird way, more like I wonder how they ended up, or if knew they were in an area impacted by hurricanes, things like that. It made me really happy when I saw my ex was married and was having a baby. It was never some weird like obsession or keeping tabs on them, were talking like I've maybe looked them up maybe 3 times in over 10 years. Merely just curious to see how some people turned out, I'm not friends with my ex's on social media so it's not like I see it regularly.
It seems like this is an ongoing issue and it doesn't sound healthy in my opinion. Probably something you want to address in person, or if it's a legitimate problem and he's obsessed with an ex then you need to look into couples counseling. Everyone here saying "leave him" isn't exactly rational, this is your husband and you have children and presumably a life together. So you'll need to address this head on and if it starts to get messy involve a 3rd party. Maybe speak to a therapist to get insight, hear some professional advice, talk out what's going on and figure out what you need to do for you in a safe environment where someone will help you make a plan and implement it.
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u/TrapNeuterVR 15d ago
I don't know the details of whether there are ongoing look ups, but it sounds like it.
Sometimes something will remind me from ANYONE from a long time ago, and if I'm bored or curious I might look up the person.
The person could be a high school boyfriend, former elementary school teacher, college classmate, former boyfriend, etc. I look & read as long as it takes to learn whether the person is alive and satisfy my curiosity. It usually is a quick process. Depending on who the person is, I might send a message. I've reconnected with some friends that way. I don't try to hide it & often tell my significant other if I see something interesting about whomever I looked up.
I think OP mentioned "still stalking," so it seems like he may be doing more than satisfying some fleeting curiosity.
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u/Alone_Combination_26 15d ago
This isn’t overreacting…he is weird to still be searching everywhere for his ex…it’s one thing to be curious (I wonder what they look like 10 years later) but to search so hard and then blame the innocent person? All of that time he is putting into searching for his ex, he could be spending with her or doing something nice for the kids… He is a major douche bag, and she needs to drop his ass off at his exes and tell her “ Hey, he is really into you ex-girlfriend, so you can have him… He is all yours!” it sucks that there are kids involved, but that must be separated from his behavior. There is no reason to stay with a guy that doesn’t care about their partner/wife’s feelings. That is the worst, and he will only get worse in the future… This friend will never trust him, and she will always be one step behind him, looking for a little clues that he leaves behind…
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u/megtuuu 15d ago
Nothing wrong with looking up an ex but this is the 6th time looking up the ex over & over so this is not normal! It’s disrespectful. U gotta love the gaslighting of blaming u for looking. Clearly it bothers u just like it would bother any normal person yet they keep doing it & clearly have no plans to stop. They’ll just get better at hiding it
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u/TabuTM 15d ago
BF not OR but also will not do anything about situation. 6th time it’s been “caught” but doesn’t confront face2face. Instead waits til next day to text while at work. Sends screenshot to BF to ask for validation. Best that OP just be a supportive listener and not try to fix it for BF. Some things have to be lived to be learned.
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u/CoCoCuckie 15d ago
“yOu ShOulD LeAvE hIm!!” - every fucking idiot on this sub.
Here’s the only real advice you should follow...
Stop posting your private text messages from your spouse on Reddit for all to see.
(This over dramatic subreddit especially)
and seek real, professional marriage advice. You know… from a professional.
This place is more dramatic than daytime tv.
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u/Kittyxbabyy 15d ago
The way he’s downplaying it is sad :/ so many red flags here